


A Year and A Day

by OpalSpirit



Category: Captain Nicholls - Fandom, Tom Hiddleston - Fandom, War Horse (2011)
Genre: Angst, Arranged Marriage, Art, Atticus - Freeform, Ballet, Ballroom Dancing, Blood and Injury, British Military, Cavalry, Chapter titles taken from Shakespeare, Compromise, Engagement, England - Freeform, F/M, Family Drama, Family Feels, Fractured friendships, France - Freeform, Frostbite, Having Faith, Horseback Riding, Hypothermia, Lang Leav, Language of Flowers, Lies, Long-Distance Relationship, Longing, Love Letters, Michael Faudet, Middle Class, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Nikita Gill, Nobility, Pablo Neruda's Poetry, Painting, Period Typical Attitudes, Poetry, Portraits, Presumed Dead, Slow Burn, Stolen Moments, WW1, beau taplin, early 20th century
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2020-03-15
Packaged: 2020-10-21 05:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 55
Words: 103,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20687927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OpalSpirit/pseuds/OpalSpirit
Summary: Born into privilege, she grew to see the world torn to shreds by war. Born into nobility, she was expected to marry whomever her parents deemed worthy. But she was different. She wanted the choice to be hers, to have her fate within her own hands. Reluctantly, her parents agree and give her a year and a day to make her choice. But of course, he must be of noble stock in order to meet their approval fully.Her willingness to follow the rules gets thrown to the wind the moment she sees him. A dashing cavalry officer. A Captain no less. Her neat, structured world is shattered. Her heart and mind no longer agree and afford her no peace.Usually so perceptive of those around her, she fails to notice how, she too, has caught his eye. Captain James Nicholls. In a small town square, he first sees her and is stricken to the core.Will they find it within themselves to speak what their hearts demand of them? And if so, will their love stand the tests of family expectations and a world at war?





	1. A Declaration of War!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Puppens101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puppens101/gifts).
**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Be twice as powerful as you think you are.
> 
> ~ Atticus

"Is the corset strictly necessary?"

Countess Irene Hadleigh narrowed her eyes at her daughter. Her daughter who currently stood surrounded by her maids as she was readied for the evening. "You know it is," she sighed and moved to sit at the foot of her daughter's bed. "You are a lady, Y/N. It must shine through in the way one holds themselves."

"But they are so uncomfortable," the young woman complained.

"You say that every time," her mother reminded her, raising one elegantly shaped brow.

"It is the twentieth century," Y/N continued to protest, earning a chuckle from her mother. "Surely there is no need for them anymore."

"It is your father's birthday and your grandmother is in attendance."

Y/N's head snapped towards her mother as she fought not to groan. Her paternal grandmother, while a lovely woman, did not stand for those that strayed even the smallest amount from her expectations for the family and their social standing. Appearances mattered more than most to the Dowager Countess Hadleigh.

"I know," Irene placated her daughter. "But please, let us pass this evening in a peaceful fashion."

"She isn't going to try and push more suitors my way, is she?" Y/N asked with no small amount of dismay. If her grandmother had had her way, Y/N would have been married the day she turned eighteen.

Her mother laughed. "I am sure that tonight, she will be sufficiently distracted."

Sitting at her vanity, Y/N looked at her mother through the mirror as the maids began to style her h/l h/c hair. "I hope so," she replied, dabbing her signature perfume to her wrists and throat. "It is becoming rather tiresome."

"I know, my darling," Irene stood up and approached her daughter. Silently dismissing the maids, she stood behind her daughter and continued with the finishing touches. "But she only wishes the best for you."

Y/N rolled her eyes and nodded. "Is that why she insists that I am nearing the age of a spinster? I am not yet four and twenty!"

Sliding in the last pin, Irene laid her hands on her daughter's shoulder, urging her to meet her gaze through the mirror. "You must understand something, Y/N. Your grandmother, well, she comes from a different time. A time when girls married young. Younger than even you."

Y/N sighed. "Do _you_ want me to get married?"

"Of course I do," Irene laughed and gave Y/N's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "But all in good time."

"Well," Y/N cleared her throat and smiled at her mother. "When I do, it will be for love."

"Oh yes," Irene winked at her and grinned, stepping back so that Y/N could stand. "I am sure your father and grandmother will be thrilled to hear that."

Giving herself one last appraisal, Y/N turned to her mother. "Will I do?"

Irene nodded and offered her arm, smiling. "You look beautiful. Now let us go, or we shall be the last to arrive."

Feigning scandal, Y/N linked her arm through her mother's and together they left her chambers and descended to the entrance hall.

"There you are," boomed her father. Lord Richard Hadleigh stood a few heads taller than his wife and daughter. "Have you two been conspiring again?" He asked, a smile tugging at the corners of his moustache tipped lips.

"Happy Birthday, my darling," she said, hazel eyes twinkling as he kissed the back of her hand.

"Thank you, my love," he replied, offering his arm for her to take. "Shall we? I fear mother is not in the best of moods this evening.The boys and Annabelle are already with her. "

"On your birthday?" Y/N exclaimed, surprised, earning a chuckle from her father.

"I am afraid so," her father replied, sending a sympathetic look her way before offering his other arm for her to take.

Even the bright, childlike laughter of her younger sister did nothing to diffuse the evident tension in the dining room. Y/N was grateful to her father for the forewarning. Something was bothering the Dowager Countess, yet she would not say what.

"Y/N, my dear, tell me. Is there a certain young man that has caught your eye in the time since we last spoke?"

Fighting the urge to groan and roll her eyes, Y/N shook her head and politely smiled. "No, Lady grandmother. There is no one." Could they not have one family evening where this subject was not touched on?

Her grandmother made a disapproving sound, one that Y/N had grown well used too over the years. When she turned to face her son, Y/N almost sighed in relief. "Richard, is it not high time your Y/N settled down in with a household of her own?"

While her mother looked to be fighting not to laugh, her father merely sighed. "Mother, please. Now is not the time. That is a conversation for another time."

Y/N sent her father a look of profound gratitude. Beside her, her brothers snickered, clearly amused.

It was not until the family had retired to a suite of sitting rooms that the Dowager Countess saw fit to reveal just what had put her in such a sour mood. "Can you believe it?" She asked, clearly incensed. "A war! In this age?"

Y/N shared a shocked glance with her mother. A war?! That was the last thing anyone needed.

"Are you certain?" Her father asked, voicing his family's thoughts.

"Of course I am," her grandmother exclaimed. "I received a letter from an acquaintance in London. Germany has declared war on our allies."

"But why?" Everyone asked at once.

"She did not specify."

While Y/N felt all the blood leave her head, she became faintly aware of her mother's hand in hers and the excited murmurings of her three brothers. The world was at war, a concept even her vivid imagination could not grasp.

"Good heavens," her father murmured from somewhere behind her. "A world war."

"Indeed," the Dowager Countess agreed, sounding calmer than she had all evening. Yet, there was a hint of sadness to her tone, a heaviness that spoke of experiences that Y/N wished never to know.


	2. The Truth of The Matter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Family is something that runs deeper than blood - nothing so trivial as a shared surname or facial feature, but this bone-deep sense that you have an anchor here in the world, no matter how far you may feel you may have drifted off course. 
> 
> ~ Beau Taplin (Friendship)

"Can we visit Joey today?" Annabelle asked, looking to her mother with pleading eyes. Beside her, Y/N smiled and reached to take a sip of her orange juice that sat prettily in a crystal glass. The morning sun shone through the tall windows of the dining room and cast prisms of rainbow on the white tablecloth.

"I don't see why not," their mother replied, winking at her youngest.

Annabelle's squeal of delight was cut off as her mother continued. "Y/N," she turned her attention to her elder daughter. "You will accompany her, won't you?"

Y/N smiled and nodded. "I would be delighted to, mother. It has been quite sometime since we last visited the Narracott farm."

"Can we go too?" Robert, the eldest of the five siblings, asked, evidently speaking on the behalf of his two younger brothers.

Of course," Irene replied, smiling before dabbing delicately at her mouth with a starched white napkin.

"And how might you be getting there?" Their grandmother spoke up from her place beside Irene. "The farm is a fair distance away, is it not?"

"We will ride, of course," Y/N answered, stepping in before her brothers could say anything.

"Ride?" The Dowager gasped, scandalised. "Surely not?" She turned her gaze to their parents. "Richard?"

Their father merely nodded and shrugged his shoulders. "The children learned to ride before they could walk."

"Even so, this family has a perfectly functional carriage and motorcar."

"Yes," Robert agreed before a grin stretched over his features. "But riding is so much more fun. It is quite the liberating experience."

"Y/N, will you and Annabelle be riding side-saddle at the very least?"

Y/N shook her head and laughed. "Heavens no, Lady grandmother." Before the Dowager Countess could say a word in protest, Y/N stood and gestured for Annabelle to follow. "Come, Annabelle, let us get ready." The little girl eagerly pushed back her chair and made to join her elder sister by the dining room entrance.

"Honestly, Richard," she heard her grandmother say as they entered the entrance hall. "You have given that girl much too much freedom. It is high time she settled down."

If her father answered, or if her mother had anything to say, Y/N did not hear it.

~ ~ ~

"It is good to see you again, my Lady."

Laughing, Y/N embraced Rose Narracott. "How many times must I ask you to call me Y/N?" Drawing back, she looked at the older woman. "There is no need for titles."

"Force of habit, my dear," Rose replied, smiling. "Are the boys and little Annabelle with you?"

"They were," Y/N said as they made their way to the farmhouse. "But I fear Annabelle's eagerness to see Joey prevented her from making it here with me. The same goes for the boys."

"Ahh. So they'll be out in the fields with Albert then?"

Y/N nodded. "Without a doubt."

A companionable silence between the women as they neared the house. Soon the smell of freshly baked bread wafted out to greet them, making Y/N smile and inhale the warm, comforting scent. Following Rose into the house, Y/N hung her coat by the door and smoothed down her hair, a few strands having come loose during the ride.

"Did you ride over then?" Came Rose's voice from the kitchen.

"Yes," Y/N replied, stepping into the humble kitchen. "It is faster than the carriage."

"I can imagine so," Rose said, chuckling.

"Is there anything I might assist you with?"

"Bless you, my dear. But you needn't fuss."

"Please," Y/N insisted, feeling uncomfortable just standing there at the kitchen entrance. "Anything at all. I would hate to be in the way."

"A peculiar one, you are," Rose remarked, pulling the bread pan from the oven and setting it down to cool.

"How so?" Y/N asked. "I mean, I know my grandmother often calls me that." Her voice grew quiet and she looked down at her hands that were twisting together, as they often did when she felt anxious.

"Come now, child," Rose said, her tone calming as she approached the younger woman and took her hands in hers. "There is no need to look so cast down. I merely wished to illustrate how it isn't often that your sort would offer to help, like you just have."

Y/N smiled at the woman before her and gently squeezed her hands. "I suppose I despise feeling useless, is all," she answered with a small shrug.

"You, my dear, are far from useless," Rose assured her. "Albert is mighty glad of your company and that of your siblings. I am grateful for the friendship between you."

Y/N felt a blush begin to creep up, as it was want to do when people complemented her. "Our time here is an escape from our world," she murmured. "Even a life of privilege has its constrictions."

"I am sure it does," Rose agreed, before gently letting go of Y/N's hands. "Your kind have all those rules and standards to live up to. It astounds me how you remember them all."

Y/N laughed and tucked a stray curl behind her ear. "Yes, we certainly do, don't we."

"You and your siblings will always be welcome here."

"Thank you," Y/N whispered. Taking a deep breath, she crossed the kitchen and smiled as she looked out the window, clearly being able to see her siblings; Annabelle, seated on Joey's back with Albert behind her, was laughing as they rode in circles around her brothers.

"Is something the matter?" Rose asked, coming to stand beside her.

"Not that I know of," Y/N replied, turning to face the older woman.

Rose crossed her arms over chest and raised an eyebrow. "You may not be my daughter, but I know when something's not sitting right with you. Your smile didn't reach your eyes. Not like it usually does."

Y/N sighed and leaned rather unladylike against the wall. "My grandmother says there is to be a war."

"Ahh. Yes. Terrible news," Rose muttered, running hands down her apron. "Dreadful business. War."

Y/N nodded. "So, you know of it?"

The older woman shrugged. "Only bits and pieces. Mr.Narracott informed us at breakfast this morning, folk down in the village have been talking of enlistment. Recruiting and such."

Y/N felt all the blood leave her head. Enlistment, in no way could that bode well. The boys had sounded much too eager when their grandmother had imparted the news. She could only hope that they fell below the prescribed age restriction.

"Sit down, dear girl, you look paler than fresh snow."

Accepting Rose's offer, Y/N sat down and gulped down the water she was given. Slowly she felt herself return to normal.

"All better?"

Y/N nodded, still feeling her hands tremble, but otherwise alright. "Yes, thank you."

"Worried for your brothers? If I am to venture a guess?" Rose asked, sitting down opposite her.

"Yes," she admitted, clutching her hands together in an effort to stop them from shaking. "Did they give an age restriction? Surely they would not let boys sign up for such a thing?"

Rose hesitated a little before answering. "I believe Mr.Narracott said that the youngest one could be is nineteen."

Y/N gasped softly, feeling her fear return. Robert was well over the designated age and the other two, Thomas and Andrew, being twins, were not far off, a mere few months.

"There now," Rose took hold of her trembling hands and held them firmly in her own. "I am sure your parents will have a say in the matter. For all we know, they may not let them go, if it even comes to that."

Y/N desperately wanted to believe that. Her father was patriotic to the bone and would not doubt encourage them.

"Come," Rose said, breaking Y/N's train of thought. "I do believe that some fresh air and sunshine is what you are in need of. Take a deep breath and soak in the sun before it sets. Put your worries to rest. Let tomorrow care for itself."

Taking a trembling breath, Y/N smiled and nodded before standing up. "You are right, as always. I came here to escape, not to mope."

"There's my girl," Rose said, winking and standing up. "Now off you go, I am certain Albert and Joey will be overjoyed to see you."

The day was well spent, laughter and playful protests could be heard miles off. It was only as the sun began to hang low in the sky, that the Hadleigh siblings bid their farewells to the Narracotts and to Joey.

Annabelle fell asleep against Y/N's chest as they rode home. The light of the setting sun accompanied them as they passed through fields and glades, before finally arriving at the manicured boundaries of their family home. 

"I should have known you would be gone for the day," Irene whispered to her daughter, smiling softly down at Annabelle who lay curled against her elder sister. "Come, let us put her to bed."

Y/N said nothing, silently following her mother and gently laying her younger sister down and watched as Irene bid the little girl goodnight. Exhaustion was beginning to creep up on her, sinking its claws into her and making her yawn in a rather undignified manner.

Bidding her mother goodnight, Y/N headed to her chambers and readied herself for bed, despite being sorely tempted to sleep in what she had worn throughout the day.

Her thoughts gave her no rest as she sought to sleep. If the war was truly happening, as everyone was saying it was, then she would do her uttermost to keep her brothers, her family, as safe as she could. Her family meant the world to her, and she would not let something as horrific as a war take that from her.


	3. The Train to London

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how you are so familiar to me - or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before - in another time, a different place - some other existence. 
> 
> ~ Lang Leav (Soul Mates)

James had steadily begun to lose count of how many villages and towns they had visited in order to procure the additional requirements for his regiment. Having found no suitable replacement for his former mount, he rode in the motorcar alongside Major Jamie Stewart. Town after town they had been too, each offering a fine selection of horses, but none that had caught his eye.

He barely noticed the change in scenery until the bustling sounds of town and village life interrupted his peaceful thoughts. The towns were growing larger the closer they moved to London.

"Perhaps this time you will have better luck," Lt. Charlie Waverley remarked from his place beside James.

James smirked and paid his friend no mind as the motor car came to a halt in the town square. Pushing the door open, he stepped out onto the muddy street and looked around. It was evidently market day, all of the town's population seemed to have taken to the streets. The late morning sun shone brightly, forcing the three officers to shield their eyes against the glare.

"Where do you suppose they are?" Charlie asked, eyes searching the bustling streets.

"Where who are?" James asked, in way of a response.

"The horses of course."

Their answer came not a moment later. "Gentlemen," came Major Stewart's firm, authoritative tone. "If you please. The day is not quite so young."

The crowd parted for the three officers as they were led to where the horses stood, their owners scanning the crowd for any potential buyers. The sight of the Major and his companions had them straighten themselves up and slick back what hair they had, all in order to appear respectable to Her Majesty's Armed Forces.

They were indeed beautiful animals. James had been taught the value of such creatures by his uncle. His love for horses had rendered him unable to pass one by, even if he found himself in a hurry. Those beautiful animals put him at ease like nothing else, he felt as though, when he spoke to them of his deepest wishes and highest hopes, they understood every word. They inspired his artistic tendencies with their effortless elegance and grace and silent strength. To Captain James Nicholls, horses were the embodiement of purity and unyielding loyalty.

"You are a fine one, are you not?" He murmured to a white stallion before him, gently running his gloved had along the horse's muzzle. "Strong too." His examination was cut short as Charlie sidled up to him.

"I have seen many things in my lifetime," Charlie muttered, drawing his friend's attention away from the horse. "But that is most certainly a first."

"What is?" James asked, confused.

"That," Charlie replied, his eyes trained on the sight in the square before them.

Intrigued, James turned to see what his friend was speaking of. It had appeared that one of the horses had broken loose if its tether. A beautiful bay mare had reared up, her two forelegs pawing at the air, while the crowd moved away from her. All save for one. A young woman, her hands held out before her in a calming gesture.

In soft words that neither Captain nor Lieutenant could make out, the young woman managed to calm the frightened horse. With slow, measured steps, she approached the mare.

"Extraordinary," James said, more to himself than to anyone else. The young woman's actions and demeanor spoke of years of experience, her quiet confidence putting the spooked horse at ease. He continued to watch as she led the mare back to her owner.

"Thank you, miss," the farmer said, his tone gruff and somewhat reluctant.

The young woman smiled and nodded in gracious acknowledgement. "I am happy to have been of assistance, sir." Her eyes ran briefly over the returned horse. "She is a most beautiful specimen. You are very lucky."

"Come," a slightly older woman spoke from where she approached from the crowd. She held her hand out to the young woman, beckoning her. "Come, the train has but a few minutes before it departs."

"Quite the beauty," Charlie spoke up from beside him, startling him. "I wonder who she is."

James found that he too, wished to know who she was. She was evidently of noble blood, her bearing and manner suggested as much. Her clothing too, did not quite match those of the milling crowds. He found himself silently agreeing with his friend. Yes, she certainly was beautiful. She was different in way that he struggled to determine.

~ ~ ~

"What in heaven's name took you so long?"

Y/N sighed at her grandmother's question. Smoothing her hair, she settled in beside her mother. They were almost to London. Having agreed to spend the day with her grandmother, Y/N had insisted that her mother join her, needing at least one person on her side.

"There was a minor altercation in the square," Irene explained calmly, shooting her daughter a look that asked her to remain silent. "Nothing of note."

"A minor altercation?" Her grandmother repeated, shock colouring her tone.

Y/N nodded and fought to stay quiet. The memory of what had happened rushed back to her as the train sped onwards towards the capital. The thrill of it all excited her, it woke her up and made her senses stand to attention.

"Yes," Irene replied, "but nothing of consequence. It was quickly resolved."

"That is a relief to hear," the Dowager Countess muttered and turned her attention to her granddaughter. "Now, Y/N, I know it has been quite some time since you have last been to London."

"Yes, Lady grandmother," Y/N replied. "It has. My season, I believe."

"Gracious," her grandmother exclaimed, looking horrified. "Then we must waste no time with reintroducing you into London society. I do believe it would be most beneficial for you, who knows who you might meet," she added with a wink.

Y/N fought the urge to sigh. Brilliant, so this had been the plan all along. She should have suspected her grandmother's ulterior motives when she had been invited out. "I doubt I shall meet anyone of note, Lady grandmother. We are, after all, only in London for the day."

When her grandmother smiled, Y/N knew she was in for it. "Oh no, my dear," she sounded positively delighted. "We shall be in London for more than merely one day. These next two weeks will be most eventful for you, my dear."

"I highly doubt I will be courted by anyone in the span of a mere two weeks," Y/N muttered, turning to look out the window. Her mood soured.

"You would be surprised," her grandmother remarked.

"Mother? Did you know of this?"

Irene shook her head. She had chosen to remain silent for fear of what would be said in anger. Her mother-in-law's meddling was wearing down the patience she displayed for the benefit of her husband.

Y/N, clearly reading the look in her mother's eyes and clenched jaw, nodded in silent, albeit reluctant, assent. The first chance she got to herself, she would seek out her mother and negotiate an early return to the estate.

In an effort to calm herself, she gazed out the window and the passing landscapes, her mind flitting back to the town square and the rearing mare. A beautiful creature indeed and Y/N had felt a little stab of guilt, how she would have loved to set the poor thing free. She did not know what had spooked the animal, only glad that she had been able to calm her before any injury was caused.

Now, as her agitated mind sought refuge, she recalled the sensation of being watched. Not by the gathered crowd that had so quickly fallen away, no. This had been different. Something unfamiliar skittered along her spine, making her shiver. She had been watched by someone who was curious and not, like the crowd, frightened of what the horse would do.


	4. Such A Small World

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was the abridged version of all the love letters I had ever written. 
> 
> ~ Micheal Faudet

The moment she stepped off the train, she wished she was back amongst the rolling hills of the country. Y/N had never been fond of big cities, the constraints of her station always seemed to tighten and take away what freedom a Lady such as herself could be afforded.

London was indeed very beautiful, Y/N would admit that much. Tall trees blossomed along the sidewalks and made her momentarily forget where she was. Her grandmother had insisted on taking a carriage, even though the Hadleigh townhouse was not all that far from the station.

The brief flash of a recruitment poster brought reality crashing back down around her. How could she possibly forget that the world she knew was slowly cracking open and becoming something quite unrecognisable?

"Now," her grandmother spoke up, drawing Y/N's attention away from the cityscape beyond the walls of the carriage. "After we have taken a few moments to refresh ourselves, we have been invited out to tea."

"By who?" Y/N asked, keeping her tone neutral.

"By a good friend of mine," the Dowager explained. "Lady Anastasia Holton."

"I do believe I remember her from when we last came to London," Irene said, eyes narrowing in thought.

"Yes. She was most pleased when I wrote to tell her of our coming."

Y/N openly stared at her grandmother. "Just how long have you been planning this?'

"Planning?" The older woman repeated, feigning scandal. "Why my dear, you make me sound positively devious."

"That is exactly what you are," Y/N muttered under her breath, earning a warning glance from her mother.

The townhouse was exactly how she remembered it to be. Memories of her season came flooding back, memories of how nervous she had been and excited at the same time. The sounds of laughter and music accompanied the memories and faded just as quickly as she made her way to where she knew her rooms to be.

Not half an hour later, Y/N stood before the mirror, having just dismissed Hannah, her loyal and steadfast maid. Her hair had been fashioned to accommodate a hat and her lilac muslin gown flowed all the way to her ankles. Heaving her shoulders in a heavy sigh, she lifted her chin and swiped her purse from her vanity.

"There you are," Irene greeted her, smiling gently.

Her grandmother said nothing, a silence for which Y/N was grateful.

"Where are we to meet Lady Holton?" Irene asked, breaking the blissful silence.

"At her townhouse," came the reply from the Countess. "She arrived in London just one week ago."

Y/N made a noncommittal sound and soon resorted to looking out the carriage window. Leaning back against the seat, she let the rhythmic rocking of the carriage calm her. London passed them by in a myriad of sounds and colours, all blurred together as Y/N felt her eyes never settle on one thing for too long.

As the carriage crossed the Thames, Y/N's face lit up, water had always been a fascination for her. Here in such a big city, it was a most welcome respite. Without a second thought, she rapped her fist on the roof of the carriage, causing their driver to pull on the reigns, effectively bringing the carriage to a halt.

The moment the carriage stopped, Y/N turned the handle on the door and stepped out.

"Y/N? What in heaven's name are you doing?" Her grandmother called, not caring who heard her.

"Darling?" Irene called, confused as to her daughter's behaviour. "You cannot just-" the rest of her sentence went unheard as Y/N crossed to the stone railing of the bridge.

Y/N gasped softly as she looked down. The afternoon sun sparkled in dappled patterns on the water's surface. A smile broke out over her features as she continued to watch the soothing pull and push of the wavelets on the river's surface. Perhaps her stay in London would not be so bad after all. Taking a deep breath and filling her lungs with fresh London air, she made her way back to the carriage.

Or she would have, had a beautiful grey stallion not caught her eye. Holding up a hand to signal her impending return, she approached the horse. A magnificent creature. "Hello there," she addressed the horse, her earlier smile only growing. The horse nickered softly and eyed her as she got closer. "Hush now," she murmured, "I do not mean you any harm."

Y/N did not know how long she stood there, whispering softly to the horse and stroking his muzzle and occasionally running a gentle hand along his neck. It was only when she felt a tug on her elbow that her bubble of serenity was burst.

"That is quite enough," Irene whispered harshly to her daughter. "What has gotten into you?"

Extracting her elbow from her mother's grasp, Y/N met her mother's gaze. "I needed a distraction," she replied calmly. "You know how uncomfortable I am in big cities such as these."

Irene's harsh gaze softened at her daughter's words. "I know, my darling. But we are expected and you know how your grandmother gets when she is delayed for even a moment."

Sighing, Y/N nodded. Bidding a soft goodbye to the horse, she followed her mother back to the carriage and climbed back in.

Lady Holton's townhouse was more or less the same size as the one that belonged to the Hadleighs. Y/N's attention was immediately drawn to the two towering trees that seemed to stand guard by the main entrance.

Accepting the driver's help, she stepped from the carriage and patiently waited for her mother and grandmother. Colour at the base of the trees soon caught her eye. She smiled with childlike excitement at seeing the colours transform into flowers the closer she moved. Oh, how she longed to kneel down and run her fingers gently along their delicate petals.

So engrossed was she in her observations and thoughts that she failed to notice two men who had stopped a short distance away from the Holton's townhouse.

James blinked not once, but twice, and perhaps a third. If his memory served him correctly, then he recognised this woman. The young woman from the town square. She had taken off her hat and held it at her side, allowing her hair to be exposed to the sunlight that shone through the trees above. She appeared to be admiring the flower bed as though she had never seen the like before.

"That is her, is it not?" Charlie whispered from beside him, breaking James from his observation. "The girl who calmed the horse."

James could only nod.

"Come along, my dear," an older, distinguished-looking woman said to her. "Lady Holton is expecting us."

In an almost reluctant manner, the young woman nodded and set her hat back over her hair. She smiled, not at the woman who had just spoken to her, but at the one who approached her from the carriage. James was stunned to realise that he recognised her too. She had also been there, back in the square.

"Just think of it," Irene whispered to her daughter, sliding her arm through hers. "The sooner we begin this, the sooner it will end."

"Promise?"

Irene laughed and patted her daughter's hand. "Come."

Lady Anastasia Holton was a tall woman. Chestnut hair, shot through with streaks of silver, was elegantly arranged to appear both relaxed and effortlessly stylish. She had kind eyes, eyes that seemed to smile upon seeing Y/N.

"May I present, my granddaughter, Lady Y/N Hadleigh," the Dowager introduced Y/N, who stepped forward and dipped into a shallow curtsy.

Lady Holton smiled down at the young woman. "There is no need for that, my dear."

Y/N returned the smile and returned the greeting.

"And my daughter-in-law," her grandmother continued. "Countess Irene Hadleigh."

"It is a pleasure to finally meet you both," Lady Holton said, smiling at them both and clasping her hands together. "And I am so very glad you accepted my invitation."

Y/N inclined her head and replied, beating her grandmother to it. "The pleasure is all ours, my Lady."

Following their hostess through to the sitting room, Y/N found herself looking at everything at once. While the exterior appeared similar, the interior was a different matter.

"You have a beautiful home," Y/N remarked to Lady Holton. "Most beautiful."

"Thank you, my dear. That is very kind of you."

Sitting down beside her mother, Y/N accepted a delicate cup and saucer from the maid and smiled in thanks. The curling steam was fragrant and made Y/N curious to see what the tea would taste like.

"Tell me," Lady Holton spoke directly to Y/N. "Have you been in London long?"

Taking a sip of her tea and smiling at the taste, Y/N replied. "We arrived just this afternoon."

"Ahh," Lady Holton paused before continuing. "Well, then I certainly hope it would not be too much, or too presumptuous to invite you to a small soiree, here tomorrow night?"

Y/N said nothing, she looked between her mother and grandmother.

"We are honored by such an invitation," Irene replied, nodding and winking at her daughter.

"Excellent," Lady Holton clapped her hands and smiled at all three of them.

That night, as Y/N sat at the edge of her bed, she cast a glance up at the canopy of her bed. Lady Holton seemed altogether quite nice. Even her mother seemed to like her, Y/N thought with a small smile.


	5. To Laugh is To Shine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One day you will meet someone who will see the universe that was knitted into your bones, and the embers of galaxies glow to life in your eyes. And you will finally know what love is supposed to feel like. 
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill (What Does Love Feel Like?)

He stared at her, standing beside her mother. They had never spoken, much less made eye contact, but there was something about her. Something that was impossible to ignore. She said nothing as her mother spoke with the woman before them. The soft candlelight danced gently on the crystalline embellishments of her gown, the soft golden glow had fallen in love with her hair, illuminating every strand and making it shimmer.

"You may well burn holes in her gown if you keep staring like that," Charlie whispered, startling James out of his thoughts.

"I am merely observing," James replied, lifting the fine-stemmed glass he held and taking a sip of the sparkling liquid within it.

"Observing, huh?"

Yes. That is exactly what he had been doing. At least, that is what he told himself. She intrigued him, and yet, she said nothing, letting her mother and her companion carry the conversation. Even from where he stood, he could see that her attention was elsewhere, focused on something only she could see.

As though she could feel him watching her, she turned. He never saw the way her eyes searched the small crowd, eager and a little curious.

"Where are you going?" Charlie hissed as James slipped through the crowd, muttering something about having spotted Major Stewart.

Sighing in resignation, Charlie turned around and found her standing before him, her mother still talking quite animatedly with her friend. The smile she offered him was a small one, shy and a little hesitant.

Clearing his throat, he dipped into a bow, sweeping his cap dramatically. "Lt. Charlie Waverly, at your service, madam."

She giggled, not bothering to hide the sound behind her hand as ladies were often seen doing. Her smile was a little wider this time.

"May I enquire as to your name, my Lady?"

She nodded. "Lady Y/N Hadleigh."

Lifting one of her gloved hands to his lips, he returned her smile. "It is a pleasure to finally meet you my Lady."

A look of confusion swept through her eyes, her brow furrowing. "We have crossed paths before?"

Charlie chuckled and shook his head. "Not in the manner you are no doubt imagining, my Lady. My friend and I, well," here he paused before meeting her gaze. "We saw you."

"You saw me?" There was a hint of amusement in her eyes.

"Yes," Charlie continued. "In a town square, not far out of London."

Y/N felt her eyes widen a fraction as realistion washed over her. "It was you?"

Now it was Charlie's turn to be confused. "What was us?"

"I-, I felt someone watching me throughout the whole ordeal," she explained, her cheeks flushing at the memory.

"While yes, I was indeed drawn to spectacle of it all, I do believe you are speaking of James, my Lady."

"Oh?"

"He was curious," Charlie proceeded to explain. "Fascinated too."

"Oh, um," Y/N knew it was rather undignified to find herself at a loss for words. But it could not be helped.

"I do not mean to appear so forward, my Lady," Charlie apologised, seeing her flustered expression. "Please forgive me."

She waved away his apologies with a white-gloved hand. Swallowing hard, she coughed delicately and met his eyes once more. "Is he here tonight? Your friend?"

Charlie thought for a moment before answering. What was he to tell her? That James all but bolted the scene as soon as her attention landed near them? "Yes," he replied, opting for the simplest answer. "Yes, he is."

"But he is not with you?"

Charlie shook his head. "He was, my Lady. But a mutual friend of ours arrived shortly before you graced me with your presence."

Y/N felt her cheeks begin to burn at the Lieutenant's casual remark.

"Have you been in London long, my Lady?"

Y/N shook her head. "We arrived yesterday afternoon. Lady Holton was kind enough to invite us, especially on such short notice."

"What brings you to this fair city, my Lady?" Charlie asked, curious.

A strange look passed over her features before a smile resettled. "My grandmother, she believed it to be most beneficial for me."

"You do not come to the city often?"

Y/N shook her head. "Not as often as she would perhaps would like. I was born and raised in the country on my parent's estate."

"Forgive me, my Lady, but, how is it that you are so good with horses? Given what my friend and I witnessed."

Y/N laughed, it was a soft sound, not meant to be heard by anyone other that herself and her companion. "There is nothing to forgive, Lieutenant. It is a fair question. I suppose not many young women of my rank and station would have done what I did. It is hard work, creating a bond with a horse. They are such powerful creatures and they rightly demand our respect. A spooked horse, like the mare from that town, is no different. She may not have been my horse, but a bond needed to be forged in order for me to be able even to attempt to calm her."

"Am I right to assume that you ride, my Lady?" Charlie asked, intrigued by her previous answer.

Y/N nodded eagerly and grinned in a most unladylike manner. "You assume correctly. My parents deemed it necessary for me to learn to ride almost as soon as I could walk. My beautiful girl, Sapphire, was given to me the moment I could handle a horse by myself."

Charlie's curiosity was only growing with every word she spoke. "May I enquire as to the breed?"

Her grin faded and became a soft, fond smile. "She is a beautiful, ebony black Friesian."

His eyes widened. They were indeed very elegant horses, a breed known for its grace and speed. He saw a look in her eyes that was not so dissimilar to the one he had often seen with James.

"You are part of the Cavalry, are you not?" Her question drew him from his thoughts.

"Indeed I am," he replied.

"And your friend?"

"Him, too."

Y/N was silent for a short while before speaking again. "Are you both of the same rank?"

"No, my Lady. He is a Captain."

"A Captain," she murmured to herself before addressing her companion once more. "May I ask a rather personal question, Lieutenant? I know we have only just been introduced, so you needn't answer if you do not wish to."

Charlie laughed and shook his head. "Considering the nature of my questions this evening my Lady, please ask away."

Y/N took a deep breath before launching into it. "What is it like? Being part of the Armed Forces, going to war?" Her voice grew quiet towards the end, as though the subject pained her deeply.

"I suppose," Charlie replied after a short while. In truth he was surprised by the nature of her question. "I suppose the most accurate account I am able to give is, that it is unpredictable."

Y/N hummed in what sounded like an agreement. Her eyes were distant and held a sad quality to them.

"What is it, my Lady? You look troubled."

"Troubled," she repeated the word in a breathy whisper. "Yes. I suppose I am."

"Anything I might do to bring that enchanting smile back?"

Y/N felt a giggle bubble up and only just managed to suppress it. Biting her lip, she briefly glanced to where a small orchestra was playing and nodded.

"I do believe I know what will be asked of me," Charlie said, grinning. Approaching her, he extended a hand, "would you do me the honour of allowing me to have this dance, my Lady?"

Y/N nodded minutely and dipped into a curtsy, extending her hand as she rose, placing it in his. "Indeed you may, good sir." Soon they were joining the small group that twirled gracefully before the musicians.

A small crowd had gathered to watch the dancers throughout the evening, with couples coming and going as they saw fit. Irene, who had only just noticed that her daughter no longer stood by her side, was most surprised to find Y/N among the dancers. The Countess smiled to herself. It had been quite some time since Y/N had last enjoyed herself to this extent, away from home.

Irene's eyes followed her daughter as she was spun and twirled and dipped in a series of classical dances. Irene found herself curious as to the identity of her daughter's companion. He was evidently a military man, judging from the dress uniform he wore. Young too and possessed a fine, refined air about him.

James found that he could not look away. By no fault of his own, he now stood watching her as she danced with Charlie. The man was a decent dancer and it was evident that she was too. Her breeding shining through once again.

"Looks like Charlie has finally found someone," Jamie murmured from his left, his tone thoughtful.

James did nothing. Nothing save for trying to swallow past the lump that had risen in his throat.


	6. To Bargain for My Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remember, you are the composer of your own life and happiness. If you don't like the music, change the arrangement.
> 
> ~ Beau Taplin (Tunesmiths)

"Did you enjoy yourself last night?" Irene asked her daughter over breakfast.

Y/N smiled and nodded before sitting down opposite her mother. "Surprisingly, I did." She busied herself with pouring steaming, fragrant tea into the waiting fine china cup.

"I am glad," Irene replied, smiling gently, watching her daughter as she helped herself to a selection of fruits and fine pastries. "You appeared to be in fine company too," she added with a wink.

Noticing her grandmother's customary absence at breakfast, Y/N groaned in response to her mother. "Mother, please. Not you too."

"I am alluding to nothing. I am merely observing how happy you were. I know how you get in big cities such as these. I am glad that you are feeling more at ease."

Y/N blinked and raised her now filled cup to her lips. The fragrant floral steam curled up before her eyes. A thought had crossed her mind a few days prior, but one she had not dared to voice. Setting her cup down gently, she looked to her mother. "I have been thinking, mother."

"Always dangerous," Irene quipped, smirking at her daughter.

"Yes. Well," a wave of nerves washed over her. It sounded all good and fine in her head, but out loud? Swallowing hard, she resolved to continue. "I have an idea. An idea that will benefit all involved."

Irene narrowed her eyes suspiciously, "go on."

"Ever since I was eighteen, I have been pressured to marry. I know that you and father want me too, and I appreciate that, unlike my grandmother, you have not pushed me into it."

"Y/N, where exactly is this going?"

Y/N let out a long, trembling sigh. This was it. She had felt quite pleased with herself for piecing this plan together. "You know me, mother, better than most." She offered her mother a soft smile before continuing. "I have never been opposed to the idea of marriage. In fact, I quite like it. But I suppose, what I do not like about the whole prospect is that my husband will be chosen _for _me, instead of _by _me."

"Darling," Irene began, leaning forward slightly. "You know that that sort of choice is out of the question for our sort."

"But why?' Y/N asked, keeping her eyes locked with her mother's. "Should I not, at least, get to know the man first?"

Irene sighed and leaned back in her chair, taking her teacup with her and taking small sips of the warm liquid. "You will get to know him," she explained, "throughout your engagement."

Y/N rolled her eyes. "I meant, before all that. Can I not at least be friends with the man before he proposes to me?"

Irene chuckled and shook her head. Y/N, out of the five, had always been quite the romantic, a view certainly not helped by all the novels she was so fond of reading. "That is not how our world works, my dear."

"Perhaps it should," Y/N grumbled.

"So, this idea of yours?"

Y/N did not answer right away. She angrily stabbed her fruit a few times before setting the fine silver cutlery down. "I will consent to marry," she started, "but only under one condition."

"Why do I get the feeling that I already know what it is?"

"I get to choose," Y/N continued, "I get to choose who will be my husband."

Irene sighed. "Y/N, my dear girl. I hope you know just how unconventional this is?"

Y/N grinned and nodded.

"You grandmother would have a heart attack if she were to hear of this," Irene muttered.

"Then she does not have to know. She is not my mother. You are."

Irene eyed her daughter in silence before replying. "You know full well that I cannot make such a decision without your father present. Or without him being made aware of such a scheme."

Y/N did not like where this was going. Her father, while she loved him dearly, was almost as bad as his mother. He would insist that she marry someone who would help to further the family fortune and standing.

"I will write to your father," Irene informed her. "I will inform him of your idea."

"Will you at least consider it?" Y/N asked hopefully.

"I cannot say," Irene replied. "I would like too, but, it is all a rather large and unusual request. We shall have to wait and see what your father says."

~ ~ ~

"What is it, Papa?" Thomas asked his father, "is that a letter from Mama?"

At the mention of her mother, Annabelle looked up from her soup.

"Yes," Richard replied, eyes scanning the letter. The delivery alone had alarmed him, post usually did not come at night.

"Does it say when they will return?" Robert chimed in.

"Just over a week," Richard murmured, his eyes narrowing as he read his wife's words.

"Are we allowed to know what else it says?"

Richard looked over at his children and sighed. He supposed that perhaps they did have a right to know, they were her siblings after all. "Your sister has made a rather unusual request."

This piqued the interest of the four siblings. "What is it?" Andrew asked, clearly voicing the thoughts of his brothers and sister.

Richard paused for a moment. How was he to phrase something like this? Y/N's request did not sit well with him and suspicion grew within him like weeds. She was too much of an idealist to see things properly. It hindered her ability to see why rules such as these were even in place. "She wishes to choose."

"Choose?" Annabelle asked, her brows furrowing in confusion. "Choose what, Papa?"

"Her husband," Richard replied, sounding the most resigned his children had ever heard. "She wishes to choose who she gets to marry."

Silence reigned as the family let the news settle.

It was Robert, the eldest, who eventually broke the silence. "But how can she possibly choose? She has not made the acquaintance of a man for quite some time."

"I know, Robert," his father sighed, shaking his head. "But according to your mother, she was most adamant."

"Well?" Thomas asked, "are you going to let her? Choose, I mean."

"I do not know, not yet. This is all very sudden."

"Does grandmother know?"

Richard shook his head. "I do not believe so, your mother made no mention of it."

"That is most likely a good thing," Andrew remarked. They all knew their grandmother's view on marriage and just how much Y/N hated all of her matchmaking attempts.

"I shall write to your mother in the morning with my decision," Richard announced, the words for the letter already forming in his mind.

~ ~ ~

"Where might we be off to today?"

Irene chuckled at her daughter's tone and made to reply when the Dowager stepped in. "The Waverlys have invited us to luncheon at midday."

Y/N blinked and felt her stomach drop at the mention of the name that already seemed so familiar.

_"Lt. Charlie Waverly, at your service, madam."_

"The Waverlys?" She repeated, in desperate need for clarification. She felt suspicion creep up on her and she prayed she was wrong.

"Yes," her grandmother replied, smiling. Reaching forward, she lifted her cup and saucer off the polished wood surface of the low table in the sitting rooms. "Lord and Lady Waverly are in London. They caught wind of our presence and very generously extended an invitation."

"You did not tell them?" Y/N asked, her tone sickly sweet as she batted her eyelashes innocently.

"Not this time," the elder woman answered, taking a sip of her tea.

Irene would not doubt have said something had the footman not come in at that very moment, bearing a letter upon a silver tray. Thanking the young man, Irene fought not to look too eager when she saw who the letter was from. When she had sent the letter the morning before, she had no idea of when it would arrive.

The sounds of Y/N and her grandmother's bickering fell away as Irene read the letter.

_My dearest wife, _

_I was most alarmed when I received a letter from you in the dead of night. For, as you know, post is always delivered during the day. _

_I soon discovered the nature of your letter and why you felt as though you had to send it as urgently, and as quickly as possible. I will be quick to admit that this news has shocked me. I will readily say that the children all know of her request as they saw me read your letter over dinner. They were as shaken as I was. I still am. I fear the consequences such a decision will have. _

_You and I have not pushed the idea of marriage as fervently as my mother. I know that you wish for her to be settled, as do I, my darling. I fear our lack of insistence on this matter has, in some way, caused this to happen. I do believe, however, that we still may be able to turn this in such a way that would still conform to the conventions and rules of our class. _

_If I were to agree to this madness that Y/N calls an idea, then there are conditions. These conditions are what will help us and keep the family where it ought to be. I always envisioned Y/N to be married to someone who would be able to provide her with all the comforts her rank and station demand. The man she marries, must ultimately be of the nobility, upper-class. _

_Robert mentioned something interesting over dinner. He remarked that for Y/N to make a choice, it would be nigh on impossible. She knows none well enough for her to make a decision. And so, my dearest, this brings me to my second and last condition. We shall give her a time, you and I. A time limit to find someone of her choice and to present him to us. I do believe that one year and a day will be most sufficient. _

_If, however, she is unable to conform to these conditions or fails to make a choice, she will marry the man of our choosing. _

_We will speak more on this when you return. _

_Your loving husband,_

_Richard_

The words of her husband's letter ran on a loop through her mind as the carriage bore them to the Waverly's townhouse. She glanced over at her daughter who was making a point of looking out the window, her eyes moving rapidly as they sought to look at everything at once. Y/N had been silent on the journey thus far and Irene knew that she would have to break the news sooner, rather than later. She agreed with every word her husband wrote, it was as though he had read her thoughts and merely transcribed them onto paper.

The moment they arrived, Y/N let her grandmother and mother leave the carriage first. Her thoughts were racing. If this was yet another of her grandmother's schemes, she would be livid. She knew that it would only have been a matter of time for her grandmother to find out the identity of her companion two days prior.

"Y/N?" Her mother's soft voice drew her from her thoughts. Accepting the driver's help, she stepped from the carriage and joined her mother and grandmother on the sidewalk.

"Your father has agreed," Irene whispered to Y/N as they approached the townhouse, the Dowager safely out of earshot.

Y/N needed no explanation. Her eyes lit up, but before she could say anything in reply, her mother continued. "He, of course, has two conditions that you must accept if you wish to pursue this plan of yours."

Y/N nodded and gestured for her mother to continue. "What are they?" She asked, hesitant. She was both excited and fearful of what her father's terms would be.

"He requests that the man you will ultimately choose must be from our class and social standing."

Y/N sighed heavily. She knew it! She ought to have seen this coming. Of course her father would say such a thing. With forced calmness, she asked, "and the second condition?"

"That you find someone in the span of time we have decided to give you. Once you have made your decision, you will bring him to the estate and present him to us."

Y/N dreaded the answer, yet she had to know. "How much time do I have?"

"Your father has decided, and I fully agree, that one year and a day should suffice."

Y/N openly stared at her mother. That was no time at all! "But mother," she protested in a harsh whisper. "One cannot put a time span on forging a bond with someone. These things take time."

"Do you accept the conditions? Or not?"

She did not answer right away. She desperately wanted the choice to be hers. She dreaded the idea of marrying someone she barely knew. Gritting her teeth, she met her mother's gaze. "I accept."

"Excellent," Irene replied, smiling widely.

"But mother," Y/N called softly as her mother made to follow the Dowager into the townhouse. "What should happen if I do not find someone in the time you have given me?"

Irene sighed and turned back to her daughter and took both her hands in hers. "Have you such little faith in your charms, my dear?"

Y/N felt herself blush and she ducked her head. "Mother, please."

"You father has clearly stated that, should you fail to find someone, or someone suitable, then you will marry the man he and I will choose for you."

Her mother's words haunted her as Y/N followed her into the Waverly's townhouse. She most certainly did not want that. She shuddered at the idea. Lifting her chin, she made her decision.


	7. The First Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whenever I'm with you, the clocks stop ticking, death is forgotten and spilt milk - stays spilt. 
> 
> ~ Micheal Faudet (With You)

Unlike most townhouses owned by the wealthy, this one boasted a garden that would put the garden of Eden to shame. Towering trees and dense hedges hid the garden from curious eyes. It almost made one forget that they stood in the centre of a bustling capital city. It almost made one forget that the world was now at war and peace was a far-fetched concept, not yet visible on the all too distant horizon.

Here, in this little paradise, the sun shone as it did in the country and the birds sang their little hearts out. The flowers that grew in meticulously thought-out patterns released their soft perfume into the warm air. James inhaled deeply, he desperately needed moments like this. Moments of utter peace and quiet. He wanted to make them last for as long as possible, never knowing when he might get the chance again.

The sound of his name being called shattered the peaceful atmosphere. Turning, he saw Charlie approach. "There you are," the younger man called out, still a little distance away.

Sighing, James waited for his friend to move closer. He had no desire to raise his voice when a perfectly normal tone would do. "Charlie," he inclined his head in greeting the moment Charlie stood before him.

"The guests have arrived, James. Come along."

"I am not a child, Charlie," he replied, narrowing his eyes at his friend. "You needn't treat me like one."

"Good thing I wasn't then," Charlie said, grinning.

Shaking his head, James walked beside his friend as they wove their way through the small garden and towards the townhouse's back entrance.

"There is someone I would very much like to introduce you to," Charlie said, hoping to break James out of the silence he had fallen into.

"Oh?" James would be lying if he said his interest wasn't piqued. He dared not hope in case of disappointment.

Charlie said nothing further as they stepped over the garden's threshold and ascended a short flight of stairs that led back into the townhouse.

She stood as he had seen her two days before. Her mother stood beside her, evidently trying to encourage her daughter's participation in the conversation with Lady Waverly.

She wore no adornments in her hair and a hat was no where to be seen. While she smiled at the two women, there was an edge to it. An edge that suggested that perhaps all was not as well as it seemed.

"I do believe my daughter is already acquainted with your son," Irene said to Lady Waverly, drawing Y/N's immediate attention.

"Yes," the older woman murmured, looking Y/N up and down.

Y/N felt the sudden urge to run and hide. The way that woman was looking at her was making her uncomfortable. Flashing a brief smile, she finally let her eyes wander. Lt. Waverley had been there to greet her and her mother and grandmother. Where had he suddenly vanished too?

Then she saw him and her smile grew into a more genuine one. She gave a small wave so as not to attract too much attention. She did not see his answering wave, or his grin. For her attention had been caught on the man beside him. Her wide smile became softer, almost shy. She did not dare wave to him, lest he think her too forward. So this was the Captain friend she had been told of. Her heart stuttered in her chest when her eyes met his soft blue ones. There was a smile in them, as shy as the one on her lips.

Y/N barely noticed it when her mother called softly to her, snatching her attention right back. "Y/N? Have you been paying any attention?"

_Y/N. _James repeated the name silently to himself. It suited her well. Very well. The small, hesitant smile she had given him had branded itself into his memory. She was even more beautiful when she smiled. Heavens above, what he would do to see it once more.

Irene's conversation with Lady Waverly and the barely-there attention of her daughter, was politely interrupted by two trim looking officers. Irene recognised one of them, he had danced with Y/N at the Holton's soiree. Y/N had never made a mention of his name.

"May we cut in?" Charlie asked politely, smiling at all three women. Y/N looked beyond relieved while her mother appeared most confused.

"Of course, my dear," his mother replied smoothly, glancing briefly at James.

"Lt. Waverly," Y/N tried hard not to sound too eager, being ever mindful of her mother who stood beside her.

"My apologies for leaving so abruptly, my Lady."

Y/N shook her head and smiled, waving her hand in a dismissive gesture. "It is quite alright, Lieutenant. May I introduce my mother? Countess Irene Hadleigh." She barely heard it as he introduced himself more formally to her mother. She felt a blush rise to her cheeks as she noticed that his friend was looking at her.

"You must be Lady Y/N Hadleigh," he spoke softly, eyes never leaving hers. She felt herself nod, words failing to come to her. Then, in the same gentleman-like manner of his friend, he gently took her hand in his gloved ones and raised it to his lips.

It felt as though she had been branded. The soft touch of his lips to her bare knuckles sent a soft gasp hissing passed her lips. In an effort to hide her reaction, she at last found the ability to speak. "Indeed, sir." The words were spoken in a voice that was much more confident than she felt.

"Captain James Nicholls, at your service, my Lady." He formally introduced himself and let her hand go.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Captain," she replied, gracing him with a small smile.

"May I steal you away for a moment?" His question was loud enough for her mother to hear.

Irene's attention was momentarily distracted by the Captain's question. Her gaze flicked to her daughter. A faint blush was gradually receding from her daughter's visage and the remnants of a smile lingered on her lips.

"Of course, you may, Captain," she replied, knowing that he, intentionally or not, was asking her permission. 

"Have you seen the gardens, my Lady?" James asked her, Y/N's eyes snapping back to him.

Shyly, she shook her head. "No, Captain. I am afraid I have not."

"Then allow me to be your guide," he offered his arm, "if you will have me, that is."

A small giggle escaped her as she looped her arm through his. "I would be honoured, Captain."

James watched her closely as they stepped from the confines of the townhouse. Her eyes widened and her lips parted in an expression of soft amazement. Her arm slipped from his as her feet began to carry her through the garden.

Y/N was only barely aware of his eyes on her. The garden was stunning and reminded her a little of home. She did not venture far, no matter how much she wanted too. Her eyes swept over everything and landed, with delight, on a patch of yellow pansies.

He reveled in her delight. It was infectious. She did not laugh or skip through the garden, as perhaps he had expected her to. No. She moved slowly, as if wishing to memorise the very grass beneath her feet. When, however, she knelt by a flower patch, he felt compelled to join her. Something in her drew him to her side.

"My grandmother would have a heart attack if she were to see me now," she remarked, a smile in her voice. When her eyes looked up and met his, they sparkled with mischief.

"I am afraid I have not yet had the pleasure of making her acquaintance, my Lady."

The mischief in her eyes faded to something gentler. Standing, she faced him. "That is quite alright, Captain. Please do not feel pressured to do so. I am sure an opportunity will soon present itself."

"Charlie tells me you ride, my Lady?"

Her brows furrowed in brief confusion. _Charlie? _The confusion quickly cleared as she realised he spoke of Lt. Waverley. "Indeed I do, Captain."

Their walk resumed, their conversation drifting towards their shared interest and obvious love of horses. Y/N struggled not to let herself ramble when he asked her about her precious girl. Her fondness for the animal crept into her words and lit her eyes with a soft glow.

When they were called in as luncheon was served, their conversation came to a halt. Y/N felt her grandmother's eyes on her and prayed she had not yet found out about the Captain, or she would never hear the end of it.

When, at long last, it came to making their goodbyes, that Y/N followed her mother and grandmother.

"It was a pleasure to have you," Lady Waverly said to Irene and the Dowager, and smiled briefly at Y/N who returned the expression.

As they made their way to the entrance, Captain Nicholls fell into step beside her. "Will we be seeing more of you, my Lady?" His tone was soft, his words evidently only meant for her.

Y/N met his gaze with a gentle shrug of her shoulders and a half smile. "I cannot say for certain, Captain. But I most certainly hope so." She felt her heart flutter at the gentle hope in his eyes and she knew, for a fact, that it was mirrored in hers.


	8. Blue Among Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You were you, and I was I; we were two, before our time. 
> 
> I was yours, before I knew; and you have always been mine too. 
> 
> ~ Lang Leav (Always)

Dowager Countess, Lady Katherine Hadleigh did not appreciate liars. Not that she could be entirely blamed for that. Above all other virtues, she valued honesty the most. She had raised her son to believe so too. So now, as she sat across from her daughter-in-law, why was she feeling as though there was a whole story that she had not yet been told? Irene was clever, words in particular were her forte, she molded them and sculpted them to suit her needs, and if necessary, use them as shields against the vitriol of others.

"Where is our dear Y/N this morning?" She asked, observing Irene's relaxed behaviour. It seemed as though her daughter's absence was not all that unsettling to her. As far as Lady Katherine recalled, her granddaughter was not particularly fond of cities. "I have not seen her since we retired after supper last night."

Irene smiled into her tea cup. Her eyes betrayed nothing as to the inner workings of her mind. Of course she knew where her daughter was. She had, after all, given her permission to go. "My sister is in London," she replied smoothly, setting the fine floral china-ware down. "Since it has been quite some time since she has last seen any of the children, I encouraged Y/N to go."

Lady Katherine narrowed her eyes at the younger woman. "Alone?"

Irene nodded. "Of course. She may not be fond of London, but she is more than able to take care of herself."

"It is highly improper," the Dowager huffed, unable to believe what she was hearing. "A young lady such as our Y/N. Out alone on the streets of London. Why did you not go with her?"

Irene sighed and clasped her hands in her lap. "Y/N is an adult. We must treat her like one. But I understand your concerns, so I assure you, she will not be gone long, only until luncheon."

"Will there be anyone there with them?"

Briefly closing her eyes, Irene let out a long, drawn-out breath. "I did not inquire as to my sister's guest list," she said, impatience and irritation seeping into her voice. "So no," she met the older woman's gaze, "I do not know. But there may well be. My sister is well known amongst London society. Now, if you'll excuse me," with those words, she swept from the dining room.

Lady Katherine stared after her. Irene was usually so composed, despite the obvious tension between the two. Tension that had been present ever since Irene's engagement to Richard.

~ ~ ~

"It has been far too long since our last meeting."

Y/N soon found herself agreeing with her aunt. Lady Amelia Addington, her mother's younger sister, was a pleasant woman. With an easy smile and kind eyes, she bore a strong resemblance to her older sister.

"I feel I must thank you."

Her aunt quirked an eyebrow, clearly confused. "Whatever for, my dear?"

"For sending the carriage," Y/N explained. "It was very kind and thoughtful of you."

Lady Amelia winked. "Think nothing of it, darling. You are family. It is what we do."

Y/N smiled and nodded before reaching out and delicately stirring her tea, into which she had added sugar a few moments before.

"I have been thinking," her aunt spoke up, setting down her own tea set.

"Oh?"

"Since your mother has given us but the morning, you and I shall go for a walk."

Y/N blinked, believing she had not heard quite right. "A walk?"

Lady Amelia nodded, smiling widely. "Yes, indeed. My dear sister tells me that your stay in London is all together quite short. Come," standing, she offered a hand to her niece. "I shall show all of my favourite places to visit whenever I am in London."

"But what if we should tire?"

Her aunt laughed. "That is of no matter, sweet girl. We shall not be going all that far."

Y/N thought of her aunt's idea and her heart leapt at the chance. Taking her aunt's hand, she stood.

Y/N's aunt kept true to her word. They walked through gardens in which rainbows of flowers bloomed and the gentle light of the morning sun came dappled through the leaves of the trees. They visited bookshops with shelves that ran from floor to ceiling and whose shelves were positively filled to bursting. The smell of ink on paper made for a heady mixture for Y/N. It had been an age since she had last set foot in a shop such as that.

Both women were glad for the hats they had chosen to wear, for the gentleness of the morning light had given way to one much warmer as the day passed on. It was late morning by the time Lady Amelia insisted they pause. Her eyes, so similar to her sister's, lit up.

Curious as to see what had excited her aunt so, Y/N looked to what had captured the older woman's attention. It was a café. A small one.

"Come along," Lady Amelia said, looping her arm through her niece's. "You simply must try their strawberry and almond pastries, they are divine."

Y/N chuckled at her aunt's antics and walked along beside her until they came to the quaint establishment. It was nothing posh or distinctly upper-class and it was the small haphazard bunches of flowers that stood atop the checkered tablecloths, that made Y/N instantly fall in love. It reminded her of the village near her parent's estate.

Once the waiter had passed by to take their orders, Y/N settled back in her cushioned seat and took the opportunity to admire the place. It was evidently well-known, most of the tables were full and the very air was alive with the soft chatter of the other patrons.

"So?" Lady Amelia asked, waggling her eyebrows in an expectant manner, making Y/N laugh.

"It is quite beautiful," Y/N replied, a genuine smile curving her lips. "It reminds me of home. The country."

"Ah."

Y/N floundered. "That is," she began in a hurry, feeling a blush come on. "I do appreciate London. It is rather beautiful, in fact, even more so that I expected."

Lady Amelia chuckled and rested a gentle hand on her niece's fidgeting ones. "It is quite alright, my dear. We all have our weaknesses. Yours is where you were born and raised. And I understand. I can imagine that the country is a little bit more forgiving to our kind than the cities are."

Relieved, Y/N nodded and gently squeezed her aunt's hand before letting go. "In some ways," she replied. "And not so much in others."

Her aunt hummed in agreement and sighed. "Yes. Well. I suppose we are all bound by things we cannot escape."

Before either could say a word more, the waiter returned.

Blowing gently on her tea, Y/N eyed the pastry before her hungrily. She had only taken a light breakfast before she had departed for her aunt's that morning and had not eaten since.

Glancing across at her aunt, she smiled softly. For the second time since her arrival in London, she felt completely at ease.

"You know," Lady Amelia murmured, drawing Y/N from her thoughts. "It is times like these that make me grateful that I have no children, let alone sons, of my own."

Blinking at the sudden change in conversation tone, Y/N cleared her throat as delicately as she could. "What makes you say that?"

"That," her aunt replied, her gaze fixed on something over Y/N's shoulder.

Y/N felt her shoulders sag slightly as she turned to look. A recruitment poster had been tacked to a lamp post. "The boys are wanting to join," she murmured, thinking of the excitement of her brothers.

"Surely not?!" Her aunt exclaimed in a harsh whisper, her eyes round with shock.

Y/N nodded, her mouth set in a grim line.

"All three of them?"

"I am afraid so," Y/N answered. "Though Robert is the only eligible one. Thank heavens."

Lady Amelia narrowed her eyes. "What is the youngest one can be?"

"Nineteen."

Her aunt said nothing. She knew as well as Y/N that the twins, Thomas and Andrew, would soon reach that age. A mere two months.

Y/N let her attention drift, in hopes that it would catch on something much more pleasant. She silently examined the passersby, making up stories for them before they left her sight forever. Then came a face that needed no story, at least, not one that she could conjure up. He was deep in conversation with his two companions as they walked alongside the park Y/N and her aunt had emerged from.

He wore no blue and white dress uniform. No. This time he was attired in what appeared to be a shade of olive green, perhaps a little lighter. The Captain's hat he wore hid his blond hair from her. He was not close enough for her to hear his voice or the words he spoke, yet she knew it was him. She felt, in that instant, as though she would know him anywhere.


	9. I Felt Helpless Looking At You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I saw it once, I have no doubt; but now can't place its whereabouts. 
> 
> I try to think it, time and time; but what it is, won't come to mind. 
> 
> A word, a scent- a feeling, past. But it won't show, though how much I've asked. 
> 
> And when it comes, I soon forget- this is how it felt, when we first met. 
> 
> ~ Lang Leav (Déjà Vu)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are my beautiful people! I apologise for the delay, it seems as though the inspiration train took a while to arrive ;P 
> 
> Anyhoo...bit of a warning for this chapter, there is a very brief mention of suicide so please do be careful my lovelies.

They were no longer walking the sunlit streets of London when Jaime delivered the news.

Seated within his office at the London Barracks, Major Jaime Stewart looked across at the two officers seated before him. Captain James Nicholls and Lt. Charlie Waverly. Two of his closest friends. A shadow had passed over the clear blue of James's eyes as he sought to fully take on board what he had been told. Charlie seemed to have gone a little distant.

"France, you say?" James finally spoke.

Jaime nodded. "Indeed."

The magnitude of the war had not been lost on James. He was under no illusion of grandeur, nor was he naively following dreams of glory. War was a bloody business, one never truly returned. He had seen his father and brother return from Africa as mere shells of their former selves. He knew that the war had never truly ended for them, not until their untimely deaths. His older brother had taken his own life. It had crippled the family and had driven his mother to elicit a promise from James, a promise that he would not follow in his brother's footsteps. A promise that had gone unfulfilled as an accident had taken her life that very day, and the life of his father alongside.

The horrors of war were not lost on James, nor on his two companions. In truth, he was frightened. Scared to death. Yet it was his rank and his responsibility to those around and below him to remain calm. As calm as one could be in the face of such a nightmare.

Their regiment would be the first of the Cavalry to go. Across the Channel to fight the Germans on French soil. A date had been set, two months away, exactly to the day. This new and rather unsettling information had brought everything into shocking clarity. James knew that eventually he would have been sent to fight the Germans.

"Did they specify as to why it would be our regiment in particular?" Charlie asked, breaking into James's thoughts and bringing him back to the present.

The Major shook his head. "I am sure they do have their reasons, Charlie. But they evidently did not deem it important enough to tell me."

Charlie nodded in silent acceptance.

"So, what now?" James asked, looking to Jaime. "I mean, do we continue as before?"

Jaime nodded. "Yes. We do. Only, our stay here, in the city, will now be shorter than originally planned."

"Oh? By how much?" Charlie asked, curious.

"Instead of the planned four weeks, it is now three. Head Office would like us to continue to encourage recruitment. They are most eager to build up our numbers."

James said nothing. His thoughts began to drift in a direction that was of a much more pleasurable nature. Their stay in London was nearing a week. Only two more to go.

Would he be so fortunate as to lay eyes on her once more before he was to depart? He never did find out how long her intended stay was. Would she consent to allow him to write to her? He silently prayed that she would. It was true, he had known her for barely a day, and yet, he dreaded the thought of being separated from her.

"There is a reception tonight," Jaime announced, yanking James from his bittersweet musings. "To which the three of us have been invited."

"Do we know the hosts?" Charlie asked, casting a quick glance at the Captain beside him.

"Yes. I mean, I do. As you both are undoubtedly aware, the Addingtons, own one of many art galleries throughout London. A new collection is making its debut tonight."

Both James and Charlie were familiar with the Addingtons. A rather wealthy, upper-class family. Only one of their two daughters was married thus far. Rumour had it that the younger, Lady Amelia Addington, had no intention of marrying at all.

"Dress uniform? Or tails?" James enquired, rising from his seat to stretch his legs.

"Tails," Jaime confirmed, earning a relieved sigh from his friends. He chuckled. While the blue and white dress uniforms were indeed striking and impressive, they had the penchant for being rather uncomfortable if worn for long periods of time.

~ ~ ~

In truth, Y/N was beyond excited. While she herself was more inclined towards the written word, she had always held a certain amount of admiration for the painters. A fair collection of exquisite paintings hung throughout different rooms back home at the estate. Of all the subjects depicted and captured on canvas, Y/N had always admired those painters that had managed to capture the tempestuous and unpredictable nature of water. Her fascination with the element was something that had carried through from her childhood and had only increased the older she became.

Y/N was thrilled to have received an invitation from her aunt that morning. The day after they had spent the morning together. In all honesty, Y/N was surprised to learn that her maternal grandparents were in town, her mother had said nothing. Did she perhaps wish for it to be a surprise?

The invitation had indicated that she was free to bring an additional two people. Y/N grimaced at the implication, while she was more than happy to take her mother, who had no doubt received an invitation of her own, she dreaded what her grandmother would be like when faced with the other side of the family.

"Oh milady," her maid Hannah, gushed as she finished settling the fabric of the gown over Y/N's shoulders. "What a picture you make."

Y/N laughed quietly at her maid's reaction to her newest gown. Peach in colour, it was overlain with a length of sheer fabric, with white flowers sewn into the material. Short sleeves cascaded down her upper arms and were of the sheer overlay that added a look of something quite different to the gown. A small train followed behind her as she sat at her vanity for Hannah to fashion her air into something respectable.

"You know, I have come to realise something," Y/N spoke, meeting Hannah's eyes through the mirror.

"And what might that be, milady?" Hannah replied, twisting her mistress's hair into an elegant series of curls, allowing a tasteful few strands to hang free.

"That despite my mother's family owning more than one art gallery, I have yet to be to one. Can you believe that?"

Hannah smiled at the young woman and patted her shoulders gently. "Well, it seems that now you have gotten the chance, milady."

Y/N nodded and sighed happily. "I wish you and the others could come too. It is horribly unfair for us to leave you all behind like that."

Hannha shrugged and stepped back to gain a better look at her completed work. The finished result was to a Grecian effect, one that often suited her mistress better than most. "It is of no matter, milady. In truth, I would not know what to do at a gallery."

Y/N giggled, her eyes twinkling. "Well, in that case, I do hope you have been given the evening off." She raised her eyebrows in an expectant manner.

"That we have, milady."

"Good," Y/N said, her tone being one of approval. Her eyes flew to her reflection and she gasped softly. "Oh Hannah. You have outdone yourself once again."

"I am pleased you like it, milady."

Y/N smiled before standing and facing her maid. "I do believe that tonight will be rather cool, would you mind fetching my coat? The white one."

A moment later, and with a little help from Hannah, Y/N pulled the coat on over her gown, effectively shielding her neck and upper arms from the chill of the evening.

"Very nice, milady."

Y/N bit her lip and smiled. "Thank you, Hannah. Now remember, enjoy your evening."

"But what of you, milady? Once you return?"

"No need to worry, my dear. I am sure I will be able to manage for one night," winking, she swept from the room and down to where her mother and grandmother were waiting.

~ ~ ~

Soft piano music danced through the air and mingled with the soft chatter of the gathered crowd. Gentle lighting had been used to introduce the newest collection at the Addington Museum of Art in Central London.

Y/N covered her mouth with a gloved hand as she took in her surrounds. A soft gasp was muffled by the satin of her glove. Her eyes were everywhere at once, she simply could not decide which piece she wanted to see first.

"Beautiful, is it not?" Irene whispered to her awestruck daughter.

Y/N nodded wordlessly. Yes, it most certainly was.

"Sister!" Lady Amelia appeared out of seemingly thin air, startling her niece.

"Amelia," Irene laughed and embraced her younger sibling. "It is good to see you."

"Likewise," Lady Amelia replied, beaming. "I am so glad you decided to accept the invitation. Mother and Father are around here somewhere."

"I am certain I will cross paths with them throughout the evening," Irene assured her sister.

"I am glad you came," Lady Amelia said to her niece, "I remember your mother telling me how much you admire art."

Y/N nodded and smiled at her aunt. "Indeed I do, I thank you for the invitation."

Winking, her aunt turned her attention back to her mother. "I would love nothing more than to show you three the collection myself, but I fear there are more guests to greet."

Laughing, Irene waved her sister off. "Off you go then. I shouldn't want to keep you." However, as she turned to her daughter, she saw that Y/N no longer stood beside her. "Y/N?"

"Over there," the Dowager Countess replied, pointing in the direction her granddaughter had gone.

Irene breathed a sigh of relief as she spotted her daughter standing before a large painting of an oceanscape.

Her attention caught on the piece before her, everything else seemed to fall away. There were no people in the painting, something that Y/N enjoyed greatly. There were enough portraits hanging throughout the estate.

Blinking, she brought herself back to the present. Accepting a glass of champagne from a waiter, she let her feet carry her to the next piece. One of equal beauty. It took her breath away, once again it was the ocean, but from within the waves emerged a snow white horse. "How beautiful," she murmured, unable to keep silent.

"I must agree with you on that one, my Lady."

Startled, Y/N looked to her side and saw a young man standing beside her. Dressed to the nines in a crisp white dress shirt and a black suit with tails, she almost did not recognise him. Yet, it was his soft blue eyes and gentle voice that led her to piece it together. "Captain Nicholls," she greeted him, feeling as though she had been caught staring when he smiled at her.

"Lady Y/N," he greeted in turn.

"You enjoy art?" She asked, looking between him and the painting.

"Indeed I do," he replied. "And I see, you do too?"

Y/N nodded and took a sip of the champagne she all but forgotten about. "While I prefer to write, I do admire the painters."

"You write, my Lady?" James asked, surprised.

"Nothing serious," she murmured, turning her attention to the painting. "Just a few scribblings here and there. I read, mostly."

The Captain found himself smiling at her words. Without a doubt, he was sure she wrote as beautifully as she spoke.

The pair soon found themselves traversing the gallery together. "Have you met the hosts?" Y/N asked, her eyes already landing on the next painting.

James nodded. "Indeed I have. Lovely people."

Y/N bit her lip to keep from grinning. "Yes," she agreed, softy. "They most certainly are."

"Do you know them, my Lady?"

Y/N nodded and smiled. "You could say that, yes." Her attention left the rather intricate and life-like painting before her. He looked so different out of his military uniform, but no less a Captain. The suit was well made and tailored to perfection.

James knew she was staring, quite openly so. Yet, he could not bring himself to tell her, for the way she was looking at him, was how one might gaze over a beloved piece of art. _Y/N. _How beautifully her name sounded as he whispered it to himself, not daring to say it where she might hear him. Her name was his treasure, her very being, her existence brought him hope of a better future.

A rush of heat flooded her cheeks as she realised what she was doing. Blinking rapidly, she shook her head. "I feel I must apologise, Captain," she murmured, not overly eager for anyone to have borne witness to what she had just done. It was horribly rude to stare.

"There is nothing to apologise for, my Lady," he replied, in an equally soft tone. A faint rosy hue dusted her cheeks as she ducked her head in an effort to avoid his gaze. Taking one of her gloved hands in his, he raised it to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to her knuckles.

Y/N found that she could not look away, his sapphire eyes held her captive. Just as they had done when they had first met two days prior. "Captain," she breathed, sighing and speaking at the same time.

Oh, how he wished what his given name would sound like should she ever speak it. Yet, he dared not ask that of her, not matter much he might have wanted to. Gently letting go of her hand, he took a step back. "My Lady."

Fighting the urge to trace her knuckles with trembling fingers, she took a deep breath and promptly finished what champagne had remained in her glass. Not caring for the undignified manner in which she did so.

James chuckled at the sight. She was unique, this one. He watched as she passed the now empty glass to a passing waiter before turning back to him.

"I fear I must apologise for my behaviour tonight, Captain."

James frowned. In the short time he had known her, she had apologised more than anyone he had ever met. "I do believe you are repeating yourself, my Lady. You apologise much too often," he coaxed her eyes to meet his with naught but a gentle touch to her hand.

Y/N peered at him through her eyelashes. Did she really? No one had ever told her that before.

"Shall we continue?" James asked, nodding towards the paintings that hung on the walls.

Y/N nodded, struggling not to appear too eager. She did not link her arm with the Captain's, not did he offer it. They were content to walk side-by-side, each stealing glances at the other when they believed them not to be looking. Their voices became hushed as they commented on the paintings they passed by.

"Who is that young man with my granddaughter?" Lady Katherine asked Irene who stood near by.

Irene looked to where the Dowager was pointedly looking. She had not the faintest idea, although, now that she thought on it, he did look rather familiar.

"I cannot say that I know," she murmured thoughtfully, her eyes narrowed as she sought to recall. "Perhaps Amelia would know."

"Perhaps I would know what?" Lady Amelia asked, appearing beside her sister, eliciting a small gasp from her older sister.

"You need to really stop doing that," Irene grumbled.

"All in good time," she waved her sister's words away and leaned in. "So, what is this that I could potentially know?"

Irene sighed and motioned over towards where Y/N was walking beside a blond young man dressed in a very smart suit of tails. "Would you, by any chance, know who Y/N's companion is?"

Lady Amelia nodded. "I sure do. That is Captain James Nicholls. He is a good friend of Major Jaime Stewart, who in turn, is a good friend of Father."

"Then how come this is the first I am hearing of him?" Irene asked, turning to her sister.

"Because, my darling sister," Lady Amelia replied, "you were already happily married by the time Father met him."

If Irene replied, and Lady Katherine was sure that she did, she did not hear it. _Nicholls. _That name rang the bell of familiarity a little too loudly. Just where had she heard that name before?


	10. Alone Within A Crowd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I'm with you, love needs no explanation. It just is and we just are. 
> 
> ~ Michael Faudet

"My dear, it is so good to see you."

"You too, grandmother," Y/N replied, smiling widely at her maternal grandmother. Unlike with the Dowager, Y/N felt less constrained while in the presence of her mother's family. The Addingtons, while a very old, wealthy, upper-class family, applied less pressure, thus allowing Y/N to feel as though she could breathe without being judged for it.

"And how are your brothers? What about little Annabelle?"

Y/N laughed at the eagerness with which her grandmother asked after her siblings. "They are very well, grandmother. Although, I suspect that the boys will all wish to sign up for this war." Her tone dropped so as not to alert her mother's attention.

The older woman sighed and took both her granddaughter's hands in her own. Giving them a gentle squeeze. "War is a dreadful business, my dear. As I am sure you are aware. We must have faith that everything will turn out for the best. Does your mother know of this?"

Y/N shook her head. "I have not said a word to her. I believe the boys should be the ones to break the news."

"Right you are," her grandmother praised and smiled. "Now," she said after a pause, "how have you been enjoying London?"

A small smile crept to her lips. "I have been enjoying it better than I believed I would."

"Amelia tells me that you attended the opening of a new collection at our gallery in central London? I regret very much that we did not get a chance to speak that night."

"It is of no matter, dear grandmother. I enjoyed myself tremendously. The art was all very beautiful."

Lady Maria Addington looked down at her granddaughter fondly. "Are you certain there is no other reason, my dear?"

Y/N groaned, making her grandmother laugh.

"I jest, dear girl. I know you have always been fond of art," she replied with a wink. She watched her however. Despite her display of displeasure at the very mention of the subject, a light blush had painted her cheeks in a most becoming hue. Lady Maria smiled secretly to herself. Just _who _had captured her granddaughter's attention?

"Would you excuse me for a moment, grandmother? I do believe I see my mother waving me down."

With murmured assent, Lady Maria let her go and smiled after her. Cities had always made Y/N uncomfortable, it was relieving to see her even a little more at ease.

In truth, Irene was on the other side of the room, completely out of sight of her daughter. Y/N had seen someone else. Someone who returned the colour to her cheeks the moment she laid eyes on him. Looking as handsome as ever in his Captain's uniform.

Weaving through the small crowd in her aunt's sitting rooms, Y/N ducked out into the adjoining hall. She had been given no warning that he would be in attendance that afternoon.

"The moment I entered, you departed. I am at a loss of how to perceive such a course of action."

Spinning around, Y/N gasped softly. "Captain, I-"

Captain Nicholls raised a hand to hush her, smiling gently. "I apologise, my Lady. I have startled you."

Y/N shook her head, despite his words being the truth.

"Your sudden departure alarmed your aunt," he proceeded to explain. His blue eyes tender as he looked down at her. "She merely asked me to make sure you are alright."

Swallowing hard, she mustered a convincing smile. "That is very kind of you, Captain." The breath stuttered in her throat as she sighed. "But as you can see, I am quite well."

"Indeed," he replied softly.

"Shall we go back in?" Y/N asked, her eyes bright as they looked up at him. "I fear our absence may raise more questions that I fear I would have the answers to."

James chuckled at her words and extended an arm to her. Smiling almost shyly, she looped her arms through his.

"Chin up, my Lady," he whispered to her, "you are above them all."

Y/N was sure that his arm linked with hers was the only thing keeping her standing. Directing her gaze to his, she felt her breath stolen from her. The look in his eyes, combined with his soft smile, the one he seemed to reserve for her, was enough to send her heart beat into a frenzy. The butterflies in her stomach seemed to be dancing up a jig.

Together they reentered. If their arrival was noted, they were not made aware of it.

Y/N was brought out of her thoughts the moment a glass of champagne entered her vision. Blinking, she looked up and saw that Captain Nicholls was very kindly offering her something to drink. Murmuring her thanks, she took the glass, her ungloved fingers brushing fleetingly against his.

"My aunt made no mention your coming."

Her words startled the Captain. She was related to the Addingtons? "That is likely because she did not know. A mutual friend of ours took it upon himself to bring me along."

"You do not enjoy such events?"

James regarded her for a moment before answering. In truth, he detested such gatherings. Filled to the brim with nothing but idle gossip and useless chatter, he knew of better ways to spend his time. Y/N had turned from him and was looking out the window they stood beside. Something akin to a relaxed air seemed to surround her. "I suppose it would depend on the company," he replied in a tone so soft she almost did not hear it.

"Well Captain, in any case, the company my mother's family keeps is almost always agreeable."

He did not say anything in reply. For how could he when no words would come to him? He was content to watch her as she observed nature from behind a pane of glass.

"Forgive me, my Lady," he spoke up after a few moments of silence. "If my next question is too forward."

The smile she sent him was easily the most beautiful he had ever seen. It was kind, encouraging. "You are too much of a gentleman to ask such a question, Captain. But please," she motioned for him to continue, "ask away."

"Might I inquire as to the length of your stay, or what remains of it, in London?"

The question surprised her. For she too, had been wondering the very same about him. "Three days, Captain. Then it is back home to the country."

James saw the effect his question had in her eyes. She had been taken aback but had answered with every grace befitting a woman of her rank. "Three days?" He found himself repeating.

Y/N nodded and took a sip from the glass she held. "My grandmother, my father's mother, only arranged for us to stay for two weeks." Her eyes met his.

"And where is home for you, my Lady?" James asked, curious.

This small change in topic appeared to ease her a fraction. "The County Devon, Captain."

Devon. James could not recall ever having been. Nor had he ever wished too, until now. Now he wished to see the rolling countryside of her childhood home, where no doubt her most precious memories were made. He wished to become as familiar with it as she was. With every brook and stream, every hill and lane.

"Are you quite alright, Captain?" Y/N asked in a soft tone. His eyes were focused on something out beyond the window.

"Indeed, my Lady," he replied, bringing his attention back to her. An expression of gentle concern was written across her features, rendering a tender look in her eyes.

"I am relieved," she murmured, nodding minutely.

"Might I ask a favour of you, my Lady?"

"Of course you may," she replied, passing her glass to a passing waiter and turning her attention full back to him. "Please, we are friends are we not?" There was a smile in her voice.

"Stay," James said the word before he could stop himself.

Y/N blinked up at him. "I'm sorry?" She asked with a fine tremor to her voice. Her eyes sought his for an explanation to the word she desperately wanted to have heard. He wanted her to _stay__?_

"I have no right to ask this of you, my Lady," he continued, "I know that. But I feel as though we have only just become familiar with each other, and then you will be gone."

"I am not leaving the country, Captain," she laughed softly. "I am merely going back home."

"If you were to have ample reason to stay, would you?"

Y/N did not know where this boldness in her Captain had suddenly come from. Wait, _her _Captain? When did that happen? Nevertheless, his boldness inspired her to speak her next words. "In a heartbeat."


	11. Noble of Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nobody knows your heart better than you. Trust your instincts. Never let anyone cast a shadow over your sunshine.
> 
> ~ Michael Faudet

William Arthur Nicholls. Known in his younger years as _Lord _William Arthur Nicholls. Youngest son of Lord and Lady Nicholls of Beresford Park. Younger brother to Lord Arthur James Nicholls. Or at least, he had been until he had married one Miss Jane Portmore, a local village girl who worked as a laundress beside her mother.

Yes. Lady Katherine nodded to herself. It had been quite the scandal, the news and gossip had spread far and wide. It had been all the newspapers could think to speak of for the better part of three months. Having been closely acquainted with the Nicholls's, the Dowager had been truly rattled by the news. She had found herself agreeing with his parents when they had confided in her that they had decided to both disown and disinherit their youngest.

Now, twenty-five years later, she could not help but wonder if the Captain that had her granddaughter so wrapt, was indeed the offspring of the errant young Lord. His name alone had been enough to pique her curiosity, as it had been some time since she had heard that name. Then, it was his eyes, they were unmistakably his father's, they were the exact same shade of soft blue. His light hair, the Countess surmised, must have come from his mother, as his father had sported a dark shade of brown, almost black.

She knew that William had been a soldier, as had his elder son, Markus. It should not have surprised her that now his youngest was too. A Captain no less, when his father had been a mere Corporal.

Raised by his uncle, she had been told, after his parents and brother died. Raised to be every inch the gentleman his father had been.

But Y/N. The girl held an apparent fondness for him and it was that, that the Dowager Countess Hadleigh deemed troublesome. She did not approve of those that lied to achieve their goals, and it very much evident that her granddaughter had no knowledge of his true heritage and had been swayed by a few pretty choice words and a handsome face. No, Lady Katherine decided, it would not do for her eldest granddaughter to affiliate herself with a liar such as he, a crossbreed if ever she saw one.

"Lady grandmother?" Speak of the devil, there she was. Her hand was curled around the open door, her head leaning out so that her face was visible while the rest remained hidden by the door. "You wished to speak with me?"

"Yes, please do come in, my dear." It was as plain as day that relations between the two was strained. And so it had been since her eighteenth birthday. She was a beautiful young woman, much too beautiful to be left unmarried. Yet, every attempt that was made at finding her a suitor was met with disdain. Every attempt only hardened Y/N against her, creating a shell of protection. Ungrateful girl.

Settling beside her grandmother on the plush sofa, Y/N folded her hands elegantly in her lap and waited patiently for her grandmother to begin. "It sounded rather urgent," she prompted after a period of silence. "Should I be worried?"

"That all depends," Lady Katherine began, her gaze sweeping over the younger woman. The elegance and grace with which she held herself reminded her of the countless Grecian marble statues, personifications of timeless beauty and effortless charm. But stone cold, unresponsive.

"Depends on what?" Y/N prompted again, blinking so that her lashes brushed delicately against her cheeks.

"Despite what you may think, my dear. I am not oblivious to your actions," her grandmother continued. "Especially those that would harm this family."

"Harm the family?" Y/N asked, her brows furrowing in deep confusion. "I have done nothing save for reacquaint myself with London high society, just as you wished."

"It is the company you keep that worries me, my dear."

Y/N's lips moved as if to speak, but no sounds came out. Her eyes narrowed as she thought. "My company?" She said at last, her voice a soft whisper.

"Indeed."

"You are referring Lt. Waverly and Captain Nicholls, are you not?" Y/N asked, suspicion lighting a fire in her already defiant eyes. When she received no answer, she continued. "You have nothing to worry over, Lady grandmother. They have been the perfect gentlemen throughout our short acquaintance."

"If I might stop you there," Lady Katherine held up a hand, hushing her.

Y/N narrowed her eyes into snake-like slits and regarded her grandmother as she spoke. "Yes?"

"I fear one of your two companions is not who you may believe him to be."

"Which of the two?" Y/N asked as though dreading the answer but needing to hear it all the same.

"Your Captain."

"He is not-"

Once again, her grandmother hushed her before continuing. "You see, my darling, I knew his father's family. I knew them very well."

"And?" Y/N demanded, her voice becoming a little harsher, belaying her impatience. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"Has he told you anything of his family?"

Y/N shook her head. "Not that I recall. But then again, I never asked."

"Be glad you did not," Lady Katherine said, eyes meeting those of her granddaughter's. "For you may not have liked what you would have found."

"What is that supposed to mean? Who was his family?"

The Dowager took a deep breath before continuing. "His father's family was very wealthy and upperclass, like us. His father, however, rebelled against the family and against tradition and married into a class below him. His parents did not approve and therefore decided to cut him off completely. Leaving the family estate to his older brother."

Y/N said nothing. For what was she to say? Here she was, listening to her grandmother spout some story that was no doubt meant to horrify her.

Lady Katherine continued. "Up until two years ago, your precious Captain had been raised by his uncle on the family estate."

"What about his parents?" Y/N asked, her eyes distant. Her heart told her what her grandmother was about to tell her and it bled for him.

"They died, as did his older brother. I can imagine he would have been quite young at the time."

Y/N nodded, feeling the sharp sting of hot tears. She could not, nor did she want to, imagine what it must be like to lose one's entire family. She shuddered to think of it.

Lady Katherine watched her granddaughter as she struggled to keep her composure. The story had effected her, that much was evident, just not in the way she had been secretly hoping. "Do you understand my worries now, my girl?"

Something akin to realisation dawned in Y/N's eyes. She shot straight up from her seat. "Your worries?" She choked out, disbelievingly. "No, I do not understand them." She looked down at the older woman for a brief moment before beginning to pace. "Though I dread to hear your explanation."

"Think, my dear, of what such a friendship could do to the family. His father created quite the scandal by marrying who he did."

"And what do I care?" Y/N hissed, lashing out with her tongue. "His origins do not matter to me."

"Perhaps they should," her grandmother stated calmly.

"Why? You would have me lose one of my few friends over the account of his _blood?"_ Y/N stopped her pacing and stared down at her grandmother. "You would rather I be disgusted, wouldn't you?"

"He is a liar, Y/N. No true gentleman lies to you as he has done."

"I beg your pardon?" Y/N's tone dropped to a warning tone, her eyes turning murderous. "How dare you speak of him in such a manner."

"I speak the truth, Y/N."

The younger woman shook her head and stepped back from her grandmother. "No. What you are saying is the furthest from it. He is no liar. Did you not hear me? He did not tell me because I did not ask. How hard is that to understand?"

In truth, Lady Katherine was taken aback at how venomous Y/N sounded as she defended her friend.

"Out of all the men I have met since our arrival," Y/N continued, "_he _is the one who is the most deserving of the title Gentleman. He has behaved with nothing other that respect and the deepest consideration since I have met him. He may not be nobility, Lady grandmother," pausing, Y/N caught her breath before going on. "But he deserves it more than any of our class. He is gentle and kind, soft spoken and so very clever." Her vision distorted as hot, angry tears seared their way down her cheeks. "By insulting him, you insult me," she hissed before turning on her heels and making for the door.

"Where might you be going?"

Y/N did not turn, yet her hand trembled as it gripped the door-handle. "Think, Lady grandmother. I am sure your scheming mind is more than capable of coming up with something."

With those words, she swept from the room in a swirl of sky-blue muslin and emotions too wild to determine.


	12. What the World would have me think of You.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was no fanfare or fireworks show. Just a quiet knowing somewhere deep within my heart. It was love and she completed me. 
> 
> ~ Michael Faudet

"What exactly did you say to her?" Irene asked her mother-in-law as she stepped into the suite of sitting rooms. She was positive that she had never seen her daughter so incensed. Hers had been a silent anger, a seething fury that could only be caused by one person.

"What makes you think I said anything?"

Irene leveled an incredulous look at the older woman. "Please."

"I simply informed her of the true nature of one of her newfound companions," Lady Katherine replied, shrugging. "That is all."

"Why do I get the feeling that there is nothing at all simple about any of this?" Irene muttered, settling herself on the sofa opposite the Dowager.

"Nevertheless, I propose we depart tomorrow."

Irene sighed. "A day earlier than planned, dare I ask why?"

"I fear our Y/N has made the acquaintance of someone I would rather she had not."

"You mean to tell me that you do not approve of whoever this person is?" Irene asked, raising a brow in expectation.

"That is putting it mildly."

"Who is it?"

"That young Captain that she seems so fond of."

Irene smiled to herself. Yes, she knew exactly of whom her mother-in-law spoke. "Captain Nicholls," she murmured, remembering how she had seen the two of them together at the art gallery, heads bent towards each other, their voices soft and muffled as they discussed the art they passed. She remembered seeing her daughter's eyes glow just that little bit whenever she saw him. Her smile too, appeared different. It didn't have the hard edges of a smile made for the public, but rather, it was softer although often small. As though she was afraid that someone might see her smiling thus.

"Yes," Lady Katherine confirmed, huffing in disapproval.

"I am so pleased that she has found a friend during our time here. Someone who makes her uneasiness disappear."

The Dowager glanced at her daughter-in-law in shock. "You approve of this? Knowing as I do the history of his family."

"Tell me something," Irene began, shifting to fully face her companion. "Have you ever known Y/N to relax even a minute amount while in a city such as this? Have you ever seen her smile as she does whenever she speaks with him? Have you ever seen the way the tension leaves her the moment he enters the room? No, I cannot imagine you have."

Lady Katherine said nothing.

"She has not spoken of him to me or to her maids," Irene continued, a faraway look in her eyes.

"Have you ever stopped to think why?"

Irene shook her head, the smile never leaving her lips. "Not until today. For you see, Y/N, she has a habit that she does not employ often, but I have seen her do it only once before. When Y/N deems something precious, she holds it close, safe so that no harm may come to it. She keeps it to herself, closely guarded."

"You believe she has done this now?"

Irene nodded and sighed heavily. "I know so. While she may call him her friend or acquaintance, I believe him to be more. Even if she does not know it yet."

~ ~ ~

"I am sorry to disturb you, Sirs, but there is a young lady wishing to speak with you."

Charlie raised an eyebrow and glanced across as James who seemed equally confused. "Did she give a name?" Charlie asked.

The footman nodded. "Lady Y/N Hadleigh."

James set aside the book he had been reading, "is she alone or does she bring company?"

"She is alone, Sir."

"Send her in," Charlie replied and waited until the door closed behind the footman before he turned to his friend.

"I have said nothing," James murmured in answer to his friend's silent question. "I did not ask her to come."

"But you do not object to it?"

James shook his head. "I do not believe I ever could."

The door opened behind them as the footman preceded the young lady.

Y/N twisted her hands nervously as she stood before them, her eyes alternating between the two, though lingering for a moment longer on Captain Nicholls. "I apologise if my coming here has caused a disturbance," she said softly.

"Nonsense, my Lady," Charlie was the first to speak. "Your presence could never be a disturbance, James?"

The Captain nodded and smiled gently. "My friend speaks true, my Lady. How may we help you?"

"It is actually you I was hoping to speak with," she said in a slightly louder tone. Then, she turned to Charlie. "If you do not mind, Lt. Waverly, I know this is your family home..." She trailed off, her eyes hopeful.

"I do not mind," Charlie replied, winking. "I shall leave the two of you to discuss what you must. And please, do not hesitate to ring should you need anything."

Y/N and James nodded in understanding.

The moment the door closed behind Charlie, Y/N took a deep trembling breath. It was only then that James noticed that the confidence she had displayed earlier was a mere mask. Something was wrong.

"What is it, my Lady?" He asked gently. "Is something amiss?"

She nodded. "I suppose you could say as much." Lifting her eyes, she met his concerned blue ones. "I learned something rather interesting today. Something to do with your father's family."

James inhaled sharply. He had been meaning to tell her. She was no doubt horrified and disgusted and had merely come to end their acquaintance. A sharp, unfamiliar pain lanced through him at the thought. "From who did you learn it?" He asked softly.

"My grandmother, my father's mother," Y/N explained. "She seemed rather eager to tell me." She paused and swallowed hard. "So, it is true then? What your father did and how his family treated him?"

James nodded. "It is."

Y/N felt her lips tremble. Nodding, she turned away, not wishing for him to witness her emotions.

"If I have deceived you, my Lady, I apologise, it was not my intention."

She laughed then, a watery laugh, a short laugh. "You have nothing to apologise for, Captain." Mustering her remaining courage, she turned to face him. Her heart broke at the look in his eyes, he looked the most forlorn she had ever seen, so different to the gentle sparkle she had grown used too. "You did not lie to me."

"I did not tell you of my family."

"No," she agreed, "you did not. But I never did ask, so you were under no such obligation to do so. But if I had, in fact, asked you, I have no doubt that you would have answered with that unwavering honesty of yours that I have come to admire so."

James said nothing as she continued to speak. There was a wavering to her voice, something so unusual to her usual calm tones.

"When my grandmother told me of your family history, I knew not what to think. Only how utterly wretched it must have been for you to lose your family in such a manner. I myself cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like." Y/N paused, not daring to look his way as she felt tears begin to creep their way down her cheeks. Delicately, she wiped them away. "She called you a liar," she whispered, as though she was ashamed of what her grandmother had spoken. "But I know you to be a kind, honest man. A gentleman if ever I met one."

To see her weep before him, tore something within him. Y/N, in the short time he had come to know her, had never been shy to display her emotions. He had seen her smile, heard her laugh, but never had he seen her cry. Not as she did now. Tears did not stream down her face, no, they were carefully held back in those beautiful eyes of hers. She was focused on the carpet before them and James longed for her to look up.

"You have treated me with nothing but kindness and respect," she was saying, her voice a soft whisper as her eyes moved from the carpet to the window. "You have taught me how to breathe in a place that would suffocate me with its rules and expectations." Her bottom lip trembled, even as she moved to cover her mouth with her hand, wishing to stifle the emotions running rampant through her. Y/N bowed her head, hiding her face from him, not wishing to embarrass him with her unladylike display.

_'Oh Y/N,' _James thought to himself, _'my darling. Do not hide yourself from me.'_

"I was born into a life where I knew that certain things would be expected of me," she murmured, having lowered her hand after she had composed herself. "I have learned to accept and respect the rules of my class. However, it is in the cities that those rules become restrictions that threaten to choke the life out of me. In the cities I feel as though I am watched and judged for everything that I do, be it breathing, even walking."

_'I could never judge you, my angel. You, with all your faults and flaws, are more perfect and more worthy of admiration than the Queen herself.'_

As though she had heard his thoughts, Y/N finally met her gaze with his. "But you, Captain," she smiled up at him, her curved lips trembled at the edges. "Not once have you looked at me with judgement in your eyes. Together we have spoken of art and horses and the beauty of the countryside. You have allowed me to laugh without caring who hears me, to smile without worrying who will see me," Y/N ducked her head and bit her lip. Blinking as tears distorted her vision, she felt her breathing hitch.

James desperately wanted to say something, but his lips would not move. His heart bid him stay silent, to hear her out.

"You have made me forget where I am," Y/N continued, still looking down. "I was unhappy when I arrived and aimed to negotiate an early return to the estate," now she looked up. "But Captain, I am thankful that I did not. For had I, then- then-" she cut herself off as a choked sob threatened to spill from her. Her hand flew to her mouth and she stumbled back. "I am sorry, Captain," she gasped out, clearly attempting to calm herself. "I have clearly embarrassed you," she whispered and made to step past him. "I apologise."

As if on instinct, James reached out and gently touched her arm, drawing her attention to him. "My Lady."

But Y/N could not bring herself to look at him. His gentle tone was enough to bring on another flood. Shaking her head, she stepped away from him. "I am sorry," she murmured and swept from the room.

James did not move. He remained frozen to the spot. _Sorry?_ How many times had she apologised in the short while she had been there? "You did not embarrass me, my darling," he said softly, even though she was long gone. "You gave me hope."


	13. Dreams of Blue Silk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She lends her pen to thoughts of him that flow from it in her solitary.
> 
> For she is his poet and he is her poetry. 
> 
> ~ Lang Leav (A Dedication)

"It is best not to argue," Irene muttered to her daughter, glancing sideways at her mother-in-law.

Y/N was livid. She knew what this was, an early departure. Suspicion grew within her like poisonous weeds. Her anger tinted her vision red on the edges and prevented her from seeing clearly as she dashed upstairs to her chambers, closing the doors firmly behind her.

She did not reach the bed. Collapsing to the carpeted floor, she buried her face in her hands and let the tears flow. Tears of anger, of livid fury towards her grandmother. Tears of self-loathing as the incident from the day before came crashing back. Her breath shuddered through her body and blood rushed to her cheeks, oh what a fool she had made of herself. Without a doubt, he would not want to see her again after that display. Y/N cringed and hissed at herself, _why? _Why did she have to be so very emotional? Clawing at her hair, she curled further in on herself. She had put herself on full display, her heart and soul had been bared.

"Heavens," she gasped out, her mind's eye searching for any memory of him. "I am so very sorry." She would understand if her speech and disgraceful display of emotions made him want to avoid her. She had acted below her station to be so open. Yet, as she thought back on it, what else was she to have done?

"Please forgive me," she whimpered, her tears falling from her cheeks and onto the patterned carpet below. "Please," she pressed her hands over her heart, never before had it hurt as much as it did now. A physical pain that seemed to engulf her at the very thought of never seeing him again. "James," she breathed his name, with no title to precede it.

Y/N did not know how long she lay there, no doubt looking like a woman possessed. They were leaving London early. That very day. A knock on her door startled her back to the present. Pushing herself to stand, she smoothed her hair and swiped any remaining tears from her face. She had embarrassed herself enough. With a practiced smile, she opened the door to reveal Hannah. "Hannah, my dear."

The maid, a young woman roughly the same age as her mistress, nodded her head in greeting. "Good morning milady."

If Hannah had noticed anything amiss, she remained silent. "As you have no doubt been made aware," Y/N proceeded to explain, shocked at how calm she sounded. "We are leaving today."

"Yes, milady," Hannah replied, "we have been informed. I was sent up to assist you with preparations for the journey. I shall prepare an outfit for you and then I shall begin with the packing."

Y/N smiled distractedly. "Very good," she nodded and stepped back to allow Hannah entry.

An elegant light blue traveling dress and matching hat was picked out for her. Y/N allowed Hannah to help with the fastening of the buttons as her mind wondered, drawing a painful comparison between her dress and his eyes. They were the same shade. She found herself absently running her hands along the fabric and sighing softly. It was unlikely that she should see him again.

"Is everything alright, milady?" Hannah asked softly, seeing a single tear escape her Lady's eye. Y/N was usually so careful around the staff.

Silently accepting the handkerchief her maid passed her, Y/N nodded and smiled bravely. "I am quite alright. But thank you, Hannah. I suppose I have come to like London more than I had originally planned."

Hannah noticed, with no small amount of alarm, that Y/N's voice shook delicately as she spoke. "It is a beautiful city indeed, milady."

Y/N shot her maid a grateful smile. She was sure that the slight tremor in her voice had given her away. Yet Hannah, the angel that she was, made no mention of it.

"There," Hannah said in an approving tone. "You look fit to travel the world, milady."

Y/N laughed. "A bit far-fetched, but thank you."

"Now off you go. I am sure your mother is waiting for you."

Nodding, Y/N swept from the room and began to make her way down the stairs when her mother's voice called up from below. "Y/N darling, there you are. A letter has just arrived for you."

A letter? Y/N narrowed her eyes in thought. From whom could it possibly be? Shrugging her shoulders, she descended the stairs and approached her mother. "Who is it from?" She asked as her mother handed her the envelope. Her name and address had been neatly printed on the front. Whoever it was from had beautiful handwriting.

"A certain Captain, I believe," Irene answered, a twinkle in her eyes.

Y/N was sure she had misheard. With trembling hands, she turned the envelope over. She gasped softly as her eyes came to focus on his name. _Captain J. Nicholls._

"I shall leave you to read it in peace," Irene murmured, clearly reading the disbelief in her daughter's eyes. Silently, she climbed the stairs and retreated to her own chambers.

Y/N opened the envelope with trembling hands. She fought to steady her breathing as she unfolded the paper.

_" My Lady,_

_First, please allow me to reassure you. You said that you had embarrassed me, but in truth, you did not. In the short time that I have come to know you, dear lady, I have never known you to be shy when it comes to your emotions and feelings. You have laughed with me in a manner I believe you often do not do. You have smiled at me in ways I believe you were taught not too. _

_You called me a gentleman, my lady. And it was most gracious of you to say so, I am sure that my uncle would be proud. But, my dear lady, please answer me this, does a gentleman imagine and wonder what your hair would look like, free of all your pins and tumbling loose around your shoulders? Does a gentleman wonder how your laugh would echo in the vast beauty of the country? Does a gentleman imagine just how beautiful and wonderous you would look, astride your ebony Friesian? Hair loose and flowing in the wind? _

_I am no gentleman, my lady, for often have I imagined what it sound like to hear my name, my Christian name, pour forth from your lips. To hear you say it, only once would be enough for this poor soldier. For I have no doubt that, in your sweet voice, it would sound like a blessing. I am no gentleman, my lady, despite what you may have said. I do not have the strength to ask you to say it, I would never dare ask such a thing of you. No matter how much my poor heart longs for it. "_

Blinking through her tears, Y/N sat down on the last step and continued to read.

_" You said that I taught you to breathe in a place that would strangle you with its judgements and rules. Then, may I say, that you have taught me to see. To see beyond the drudgery that the war has made of life. You have reminded me that there is so much more to life, you have reminded me that there is a future. A future in a world at peace. _

_I came to believe that peace was a far-fetched concept. In our world, now savagely torn apart by war. But now I see just how wrong I was. Peace is no longer a mere concept for me. No, my lady. Forgive me for my forwardness, but allow to say that you, you my dear lady, have become that peace. With every word you speak, I become more convinced that this wretched war will someday end. You are my peace. "_

Y/N gasped softly through her tears, raising one hand to cover her mouth.

_" You did not embarrass me, my lady. You gave me hope. Your words and your openness inspired me to write to you now. You gave this fragile heart hope that perhaps it was not alone. That perhaps, that just maybe, you felt towards me as I do you. I have never felt towards anyone what I feel towards you. In all honesty, it scares me. Yet, at the same time, it lifts me to heights I once thought impossible to reach. _

_I know not when I shall see you again, dear lady. I can only hope and pray that I may lay eyes on you if only once more before I am to depart to fight the Germans. To see you once more would give me the strength I need to fight. _

_Forever yours,_

_Captain J. Nicholls "_

"James," she breathed, her trembling fingers dancing over his words. "My Lady," she whispered her title as she read it on the page, her tears falling and smudging the ink. He made it sound like an endearment, an affectionate term, rather than a reminder of where she stood in life. _My _Lady. _His _Lady.

Folding the letter back into the envelope, she stood. She would write to him immediately. Hurrying back to her rooms, she saw Hannah put the finishing touches to her luggage.

"Milady?" Hannah asked, alarmed at her Lady's sudden appearance. Why was she not down in the hall? The carriage that would take them to the station would be there any minute.

"Just a moment," Y/N muttered, seating herself down at her vanity, tearing open the drawers in search of paper than she knew she always kept there.

Hannah watched in confusion as her mistress began to write. Whom the letter was for, she had no idea. Nor was it her business to know.

Y/N wrote furiously, ignoring the impatient calls from below. Her pen flew across the page, forming words that she hoped he would be able read. She did not have long, yet she had so much to say.

At long last she finished the letter, signing her name at the bottom and sealing it within an envelope with his name and address scrawled across the front. In a desperate hope that the postman had not yet left, she dashed from her room and down the stairs.

Irene and the Dowager Countess stared after her as she bolted past them, heading for the front door, a letter in her hand. When she came back a few moments later, she was smiling.

"Is everything alright, my dear?" Irene asked.

Y/N nodded, smiling, while her eyes appeared to sparkle. In her hand, Irene saw an envelope. She smiled to herself, if her suspicions were correct, then she knew exactly what Y/N had just done.

The journey to the station was a short but silent one. Irene watched as her daughter looked out the carriage window as though in search of someone or something. Even when they stood beside the train, waiting to board, her eyes scanned the milling throngs.

Y/N knew it was impossible, she had only just sent the letter. But could she really be faulted for hoping?

"Come along, Y/N," Lady Katherine said, urging her granddaughter into the first-class carriage.

Stepping in after her, Y/N settle beside her mother. Leaning against the window frame, she sighed. She would hope and pray too, everyday and every night, until she saw him again.


	14. Honesty is the best Policy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know his heart, pay close attention to what angers him. 
> 
> If you want to know his mind, listen for the words that linger in his silence. 
> 
> If you want to know his soul, look at where his eyes are when you catch him smiling. 
> 
> ~ Lang Leav (To Know Him)

* * *

"Excuse me Sir?"

James looked up from the piles of papers on his desk and looked towards the door where a young military clark stood. "Yes, Peter?"

"A letter came for you Sir," the young man, Peter, explained and stepped into the Captain's office.

"Thank you, Peter," James replied, taking the offered envelope from him.

Offering a quick salute, Peter turned on his heel and swiftly left the room, securely closing the door behind him.

Curious, James looked at the envelope in his hands. The script was unfamiliar. Shrugging, he carefully opened the envelope to find that it housed yet another. Narrowing his eyes, he saw that while his name was printed on the front, it was addressed to the Waverly townhouse, not the barracks. Flipping the envelope, he inhaled sharply. There was no address, only a name.

_Lady Y/N Hadleigh._

Trembling fingers danced over her name. The script was slanted and the letters appeared to bleed together, as though written while the author was in a great hurry. With the letter opener gripped firmly, James opened the envelope and gently unfolded the letter within. The words were written in the same hurried script and was dated from the day before.

_" Captain,_

_I fear I may have to begin with an apology. By the time you read this, I will no longer be in London. My grandmother has decided to take us back home a day early. I have my suspicions, but I dare not voice them. _

_I received your letter a few moments ago when my mother passed it to me. I will admit, I was most surprised. After that rather unladylike display I was convinced that you would be determined to steer clear of me. I know I would have. But you are a gentleman, despite what my grandmother says. _

_But, there is something I feel I must tell you. It is something that I believe is best heard from me. You have been so unfailingly honest with me, so I believe that it is only right for me to return the favour. As you well know, ladies such as I are expected to marry, and marry well. I have always known this and have grown to accept it. It is part of my life, I know that. In fact, I find myself enamoured by the idea of marriage. Perhaps it is the romantic in me, who knows? What I was not so enamoured with, was the aspect that I would have no choice in the matter. That I would one day marry the man that my parents had chosen. I have always been opposed to it and have had to fend off suitors since the day I turned eighteen. If my grandmother had her way, I would have been married four years ago. _

_As I did not like this idea, I struck a bargain with my parents, albeit a reluctant one on their part. At the time, I believed I had gotten what I wanted, that there was finally a small part of my life that I had at least some control over. I believed that the bargain would benefit all those involved, my family included. I told them that I would marry, but to the man of my choice. As you can imagine, Captain, this was met with more than a few raised eyebrows. My mother took it better than I had expected. Yet, it was my father that provided the catch to my perfect dream. He had provided me with two conditions. Conditions I reluctantly agreed too. "_

James took a deep breath. She had struck a bargain to gain even the smallest amount of control over her future. A dream that came with conditions. He dreaded what they might be. Steeling himself, he continued.

_"I really should not have been surprised. I should have seen it coming. He demands that my choice be of our class. Of the nobility. He will not accept any less. The second was that I have but a year and a day to make my decision. I protested of course. That is no way long enough! At least for me, I do not know how it works with other people. _

_What, you may ask, should happen if I fail in this? That, Captain, is a reality I wish not to contemplate. For should I not find someone suitable in the time I have been given, then I will, no questions asked, marry whomever my parents choose. But answer me this, Captain, is it really too much to ask that I should desire my husband to be both my best friend and my lover? That he should be the one whom I could laugh and joke with one moment, then have soul stirring conversations with the next? I want so desperately to have what my parents do. I have done since I was old enough to understand. I wish to share my heart and soul with another, nay, I wish to give it to them. I wish to marry the man I love, not someone I barely know! Is that really so outrageous? "_

"No," James murmured to himself as his eyes skimmed over her words. "It is not."

_" I apologise for any splatter in the ink, I fear my emotions may gotten the better of me as I sat to write this. I hear my mother and grandmother calling rather impatiently from below. The carriage will be arriving soon, but I had to write this. It was only fair. Your letter was so very beautiful, I swore I heard not my own voice but yours, speaking the words to me. I shall treasure your letter, the first of what I hope will be many. You write so beautifully, mine will no doubt be a horrid comparison. _

_I shall pray for your safety, my Captain. You are a kind and gentle soul and the world would be bereft should you leave it. I pray for your continued safety and I hope with every beat of my heart that we might see each other again. _

_Be safe, _

_Lady Y/N Hadleigh "_

Indeed, there were splatters in the ink, having caused it to run. But James did not mind. He could see her as she wrote this, sitting at her desk, the morning light shining in through the window. Her hands trembling as she guided the pen over the paper, as his had done.

"It is no matter, my darling," he murmured, smiling softly. "And you write as beautifully as I knew you would." As his eyes skimmed over the letter once more, he saw a piece of writing below where she had signed her name. Upon closer inspection, he came to realise that she had informed him of where he might write too. His heart leapt within his chest. _My _Captain, she had called him. Oh, if only she knew what joy she caused with that simple phrase. Her Captain indeed.

"What have you got there?" Charlie asked, startling him.

James folded the letter and tucked it securely back into its envelope. "A letter from Lady Y/N."

"So, she got your letter then?" Charlie asked, taking off his cap and walking to the spare chair in James's office before sitting down.

"It would seem she did," James replied. "And she is no longer in the city."

This surprised Charlie. "Oh?"

"Yes," James replied, deciding to reshuffle some of the papers on his desk. "They left yesterday."

"Any reason?"

James glanced at his friend. "I believe she mentioned that her grandmother wished for them to return a day earlier."

Charlie did not miss the way James carefully tucked the letter into the breast pocket of the uniform jacket that hung from the back of his chair. He saw how James let his fingers linger just that little bit longer over the fabric that now covered it. Charlie smiled to himself, it was no simple letter, of that he was certain.


	15. Prying Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The world should place less emphasis on 'growing up' and far more on simply growing into a unique, kind and selfless human being. 
> 
> ~ Beau Taplin (Growth)

The stables were her first destination. Leaving her hat in the carriage, Y/N practically flew to the stables, eager to see her girl. Ignoring the startled and confused exclamations of her mother and grandmother, she ran, grinning from ear-to-ear.

Bursting into the stables, she made a beeline for Sapphire's stall. "Hello there, my sweet girl," she crooned, approaching the Friesian. She giggled as Sapphire playfully butted her arm. "I know, my darling, I have missed you too." Rising to her tiptoes, she planted a kiss to Sapphire's muzzle. A mischievous twinkle entered her eyes as she cast a glance around the quiet stables, the only sounds coming from the rest of the family's horses as they shifted in their stalls. It appeared that the stablemaster and his stablehands had taken a respite.

"Come on, girl," Y/N whispered, "it's now or never." Unlatching the entrance to the stall, Y/N slipped inside and vaulted onto Sapphire's bare back. The skirt of her pale blue traveling dress hiked itself up over her knees as she straddled her horse's back. Reaching up and behind her, Y/N pulled her hair free of the pins Hannah had put in to hold the style in place. Shaking out the strands, she sighed happily before twisting her hands in Sapphire's midnight mane and leaning forward to whisper in her ear. "Run, my darling. Run as fast as you can."

All it took was a gentle nudge from Y/N and then they were out. Sapphire broke into a canter the moment she was freed from her stall. The startled shouts of the returning stablemaster had Y/N laughing as they blew past him.

Lady Katherine, who was only just stepping from the carriage with the help of a footman, stared after the galloping forms of her granddaughter and her ebony mount. She shook her head in clear disapproval when she saw that Y/N's hair was loose, free from any kind of adornment and restraint. She almost fainted with shock when she caught a fleeting glance of Y/N's bare calves, exposed by her hiked skirt as she sat astride her horse.

"This is most unacceptable," she muttered to herself, thoroughly scandalised. It seemed as though Y/N was intent on inflicting a heart attack upon her with this wayward behaviour. What happened to the young lady she had been while in London?

Ahead of her, Irene was calmly making her way into the manor's entrance hall. She appeared much too calm for the Dowager's liking, did she not know what her daughter was doing? "Irene?"

The younger woman turned at the sound of her name. "Yes?"

"Are you aware of what your dear Y/N is doing at present?"

Irene nodded and smiled. "Of course I do. She no doubt went straight to the stables. I am sure she will be spending the rest of the day with Sapphire, those two are awfully close."

Lady Katherine narrowed her eyes and pressed her lips into a thin line. Irene and Richard really had afforded Y/N too much freedom. No proper young lady would ever dream of acting the way her granddaughter was doing at present. "Are you aware that she is no longer on the property? Riding that horse of hers, _bareback?" _

"She has done so on many occasions," Irene replied, smirking. Her mother-in-law was positively spewing.

"While in a dress that presents her bare legs to any and all passersby?" Lady Katherine demanded, Irene's calmness was grinding away at her nerves.

"I will admit," Irene said, one elegant eyebrow raised. "That, she has never done." She was indeed surprised by Y/N eagerness, even more so by her decision to not bother with changing into a riding outfit.

"I should certainly hope not," Lady Katherine huffed. "It is most improper."

"I am sure she will return soon," Irene said, winking before making her way to the main staircase.

"You mean to say that you will simply let her go?" Lady Katherine asked, horrified.

"There is not much I can do from here," Irene replied, shrugging her shoulders. "As you said, she is most likely beyond the boundaries of the property by now."

And indeed she was. Bent low over Sapphire's neck, Y/N rode toward the one place she had never been. Soon the sound of crashing waves on the rocky shore greeted her. "Come on, girl," she encouraged, "almost there."

While Y/N had indeed seen the ocean before, she had never truly observed it. From where she and Sapphire stood atop a cliff, she could look for miles out to sea. Relaxing her grip on Sapphire's mane, she relaxed her posture and took a deep breath of the salty ocean air. The sea breeze played gently with her hair. With her thighs gripping tightly onto Sapphire's sides, Y/N let her hands drop from the mane to hang at her sides.

Tilting her head up, she smiled. Out here, under the open sky of the country, this was where she belonged. With land behind her and the sea before her. As the early afternoon sun shone down on them, Y/N was struck with an idea.

Sapphire did not seem to mind the rough sand as she galloped through the shallows. Tiny droplets were released into the air like diamonds that sparkled as the sun hit them. Y/N laughed, the sound echoing off the cliffs and out to sea. The sea spray wet her dress, yet she could not find it within herself to care. She was likely to receive an earful the moment she returned, she knew that.

As Sapphire slowed to a walk, Y/N turned her gaze out to the endless expanse of water that stretched all the way to the horizon. Soon he would be out there, fighting the enemy. Y/N paled at the thought of James in the midst of all that horror. In truth, she did not know if she would ever see him again. "Stay safe," she whispered into the air, she knew he couldn't hear them, but saying them seemed to lift a weight off her shoulders.

The words of his letter surfaced in her memory, making her smile. "Come, Sapphire," she said, gently patting her horse's neck. "Let's go home."

Leaving the sea behind, Y/N urged Sapphire into a canter, then into a gallop. But this time, she did not bend or hunch over her horse's lean frame. No, this time she lifted her face to the sun and giggled, the sound bubbling out of her.

_"Does a gentleman wonder how your laugh would echo in the vast beauty of the country?"_

"Yes," she whispered, a wide smile curving her lips. "I hope he does." Her giggle became a laugh, full and loud and filled to the brim with joy.

The ride back to the estate was a long one. As they passed through fields and glades, Y/N heard him whisper to her, the words of his letter once again dancing on the wind that whipped through her hair.

_"Does a gentleman imagine just how beautiful and wonderous you would look, astride your ebony Friesian? Hair loose and flowing in the wind?"_

She knew that she must have made for quite a sight by the time she rode up to the stables. With her hair wind tossed and her dress stiff with salt from the ocean spray, she knew she looked far from refined.

After settling Sapphire back into her stall and feeding and watering her, she collected the hairpins she had discarded and began to make her way back to the main house. Her entrance, it seemed, did not go unnoticed. Hannah stood waiting, as patiently ever. "There you are, milady. We were all wondering where you had got off to."

Y/N smiled and wordlessly passed the hairpins to Hannah, who took them with an indulgent shake of her head. "Come, let's get you presentable before they all come down for dinner."

"Where exactly did you go?" Hannah asked a few moments later, having managed to comb the knots out of her mistress's hair. "Her ladyship was most upset."

"My mother was upset?" Y/N asked, immediately feeling guilty for her impulsiveness.

Hannah shook her head. "My apologies, milady. I was speaking of your lady grandmother."

Y/N sighed heavily. "Is she still here?"

Hannah shook her head in answer, earning a relieved smile from Y/N. "No, milady."

"Oh thank heavens," Y/N muttered. "To answer your question from before, I went to the sea. The cliffs overlooking the beach." She smiled at her maid, meeting her gaze through the mirror.

"That would explain your hair, milady. If you will pardon me for saying so."

Y/N laughed and shook her head. "I apologise for that, Hannah. Truly I am."

"It is no matter, milady. Are you glad to be back home then?" Hannah asked with a fond look in her dark eyes.

Y/N nodded. "I most certainly am."

Turning away from the mirror, Hannah retrieved something from behind her. "Your grandmother gave me this, to give to you."

Confused, Y/N turned on her vanity stool and faced her maid. "Give me what?"

"This," Hannah replied and passed her mistress an envelope.

Y/N inhaled sharply. James's letter to her before she had left London. Swallowing hard, she schooled her features. "Did she make any mention of its contents?"

Hannah shook her head. "No, milady."

Y/N should have felt relieved, yet only dread came. Her grandmother was known to poke her nose into other people's private business. "Where did she find this?"

"In the carriage, milady."

Y/N cursed inwardly. She must have dropped it in her hurry to get to the stables. "Did she give any specifications?" She dreaded the answer, she remembered having tucked it safely into her purse.

Hannah shook her head. "She did not, milady."

Y/N nodded stiffly and stood up. "I fear shall I not be joining my family for dinner tonight, Hannah, please send them my apologies."

"Milady?"

"I will be dining with my grandmother," Y/N explained. "There is a conversation between us that is a little overdue. Would you be a dear and arrange for the car to be brought to the front?"

Nodding, Hannah slipped from the room.

Y/N turned and stared at her reflection. That letter was private. Something precious and beautiful. Words meant for her, not the prying eyes of her grandmother.


	16. As Cold as Marble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never mistake her silence for weakness. Remember that sometimes the air stills, before the onset of a hurricane. 
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill (Her Silence)

Lady Katherine looked up in surprise as the doors to her sitting rooms were opened.

"Lady Y/N Hadleigh," her butler, one Mr.Owens, announced. Following his words, her granddaughter swept into the room, The young woman smiled in thanks at the butler who nodded in turn before closing the door behind her.

"This is a surprise," the Dowager said, meeting her granddaughter's gaze. "Surely your parents will mind you not dining with them tonight?"

Y/N laughed then. But it was no pleasant, humor filled sound. As the sound faded, she smiled. "That matter has already been addressed. I asked Hannah to tell them."

Hannah Osborne, Y/N's faithful maid. Lady Katherine thought to herself. The woman was close to Y/N's own age and unfailingly loyal to her mistress.

"Well then," she shifted in her seat and noticed that Y/N had not yet chosen a seat for herself. The younger woman opting to remain standing and appearing entirely at ease while doing so. "I doubt this is a leisure visit. What can I do for you, my dear?"

At last she shifted from her statue-like position and wondered over to the fireplace. She looked down into the flames, seeming to contemplate her next words. When she turned to face her grandmother however, her features were set like stone and Lady Katherine was once again reminded of the Grecian marble statues. Elegant but cold.

"There is a matter of grave importance, that I must discuss with you," Y/N said, her tone neutral.

"Oh? Do tell."

"When I returned from my ride earlier today," Y/N began, "Hannah gave me something. Imagine how shocked I was when I realised what it was."

"And what might it have been?" Lady Katherine asked, noting with a small sense of unease, just how calm Y/N appeared despite the evident gravity of the topic at hand.

"A letter," Y/N replied simply. "A private piece of correspondence between two friends."

Lady Katherine held her granddaughter's gaze. Of course she knew of what Y/N spoke. The letter had fallen from her purse as she had leapt from the carriage. She had been most surprised to see who the author was. And it horrified her, the manner in which he wrote to her granddaughter.

"Ah, I see that you know of what I speak," Y/N said, pulling the Dowager from her thoughts. There was a dangerous edge to the usually calm voice.

"And if I said I did not?" Lady Katherine challenged, smiling slightly.

"Then I would know you to be a liar," Y/N stated, as though it were the most logical solution. No smile graced her features as she regarded the older woman seated before her.

"A liar?"

Y/N nodded. "Indeed," she replied. "For I know you to have read the contents of the letter. Please, do not do me a disservice and lie."

Her silence was her answer and Y/N sighed. The look in her eyes was not one of anger, but disappointment.

"I thought higher of you," Y/N whispered, "even after you keep pushing men at me. Even after you tried so hard to control the decisions that would shape my life, I thought higher of you."

"A gentleman ought not to write to a lady as he did."

Y/N's head snapped up from where she had been looking at the fire. The fire that was now reflected in her eyes. It seemed as though her facade was cracking. "It was a private letter," she hissed, not bothering to temper her emotions any longer. "One that you, nor anyone else, had no right to read."

"So you admit to its rather scandalous nature?"

Y/N shook her head and lifted her chin. The mask back in place. "There was nothing improper to it."

"Oh really?" Lady Katherine asked, shocked. "Were you not horrified at how he imagined you? Or how it would sound like for you to say his Christian name?"

Once again, Y/N shook her head. Now, for the second time since her rather unexpected arrival, she smiled. It was a small one, but genuine. "No," she replied, her voice a breathy whisper. "I was not. I know I should have been."

"You approved of it?"

The gentleness melted from her young features when she looked to her grandmother. "There was no harm in his letter. He writes as beautifully as any gentleman."

"Even if he is not one?"

"James is more of a gentleman than all those ponces you throw my way," Y/N whispered harshly.

"James? Are we using first names after all?"

Swallowing, Y/N realised her mistake. Her cheeks flushed with colour. "Captain Nicholls is an honourable man. One who serves his country."

Lady Katherine raised an eyebrow as she regarded her granddaughter. "You care for him."

"Of course I do," Y/N replied, keeping her face strangely impassive. "He is my friend. Friends write to each other and, if need be, stand up for one another."

The Dowager narrowed her eyes as she remembered Irene's words from London. _"While she may call him her friend or acquaintance, I believe him to be more. Even if she does not know it yet."_

"All I came here for is to ask that you please respect my privacy," Y/N said, folding her hands before her and leveling her eyes with those of her grandmother. "That is all I ask."

"Y/N, my dear girl," Lady Katherine began, "people like us, well, while we are afforded many luxuries, privacy is not one of them. We are all under the scrutiny of the public eye, you know this."

It took a moment for Y/N to find the right words in order to compensate for the feeling of disbelief. "Is this your way of rationalising your actions?"

"You must get used to it, my dear. You are a beautiful and eligible young lady who remains unmarried. Every action of yours will be noticed."

"And every letter read, apparently," Y/N muttered, turning back to the fire.

"You seem unhappy."

Y/N laughed and shook her head. "Do I?" She murmured. "I wonder what gave it away?"

The silence that fell was soon interrupted by Mr.Owens entering the room. "Will you be staying for dinner, Lady Y/N?"

She shook her head and pushed herself away from the fireplace. "No, Mr.Owens, but I thank you for the offer. Would you be so kind as to fetch my coat?"

"You are leaving already?" Lady Katherine asked the moment her butler had left the room.

"Indeed I am," Y/N replied, already making her way to the door. She cast a glance over her shoulder. "I used to trust you, you know. But the moment you read that letter, that trust was shattered. And you have no one to blame but yourself for our fractured relations."

The Dowager Countess sat quietly as her granddaughter departed. Her words hung in the air long after she had left.


	17. To See Your Eyes in the Stars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her smile had stolen my heart from the stars.
> 
> ~ Atticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y/e/c = your eye colour.

"Right, good afternoon gentlemen," Jaime announced, walking into his office where both James and Charlie waited.

"Jaime," they both answered in unison, earning a strange look from the Major.

"As you both are no doubt aware, a ball is being thrown for the Officers before we depart tomorrow."

"I presume the dress uniform will be the standard of attire?" Charlie asked.

Jaime nodded and walked around the chair behind his desk. "It most certainly is."

James, for his part, kept silent throughout the conversation, his mind elsewhere. The Officer's Ball was held the night before the regiments were to leave the Capital. This custom was upheld in order to remind the Officers that before they were soldiers, they were gentlemen first. In truth, James did not mind attending, in the past the reason had remained unknown to him. Now, it had presented itself in a mere glance from a pair of soft y/e/c eyes and the curve of a smile uninhibited by society. _She _had become his reason. Up until her sudden departure, he had yet to summon up the courage to ask her for her hand in attendance.

For a brief moment he allowed himself to imagine what it might have been like had she stayed. He dared not imagine her acceptance, even though he was sure she would have given it. He smiled softly as her visage came to mind and the memory of her voice echoed in his ears, speaking the words she had written. She haunted his thoughts, barely leaving room for much else.

"James?"

The sound of his name tore him from his thoughts and back to Jaime's office. "Yes?"

"Did you hear what I just said?" Jaime asked, raising an eyebrow in an expectant manner.

"I can't say I did," James admitted, "my apologies. My mind was elsewhere."

Charlie tried and failed to hide his smirk.

Sighing and shaking his head, Jaime dismissed the pair of them, reminding them of the time that they would leave the barracks that evening.

"You were thinking of her, weren't you?" Charlie asked, grinning.

James sighed and kept walking.

"I knew it," his friend whispered behind him, causing James to roll his eyes.

The day sped by, much to James's dismay. The dress uniform hung before him, the silver accents glinting softly in the light of the setting sun. Reaching out, he ran his hands lightly across the fabric, savouring the soft texture of the material.

Divesting himself of the khaki, he slipped into the blue and white of the Captain's dress uniform. His reflection looked back at him and gave a curt nod of approval. It would be some time before he would wear this again, certainly not once they had crossed the Channel.

The Officer's Ball was to be hosted at the Savoy Hotel. James had only been there a handful of times.

The ballroom of the hotel had been transformed. Classical music rose and wove through the air, mingling easily with the chatter of the gathered crowd. Dancers swirled in pairs on the vast dance floor. Officers from all regiments of the Cavalry could easily be spotted as they stood among the crowd, mingling and dancing. It was a lively atmosphere.

Accepting a glass of champagne from a passing waiter, James decided to mingle. Every so often he would stop to speak with the odd acquaintance he had met during the years of service. Many a young lady turned her eyes his way, hoping to catch his attention and hopefully a dance.

"Who might you be looking for?" Jaime asked, head inclined inclined curiously.

"No one," James replied smoothly as his eyes danced over the crowd, never settling too long on anyone in particular.

"Jim, I have known you for far too long for you to be able to lie to me convincingly."

Before James could formulate a suitable, and perhaps a believable, response, Jaime was called away by a slightly older gentleman who appeared to know the Major quite well.

"She's not here, you do know that, don't you?" Charlie spoke up from James's elbow.

"And why would you think that I am seeking her out?" James asked in a soft, almost distracted tone.

"Explain to me then," Charlie continued, "why you have not taken a lady to the dance floor the whole evening? Why do you restrain yourself and stand by as a mere observer?"

"Can you really blame me?" James conceded, eyes still unfocused.

Charlie shrugged, "I suppose not," he murmured. "But there is no use in hoping for something that is unlikely to happen. Enjoy the night, James. Tomorrow we leave."

As if he needed the reminder. Nodding in acknowledgement, James excused himself to one of the ballroom's many stone balconies. Charlie shook his head as he watched him go.

She should have been there with him. _"Y/N," _he whispered her name to the stars. She would have fit in perfectly amongst the elegant crowd behind him. They were her people, not his, never his. Yes, he could not longer find it within himself to deny it any longer. Yes, he had been looking for her even though he knew she was gone, each new arrival he hoped it would be her. To see her smiling at him from across the crowded ballroom.

"One dance would have been enough," he murmured, setting the now empty glass on the stone railing of the balcony. More then enough to create a number of pleasant memories for him to take and keep with him.

"I miss her too," said a voice beside him, startling him. "In the short time that I knew her, she became a good friend."

Upon seeing who it was, James sighed and turned his attention to the revelers inside. "Would she have come? Had I asked her?"

Charlie nodded and folded his arms, his attention riveted where his friend was looking. "I have no doubt. No doubt at all." He glanced sideways at James and hummed thoughtfully. "The two of you would have made quite the pair," he murmured quietly, hoping James hadn't heard him.

If he had, he gave no indication. His eyes followed the swirling colours of the gowns the ladies wore. A beautiful myriad of colours and patterns. He would write to her, he decided. He would omit no detail. James only prayed that his resolve would not crumble the moment he put pen to paper.


	18. To Paint With Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prettiest eyes sparkle from the inside out.
> 
> ~ Atticus

The day was a beautiful one and yet, despite the sun shining and the clear skies, Y/N had decided to hole up in the library. Tucked into a tall wing backed chair and with a growing pile of books beside her, Y/N was more than content.

The sun was shining high in the sky, signalling midday when her relative peace was disturbed. Aside from the quiet comings and goings of the maids that brought her tea, Y/N had experienced no interruptions. Until now. A short series of knocks on the library doors prompted her to speak. "Come in," she called distractedly, her eyes wondering over the words on the page before her, her mind already within the world of the book.

"I am sorry to disturb you, milady," said one of the footmen, "but a letter arrived for you in the morning post."

Snapping her book shut, Y/N turned her attention to the young man, sure enough, on the silver tray he bore, there was the telltale shape of an envelope. Reaching up, she delicately plucked the letter from the tray. "Thank you Peter," she said, smiling at the footman, who bowed and promptly left the room.

Setting her book to balance on the chair's armrest, she looked down at the envelope in her hands. Her name and address were written in a familiar script on the front. Her breathing stuttered within her as she flipped the envelope, eager to see if her suspicions had proven correct. With trembling fingers, she traced the letters that spelled his name. Then, in manner not at all befitting her station, she opened the envelope, hungry for whichever news he wished to impart to her.

_" My Lady,_

_Your letter regarding your departure from London greatly surprised me. I know that it was not your decision, so please, do not feel the need to apologise. _

_I am most honoured, my Lady, that you should grace me with your honesty. I can imagine it would have taken a great deal of courage to confront one's parents as you have done. Not many young ladies in your position would have done such a thing, I wager. _

_Just yesterday, there was a ball hosted for all the Officers in the Cavalry. I would never dare to presume, my dear Lady, but had I requested your presence there last night, would you have come? Charlie says so, but I feel the need to hear it from you. Please do not feel guilty, my Lady, that was not my intent. I had yet to build up the courage to ask you while you were still here in London. _

_It was quite a sight to behold, my Lady, enchanting to say the least. Yet I could not find it within myself to partake in the revelry. Both Charlie and Jaime accused me of looking for someone. And how right they were. You may know her, my Lady. For her resemblance to you is quite striking. Her eyes sparkle the way yours do when you speak of what you are most passionate about. My heart forgets itself when she is present and beats so rapidly that I fear it would spring right from my chest. I shall not deny it any longer, my Lady. Yes, against all hope, I was looking for you. I kept hoping, that by some miracle, you would walk through those doors. _

_I wonder, my dear Lady, would you have danced with me? I dare not presume. One dance would have sufficed for me, to know what it is like to hold you in my arms and to hold your hand in mine. For to do so, would have completed me. Would you have trusted me, I wonder? To hold you steady as we spun across the polished marble of the ballroom? _

_Charlie asked me to enjoy the night, for we are leaving the Capital today. But how could I, my Lady? All those smiling faces and soft chattering voices looked and sounded the same to me. I have precious little patience for idle gossip and found myself imagining what we might have spoken of had you been standing beside me. They were never my people, no matter in which household I may have been raised. I have no doubt that you have attended many such events, gliding effortlessly through the sea of people, drawing envious sighs and admiring looks from all those you passed. _

_I hear Jaime calling and there will be hell to pay if I do not heed his call. We are to continue recruiting, so we will be journeying to the country with the hopes of filling our ranks. I shall think of you as we journey through the country. Your voice will whisper to me through the wind that blows through the leaves on the trees. When, at night, we are camped, I shall look up at the stars and see your eyes and your smile. _

_I hope this letter finds you well, dear Lady. I pray to God that we may meet, if only once more. _

_Forever yours,_

_Captain J. Nicholls "_

Setting the letter down, she leaned back into the chair and stared out through the window a short distance from her. Raising a hand to her mouth, she barely managed to muffle the sob that slipped passed her lips. It was all becoming a little too real now. With each day that passed, her brothers grew more and more eager to join the war effort.

Taking the letter, she stood and left the library. If any of the servants noticed the slight redness in her eyes, they said nothing, merely bowing to her as she passed them by. Once she was free of the house, she made for the stables, intent on speaking with Sapphire.

"Good afternoon, my sweet girl," she cooed, approaching Sapphire's stall. "I am so sorry for not coming this morning. I do believe I was in need of a day spent indoors."

Sapphire nickered and nudged the side of Y/N's head.

"Anyway," Y/N continued, smiling up at the Friesian. "I have something that I believe will interest you as much as it did me." In explanation, she held up the Captain's letter. "The good Captain has sent me a letter. Yes, even after that horrific display where I was sure he would never want speak with me again. I swear, my darling," she crooned, placing a soft kiss on Sapphire's muzzle, "he writes more eloquently that some of the authors I know. I do believe he paints as well with words as he does with his brushes and watercolours."

Pausing, Y/N reached into the stall and opened the gate. With a waggle of her eyebrows, she motioned for Sapphire to step through. "That's it, my girl. Come, let us go for a walk."

And walk they did. Side by side. Sapphire remained without tack as she walked beside Y/N. Together they circled the estate and wandered the grounds. Y/N's hair, loose and unstyled, danced in the slight breeze that had picked up. With the letter in one hand and her skirts slightly lifted in the other, she continued to talk.

"I honestly hope that they don't go," she was saying. Fear for her brothers seeping into her words and into her eyes. "I cannot bare to think of what dangers might befall them. It would destroy Mother and Father if they didn't come back. And it's not as if Annabelle or I could inherit the estate." She sighed sadly and paused in her walk, wrapping her arms around Sapphire's neck, standing on her tiptoes.

As though in comfort, Sapphire nuzzled her hair, eliciting a giggle from the young woman.  
  
Leaning her head against her horse, Y/N continued to walk. "He wanted to invite me to a ball," she whispered, the words barely audible. "He wanted to ask me to dance. That was, of course, before my darling grandmother decided to take us all back home a day earlier than planned," she rolled her eyes as she spoke. Turning her head slightly, she looked into one of Sapphire's eyes. "Do you think she knew? I would not put it passed her. All she does is breathe and scheme. I don't think she even eats anymore," she added with a wink.

Their walk ended once they wound up back at the stables. "I will come in the morning," she promised, patting Sapphire's neck and smiled. "Until then," the smile became a grin, "do try and stay out of trouble."

With the letter in hand, she headed back to the library. The sun was hanging low in the sky, painting the blue expanse in stunning shades of orange.

"Have you seriously been in here all day?" Andrew asked, seeing his sister seated comfortably, surrounded by books.

Y/N nodded absentmindedly and continued to read, or at least, tried too. Her mind, if she was being honest, was elsewhere. In truth, she barely heard what her brother had said.

"You're not listening to me, are you?"

Blinking, she looked to him where he stood a short distance away. "Pardon?"

"Nevermind," Andrew muttered, shaking his head. "It is almost time for dinner. You had better hurry and get dressed."

"Why?" She asked, finally putting her book to the side. "Is anyone special coming?"

Andrew shot his sister a strange look. "No. It's only us."

"I will be along in just a moment," Y/N assured him and smiled. The moment the library door closed, she sighed and leaned back into the chair. She did not feel like going to dinner, even if no one special was in attendance. No, she decided. She _would _attend dinner, but only for a short while. She was feeling strangely distracted, as though her mind was in a completely different place than her body.

Dinner, it turned out, was a quiet affair, something Y/N was grateful for. It allowed her time with her thoughts, without the need to contribute to conversation.

Irene noticed it first. Tapping on Richard's arm to gain his attention, she gestured subtly to where Y/N sat, her eyes a little unfocused. The cutlery moved with a practiced air from her plate to her mouth and balanced delicately in her hands. "What do you think has gotten into her?" Irene asked in a whisper, "I do not believe I have ever seen her so distant."

Richard sighed and patted her hand. "You know how she likes to daydream. Heaven knows she's done it more than once," he said with a chuckle.

"This is different," Irene insisted, worry etching fine lines on her face. "She looks like she's miles away."

"Who knows," Richard replied, glancing at his eldest daughter. "Perhaps she is."


	19. All the World's a Stage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are made of all those who have built and broken us. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

"To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, Mamma?"

At her father's question, Y/N fought the rising urge to leave the room. The last place she wanted to be was in the same room as that scheming woman. Her sincere love for her father was the only thing that kept her in the room and rooted to her seat.

Lady Katherine swept into the room with a wide smile, an expression that made Y/N's skin crawl. "I bear most exciting news, my dears."

Biting her lip to remain silent, Y/N braced herself for this supposed good news.

"What is it, Grandmama?" Annabelle asked, her eyes bright.

"The ballet, my dears," the Dowager explained, much to the excitement of Annabelle, who gasped.

"What about the ballet?" Y/N finally broke her silence, her tone clipped yet polite. Her curiosity got the better of her.

Lady Katherine looked to her granddaughter in surprise, she had not realised her to be in the room. "We have all been invited to attend the opening performance of Swan Lake by the Royal Ballet."

Y/N narrowed her eyes, yet before she could demand who had invited them, her father stepped in. "That is a most gracious offer. May I inquire as to whom it is from?"

"Certainly," Lady Katherine replied, "one Lord Anthony Huntington. He has expressed his interest in meeting our Y/N."

And there it was. "Of course he did," Y/N muttered, turning her attention to the grounds beyond the window she sat beside.

"This a great honour," Lady Katherine said to her, not missing her icy demeanour.

"Naturally," Y/N shot back, standing up and turning to face the older woman. "But one I shall not be indulging in. Please express my gratitude to his Lordship and my deepest regrets at being unable to attend." With those words, she left the room, leaving her father and siblings staring after her.

Hasty footsteps followed her out to the entrance hall. "Where do you think you are going, young lady?" A tight grip on her shoulder accompanied the words.

Rolling her eyes, Y/N spun around to face her pursuer. A poisonous smile stretched her lips. "Did you really think I would not see this for what it really is? Did you really believe that I would forget what you've done?" The words came out in a harsh whisper, there was no need for the whole household to bare witness. Brushing off her grandmother's hand, she leveled her gaze with the Dowager's. "I have had enough of your schemes to marry me off. You are not my mother or my father, you have no say in this matter. I know, as do you, who that man is. He is a lecher and an obnoxious self-absorbed excuse for a human being."

Lady Katherine stared at her in shock. "How dare you speak of him in such a manner? I expected better of you Y/N."

"Yes? Well, so did I from you," she sneered, her features contorting. "But we both know how that turned out. He is far from honourable or a gentleman, so do not try and tell me that he is."

"He is a peer of the realm," Lady Katherine hissed, incensed by her granddaughter's behaviour. "A most suitable match for a lady such as yourself."

"I would much rather become a spinster than marry one such as he," Y/N replied. "I will not marry someone who believes himself to be God's gift to humanity."

Before the Dowager had a chance to fire back a reply, the pair were interrupted by Peter the footman. "I am sorry to disturb you, milady," he said, bowing to Y/N. "But a letter has arrived for you."

Relief washed through her as she smiled in thanks and took the letter. "Thank you, Peter."

As the footman departed, so did Y/N, pointedly ignoring her grandmother and smiling widely upon seeing who the sender was. _Lady Amelia Addington. _

~ ~ ~

"You look absolutely stunning, my dear," Irene complemented her daughter as she descended the stairs to meet the family before they were to depart for the theatre.

"Thank you mother," Y/N replied, smiling warmly. She noted, with some satisfaction, that her grandmother was not present. She said she would meet them at the venue along with Lord Huntington.

The carriage ride to the theatre was a mercifully short one. Stepping out, Y/N at once spotted her aunt and maternal grandparents who beamed at her. Brushing passed her grandmother and the man that stood beside her, she approached her mother's family. "I must thank you all for that most generous invitation. It was so kind of you to think of me."

"Nonsense, my dear girl," her grandfather replied, embracing her. "It is always a joy to have you with us. Amelia here, made a mention of how much you enjoyed the arts."

A quick glance to her aunt, earned her a wink from the aforementioned woman.

Linking her arm with her aunt's offered one, she followed them into the grand theatre, feeling the Dowager's glare branding the back of her head.

"Is that her?" The man beside the Countess murmured, eyes following the retreating young woman.

Lady Katherine nodded. "Yes. It most certainly is."

"She is even more beautiful than you led me to believe."

"Do not be fooled by her looks, Anthony," Lady Katherine replied in a low voice, not wishing for her son or his family to hear her. "She has quite the venomous tongue."

"Then I shall take pleasure in curbing it," he said, a thin smile curving his lips into a leer.

"Take care, Anthony, even now, you have a rival for her affections."

"Whoever he may be," the Lord replied, "she will soon come to realise that I am a much better match for her."

"It will take no small amount of persuading," Lady Katherine muttered, "she is already quite taken with him, even if she does not yet realise it."

"Who is it?" Anthony asked, possessively curious. "Who dares lay claim to her when one such as I wishes for her hand?"

"A mere Captain," Lady Katherine reassured him. "A soldier from a disgraced family. One James Nicholls."

"A soldier, you say?" Lord Anthony hummed, "she will soon see that he holds not a candle to a Lord such as I."

"I wish you every luck with that, my Lord. She is his staunchest defender. So be mindful of what you say. She will not hesitate to speak her mind."

Offering the Dowager his arm, Lord Anthony escorted her into the theatre, following close behind her son and his family.

Y/N was enchanted from the moment the curtain rose and the music started to play. It had felt as though an age had passed since she had been to the theatre. Her attention remained riveted to the stage, her eyes following the elegant movement of the dancers.

Amelia watched her niece with a small smile. Yes, she knew inviting her would be a good idea, the young woman had an eye for the finer things in life. Turning to her parents, she saw they shared the sentiment.

In the box across the theatre sat Lady Katherine and Lord Huntington. Richard and Irene, along with the boys and little Annabelle were in the box beside hers. It was not the flawless performance that held the Dowager Countess's attention. No. It was rather, on a young woman who sat utterly mesmerized by what was happening on the stage below.

"She seems quite taken with the performance," Lord Anthony whispered to her, his eyes too were directed at Y/N, who was now leaning forward, her expression clearly showing her empathy for the characters in the story.

"Indeed," Lady Katherine replied in a whisper. "I apologise for her rudeness, my Lord. I will make certain that you will have a chance to meet her after the curtain falls."

Y/N could easily have sat through more. It was the most beautiful performance she had ever seen. As the curtain fell and the sound of applause rang loud in her ears, her own adding to the mix, her eyes swept over the crowd. It was certainly well attended. She opened her mouth, intending to remark on such, when her eye caught the tell-tale military uniform.

_'James,'_ she thought. She both hoped and dreaded to see him. She had no doubt that he would speak as well as he wrote, whereas she, well, she dared not think of it. He had not given a date of his departure from England. She was certain that he would have enjoyed such a performance and she decided then and there that she would write to him and tell him all about it.

It was a light tap on her shoulder that broke her from her reverie and back to the present. Her aunt grinned at her, clearly enjoyed the look of brief startlement. "I take it you enjoyed it?" She asked.

Y/N nodded eagerly. "I most certainly did. It was so very beautiful and so masterfully done."

Her grandparents readily agreed and began to exit the box. Her aunt motioned for her to follow, falling into step beside her. "I am so glad you decided to come tonight."

"I agree," Y/N replied, sighing happily. "It was such a beautiful experience."

"Who were you looking for just now?" Lady Amelia asked, inclining her head to the side as she regarded her niece.

"No one," Y/N whispered as her heart clenched painfully in her chest.

"If you insist," her aunt said kindly, earning a grateful smile from the younger woman. "Come, let us fetch our coats. It is chilly out."


	20. The County Devon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He had those kind eyes that shone with the light of 'everything will be ok.'
> 
> ~ Atticus

_\- 1 month and two weeks later -_

"Do you honestly intend to go through with it?" Y/N asked Robert as they climbed the stairs.

"You know that I do," her older brother replied. "The same with Thomas and Andrew. They are of suitable age now."

Y/N grimaced. Yes indeed, the twins had celebrated their nineteenth birthday not two days ago. "And how would you know what the suitable age is?" She asked, sounding perhaps a little harsher than she had intended.

Robert raised an eyebrow at his sister's words. "How could I not know? Father knew and said that it would be unlikely to change."

"So he approves of you going then?" She whispered, looking down at the carpeted floor of the hallway. "All three of you?"

"He was surprised at first," Robert replied, "but he soon caught onto the meaning behind my question."

Y/N simply nodded and blinked rapidly as tears began to form on her lashes. Taking a breath, it stuttered within her.

Robert looked at his sister as she stood silent beside him. It was no secret that she detested the idea of them enlisting at the next opportunity. The siblings were all rather close and Robert didn't bother denying that the prospect of leaving filled him with equal parts dread and excitement. He knew that Y/N's fears were well founded and had sound reasoning. If anything were to happen to him or to Thomas and Andrew, or indeed all three, the family estate would be left without heirs. Y/N and Annabelle would never be able to inherit or succeed as heirs.

"Have you told Mother?" Y/N murmured, still not looking at her brother.

"She took it about as well as you," was his reply.

Finally looking to him, Y/N sighed and smiled sadly. "And since not even our mother is enough to stop you from flinging yourselves headfirst into danger, nothing I say will make any difference will it?"

Robert shook his head and returned her smile. "I am afraid not, dear sister."

Y/N felt her lips begin to tremble. "What if you don't come back?"

Robert met his sister's gaze. The eyes that met his were filled to the brim with barely restrained tears. The voice that spoke to him sounded alien, it sounded much too small and afraid to belong to his sister. It sounded much too vulnerable. Not knowing what else to do, he reached for her and pulled her close. Her arms came around to reciprocate the embrace. He could not find the right words, not when her words rung loud and clear with a horrible truth.

In his arms, he felt Y/N tremble and realised with a sinking feeling that she was weeping. Her face was pressed to his shoulder, her tearful eyes hidden from him.

The next morning had Annabelle running pell-mell down the stairs, calling for her older sister. "Y/N? Y/N! Where are you?"

The young woman in question emerged from the library. "I'm right here, Annabelle," she replied, laughing as her younger sister skidded to halt before her. "Now, what has you yelling the house down this early?"

After pausing to catch her breath, Annabelle continued, all smiles. "There is a fair in the village today and Mama says that there will be horses there, and that I can finally pick one of my own."

Her news had Y/N grinning for ear to ear. She loved the village fairs and it delighted her that Annabelle was finally getting a horse of her own. "That is wonderful news. Here, how about you run along and get ready and I shall meet you by the stables?"

Nodding eagerly, Annabelle ran off, Y/N smiling as she watched her. Letting out a contented sigh, she too made her way to her chamber.

It wasn't long before Annabelle appeared at the stable doors, seeing her sister saddling the towering black Friesian, the young girl ran over. "I'm ready," she announced, bouncing with excitement. "Can we go now?"

Y/N nodded. Ensuring the saddle and tack was secure and comfortable for Sapphire, Y/N mounted up. Reaching down, she took Annabelle's outstretched hand and helped her up, settling her on the saddle before her.

Before long, they were off. It was a beautiful day, clear skies with not a cloud to be seen.

"So," Y/N said, as they left the estate behind, "have you thought of a name for your horse?"

Annabelle appeared to think for a moment before answering. "I was thinking maybe Elska."

"Elska," Y/N repeated softly, liking the way the name sounded. She smiled as she realised what the name meant. "To love."

Annabelle nodded, "and I just know I'm going to love her."

Y/N couldn't help herself, "what if it is a boy horse?"

Annabelle was silent for a moment before finally speaking again. "Then I shall call him Torren."

Her sister nodded as she thought on the name. Annabelle had certainly put some thought into this. Intending to say as much, Y/N was quickly interrupted by the sound of running feet behind them. Reining Sapphire in, she looked over her shoulder and was surprised to see Albert running as fast as he could. "Albert?" She called, confused, if he was off to the fair, where was Joey?

"Oh, milady," he gasped out, skidding to a halt beside them.

"Albert, what is it? What is the matter? Where is Joey?"

"Its father," Albert explained, looking to be on the verge of tears.

"What's your father?" Y/N asked, in desperate need of clarification. "What's happened Albert?"

"He's going to sell Joey!" Albert exclaimed, drawing a horrified gasp from Annabelle.

"Who to?" Y/N asked, trying valiantly to keep the panic from her voice.

"The army," Albert replied, bouncing on his feet, clearly eager to continue on his way.

Reaching down with one hand and holding the reins with the other, she extended her hand to Albert. "Up you come."

"Milady?"

"It'll be faster on horseback," Y/N explained, "come on. We were headed to the village anyway."

Albert needed no further encouragement. Taking hold of her hand, he vaulted up behind her.

"Put your arms around my waist," Y/N instructed him, much to his shock. "I can't have you falling off now can I?" When Albert hesitated, she sighed and reached behind her, looping his arms around her. "Now hold on tight, Sapphire has some speed on her."

Albert barely had time to register just how improper this whole situation was. Nevertheless, he held on as she spurred her horse into a gallop.

The landscape flew passed them as Sapphire carried the three of them to the village. Albert was most surprised at the speed she managed to maintain considering she was carrying three people.

The village soon came into view and Y/N tightened her grip on the reins. She said nothing as they galloped towards the cluster of buildings. The clatter of Sapphire's hooves on the stone bridge caught the crowd's attention. The crowd who moved out of the way the moment they heard the hoofbeats.

With Albert's arms tight around her and Annabelle clinging to Sapphire's mane, Y/N rode through the village, the square being her destination.

"Take my word for it, he's the finest horse in the parish." Ted Narracott assured him as he inspected Joey. "Goes like a racer. Strong, decent and very fine."

James hummed in reply as he circled the horse. This one was the most promising, out of all the ones he'd seen so far. "And how much are you charging Sir?" He asked, mildly curious. This was a very fine animal after all. "For this strong, decent and very fine animal?"

"Forty," came Ted Narracott's answer, ready as though rehearsed.

"I shall give you twenty," James replied, circling the horse. "And not a penny more."

"Twenty is no good to me, Captain," Mr. Narracott replied. "Twenty-five, and he's yours."

James paused for a moment, something bothering him. "I don't even know how he rides," he replied, leaving Joey and approaching the farmer.

"He rides..." Mr. Narracott paused a moment before continuing, "splendidly. You'll be astonished, I promise you that." He finally lifted his eyes to the Captain's. "Finest horse in all of Devon. Finest horse I've ever seen."

Devon. James paused at the name.

_"And where is home for you, my Lady?"_

_"The County Devon, Captain."_

For a brief moment, he wondered if her family's estate was nearby. Shaking himself, he brought himself back to the matter at hand.

"Almost there," Y/N murmured. All around them military personnel had gathered to assist and encourage with the enlistment. Forcing herself to focus, she continued to direct Sapphire to the village centre.

Perhaps it was the pounding of an approaching horse that alerted James, or perhaps it was Albert's anguished cry of denial. Regardless, James looked towards the sound. An ebony black horse raced towards them. Only halting when a young man leapt from its back. Then, it reared back, two strong front legs pawing at the air.

"Whoa there, girl. Easy."

He would know that voice anywhere. Sure enough, seated on the horse's back, her hair pulled into a braid, her hands clenched around the reins, was Lady Y/N Hadleigh. A young girl sat on the saddle before her, one that bore a slight resemblence to her. Her hands tightly wound in the midnight mane of her sister's mount. Sapphire, if he remembered correctly.

He watched, spellbound, as she calmed the horse, her voice dropping to soft reassurances and calming whispers. One hand let go of the reins and gently stroked the side of the horse's neck. "Easy, now. That's my girl. Shhh."

It was Albert's words to his father that broke the moment and pulled his attention away from her. "You can't," the words were softly spoken, like a plea. "You can't, he's mine." Tears burned and distorted his vision. "I trained him."

"Albert-"

Albert's attention however, was turned to the Captain. "You can't have him, he's my horse Sir."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that," James explained, "I just paid thirty guineas for him."

"Captain?" A soft female voice broke into the conversation. "Captain Nicholls?"

Turning, James saw that she had dismounted the horse, the young girl standing beside her. "Lady Y/N," he greeted her.

"You know each other?" Albert asked, surprised by the turn of events.

Y/N nodded. Her eyes never leaving his. He was just as she remembered and she smiled, inclining her head, a fond look in her eyes. "Indeed we do. We met in London." She was pleased at how steady her voice sounded. She had not seen him since that horrid display at the Waverly townhouse. Since then, she had only heard his voice in the letters she received.

"An age has passed since then," James replied, returning her smile with a gentle one of his own. Oh, how often he had prayed to hear her voice once more. She had grown even more beautiful in their time apart. She had looked positively wonderous upon her Friesian as it reared up, the image branded into his mind.

"Come now, Captain," she murmured, a light blush painting her cheeks as she looked down, avoiding his gaze.

It was Albert, as he rushed to stand beside Joey, that shattered the brief moment and drew their attention to him. His being solely on James. "He won't obey anyone else," he explained, standing close to the horse and wrapping a loose arm around him. "He won't be any good in the war neither."

Y/N felt her heart break at the clear desperation in Albert's voice. "He shies at every sound."

She bit her lip, gaze flicking between her friend and the Captain.

"I'm sorry," James said, meaning every word. He hated to part the two, the bond startlingly clear.

There was a pause before Albert spoke again, sounding determined. "Well," he said, lifting his chin. "If Joey's going, I'm going too. I'm volunteering."

Before James could say a word in reply, she stepped forward. "Albert, no. Please." Then, just as quickly, she turned her attention to James. "Take my horse, Captain," she said, surprising all those around her, including the stable master who stood beside James. He had been eyeing the Friesian the moment she arrived. "Take her in place of Joey."

James looked at her in disbelief. In admiration too. It was clear that she cared for Albert and for Joey too. She pleaded with him with her eyes. Begging him to take her up on her offer. But he couldn't. "I am sorry, my Lady. But I cannot do that."

"Why?" She asked, confused. "She's young and strong, fast and capable." Even as she spoke, she glanced briefly at the ebony mare, the love for the animal as clear as day.

"I have no doubt of that," he reassured her. "But I cannot take her from you." His eyes were sad as they met hers. He desperately wished for her to understand.

"If it is a question of money," she tried again. "Then do not think of it, you can take her for nothing." Her words, though determined, were spoken in a voice that told him more than her words did. She was scared. Terrified.

"I cannot take her, my Lady, because she is female," James proceeded to explain. "I cannot take her because all the other horses are male."

A soft "oh" blew passed her lips. James prayed that she understood.

So, he turned back to Albert. "I see, well I needn't ask your name then. But, how old are you lad?"

"Nineteen, Sir," he replied, just that little bit too quickly.

Suspicious, James raised an eyebrow, "is that the truth?"

Albert shook his head, but still as resolute as ever. "No Sir. But I'm bigger than most nineteen year olds. And I'm strong Sir, I'm not afraid of anything."

"I do not doubt your qualifications Albert," James replied kindly, "but the law is very clear about the proper age for soldiering. Now, your father's done what he had to do, you know that. Thirty guineas isn't nearly enough to purchase a horse as fine as your Joey, I know that. But it's all I've got."

Still in denial, Albert shook his head, pulling Joey a fraction closer.

"Will you lease him to be, Albert?" James asked, "to be my own mount?"

Y/N felt tears prick her eyes. Was it not enough that her brothers were signing up? James's words brought everything into shocking clarity.

She bit her lip as James reached up and took off his Captains hat, revealing his golden hair to late morning sun. "I promise you, man-to-man, that I'll look after him," he vowed and Y/N swore that she heard his voice tremble. "As closely as you've done. I'll respect him, and all the care you've taken with him."

This was becoming all too real for her. She then realised, with heart shattering clarity, that she did not want him to go.

"And if I can," he continued, drawing her tear-filled eyes back to the present. "I'll return him to your care."

She felt her lips tremble and fought to stay in control. It would not do for her to be emotional is such a public setting. "Come, Annabelle." She whispered. "Let us go and find you a horse."

But Annabelle would not be moved. "Where is Joey going?" She asked, terrified and sad. "Where are they taking him?"

"He is going somewhere very dangerous," Y/N replied, her voice betraying her emotions. "He is going to help keep our home safe."

Annabelle's tears threatened to cause her own to fall. With a great struggle, she held them back. She needed to be strong for Annabelle.

"Is he coming back?"

Briefly closing her eyes, Y/N bit her lip before once again looking down at her sister. Kneeling down before her, she took her smaller hands in hers. "Let us hope so. We will pray that he does. After all," she turned and met his eyes for one brief moment, "he is in very good hands. Captain Nicholls will look after him." Her words were spoken as a whisper, as though she were reassuring herself rather than her sister. "They will look after each other."

Sniffling, Annabelle nodded.

Standing once more, Y/N turned back to James. "It was good to see you again, Captain."

"And you, my Lady," he replied.

"How long before you depart?" She asked before she could stop herself.

"Two days, my Lady."

She nodded, as though in understanding. "I see," she whispered, desperately trying to remain in control of her emotions. Two days was nothing!

Her pain became his. No matter how hard she tried to hide it. He could see she wanted to say more, but was in an apparent struggle to find the right words. Her jaw was clenched tight. He did not wish to be parted from her, not so soon after seeing her again. Then again, this had been an unexpected blessing. "I knew it," he whispered, his heart in his eyes as he gazed at her. "You looked so beautiful upon your Friesian."

Her eyes snapped to his. Her own heart was beating wildly in her chest. "Captain?" She whispered, her barely restrained emotions clear in her eyes. "Please don't go," she said suddenly, surprising them both.

"My Lady?"

It was one lone tear that broke her resolve. She felt it leave her eye and trace a burning trail down her face, cracking the mask she wore. "Don't go," she repeated, her voice much softer and a lot less steady.

"You know that I must, my Lady," he replied, in much the same tone. How he hated to see her in pain.

"My Lady," she said softly, repeating his words. She smiled then. It was a smile that broke his heart. "Your Lady," she murmured, eyes closing briefly before opening again. The look she graced him with stole the breath from his lungs. It was heartbreakingly tender and said all the things her lips could not. "Stay safe," she said, in a slightly louder voice, but no less stronger. "Promise me, you will."

"I promise," James replied. Taking one of her hands in his, he raised it to his lips and gently, reverently kissed her knuckles. When he made to let go, she held on. Her fingers curled around his and laced them together. "May I continue writing to you?"

Y/N nodded. "Please do," she answered, voice slightly stronger. "Please do."

The car that had brought him honked its horn, reminding James all too clearly of his departure. As though in fear, her grip on his hand tightened. "Come back to me," she whispered, not wanting anyone else to hear.

James nodded. "I will, my Lady. I will." Giving her hand one last gentle squeeze, he reluctantly let go. His eyes did not leave her, even as the motorcar bore him from the village and towards the barracks. Only when the village was out of sight, did he direct his gaze forward. Looking down at his hands, he recalled the sensation of holding hers. How tightly she had gripped them, as though to a lifeline in a stormy sea.


	21. Testing the Cavalry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's the exclamation mark in the happiest sentence that I could ever possibly write.
> 
> ~ Michael Faudet

Y/N did the only thing she could. She went riding. She left straight after breakfast and did not bother to change. Heading straight for the stables, she smiled upon seeing Sapphire, who nickered happily in greeting.

"Good morning, my darling. How about a nice morning ride?"

Stopping briefly to kiss her muzzle, Y/N went to fetch the saddle and tack.

Strapping on the saddle and adjusting the bit, Y/N leapt into the saddle and settled herself and took a deep, calming breath. She needed this, a brief time away. She would be the first to admit and declare her love for her family, but now, she needed some time alone.

The moment they were free of the stables, Y/N urged Sapphire into a canter, then as they passed the boundary line of the property, the canter became a gallop.

Y/N had not the slightest idea of where she was going. She simply let Sapphire run. The wind whipped through the few strands that had slipped free of the plait her hair was in. As they crossed an open field, she threw her head back and laughed. She laughed for the sheer joy of it and the happiness that laughter always brought.

Bending low as Sapphire jumped over a stream, Y/N began to take stock of her surrounds. They had just left a series of fields behind, the stream had separated them from the small wood that they now rode through.

Branches whipped by, stinging her bare forearms and lashing occasionally at her face. It wasn't long before they broke free and were back out under the open sky. Looking around, Y/N swore that there was a building in the distance.

"Is it just me," she murmured, loud enough for Sapphire to hear, "or is that the shape of a building just past the small hill?"

Sapphire's response was to slow down as they reached the crest of the hill.

Y/N was confused. "What is the matter, gorgeous? Why are we stopping here?"

Sapphire nickered in response, as though to say, "just you wait and see."

Sighing in resignation, Y/N settled down in the saddle. When she wanted to be, Sapphire was awfully stubborn and would not move an inch until she deemed it to be the right time.

A low cloud of mist hung before the hill, covering a small portion of the large field. Movement from within the cloud caught her attention. Beneath her, Sapphire twitched, as though sensing her mistress's curiosity.

Before long, the dull thunder of horse's hooves could be heard. Then, out from the morning mist, an entire regiment of Cavalry men came charging.

"Easy, darling," Y/N soothed as Sapphire began to paw at the ground, her whinnies cutting through the morning air. "I am sure they are simply practicing..." her words trailed off as she caught sight of the white and blue uniforms.

They never came close to the hill. From her vantage point, Y/N could make out a blue ring that they appeared to be aiming for. There were two men in the lead, horses pressed close to each other.

Unconsciously, she held her breath, waiting to see who would make it.

The moment his sword passed through the ring and he scooped it up, the distant sound of a horse neighing cut through the morning air. Pulling Joey to a halt, James looked around. Beside him, Topthorn looked quite calm, heavy breathing aside.

"Did you hear that?" James asked.

Jaime nodded.

"Where did it come from I wonder?" James murmured, gently patting Joey on the neck.

"I know the answer to that one," Charlie piped up, sidling up to the pair.

"Oh?" James cocked a brow, while Jaime looked on skeptically.

"Up there," Charlie replied, nodding to the hill a short distance away.

Looking to where his friend was indicating, James saw the distinct shape of a black horse rearing up, front legs pawing the air. It's rider, well experienced from the looks of it, seemed to be urging the animal to calm down.

"Sapphire, darling, its alright," Y/N spoke firmly but gently, unaware of her audience below. She pulled gently on the reins. "It's okay, my sweet girl. Come now." She smiled and sighed in relief when Sapphire finally stood on all fours again. "There we go," she praised. Reaching forward she stroked her neck and smoothed her mane. She kept murmuring reassurances as her eyes began to wander.

She froze as her eyes landed on the small group that stood a short distance from the hill. Mortified that her momentary lack of control had been witnessed, she felt the blood rush to her cheeks. "Come, Sapphire," she made to direct the Friesian in the direction they had come. "I believe we have overstayed our welcome."

Sapphire, however, had decided that their stay would be extended. She planted all four of her hooves on the ground and would not be moved. Above her, her mistress groaned. "Really? Today? Now of all times?" She sounded nervous.

Y/N bit her lip and began to squirm in the saddle as three of the men broke from the group and began to head her way. Her mortification grew as their faces became more familiar. "That's it, we are leaving," she muttered, her voice holding an undercurrent of pleading.

By some miracle, Sapphire's sudden bout of stubbornness melted like the snow in spring. Unfortunately, it came as the trio were less than ten feet away.

Without a glance backwards, Y/N urged Sapphire straight into a gallop.

"Lady Y/N?"

She groaned as her name floated to her on the warm air and was spoken in an all-too familiar voice. Shaking her head, she braved one glance over her shoulder. "No," she called back and couldn't help the small smile that slipped out.

Soon she heard the sounds of pursuit. Only one horse, by the sounds of it. Chancing a look behind her, her heart stuttered in her chest. She had never seen him ride before. The sight of him astride a galloping Joey was too much for her poor heart to take. He looked truly magnificent and so utterly elegant. Their eyes met for a brief moment before she whipped her head back 'round.

"Good luck outrunning a Friesian, Captain," she called back, grinning.

Then, he was beside her, with Joey head-to-head with Sapphire. He looked resplendent in his blue and white Captains uniform. "Is that a challenge, my Lady?"

"Only if you take it as one," she replied, "Captain."

As she had watched him before, so did he watch her now. With her hands gripping the reins in a firm grip, her control was clear. Her hair, though in a braid, danced in the wind created by their passage. The smile she wore was not unlike the ones she had worn in London. Warm and full of life. This was where she belonged, he could see that as clear as day. Every inch a Lady, she rode as though she did not have a care in the world. Horse and rider moved seamlessly as one.

The improvised finish line came when a line of trees emerged. "There," Y/N announced, "to those trees."

Nodding in agreement, James urged Joey forward. "Come on, Joey, I know you've got it. Come on boy."

Y/N found herself smiling. The way he spoke to Joey was how she had heard Albert speak to him.

The trees grew nearer and both horses were equally matched. Neither was ahead of the other.

"Come on, my darling," Y/N encouraged Sapphire. "Almost there."

A hair's breadth from the treeline, Sapphire stretched her neck just that _little _bit further out, thus crossing the line first. A relieved laugh bubbled out of Y/N, who reined the exhausted Friesian to a halt.

"It seems your words ring true, my Lady."

Turning, she came face-to-face with Captain Nicholls. She smiled and nodded. "I hate to say this, but I did tell you."

"Aye," he replied, returning the smile. "That you did, my Lady."

A moment of silence passed before he spoke again. "What were you doing so close to the barracks, my Lady? It is no place for a woman such as yourself."

Y/N sighed in defeat. "I fear my answer might sound inadequate, Captain," she replied.

"I can't know that, if you do not tell me."

"Very well," she answered. "Sapphire brought me there. I let her run with no direction in mind."

James looked at her as though he did not believe a single word she had just spoken. Yet the words he said spoke to the contrary and to her great relief. "Horses are unusual creatures. Terribly clever too."

Y/N smiled and nodded. "Yes, that they are." James did not miss the fond look in her eyes as she looked down at her mount. Following a short pause in speech, she met his gaze with a mischievous look in her eyes. "Since I am the victor, whatever shall I claim for my prize?" Her words were softly spoken.

James immediately knew what _he_ would ask for, but shook himself at the very thought. She was not some country girl, she was a Lady for heaven's sake.

"May I choose?" She asked softly, her captivating eyes holding his captive.

He nodded, not trusting the right words to come out.

In a heartbeat, she had moved Sapphire to stand beside Joey. Hesitantly, she let go of the reigns with one hand and then she did the only thing she could. She closed the chasm between them and kissed him. In that moment, the world shuddered and cracked wide open.


	22. Time is not on our side...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She burrowed her face in the wool of me, 'I missed you,' she said 'long before I ever knew you.'
> 
> ~ Atticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: any words spoken that come from the movie belong to the original creators, not to me.

"What have you got there?"

Looking up, James nodded to Jaime in greeting. "A letter for the boy who had owned Joey before me." He glanced briefly down at the sketch he was currently working on; a stunning profile of the chestnut. "And a sketch to let him see just how well he's doing."

Jaime paused a moment, pouring himself a drink while doing so. It was after taking a sip that he finally spoke. "Before we take him over the Channel to face the Germans, you mean?"

Sighing, James set his pencil down. His gaze traveled to the sketch of Joey. "Yes," he agreed reluctantly. "That."

A heavy silence settled between them. A silence broken only when Jaime set his glass down. "Four am start tomorrow," he said in a grave tone. "Traveling with the Dragoon Guards and the Royals. Transport detachment - they'll need to be at the docks at five am. Check all kit. Battle orders: no polishing - buttons, helmet buckles, stirrup irons - let 'em all go dull. I want nothing to flash in the sun and give us away."

Swallowing, James nodded. "Of course." A million thoughts flitted through his mind. She was at the centre of them all. He so badly wanted to say goodbye. Yet he knew that the chance of seeing her again was slim to none. Especially not after how she had disappeared so suddenly that morning. Her face bright red as she turned Sapphire and swiftly rode away, not looking back. Had she been embarrassed? _Ashamed? _

Try as he might, he could not erase the soft touch of her lips from his mind. Her actions had surprised him, yet they were not wholly unwelcome. She had been so shy when she had asked if she could choose her prize. So beautiful. So perfect.

So lost was he in his thoughts that he almost failed to notice Charlie's entrance and Jaime's exit. Their brief exchange was lost on him.

"Charlie," he greeted his friend, who was at present admiring himself in the mirror that hung on the opposing wall.

"What do you think of the new cap?" Charlie finally asked, drawing James's attention away from the sketch of Joey. Taking it off, he showed off the vibrant red lining to his friend, smiling proudly. "Silk lining, I quite like it." With those words, he sat down in the leather armchair across from the desk that James was currently occupying.

Setting his pencil to the side, James folded his hands and leveled a look at his friend. "I'm not sure it'll make a lot of difference to the Germans."

Charlie smirked and settled the cap once more on his head. "Oh, I don't know about that. Think about it - you're a Boche, just working out which two chaps to shoot, and you thought, "good lord, one of them is wearing a very stylish cap indeed!" Grinning, he returned the look James was currently giving him. "You might shoot the other one instead."

"Or alternatively think," James began, his tone shifting to one of wry amusement. "I fancy that cap" and kill you first of all."

Silence passed between them. After a moment, Charlie took off his cap and tossed it onto the table beside him. "I hadn't thought of that."

Without a word, James turned back to his sketch, barely noticing it when Charlie eventually got up and left, taking his cap wit him.

With the drawing and the letter for Albert completed, James turned his attention to a blank sheet of paper. Picking up his pen, he began to write.

_" My Lady, "_

~ ~ ~

Y/N had thrown herself into anything that would distract her. Her actions that morning horrified her. What must he think of her now? Like some simple country girl that had no grip on herself and her actions. Yet, as shameful as her actions were, she could not will herself to regret it. For so long now she had wondered what his lips would feel like beneath hers. They had been as soft as she'd imagined. The small smile that curved her lips disappeared the moment she remembered his lack of response. She had debased and disgraced herself in his eyes. He was a gentleman after all.

The day passed her by as she flitted around the house and the vast grounds of the manor. Not even Sapphire had proven to be of sufficient distraction. When asked for an explanation for her strange behaviour, she would reply with vague answers that gave nothing away and were often filled with half-truths.

"Milady, there you are," Hannah called, sounding relieved.

Y/N looked from the lake she had been sitting beside. A evening breeze was blowing, sending gentle ripples across the mirrored surface. Her hair had long since lost any resemblance to the braid of the morning. She smiled at Hannah in greeting.

The maid sighed upon seeing the smile. Her mistress was tired. It was a weary smile, one that spoke of more things than her tongue ever could. Moving to sit beside her, she turned slightly to face her. The young lady's attention had turned itself back to the rippled lake before them.

"What is it, milady?" Hannah asked softly.

Y/N did not answer right away, evidently lost in thought. Thoughts that soon turned to self-flagellation. She was disgusted with herself. She had lowered herself below her station and driven away the only man she had come to care for in quite some time. He was no doubt relieved to be free of her.

"Milady?" The maid's gentle voice brought her mistress out of the inky depths of her thoughts.

"Have you ever done something without thinking it through properly first?" Y/N asked sounding resigned. "Without taking into consideration the feelings of others while you were doing it?"

Hannah stared at her. Her mistress had been acting out of sorts all day, ever since she had returned from her morning ride. What could possible have happened? "No milady," she replied, shaking her head. "I cannot say I have."

Y/N smiled sadly. "Of course you haven't. You are much to good for such depraved acts." When she looked at her maid, unshed tears glistening in her eyes. "You are much too sensible to give your heart away." The last words were spoken in a whisper, her voice trembling.

"Milady?"

As though coming out of a trance, Y/N shook herself and smiled brightly at the woman beside her. "Pay no heed to me, dear Hannah," she laughed. "I have had a strange day, that is all."

Though not entirely convinced, Hannah nodded. Though bright, she sensed a trembling foundation beneath the smile her mistress now wore. "Very well. Let us go in then. You will catch your death in this cold."

Chuckling, Y/N followed.

Her good mood soured the moment she discovered they were to have company that night at dinner. As she was dressing, Hannah informed her that her lady Grandmother and a certain Lord Anthony Huntington would be in attendance.

"Do you think they would notice my absence at dinner?" Y/N asked hopefully, earning a laugh from Hannah.

"Most certainly, milady," she assured her.

Y/N muttered under her breath and scowled.

Hannah shook her head and smiled sympathetically. She knew the relations between her mistress and the Dowager were somewhat tense. The relations were only maintained for the good of her father, his Lordship.

She watched as Y/N took one last look at herself before sweeping from the room, her head held high.

The moment she stepped foot in the dining room, Y/N felt all the eyes in the room turn to her. Sighing inwardly, she went to greet her parents and nodded to her siblings before taking her customary seat. She had every intention of ignoring the two visitors, all thoughts of potential rudeness had left her.

"Are you quite alright Y/N?" Irene asked her from her place across the table.

Y/N nodded and smiled as convincingly as she could. "I am quite alright, Mother. Thank you."

Narrowing her eyes, Irene made to ask once more when Lord Anthony, who was seated beside Y/N, started to speak with her. "I do not believe I have had the pleasure of formally making your acquaintance, my Lady."

Y/N shuddered inwardly. Her title sounded so wrong spoken by him. By someone who wasn't James. She forced a polite smile to curve her lips. "No, I do not believe you have," she replied.

"Y/N? I believe?"

"_Lady _Hadleigh will do just fine," she replied, coating her voice and words with ice.

Lord Anthony looked at her in mild surprise. Lady Katherine's warning rung clear in his mind. A sharp tongue indeed. The way she smiled at him was in no way welcoming, nor did it bare the warmth she had displayed for her immediate family.

"Perhaps you are right," he said, inclining his head. "We barely know each other, my Lady. But in due time, I do hope that you might come to consider me a friend."

Y/N fought the urge not to sneer. "As you said, my Lord," she answered, "in due time." With those words, she turned back to her food.

Lord Anthony watched her closely throughout the dinner. While conversation swirled about them, she remained silent. Not a brooding or petulant silent. No. She was thinking, her eyes were distant, her mind clearly not in the same room.

The moment dinner had concluded and the ladies made to depart for the sitting rooms, Y/N saw her chance. Bidding her surprised parents a good evening, she made for the stairs.

A breath of relief flowed from her the moment her bedroom doors closed behind her. Reaching to ring for Hannah, she stopped when she saw something small resting on her nightstand. Curious, she took her gloves off and dropped them on her bed before looking closer at the object. An envelope, with her name and address written neatly across the front. In a script she had come to know all too well.

Gently opening the envelope, she unfolded the letter.

_"My Lady,_

_I know not how to begin this letter. In truth, I have so much to say and not sufficient words to express it all. _

_Your presence at the barracks this morning surprised me greatly, as I am sure you know. You have always been so perceptive of those around you. Except, perhaps, of yourself. I am to leave for France tomorrow. Early, a little before sunrise. _

_I know not when we shall meet again, my Lady. I pray with all my heart that we will. Seeing you this morning surprised me, I shall not deny that. I do not believe there to be a single moment where you have not surprised me, my dear Lady. _

_I pray to God for your continued safety and good health. I shall think of you when I am abroad, as I hope you will think of me. I dare not presume. I humbly ask for you to keep one poor soldier in your prayers when you pray for your family. _

_I shall remember you, my Lady. For I believe that nothing in this world, not even this wretched war, could possibly make me forget you. You have become a beacon for me, a guiding light. I shall remember the soft caress of your lips against mine as I traverse foreign soil. I shall remember your eyes when I lie awake at night, looking up at a foreign sky. _

_I cannot promise anything, my Lady. For to do so, would be to tempt the cruel hands of fate. _

_I hope this letter finds you well. _

_Forever yours, _

_Captain J. Nicholls "_

When Hannah came to help her mistress prepare for bed, she found her sound asleep. Curled up on the side of the bed she was, curled around something she was clutching to her chest. Upon closer inspection, Hannah saw that Y/N had been crying, glistening tracks of dried tears decorated her cheeks. Her chest rose and fell steadily, small puffs of air escaping her mouth, ruffling the strands of hair that had fallen across her face.

Gently pulling off her mistress's shoes, Hannah carefully pulled the comforter out from beneath her and draped it over her.

~ ~ ~

It was beginning to lighten when the regiment arrived at the docks. The cold sea breeze nipped at them, having them wrap their coats tighter around them. The horses snuffled and pawed the ground as they waited to board. They too were growing cold.

James stood beside Joey, seeking some measure of warmth from the animal. Jaime and Charlie were ahead, also huddled beside their respective mounts. Beside him, Joey nudged him. "I know, my boy," the Captain replied, fondly stroking his muzzle. "Not much longer now. I know it's cold."

Once again, Joey nudged him, a little harder this time. "It's no use complaining," James murmured, "it never works. Believe me," he added with a small smile. "I have tried, numerous times."

Apparently not convinced, Joey nudged him again.

"It will do you no good. The boat will be here soon."

If horses could huff in annoyance, then Joey managed to do so. He tossed his head and whinnied.

"What has gotten into you?" James asked, confused. They were all cold and impatient to get going, surely Joey knew that?

As though in answer, Joey turned his head and looked behind the Captain.

His confusion only growing, James followed where Joey was looking. His breath caught in his throat. There she was, dismounting from her horse. In the faint light of predawn, he saw her. She looked as though she had just woken up.

"Y/N," he breathed, not quite believing what he was seeing.

As though he had shouted it, she turned towards him. As he was bringing up the rear, she was able to spot him quite easily. Letting go of the reins, she walked towards him, Sapphire trailing after her.

The moment she stopped before him, she began to wring her hands. "Captain," she greeted him, voice soft.

James was startled to notice that she would not meet his gaze. "My Lady?"

His words prompted her to finally look up. The smile she gave him was hesitant, as though she was unsure of whether or not she should. "I got your letter," she replied, voice a little louder.

"You must have risen before the servants," he remarked, smiling gently. In truth, he was taken aback.

Y/N nodded, "I had to be quiet so as to not raise any alarms," she replied, the familiar twinkle in her eyes slowly returning.

"Might I ask as to your purpose here, my Lady?"

She looked at him as though he had just sprouted a second head. After a brief moment of silence, she answered. "I thought it was obvious, Captain." When he did not speak, she continued. "I do not wish for us to part on awkward terms. And for that, I feel I must apologise. I should not have done what I did." Her words trailed off as she looked down, unable to meet his shocked gaze.

"Do you regret it?" He whispered, voice cracking slightly.

Her head snapped up. "I know I should," she replied, biting her lip. "I know I ought to."

"But do you?" He asked, a hint of vulnerability in the words. The undercurrent of a plea.

Y/N shook her head, a slight blush rising to her cheeks. "No," she whispered.

"Would you allow me one more kiss?" James found himself asking, not quite believing the audacity of his words. The words were softly spoken, meant only for her.

Y/N shook her head. "I do not want to say goodbye," she said, swallowing hard.

James smiled at her. "Then do not," he murmured.

She nodded and smiled sadly. "I shall say, 'until we meet again,' for I pray that we will."

"One kiss, my dear Lady?" He whispered, baring his soul to her. "To carry with me across the ocean?"

Y/N looked up at him and nodded.

Stepping closer, James bent and closed the distance between them. In an instant, he felt her arms wrap around him, holding him close.

Y/N found herself responding eagerly to the kiss. A strange desperation filled her as she clung to him and he to her. He would be taking a part of her with him when he left. She needed a part of him to stay with her.

James never wanted to let go. He wanted to stay there forever, wrapped in the safety of her arms.

The foghorn of the arriving boat broke them apart.

"Until we meet again," she whispered against his chest as he held her close. Turning to look up at him, she smiled through her tears. "Come back to me, Captain."

Pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead, James smiled as best he could with a breaking heart. He nodded, not trusting his voice to be steady.

"I think they are calling for you," she whispered, hating the words as soon as she said them.

"Wait for me?" He asked, in much the same voice.

Her eyes shone with tears. "Yes," she replied, lips trembling. "I will wait," she flung her arms around him as the regiment began to move along the docks towards the boat. "I will wait for you."

"How long?" He asked, face buried in her half-done hair. "How long can you bear to wait?" He feared the answer, but he had to know.

"Forever," she promised, clutching him closer, breath hitching in her throat. "I will wait forever if I have to."

Overcome with emotion, he kissed her and she kissed him back.

The shouts of his compatriots finally drew them apart. "I must go," he whispered brokenly, hating the grief in her eyes.

"I know," she nodded, "I know." Cupping his cheek for a brief moment, she stepped back. "Until we meet again," she said, voice wobbling slightly.

Mounting Joey, James looked at her for the last time before riding swiftly to join his comrades. As he boarded the boat, he looked back and saw her, still standing there. Framed in the early morning light. A sight he would carry with him into the horrors of the war.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boche = German soldier


	23. Endured Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You deserve to be the person you were meant to be.
> 
> ~ Atticus

Dressed in lilac muslin and with a matching hat sitting atop her swept up tresses, Y/N stepped out of the motorcar. Irene stood beside her as they both looked up at the Dowager's residence.

"Will this be a terribly long affair?" Y/N whispered to her mother as they approached the front door. "What if she has an ulterior motive for inviting us?"

"Come now, my dear," Irene admonished gently, and not without a smile. "She is your grandmother. Perhaps she merely would like some company."

Y/N raised an eyebrow at her mother. "Not even you can believe something like that."

Shaking her head with the smile intact, Irene knocked firmly on the door.

Not a minute later, Mr.Owens, the Dowager's portly butler, swung the doors open. "Do come in, your Ladyships."

Smiling and nodding to the man, Y/N followed her mother and gave her hat to the solitary footman of the household. Irene did the same.

"If your Ladyships would like to follow me? The Dowager is at present in the sitting room."

It soon came to Y/N's attention, from the moment they entered the sitting room, that her grandmother was in no way alone. She cringed internally as she recognised the company her grandmother was keeping.

"Lord Huntington," Irene exclaimed, smiling. "We did not expect to see you. What a pleasure it is."

Y/N fought the urge to stare at her mother. How could she, a woman who was an exceptional judge of character, like this man? It was beyond her. Instead, she painted her lips with a polite smile.

"A pleasant surprise indeed," Lord Anthony replied, kissing the knuckles of Irene's outstretched hand.

As Irene moved to sit beside the Dowager, Lord Anthony focused his attentions on the younger woman. She was the picture of elegance and refinement. Despite what her grandmother may have said. She carried herself with a confident air; chin slightly lifted to accentuate the delicate swan-like expanse of her throat. Sharp, clever eyes watched him, eyes filled with thinly veiled contempt. Eyes that judged him and dared him to take even one step closer.

"Lady Hadleigh," he addressed her formally. Dipping into a low bow before, he sought for her eyes as he rose.

In answer she inclined her head. "Lord Huntington," she replied, tone polite but clipped.

"I did not expect to see you again so soon," Lord Anthony said as they walked together back to the sofas.

"Indeed, my Lord," she replied.

Irene had never considered her daughter to be arrogant before. While not particularly fond of visitors that weren't family, she had always made an effort to smile and to make their stay as comfortable as possible. But now, as she witnessed the short-lived exchange between the two, Y/N appeared almost cold. Only saying the bare minimum to whatever Lord Huntington may have said. She barely looked at him and when she did, she did so with a forced politeness that Irene found most alarming.

"How about the two of you take a turn through the gardens?" Lady Katherine spoke up, startling her granddaughter who had been doing a stellar job of ignoring her.

"Yes," Irene agreed, clapping her hands delicately together. Y/N stared at her mother, since when did she agree with anything her grandmother said? "A most excellent suggestion. The gardens are simply divine this time of year."

Before she knew it, Lord Anthony was on his feet before her, offering his arm. Biting her lip and glaring inwardly at her grandmother, she reluctantly took the offered arm.

Her grandmother's gardens were indeed beautiful, Y/N would readily admit that much. Quickly forgetting that she had company, she smiled widely the moment she caught sight of a patch of blue periwinkles. Her arm slipped from his as she quickly made her way over to the small flowers and knelt down to their level.

"My Lady is that really necessary?" Lord Anthony asked, surprised at her behaviour. Her light coloured ensemble brushed the grass and the dark soil, its wearer seeming not to mind or care. "Surely you can observe them while standing?"

Y/N did not turn from the plant, her fingers lightly tracing the delicate shapes of the petals. "This flower comes in many different colours, purple and blue being the most notable." She spoke as though he had not, her tone distant and thoughtful.

"That is indeed wonderful, my Lady," Lord Anthony acknowledged. He watched silently as a bee landed on her hand and as she gently transferred it to the plant before her. "But I am sure your mother and grandmother would disapprove of you getting your gown all soiled."

Y/N laughed and rolled her eyes, finally standing up.

"I fail to see the amusement in this situation, my Lady.'

"You mustn't trouble yourself, my Lord," she replied, smoothing her skirt. "My grandmother has been on my back since the day I turned eighteen, as for my mother. Well, she wouldn't be all that surprised."

Lord Anthony narrowed his eyes at her words. The way she spoke of her grandmother did not sit right with him. "I am sure your grandmother has only your best interests at heart."

"I am sure she does," Y/N muttered, turning her attention to the shrubbery. "She has a peculiar way of showing it."

"You enjoy nature, my Lady?" He asked, changing the topic.

Y/N nodded. "Nature frees me, it allows me to breathe."

"But what of your recent stay in London?" When she looked to him in surprise, he quickly explained. "Your grandmother informed me."

Y/N hummed non-committedly before replying. "I enjoyed it better than I had anticipated, I admit."

"So she tells me," Lord Anthony muttered under his breath.

_"Take care, Anthony, even now, you have a rival for her affections." _The Dowager's words were seared into his brain, as was the incident he had been witness too.

Unaware, Y/N went on ahead. With her fingers trailing over the plants she passed, she made her way through her grandmother's expansive gardens. She appeared to have every flower known to man and it fascinated her.


	24. Entrusted for Safekeeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I won't ever find the words, you are my everything always and even that is not enough. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, my loves. I'm so sorry for the extremely late update, my health took a bit of a nose dive, but I am on the mend. Enjoy!

_\- Quiévrechain, France 1914 - _

France. It was so different to how he imagined it would be. While it certainly was beautiful, in James's eyes it could never compare to the beauty of his homeland. His beloved England.

The beauty of the countryside remained yet unmarked by the horrors of the war. If he closed his eyes, he could quite easily imagine her riding beside him, chattering on about how beautiful she found the peace and relative quiet. James had watched her come alive around nature, like restraints had been removed and she was able to move freely.

He was snapped back to the present as the regiment came to a halt. A grove of trees awaited them. The sight of the erected white tents sent a minute shudder through him. He always knew that the war was real, but now, now it was startlingly clear. They were on foreign soil, far from their families and loved ones, fighting an enemy they had yet to lay eyes on.

Dismounting Joey, James made a decision. Before he was to meet with Jaime and their allies in the command tent, he would write to her, let her know of his safe arrival. The charge was planned for early the next morning.

"Come along Jim," Jaime said, walking past him, "there is much to be done before the attack."

"I will be along shortly," he replied and waited until the Major had entered the tent before retrieving his writing materials from his saddlebags. Glancing around, James quickly spotted the stump of a tree. Shrugging, he made his way towards it.

Crouching down before the stump, with the paper spread across a small portion of it, James wrote to her. He wrote of his dreams and aspirations, his fear and utter terror of the charge to come. He wrote to her of Joey, hoping she might impart the news to Albert. He laid himself bare, he told her everything. Everything he should have said but was too afraid to. Pausing in his writing, he opened his breast pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. It was careworn, folded and refolded many times over. It was the first time he had seen her astride a horse, the rearing form of Sapphire captured in such detail it may well have been a photograph.

"You looked as beautiful as I'd imagined," he murmured, a finger lightly tracing the penciled form of her. Her hands were tightly curled around the reins, her booted feet firmly lodged in the stirrups, her thighs tight against the Friesian's sides. She had not been aware of his presence in that moment, leaving her open to his undivided admiration.

Refolding the paper, James tucked it safely back into his breast pocket. With a small sigh, he returned to the letter. Already he could hear Jaime calling to him, and sounding rather impatient. Smiling, he told her as much.

Sealing the envelope and quickly adding her name and address, James passed it to the messenger, eliciting a promise that it would be sent off that day.

Hurrying to the command tent, he shot Charlie and Jaime an apologetic look before giving his full attention to the situation at hand.

Sergeant Major Singh, a turbaned Indian with a rather impressive moustache, was explaining the details of the battle lines that had been drawn on a map of the area. "This is our target, the German 11th Division. At the moment bivouacked three miles to the east of the Menin Road. We have been watching them and they have pitched tents for the night and lit cooking fires. Knock them out and we could slide in behind the German lines and come at them from the South at Geluveld."

Jaime nodded, satisfied, if even a little impressed. "Excellent."

Stepping up to the map, James peered closer at the lines. "Numbers?"

"About six hundred Infantry," the Sergeant Major replied.

James let out a long breath and turned to Jaime. "Twice our size..." He didn't like the sound of this, not one bit.

"In regiments of horse and men," Jaime replied confidently, "the advantage is ours."

"And we have surprise on our side," Sergeant Major Singh added, smiling. "But the sooner we move the better."

Jaime nodded in apparent agreement.

"Our officers just have a second to take in the news," Singh continued. "The day has suddenly arrived. The day they have worked for, for so long."

It was then that Jaime spoke. "Right. Good," he nodded abruptly. "So, tomorrow it is. Charlie," he turned to where the younger man stood beside James. "Tell the men."

Turning to leave, Charlie paused a moment, "Salisbury formation?" He asked, wanting to making sure.

Jaime nodded. "Salisbury formation," he confirmed. "We'll charge through them and secure the ground behind."

Satisfied, Charlie took his leave.

"The grass to the left is taller than we are," the Sergeant Major informed them. "It is the perfect cover."

Jaime smiled at the man. "Excellent work, Sergeant Major. Time spent on reconnaissance is rarely wasted." With those words and a quick salute, Jaime ducked out of the tent and began to make his way towards the horses.

Quickly thanking the officer, James followed his friend. "Jaime," he called after him.

Jaime turned at the sound of his name and saw James catch up to him.

"They have no idea we're coming?" James asked, unable to keep the worry out of his voice.

Jaime smirked and shook his head. "Not having scruples, are you, Jim?"

"No," James replied quickly. "I understand the surprise is everything. But if it must be done, lets do it quickly."

~ ~ ~

_\- County Devon, England 1914 - _

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?" Robert asked, folding his arms and raising an eyebrow.

Y/N managed a smile that was not quite as comforting as she would have hoped. "I have a general idea."

"Excellent," Robert groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. He and Y/N were currently in the process of constructing a swing that would ultimately arch over the lake on the property's southern border. Y/N was currently lying across a rather sturdy looking branch, having insisted that she could climb just as well as her brothers. Robert, for his part, remained on the ground, watching his sister with no small degree of worry.

"How do you know it'll even hold?" He asked, gesturing to the knot she was in the process of tying.

"Such faith you have in my abilities," Y/N shot back, yanking the rope into place. One down, one to go. Shuffling backwards along the branch, she cursed the long skirt she had decided upon for the day. Huffing, she pulled the material up, thus exposing her leg below the knee. "There," she muttered, pleased with herself. Now she was able to move a lot better.

"Let's hope Grandmama doesn't come looking for us," Robert teased, "she might just faint in shock."

Y/N rolled her eyes. "If she comes looking, I'll be sure to climb up even further into this tree." With those words, she proceeded to tie and secure the second knot, thus lifting the swing into place.

"There we go," she said finally, looking happily down at the swing.

"I still have my doubts," Robert muttered, shaking his head.

Opening her mouth to shoot back a retort, Y/N was cut off by the sound of Hannah calling. Caught unawares, she lost her grip on the branch and tipped sideways, only just managing to catch herself. That was how Hannah found her, hanging by her hands from a tree branch while Robert struggled to keep from laughing. "Hannah?" She greeted her maid, opting for the casual tone.

For a brief moment, the maid in question found herself without words. She had found her mistress in a variety of unladylike situations, most of them her own doing. This however, was quite new. "Milady?" That one word said everything.

"I can explain," Y/N began, shifting her hands to get a better grip on the wood.

"That won't be necessary, milady," Hannah replied, shock giving way to amusement. "I have something for you, it came just now."

In her eagerness, Y/N let go and crashed into a rather undignified heap beside the tree. Groaning, she sat up, this really wasn't her day. Not far from her, Robert had dissolved into fits of laughter, bordering on hysterical. Using the tree as a means of support, she turned to Hannah, who it seemed was fighting a smirk of her own. "You have something for me?" She bit out, glaring sideways at her brother.

Immediately schooling her features, Hannah nodded and produced something from the pocket of her apron.

The world shrunk to the envelope in her hands. Nodding to Hannah in thanks, Y/N turned away from the pair and walked a little while down the shores of the lake before finally settling down to read it.

_" My Lady,_

_I do believe that you will be relieved to know that I have arrived safely and in one piece. In truth, it was not a long journey, but the anticipation made it feel as though it were. I dare not tell you where I am, my Lady, for fear of this letter falling into enemy hands. _

_I do not have long to pen this letter to you, my Lady. In fact, I am supposed to be in the Command tent at this very moment. Jaime is not doubt wondering where I am. There is so much I wish to say to you, dear Lady. So very much, I fear our language has not sufficient words for it. But I will tell you this, when peace time comes, and I pray it will, I wish to show you the world outside our little England. There is so much to see. If you will have me that is. _

_I believe you are well acquainted with Albert? The boy who owned Joey before I did. Indeed, I do not know if he did indeed volunteer for the army. If he has not, would you be so kind as to inform him that Joey is doing splendidly? He is such a beautiful creature, Albert did a fine job in training him. I do believe he knows what lies in store, but the brave boy is forever steadfast and has given me no reason to believe otherwise. _

_My time is running short, so please, allow me to say this, I do not know if I shall return, I do not wish to tempt fate so. But you must know, my dear Lady, that I will fight with everything that I am to return to you. I will see action soon, of this I am sure. You are what I will fight for. I feel you with me, even though I cannot see you. I firmly believe that you imparted a piece of your soul to me in that last kiss. As for me, I left my heart with you. I left it with you for safe keeping, for there is strength in your gentle hands. I have seen it as you held the reins on Sapphire, curled firmly. I felt it when you held me in your arms, as though you were enough to shield me from the world. _

_In so many words, dear Lady, I am trying to say but a simple thing. So simple, I was too much of a coward to tell you while you stood before me. I adore you, my Lady, with a depth that I believe would rival the ocean. With a sincerity that would make the stars sing out your name, for I have spoken to them of you many times. I did not think it possible to be so drawn to a person as I am to you. And I do not think it possible for another to love, as I love you. _

_Jaime is calling, he is sounding rather impatient, so I had better be off. _

_Forever yours,_

_Captain J. Nicholls "_

With a gasp, Y/N pressed the letter, and his words, to her heart. Tears ran freely down her cheeks. "My heart is with you," she whispered, head bowed. "It is yours."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I made some changes to the original script, sue me. This is a fix-it fic after all 😎😜


	25. The choices we make

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You set alight, in my heart and mind, the most beautiful chaos.
> 
> ~ Atticus

_\- Quiévrechain, France 1914 - _

_" Captain,_

_I wish I could find the words. Yet, there is no simple way to begin this letter. Many sheets of paper were sacrificed as I sought a better beginning to this letter. So, perhaps I shall start with the most obvious. The news that you have arrived safely warms me greatly and sets my troubled mind at ease, if only a fraction. My brothers will be departing soon, mother cannot bare to think of it. Not that I can really blame her. I dread the thought of their going and I wish with all my heart that they did not have to. But all the wishing in the world cannot change the way things have gone. _

_There is one matter that I believe warrants our attention, more so than the war that is currently ripping our world to shreds and more so than my brother's approaching departure. Your letter left a turmoil of emotions in its wake, it threw mine into a chaotic whirlwind and left me seeing but one option. Surely you remember the bargain I struck with my parents? The one to secure a future of my choosing? Of course you would, Captain. You do not strike me as a man who forgets things easily. You are a clever man, a kind and gentle man who brings a softer, much more compassionate edge to this horrific war. _

_It is this bargain I fear I must address. I have made my decision. Perhaps I made it long ago, who knows? It is only now that I am coming to realise it. My heart had chosen long before my brain caught up with it. I cannot say what the defining moment must have been. There were so many. So many that I sometimes struggle to remember an existence before them. Beautiful moments painted against the backdrop of a war. _

_You said in your letter that you will be seeing action soon. I am not naive enough to believe that my words would shield you from harm, because I know they won't. In truth, Captain, I cannot bear the thought of you there, surrounded by the enemy. My heart stutters in fear. My heart which is now far away from me. You said that you felt as though I had imparted a piece of my soul to you, but it was so much more than that. You did take something of me when you left, of that I am certain. _

_It is not often that I find myself at a loss for words. I have always prided myself with having the most suitable ones ready and on-hand. Yet now, as I attempt to make sense of the chaos inside me and as my head fights with my absent heart, I know but one thing. You, you with your kind eyes and gentle smile. You with your beautiful artistic spirit and love of nature. You have rendered me helpless. Fighting a losing battle with an emotion that both scares and enlivens me. Never before have I felt so out of control, like a sailor thrown overboard in a storm with nothing to cling too. Words, at least no suitable ones, will not come to me. Half formed sentences and stuttered utterances are all that my mind will give me. _

_I suppose, what I am trying to say is, that, oh goodness, I really am no good at this. I should have said this to you while you stood before me on the docks, but even then it would have been too late. For it is not as if my words would have been enough to end this war and keep you here, on English soil. Safe. With me. You called yourself a coward for not telling me of what you felt while I stood before you, but you are not. For had you said them to me then, I would no doubt have stared and made you feel most uncomfortable. But that moment would lasted but a fraction of a second. A moment soon lost and forgotten as I would have repeated the words right back to you. _

_Stay safe, Captain. For I do not believe I would be strong enough to bare it should you not return. You are not a foolish man, nor a rash one. Even so, a cloud of fear hangs over me and I cannot seem to dispel it. _

_Before I send this letter off to you, allow me to say but one more thing. When I said that I had made my decision, I chose you. I care not what my family will say. You are my choice. You are my heart. You are my soul. My very being. I love you, I know I should not, but I do. More than words could ever express. _

_May God be with you and keep you safe and guide you back to me. _

_Yours,_

_Lady Y/N Hadleigh "_

The letter had been read over so many times, James was sure he knew it by heart. It rested above his heart, in the same pocket as his sketch of her. Glancing at Joey, he sighed and smiled as best he could. Today was the day. This was it. "Hey, Joey. My bonny boy. You're alright, aren't you?" His voice trailed off as his eyes locked onto the red campain ribbon that Albert had tied to Joey's bridle that day in the village.

With quiet resolve, he reached for it and secured it once more on the bridle. He laughed softly when Joey nudged him. "I sent it off this morning," he murmured. "Although I am not certain when she will receive it." Tightening his grip on the reigns, James swung up onto Joey's back and moved him into position beside Charlie.

Within moments the entire regiment had saddled up and was waiting in dutiful silence as Jaime began to speak. His voice carried over the small crowd and instilled courage into the hearts of all those he addressed. "Gentleman. It is an honour to ride beside you. Make the Kaiser rue the day he dared to cross swords with us. Let every man make himself, his King, his country, and fallen comrades proud! Be brave. Fear God. Honour the King!"

"Fear God. Honour the King!" They cried, the crowd of many becoming once voice.

"Draw swords," Jaime commanded the moment they stood in formation in the tall grass.

James glanced at his friends, each in turn. "Good luck, my friends," he whispered.

There was a breath of silence before Jaime's voice rung out once more. "Forward, to walk! Walk...march!" All around him the regiment began to move. "Forward to canter! Canter...march!"

James hears not the thundering of hoofbeats. Nor the piercing battlecries of his compatriots. He hears her. Her laughter and her voice. Her voice as she reads out the letter she sent him. Her heart in her eyes. The sun in her hair.

They sweep through the first line of the encampment. German soldiers caught unawares are trampled by the galloping horses.

_"You are my heart. My soul. My very being. I love you..."_ It is those words he hears when he sees it, hidden among the trees. A machine gun.

"Forgive me, Y/N," he whispers, gripping his sword tighter. Joey runs like the wind beneath him. "Forgive me, my heart." His last thoughts are of her before chaos erupts around him.


	26. The weight on my heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let me die first or I will die twice.
> 
> ~ Atticus

She was, by all means that mattered to her, the happiest person in the world. Clutching his letter to her heart, she smiled wider than she ever had. So wide that her cheeks began to ache. Heaven above! She felt as though her heart would burst with joy. Something within her wanted to keep this news to herself for just a little while longer.

Biting her lip in an effort to restrain her smile, Y/N carefully folded the letter back into its envelope. Tucking it safely with the rest of her growing collection, Y/N glanced at her reflection and almost laughed. Her wide smile made her look a little deranged and it possibly didn't help that her hair was only half done. Hannah had left the moment Y/N opened the envelope.

Sighing happily, she looked out the window. It proving to be such a beautiful day. There was not a single cloud in the sky and a soft breeze was blowing. Reaching up, she rang for Hannah, who swept into the room not a moment later.

"Is everything alright, milady?" She asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.

Y/N nodded. "Everything is perfect. And I do believe that today is proving to be a lovely one indeed."

"I believe you are right, milady," Hannah replied with faint amusement. Twisting the last few strands into a simple braid, Hannah tied the end with a light blue ribbon."There you are, milady. All set for the new day."

"Yes," she sighed, "I do think I am. But, Hannah would you be a dear and tell my family that I will take breakfast a little later today? I wish to go for a ride."

Murmuring her assent, the maid departed, smiling to herself at her mistress's antics. Whatever trouble was she up to now?

Nodding to the servants she passed, Y/N made her way to the stables as discreetly as she could. She never made it to the stables. The moment she left the house, she almost collided head on with one of the messenger boys from down at the post office in the village.

"I am so very sorry," she apologised, helping him to stand and right his bicycle.

"It is no matter my Lady," the boy replied with a bright smile. "Here, I have something for you." He proceeded to dig around the satchel at his waist.

"For me?"

The boy nodded and passed her a small envelope. "There we are, my Lady. Well, I had best be off."

Sending him off with a distracted wave, Y/N turned her attention to the envelope. It was much smaller than the ones she was used to receiving. There was no sender, only her name and address printed on the front as though by a typewriter.

"Y/N my dear, what have you got there?" Irene called, seeing her daughter stand framed by the entrance.

"I don't quite know," she replied and flipped it over to open it. There was small piece of paper folded neatly. Curious as to who the mysterious sender was, she unfolded the paper.

_" Dear Lady Y/N Hadleigh,_

_We, at the War Office, regret to inform you that one Captain James Nicholls has been killed in action on the 23rd of September in the year of our Lord 1914. Please accept our most sincere condolences. "_

Y/N had forgotten how to breathe. Her hands trembled as she clutched the telegram. "Its not true," she whispered. "It can't be true." Tears burnt and distorted her vision. Without a backward glance, she left the manor, the paper clutched tight.

Clear of the house, she ran. She ran as though her life depended on it. Her lungs burnt and her heart pounded. She ran until her legs collapsed beneath her. She didn't get up. She remained where she fell, beside the lake.

Curling into herself, she wept. Tears streamed down her cheeks and soaked into the dress she wore. With trembling hands she clutched the telegram to her chest, as though it would staunch the blood from her bleeding, broken heart. A wretched sob tore out of her and shook her entire frame. In the span of a few moments, her world had been turned upside down.

"Oh how I love you," she whispered. "How I will always love you. My brave Captain-" her voice cracked and broke on the last word. "James," she whimpered, closing her eyes.

All around her, the day continued. The birds sang and the breeze blew.

Even as she made her way back to the house, not a singe cloud came to shield her from the sun that seemed to burn a little too bright.

Sitting beside Annabelle as per usual, she took breakfast with her family. She smiled and spoke with them as though nothing were amiss. As though her heart had not been shattered moments before. The telegram was hidden on her person. None but her should ever see it.

She went to the library after breakfast. She needed to surround herself with fiction, yet even the books soon proved to be of insufficient distraction. Clenching her jaw, she resolved to go to the stables.

Sapphire greeted her with a cheerful whinny. Then, as though sensing the distress of her mistress, she nuzzled her cheek as though to say, _"whatever is going on, know that I am here." _

Y/N nodded stiffly and smiled tightly at the mare. With shaking hands, she reached in and unlocked the stall. Stepping into the stall, she closed it behind her. She did not have the strength to mount up. In truth, she was barely hanging on. She collapsed right then and there, arms curled around one of Sapphire's forelegs. With her head buried her arms, she wept, her tears wetting the soft fur on the mare's leg.

"He's gone," she whispered as Sapphire bent her head to nuzzle her hair. "My James is gone."

The horse's gentle ministrations only served to heighten her grief. She let go of the leg and buried her face in the thick black Friesian mane. Drawing back, she gave Sapphire a wobbly, watery smile. "Will you help me, my dear sweet girl? Will you help me to stay strong?"

As though in answer, Sapphire nickered softly and gently nudged her cheek.

"Thank you," Y/N whispered, touching her forehead to the mare's. "Thank you so much."

Irene knew not what the letter had said, but it had changed something within her daughter. When she had returned from reading it, she was quieter and despite her smiles and warm conversations at the breakfast table, Irene knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong, as was made evident by how she now saw Y/N wrap her arms around Sapphire's neck and stays there for longer than she ever had before.

If Y/N was surprised to see her mother there, she hid it well.

"Y/N? Is everything alright?"

The younger woman nodded and smiled brightly. Perhaps a little too brightly. "Of course it is," she replied. "I have a feeling it is going to be a beautiful day indeed."

The sadness in her eyes did not match her cheerful tone and the smile that threatened to crack at a moment's notice.


	27. Waiting against all hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I love you, I do-  
you have my word.
> 
> You have all my words.
> 
> ~ Lang Leav (A Promise)

_It was the crashing of the waves that first caught his attention. Looking over his shoulder, James could see a stretch of woodland. It was when he turned around again that he saw her. Sitting bareback astride Sapphire, she was looking out to sea. Smiling, he began to make his way to her side. "Y/N?" He frowned when she didn't turn in his direction or make any move to show that she had heard him. _

_The closer he got, the more he noticed. _

_She was not sitting up as he had originally believed. No. She appeared to have curled in on herself. Bowed forward, her head rested amidst Sapphire's mane. She seemed to be holding something, her hands tightly clenched and held close to her chest. _

_"Y/N?" He whispered as he stood beside her. Reaching out, he hesitated before gently resting a hand on her arm, hoping to draw her attention. _

_She shook her head and murmured quietly to herself, the words lost to James. _

_How he wished for her to look up. To see those beautiful eyes look back at him, and perhaps even a smile. Something beautiful after the horror he had borne witness to. "My love" he whispered desperately, "please." _

_She gasped and for a brief glorious moment he was convinced that she had heard him. Then, she looked up. One hand had flown to her mouth as her shoulders heaved. She was crying. James realised that only too late. She did not fight the tears as she had done in London. Dropping her hand, she cried out, her evident grief enveloping her. _

_The grief in her eyes shook James to his very core. It was eating her alive, from the inside out. Clutching her hands to her chest, she whimpered. "I didn't know it would hurt so much." Then her eyes lifted as she looked out to sea. A trembling sigh passed her quivering lips. "I would rather feel this pain, than feel nothing at all." _

_James was beyond confused. What had happened in the time he had been gone? _

_"I cannot choose," she whispered, the soft words floated out to sea. "I will not choose another," she vowed. "I will love no other. None but you, my beautiful, brave Captain." _

_"Oh my darling," James replied, moved to tears of his own at her heartfelt words. "I love you too."_

_A barely stifled sob tore past her lips before it became a heartwrenching cry of pain. The sound echoed out across the water before her and was carried over the salty breeze of the ocean. _

_Retracting his hand, James wanted nothing more than to hold her. To have her head rest against his shoulder, her tears soaking into the rough material of his uniform. While his head berated him, his heart encouraged him. "Go on," it whispered in a voice that sounded much like hers. _

_Reaching out once more, he laid a gentle hand atop hers. _

_Her reaction ought to have warmed him, yet it only served to make him wonder what had truly transpired during his absence. What could possibly have happened for her to act in such a manner? She leaned into the touch, even unfurling her clenched hands. "At least you are safe now," she whispered, voice heavy and emotional. "None can hurt you."_

_James lifted a brow in question. As the question began to form in his mind, a breath of wind swept something from her previously clenched hands. His attention caught, James immediately reached forward with his free hand and snatched it before it could be swept out to sea. _

_His breathing caught in his throat as his eyes drank in the words. The ink they had been typed in was smudged and the paper was creased in multiple places and torn in others. "Oh my love," he breathed, disbelievingly. "My precious one." Oh what he would give to ease her pain. _

_The words on the page before him could not be anymore untrue. _

"Captain? Captain, can you hear me?"

Groaning softly, James became all too aware of the pain in his left shoulder. Agony like a white-hot coal seared through him, making him hiss softly and clench his jaw. Forcing his eyes open, he was met with the concerned gaze of a young woman, her dark hair swept back by a nurse's cap.

"Try not to move, Sir," she instructed in a gentle tone. "The operation was successful, but there is still much healing to be done."

"What-," he attempted to speak, his voice coming out hoarse. "What happened?"

The young nurse sighed, her eyes sad. "We found you and two others. You were as white as fresh snow and your pulse was near nonexistent. It is a miracle that the bullets did not fell you, Sir."

_The bullets. _James paled at the memory. _The charge. The hidden machine gun. _"The Major?"

The nurse smiled softly. "He is among the survivors. Although his injuries were a little more grievous than yours, Sir."

"Anyone else?"

"One Lt.Waverly, Sir. He was barely alive, much like you."

The relief that washed over him was short-lived as James remembered his dream. He hoped and prayed that it was just that, a dream.

"We found these, Sir," the nurse said, softly interrupting his thoughts. "I am afraid that there is a fair amount of blood on them." With those words, she reached down to the table that stood beside the bed and carefully picked up two pieces of paper, neatly folded.

With a visibly trembling hand, James reached for them. The moment they were within his grasp, he let out a sigh of contentment.

"Will I be sent back?" He asked, not really wanting to hear the inevitable.

The nurse shook her head. "Not with the state that your shoulder is in, Sir. It was a miracle that it did not shatter the bone."

Nodding, James turned his attention back to the paper in his hand, brought to rest against his chest.

Taking this as her cue, the young woman left, murmuring softly that she would return to check the dressings on his shoulder.

The moment he was alone, James brought the papers to his lips and closed his eyes. "Wait for me, my love," he whispered, tears slipping down his cheeks and onto the bloodied paper.


	28. How often must I bid farewell?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I plant roots so deeply in people I love that I always lose a piece of myself when they go.
> 
> ~ Beau Taplin (Roots)

Maybe if she held on tight enough, maybe if she held on long enough, the train would leave her brothers behind. Then perhaps, once the clouds of steam and smoke had evaporated, her brothers would still be standing there as the train trundled out of sight.

The shrill sound of the whistle interrupted her musings and sent them crashing into oblivion.

"You _will _write won't you?" Her mother's question echoed her own unspoken need for reassurance. 

Robert nodded, Thomas and Andrew following suit. "Of course we will, mother," he promised, smiling as best he could.

Y/N heard little of what her brothers were saying, her eyes and mind had gone distant with memory. Had she not said farewell once before? Had she not bid goodbye to someone she loved? How many more times would she be subject to this pain? Soon nothing of her would be left.

She had said goodbye once before and he had not returned. He had perished on foreign soil. She could not bear for that same fate to await her brothers. She did not want to say goodbye again, it felt like a curse to her.

The train's whistle blew again and Y/N launched herself at the trio, enveloping the three of them in an embrace. In turn, they returned the gesture as best they could. In that embrace she felt all the things they had refused to say out loud. Their hands trembled as they rested against her back, their breath stuttered as the siblings held each other close. They were terrified. Scared beyond belief.

"It's okay to be scared," she whispered to them. "To be scared is to be human." She felt them nod minutely against her. "I am terrified," she admitted. "Please, stay as safe as you can." Tears pricked behind her eyes and she forced them down, she needed to be strong for them.

"We will see each other again," Thomas murmured, a statement to which his brothers nodded in agreement.

Reluctantly, Y/N drew back. "Look at you three," she said, her smile wobbling at the edges. "So very handsome. I'm so unbelievably proud-" her voice quivered and broke on the last word, her resolve cracking as the tears came streaming.

In an instant, she was surrounded once more. The three of them held her firmly, whispering soft reassurances to calm her.

"All aboard!"

Irene came to stand beside her daughters as the boys leapt aboard the train. Y/N briefly glanced at her mother and saw that she was fairing no better. Their father stood beside her, his arm around her shoulders.

Annabelle clung to her sister as the boys waved goodbye from the carriage windows. Y/N felt her sister's tears soak into the soft material of her shirt. Bending at the waist, she kissed her crown. "Hush now," she whispered, barely hanging on herself.

~ ~ ~

Snow dusted the ground and frosted the bare branches of the trees. Resting against the makeshift wall of the field hospital, James surveyed his surrounds. Another two days, that's what they had said. Another two days before he would be sent home across the Channel. To a home of convalescence. There, they said, he would receive the treatment necessary for the healing of his shoulder.

"Thinking of home?" Jaime asked from beside him.

James smiled and turned to his friend. "In a way, I suppose so, yes."

Sighing, Jaime settled back into his wheelchair. "Anyone waiting for you?"

James did not reply right away. His dream coming back to haunt him.

"Jim?"

Blinking, James shook his head. "I hope there is," he whispered, absentmindedly reaching for her portrait and letter.

Frowning, Jaime looked up at the young Captain. He watched in silence as the young man unfolded one of two pieces of paper. He said nothing as James let his free hand lightly trace over the surface of the page. It was only when he tucked the pages back into his breast pocket that Jaime said something. "Anyone I might know?"

James appeared to think for a while before answering. "She is a relative of the Addingtons."

"Really?" Jaime asked, surprised. "How so?"

"Her mother is the sister of Lady Amelia Addington."

Jaime made a small noise of realisation.

"Indeed," James murmured, a fond look in his blue eyes.

"What is her name?" Jaime asked, "if I may be so bold."

James smiled as he said her name, cherishing the sensation of it as he pronounced it. "Lady Y/N Hadleigh."

"Hadleigh?" Jaime murmured thoughtfully.

James nodded, his mind drifted to where she was. He knew, without a doubt, that the only thing that would assuage the gnawing feeling of unease would be a letter. Writing to her would ease his mind.

Jaime watched his friend and felt a twinge of guilt well up. When the deal had been made, he did not know that one of the few real friendships he had, would be put on the line.


	29. Rosemary for remembrance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are my fate this once and always.
> 
> ~ Atticus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A thousand apologies for the late update my darlings. But here we are...at last.

"When are you going to tell her?"  
  
"Who's to say I ever will?"

Lord Anthony eyed his companion over the rim of his tea cup. "Then who will?"  
  
The Dowager Countess simply smiled and refilled the fine china cup. Delicately stirring in a splash of milk, she sighed, leaning back against the patterned sofa. "When the time is right, she will discover it for herself."  
  
"And when might that be?" Anthony asked, leaning forward to place his cup on the matching saucer. "Will we be waiting until the war is over?"  
  
Lady Katherine shook her head. "Goodness no!"  
  
"Then when?" He demanded, fighting to keep his impatience from showing through too strongly.  
  
"Have patience my dear," she assured him.  
  
"Would you like me to tell you again what I saw that day?" He asked, the words sounding like a warning. His eyes darkened at the memory as a poisonous jealousy began to creep through him. "The way they were tangled together, how she clung to him and he to her. Embracing as though the world was ending."  
  
Lady Katherine paled, as she had the first time he had told her. His descriptions had been so very vivid and had painted an all too clear picture in her mind. It was beyond the point of scandal for her granddaughter to behave in such a loose manner. She had not seen Y/N since they bid goodbye to her brothers three days prior.

It was unlikely that she would heed any words said to her by her grandmother. "You need not say anything more," she whispered, "I will speak with her."

"And you honestly believe that that will do us any good?" Anthony asked, his tone resigned. "Any words from you will surely fall on deaf ears."

Lady Katherine knew this to be true and she sighed. "She is much too wayward. She has been given too much freedom."

"Then we must tame it."

"Easier said than done, I'm afraid."

Silence settle between them as each began to think. Something had to be done, that much was certain.

~ ~ ~

The days blended together and became a mere plane of existence for her. Even her visits to the Narracott farm could not distract her mind enough. Joey and Albert's absence only served to remind her of the harsh new reality.

"Everything alright milady?"

The soft voice of the village's flower seller brought her mind back to the present. Smiling softly, she nodded. "As far as I am aware. How come?"

"Oh its nothing really. You only looked a bit distant is all."

"I suppose I was," she murmured in reply. "What now with the boys gone..." the words trailed into silence.

"Aye, a sad thing indeed," the flower seller agreed, shaking her head in sympathy. "We keep them in our prayers, my husband and I."

Y/N felt herself overcome with emotion. "Thank you," she managed to say, the words whispering out of her.

"For you."

Y/N looked to the woman in confusion. Her brows furrowed slightly as she took the flower the woman held out to her. A poppy, if she remembered correctly.

"For remembrance," the flower seller explained gently.

Y/N swallowed hard. "But the boys have only just left," she whispered.

"You have lost someone," the woman remarked kindly and smiled sadly. "It is for them."

Y/N looked to her, surprised. "What makes you say that?"

"I know what grief looks like, milady. I have seen it in the eyes of my husband when his brother passed on."

Y/N felt her bottom lip begin to quiver. Blinking rapidly, she coughed to clear her throat, the sound coming out choked. She nodded, seeing no point in trying to hide it anymore. "Yes," she whispered, letting a single tear come loose. The words of the telegram flashed through her memory, the pain of them searing through her.

"Oh milady," the older woman soothed, reaching out and gently taking her hand. The one that had a crushing grip on the poppy. "They must have been someone truly special hmm?"

Once again she nodded. "He was."

Sympathy entered the eyes of her companion. Able to do little else, she drew the young noble into an embrace. The weight of grief was taking its toll on her. She felt tears of her own as the young woman returned the gesture. She felt the young lady begin to tremble and only then did she realise that she was weeping. "That's it," she murmured soothingly. "Let it all out, milady. Goodness knows how long you've held it in."

And weep she did. Y/N felt as though she was breaking all over again. She cared not for what picture she might present. "I still love him," she whimpered, clinging to the woman. "I don't think I could ever stop."

"As well you shouldn't," her companion agreed softly, petting her hair. "As well you shouldn't."

Neither knew how long they stood there, uncaring of the eyes of the village. It was Y/N who eventually drew back, wiping her eyes. "I apologise for that display," she said, smiling as best she could.

"Oh hush milady," the woman replied. Reaching to the side, she produced a small brown packet and pressed it into Y/N's palm.

"What is this?"

"Seeds," the woman replied. "Seeds of the flower you hold in your hand."

Fresh tears threatened to break down her cheeks as her hand curled around the gift. "Thank you," she barely managed to say.

"Plant one each day," the flower seller instructed kindly. "Soon you will have a garden of them to remember him by. Although I am sure you do not need flowers for that."

Y/N let out a choked laugh and nodded. "It will help me," she replied, her smile wobbling dangerously at the edges. "I thank you."

"And these," the woman said, presenting a second packet. "Rosemary."

Y/N felt her heart in her throat as she accepted the second gift. "I will tend the garden myself," she vowed, words to which her companion smiled approvingly.

"Aye milady," she agreed. "And while you are there, speak to them. Speak to the flowers of him so that they may grow strong with his memory."

Her broken heart warmed at the thought. "Yes," she said softly, looking fondly down at the seed packets in her palm. "I most certainly will."

The older woman watched her go with a sad smile. That young woman had been broken in ways one should never be. Her grief and broken heart had been on clear display, clearly seen in those beautiful eyes of hers. How she could think to hide it was beyond her. Such emotions are not so easily pushed to the side. This young lady had known a love that could not easily be replaced, if at all.


	30. On familiar ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time I see a shooting star, I wish for you.
> 
> ~ Michael Faudet

Had he expected to see her there? Waiting eagerly by the docks, her eyes scanning the troops of injured soldiers? He had hoped that his letter had explained everything. Yet, he saw no trace of the woman he loved. Her beautiful voice did not call his name as she searched for him. Nor did her eyes light up when they would eventually catch sight of him. She was nowhere to be seen. James fought back the disappointment and the pang of impending heartbreak.

"Everything alright Jim?" Jaime asked from beside him as they waited their turn to be loaded into the waiting ambulances.

He had no answer. He desperately wanted to say "yes", but the word remained lodged in his throat.

"I see," the Major murmured. The look in his friend's eyes said everything he couldn't.

_"How long?" He asked, face buried in her half-done hair. "How long can you bear to wait?" He feared the answer, but he had to know._

_"Forever," she promised, clutching him closer, breath hitching in her throat. "I will wait forever if I have to."_

The pain became too much as his mind's eye sought her out from among his memories. When he needed her most, she was not there. "You promised," he murmured lowly, blue eyes lifting once more the survey the small crowd.

Jamie did not miss anything. "I am certain she received your letter," he assured his friend.

"Then why isn't she here?" James asked, his jaw clenching to keep his emotions at bay. There was no reasonable explanation for this, at least, none that he could accept. This was not like her. Had she suddenly changed her mind while he was gone? Had she seen this as an opportunity to seek out another? NO, he shook his head, dismissing those horrid thoughts. She was undoubtedly on her way. Yes, that was it, he simply had to wait just that little bit longer.

"Jim?" Jamie called to his friend.

"Yes?"

"It is time to go."

James shook his head. "Not yet," he pleaded, "allow me to wait a little longer."

Jamie sighed. "They will not wait forever Jim."

"I know," the Captain replied, looking longingly towards the horizon. Any minute now the towering form of Sapphire would cast a shadow over the streets and buildings of the dockside town.

"Jim," the Major called insistingly.

She wasn't coming. James felt his heart begin to break with every step he took towards the ambulance. Her arms wouldn't hold him, nor would her sweet voice whisper his title in blessed relief.

With a defeated sigh, James climbed as best he could into the waiting vehicle. Even when the doors closed, he kept his gaze trained on the distant horizon where he had seen her stand countless times in his dreams.

Jamie kept his eye on his friend for the duration of their journey. Even when the rolling hills of England's countryside flowed past them James said nothing. No smile curved his lips, there was no joy in his eyes at being home again.

The home to which they were taken was a converted manor house in the country. The family to whom it belonged had given it to the army to use for the duration of the war. Just the sight of it made James want to turn away. Had her family done this too? Had they stretched their hand out and offered assistance to the wounded English soldiers?

The grounds were breathtakingly beautiful, especially now, with everything having received a fine dusting of snow. Winter was upon them and despite being home, James had never felt more alone.

~ ~ ~

The garden was coming along beautifully. Y/N had been sure to shelter the fragile seedlings from the increasingly cold weather. She had constructed a small enclosure in which they now grew.

The lake beside her had long since frozen and yet, Y/N had not once felt the urge to skate upon the smooth surface. Exiting the enclosure, she breathed in deeply, allowing the crisp wintry air into her lungs.

Kneeling on the frozen ground beside the enclosure, she reached out with a gloved hand and swept the snow away from a small stone slab. The material of her gloves smoothed over the engravings in a manner that could only be described as tender. With a sad smile, she traced the letters and numbers. The tears that gathered on her lashes fell onto the stone below.

"I think I started the garden a bit late," she said, laughing softly. "But nevertheless, they appear to be growing. It won't be long now, not long at all until the blooms come." She paused and bit her bottom lip, squeezing her eyes shut.

"They will look beautiful against all this white," she continued in a softer tone. "And when Spring comes," she paused to swallow the sudden lump in her throat. "They will stand tall and proud." Her smile trembled at the edges. ""Its as though they know for whom they grow."

Lifting her hand away, she pressed a soft kiss to her fingertips before touching them to his name. "I would love nothing more than to spend the day out here with you, my love. But I fear duty and familial obligation require my attention too. I will return soon, hopefully before Christmas," she added with a small laugh.

Pushing herself upright, she looked out across the lake and sighed, her warm breath curling before her. Her hair was loose that day, the snow that now fell dusted it and clung to the h/c strands. There was no breeze, nothing to disturb the quiet stillness of a Winter afternoon.

With one final glance downwards, she began to make her way back to the house. The snow crunched beneath her booted feet. Her hands, though gloved, were stuffed into the pockets of her coat.

She stopped short of the house as she caught sight of a familiar motorcar standing idle. Setting her jaw, Y/N continued. There had been no visitors when she had left after breakfast, nor were they expecting any. At least, that she was aware of.

Smiling and nodding to the footman that opened the door for her, Y/N entered the house. Not bothering to even shake the snow from her hair or even pull off her gloves, she made her way directly to her chambers, calling for Hannah as she went.

Her return was not as subtle or unnoticed as perhaps she would have wished. The moment she ascended the stairs from the first landing, Lord Anthony exited the library and spied her. Her somewhat wild appearance ought to have startled him, yet it only furthered the desire to tame her waywardness. There were small puddles of water from the melted snow she had trailed into the house.

Shaking his head, he returned to the sitting rooms where her parents and sister waited, along with her paternal grandmother.

"It seems our dear Y/N has returned," he announced to the small group, all of whom collectively sighed. He did not, however, miss the brief emotion that entered Irene's eyes and left as quickly as it came.

"She always did enjoy the snow," Richard remarked with a fond smile. "Winter is her favourite season."

As Lord Anthony made to reply, the doors opened and Y/N swept in, an apologetic smile at the ready. She made a beeline for her parents and sister. "If I had known that we were expecting company," she paused and glanced at the Lord and the Dowager. "I would have hurried back sooner."

"It is quite alright, my darling," Irene soothed. "You are here now."

"Indeed," Richard agreed. "And right on time too," he paused as he appeared to be fighting a smile.

"On time?" Y/N asked, thoroughly confused. She looked between her parents and both appeared to be on the verge of bursting with happiness. Pride shone from both their faces like the Summer sun. "On time for what exactly?"

"For the announcement of course," Lady Katherine spoke up.

"What announcement?" Y/N asked, dread beginning to colour her confusion a deep red. She fought to keep from shying away when she felt Lord Anthony move to stand beside her.

"Our engagement," he replied, smiling cruelly down at her.

Y/N felt all the blood leave her head. "Our _what?_" She gasped out.

"Congratulations my darling," Irene gushed, sweeping forward and embracing her frozen daughter. "When your grandmother told us the news, we could barely believe it."

Y/N found herself at a complete loss for words. _"I am already engaged," _she desperately wanted to say. _"I have already made my choice."_ But her mouth and throat would not move. _"I chose James." _

Extracting herself gently from the embrace of her parents, she stumbled back out to the entrance hall and clutched her chest. Her breath came harsh and uneven, as though she had just run a great distance. Tears spilled down her cheeks that she did not even bother to wipe away. 

"Overcome with emotion are we?"

Y/N hissed and turned away.

"Now now, that is no way to behave towards your fiance," Lord Anthony tutted mockingly.

"You are not my fiance," she spat. "Nor will you ever be."

"I wish you good luck in telling your parents," he said, sounding far too smug. "For all they know, you _chose _me."

Y/N spun 'round to face him, her eyes murderous.

"Oh yes," he crooned, "I know all about the bargain you struck with them."

"Then you should also know that I had already made my choice," she hissed. "And he accepted long before you spouted that lie to my parents."

"So where is he?" He taunted, "your supposed fiance?"

"Abroad," was all she said before turning on her heels and making directly for the stables.


	31. The course of true love never did run smooth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My somber heart seeks you always. 
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

The still air became a tearing wind as she rode. Her ungloved hands clutched Sapphire's reins. She really ought to have frozen, yet the emotions running through her at present kept the blood pumping through her veins.

The tears on her cheeks froze into glistening trails. She did not see where she rode, only that she wanted to be as far away from that man as possible. The landscape blurred around her, the snow that had fallen gently now became rock-hard pellets. Her styled hair came loose as she bent to duck under a tree branch.

Y/N could not recall just when the shivering set in, only that her teeth began to chatter violently the moment she was doused in the freezing water of a woodland brook. Her grip on the reins became stiff as feeling began to leave her hands.

_'Come on,' _she thought to herself, _'hold on for a little longer.'_

Sapphire continued to run.

Y/N felt her thoughts begin to travel in directions that made her heart clench painfully. She saw his eyes materialise before her and a broken sob tore past her purple lips. When she blinked however, they were gone. Just as he was.

The water from the brook had long since frozen on her skin and the silken material of her gown. As Sapphire ran, Y/N's heart began to slow. Even though the cold was biting, she felt her eyelids grow heavy. She felt the overwhelming need to sleep.

She did not remember falling. Her pale frostbitten hands slipped from the reins as Sapphire took a turn. Her eyes had fallen shut and her body fell to the side, slipping from the saddle onto the frozen ground beneath.

That was how they found her. A young woman lying unconscious beneath a towering black horse. Her skin glistened with the frost crystals of frozen water. Her lips were such a dark purple that they appeared almost black.

The horse, a mare, appeared to be acting as a guardian for the young woman and eyed them warily as they approached her. Reluctantly she stepped to the side as they knelt by the young woman.

Immediately they felt for her pulse, laying two fingers gently along her throat. "Is there a pulse?" One of them, a young man, asked.

The second, his companion, nodded. "Very weak, but it's there. We have to get her warm."

"Yes Sir, we will bring her to the house then, with the others. I am sure there will be room for one more."

Sapphire followed close behind as they bundled her mistress in a thick-looking blanket and lifted her into the back of the truck. She continued to follow as the truck neared a rather grand looking house, much like the one in which her mistress lived.

Immediately nurses flooded out of the main entrance, while a stable hand took charge of Sapphire, gently urging her towards the stable with the promise of warm hay and a clean stall. Sapphire however, could only be moved when she saw her mistress be carried into the house.

The two young men that had found her immediately relayed what had happened to the nurses, who went to prepare one of the rooms left by the family who owned the house. Her arrival became a thing of gossip among the convalescing soldiers and the nurses who attended them.

"How long has she been like this?" Asked the nurse who had prepared the room. She was a middle-aged woman with glistening chestnut hair and kind green eyes.

"We do not know," answered one of the two men, a Corporal in the Medical Corps.

"We can only hope you found her before any real damage has set in," the nurse replied and silently dismissed them before turning to her young patient. She looked awful. Her hair was wild and run through with twigs and brambles. Thin lacerations decorated her arms and cheeks. Her skin was cold to the touch and her chest rose and fell too subtly for her liking. 

"Lets get you out of these wet things shall we," she murmured and began to gently peel the sodden fabric from the young woman's prone form. It looked to have once been a rather elegant gown, but was now sadly ruined by the water and numerous tears.

Having redressed her patient in warm and dry clothes, the nurse, whose name was Anna-Maria, began to brush through the tangled mass of hair and sighed. What was a young woman such as this doing out there in such attire? It was obvious that she was of noble birth and her clothing further suggested a higher class. What had driven her to do such a reckless thing?

Having finished with the hair and having brushed it nicely, Anna-Maria sat on the edge of the bed beside her patient and carefully took one of her hands in hers. She cupped the cold limb in both of her warm ones. It alarmed the nurse just how pale the skin was, almost blue.

The fire at her back had warmed the room nicely and she could only hope and pray that the young woman would wake soon.

~ ~ ~

Sapphire shifted in her stall. Her mistress's agitation and distress had become her own. Y/N had said nothing to her as she had hurriedly saddled and bridled her. But Sapphire had seen it. The quivering of her bottom lip as she valiantly tried to hold her emotions back and the trail of escaped tears.

"Run," she had said, "run my darling. Run as fast and as far as you can. Only get me away from here."

Sapphire had heard those words from her mistress before, many times. Only, she had always been wearing clothing that was suitable to the weather outside. She could see, as well as anyone, that Y/N was already cold and shivering in the thin silk evening gown.

And so she ran.

She ran until she felt her mistress fall from her back. Her prone form had alarmed her. Never before had she seen Y/N look like that. So close to death. Had that been her plan all along? Risk the extremities that the English winter brought in order to be like him, her beloved Captain? Just what had happened back at the house for Y/N to act like this? Sapphire had seen the Dowager's motorcar and suspected that she undoubtedly had had a hand in this.

Movement from the stable entrance caught Sapphire's attention.

"Are you sure you ought to be walking around?"

Her ears pricked at the sound of the first voice and turned her head to look more clearly at the speakers.

"I know I am," said the second man, who appeared to be leaning rather heavily on a cane. "And besides, I need to be moving. I do not enjoy being cooped up nearly as much as you do."

"Come now," his companion said, smiling as they fully entered the stables. "I may not enjoy the outdoors as you and Jamie do, but I do-"

"Appreciate nature," his friend finished for him, a smile in his voice.

"Precisely."

"That's strange."

"What is?" His companion asked as they continued coming nearer.

"You would think that the stable would be full of horses, yet there's only one."

"Perhaps they took the horses with them when they left?"

"And left only one?"

"Maybe it belongs to the butler."

"James please, when have you heard of a butler owning a horse in a family such as this?"

James? Sapphire's eyes widened as she craned her neck out of her stall. She had only seen him a handful of times, not nearly as much as Y/N had. No wonder his voice had seemed so familiar.

"That one seems rather eager," the man beside the Captain said laughingly.

He said nothing as he approached the horse. He was silent as his blue eyes took in the sight before him. His lips moved to form words that were never spoken. Until he finally managed one, her name. "Sapphire?"

"You know this horse?"

James nodded, unable to do much else. What was Y/N's prized and beloved steed doing here, of all places? His hand trembled as he reached out to lay it gently on the Friesian's muzzle.

"Might I ask how?"

"She is Y/N's."

Charlie fell silent with realisation. He had seen James's sketch many times, mostly inadvertently. "What is she doing here?" He asked quietly.

"I do not know," James replied, unable to take his eyes off the animal before him.

As though in answer, Sapphire butted his shoulder and nodded her head towards the house.

Confused, James blinked at her. "What is it darling girl?"

Again, Sapphire nodded towards the house. _"She is in there!"_ She wanted to say, her right foreleg pawing the ground.

"I think she wants you to go inside," Charlie murmured, eyeing the horse.

"Is that it?" James asked her, his blue eyes meeting hers.

As though she understood him, Sapphire nodded and nuzzled his cheek as she often did with Y/N. _"I do. Go. She is there."_

Nodding absently, James pressed a gentle kiss to her muzzle before departing. But not before briefly resting his forehead to hers.

Charlie followed his friend back out into the cold as they made their way back to the house. The moment they entered the house, James noticed that something was not quite right. The atmosphere had changed.

"What has happened?" He asked one of the nurses.

"A young woman was brought in," she replied, shifting the load of clean sheets she carried. "She looked closer to death than anyone here."

"A young woman?" James repeated, his heart beginning to act rather abnormally.

The nurse nodded. "They found her near the border of the estate. Almost frozen to death."

"What did she look like? Did you see?"

She shook her head. "I didn't, no. But I heard they took her upstairs."

Muttering a quick thanks, James made for the stairs, only to be stopped by Charlie. "It may not be her, James."

"I have to know," he replied, pulling himself free.

"Even after she left you waiting at the docks?" Said another voice, Jamie.

James flinched at the memory.

"It is not worth getting your hopes up Jim."

"I have to know," he repeated softly, his eyes turning upwards.

Jamie exchanged a look with Charlie as they let their friend go.


	32. To rob me of my pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Never underestimate a young soul protecting a breakable heart. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

_"Then you should also know that I had already made my choice," she hissed. "And he accepted long before you spouted that lie to my parents."_

Her words echoed all around him as he paced before the roaring fireplace in the library. She had left more than two hours ago and it was beginning to darken. Surely she was not still there, holed up in the hay? Lord Anthony stopped before one of the numerous windows and glared out into the wintry landscape. Her fiery defiance riled him, it seemed respect would be yet another thing he would have to teach her.

Suspicion began to creep its way to the forefront of his thoughts. Suspicion as to who this supposed fiance of hers could be. Did her grandmother know of this?

Growling, he kicked at the thick carpet. Heavens! She tested him, and not merely his patience either. Just what was she thinking, running off like that and not telling a soul? He was willing to bet that her dear parents and darling sister had not the slightest clue as to where she was.

What about that loyal lapdog of hers? Oh what was her name? Hannah, that was it! Yes, undoubtedly she knew where her wayward mistress was. Decision made, Lord Anthony left the library and made for the stairs, intent on seeking her out.

Upon reaching the second floor, he eagerly scanned the adjoining hallways searching for any sign of the maid. His dark eyes widened a fraction as he saw her step out into the hallway to his right, closing a door behind her. Her mistress's chamber no doubt. Over her arm she carried a small bundle of clothing and a pair of boots were clutched in her hand.

"Miss Osborne?"

With a startled yelp, Hannah looked up at the speaker. "Oh my lord, forgive me," she said, placing her free hand over her racing heart. "I did not see you there."

Waving away the maid's apology, he asked her, "would you by any chance know where your mistress might be? I am unable to locate her."

Hannah did not answer right away. Blinking, she furrowed her brows in thought. After a short moment she replied with a shake of her head. "The last I knew, she went down to dinner with the family. If she is not there," she paused and shrugged her shoulders. "Then I am afraid I do not know."

"Are you certain?"

Hannah looked at him with mild shock at his poorly disguised threat. Nevertheless, she answered with unwavering honesty. "Indeed, my lord. Now, if you'll be so kind as to excuse me," she bobbed a curtsy, "I do have work to be getting on with."

Lord Anthony watched her through narrowed eyes. A heavy sigh hissed through his clenched teeth. The moment the maid disappeared around the corner his attention snapped to the door she had come out of. An idea blossomed, an idea that could very well provide him with the answers he so desperately sought.

Making sure of his surroundings, he moved silently into the hallway and only stopped when her door stood before him. Reaching out, he grasped the handle in a sure, determined grip. If no one was willing to give him answers, then he would have to find them himself. Propriety be damned.

He did not know what to expect when he opened the door and stepped through and closed it behind him. The room was neat and tidy and offered a beautiful view of the estate grounds. A vanity table sat by the tall windows while a lively fire danced in the hearth. Beside the canopy bed stood a low cabinet upon which rested a vase of dark crimson roses and white yarrow flowers. Beneath the vase sat the near burnt-out stump of a candle and a book Y/N was in the middle of reading.

Lord Anthony did not know what exactly he was looking for, only that he needed proof of his suspicion. Something, anything. Anything at all.

Having searched through the bedside cabinet and having combed through Y/N's rather extensive collection of novels, he had found nothing. Had she perhaps said that to deflect his claim to her hand? Had that been her way of rejecting his offer of marriage? Had she _lied? _He was rather surprised to find that he was not at all shocked by this, that she would do something so scandalous as to lie.

His dark eyes swept over her room one final time before they landed on her vanity. Like the bedside cabinet, it bore a vase of flowers. Only this time, the white yarrow stood alone in the vase. A malicious smile curved his thin lips as he made his way over.

At first glance, all that could be seen was an arrangement of neatly organised perfumes, creams and make-up products. That was until he saw the ribbon. A tiny sliver peeking out of one of the vanity's two drawers.

A sky blue ribbon.

Carefully pulling the drawer open, he saw a neatly stacked collection of opened letters held together by said ribbon. Lifting the letters from the drawer, he slipped the ribbon off and began to eagerly read through them. Y/N, it seemed, was in constant communication with her maternal aunt and grandparents, as the letters from them were numerous in number. So much so, that Lord Anthony almost gave up. Then he saw it, the cold impersonal script of a typewriter. A telegram.

Setting the remaining letters to the side, he opened the little envelope and unfolded the paper. His eyes lit up as he read the typed words that had torn her world to shreds. In places the ink ran, as though a small amount of water had dropped on them. Her tears, he realised, she had wept while reading this.

The last words between them ran through his mind.

_"So where is he?" He taunted, "your supposed fiance?"_

_"Abroad," was all she said before turning on her heels and making directly for the stables._

"So you did lie after all," he murmured, delighted with his find. "He is dead." To him, even though he spoke the words, they sounded like music. She was free, she was _his_.

Curious, he went a step further and found letters not only from her family, but also from the very man mentioned in the telegram. They were dated as being before he was killed. His vision began to tint red at the edges the more he read. The way this man spoke to her awoke a fierce jealousy in the Lord. None more so than in the letter where he accepted her proposal just like she said he had.

_"...my very soul sings for joy at the words you have written. Your decision has humbled me beyond reason and moreover has made me the happiest man alive. Of course I will accept you, my darling, my dearest. To be chosen by you, to be loved by you is a far greater reward than any material wealth. _

_Surely you must know how dearly I will fight to return to you. For my heart, my soul, my very being will not be at peace until I hold you in my arms once more. _

_Yours eternally,_

_Captain James Nicholls "_

With a barely suppressed growl of rage, he clenched his fist around the letter. Creasing it beyond repair. Then, with forced calmness, he gathered the letters together once more, slipping the ribbon back in place. The telegram however, he had omitted from the collection. Now with tangible proof of his victory, he left her room the way he had left it. Or so he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dark crimson rose is said to symbolise mourning and the yarrow is said to symbolise everlasting love.


	33. I love you with so much of my heart that none is left to protest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The most beautiful sound in the world to me is not forest birdsong or babbling brooks or even the ringing of church bells. It's hearing you whisper, 'I love you', over and over again. 
> 
> ~ Michael Faudet (I Love You)

His hand trembled like a leaf in autumn as it hovered hesitantly over the door handle. Taking a deep, if not stuttering breath, he opened the door and stepped through. Night had fallen, leaving the fire and a few candles as the only sources of light in the room.

The room was empty, save for a lone figure on the bed. His breath caught as his eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. There she was. It was her. But now, she appeared more as a spectre than as a living breathing human being. Approaching the bed with slow cautious steps, James began to notice just how pale she really was. Her chest rose and fell, as though she was merely sleeping. Upon further inspection he noticed a chair had been pulled up beside the bed, and yet it was unoccupied.

Her hair was fanned out around her, the strands shimmering in the firelight. He did not dare sit, for fear he would never leave.

"Here you are," he whispered, not daring to speak louder. "When I saw Sapphire in the stables and when they told me a young woman had been found, I hardly dared to hope-" he broke off and looked down, feeling the tears gather in his eyes. Blinking them away, he looked to her again. "Yet here you are, looking paler than death-" the sudden lump in his throat choked off any words as he reached forward, desperate to hold her hand in his.

Though bandaged, he lifted her hand to his lips and pressed an ardent kiss to her knuckles, his tears soaking into the fabric. "Your hands are so cold," he murmured, moving to sit on the edge of the bed beside her. "Why did you not come?" He asked, blue eyes drinking in her features, ones he had longed to see again ever since that morning by the docks. "I wrote to you, why did you not come?"

No answer came as James looked down at her.

"I have longed for our reunion the moment we parted," he continued, reaching out with his other hand to gently touch her hair. "To see your face and to hear your sweet voice call to me. My heart broke when I did not see you there, waiting for me, like you said." He paused, his thumb moving to lightly trace the line of her cheekbone. "So I began to fear the worst. That you had found another, someone more worthy of you than I. For who am I really? A poor soldier, even if a Captain."

By all the stars in the sky, he wished she would open her eyes.

"The truth of the matter is," he said, voice trembling, his eyes vulnerable. "I love you. There it is. In all its simplicity. And if you have found happiness in the arms of another then I shall do my utmost to be happy for you. For your happiness is all that matters to me. My dear sweet darling. My love. I will not hold you to your promise to wait for me. As much as my heart tells me I should."

Leaning forward, James pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and lingered there, a single tear dropping onto her warming skin. "I love you," he whispered against her skin. "I always will, nothing will ever change that."

Reluctantly letting go of her hand, he stood up and smiled down at her before turning and leaving the room, closing the door softly behind him.

As she returned to her patient's room, Anna-Maria was sure she saw the shape of someone move down the hall, away from her. Shrugging, she entered and returned to her seat. She was not there long when a faint rustling came from the bed. Looking up, she gasped softly as the young woman slowly blinked her eyes open.

"Where am I?" She asked, her voice a hoarse whisper as her eyes struggled to take stock of her surroundings.

Anna-Maria smiled kindly and stood. "You are in one of the guest bedrooms at the Graywall Estate in Devon. You were found near frozen to death by the estate border."

This news seemed to spark something in the young woman. "Who are you?"

"My name is Anna-Maria Gregson," the nurse replied. "Lord and Lady Graywall have given over their estate to the army for the duration of the war. I am a nurse."

The young woman merely nodded. Her e/c eyes widened however as they landed on her bandaged hands. "What happened to me?"

"Frostbite. As your skin began to warm, blisters formed."

"Why is one of them slightly wet?" She asked softly.

Moving forward, Anna-Maria took the hand she had indicated and noticed a spot of damp near the knuckles. "I do not know," she replied, mystified.

"Did anyone come and speak to me?" The young woman asked suddenly.

"Not that I am aware of," the nurse replied, shaking her head thoughtfully. "Why?"

"I thought I heard someone," she replied as her eyes began to mist over with tears. "But now I know it was merely a dream. For who I heard could not possibly have done so in reality."

"What makes you say that?" Anna-Maria asked, sitting down once more and leaning forward. "Who is it that you believed you heard?"

The woman smiled sadly and began to twist her bandaged hands. "James," she replied in a whisper. "My fiance."

"And why could he not have actually done so?"

"Because he died," she answered, swallowing hard and biting her bottom lip. "In France, fighting the Germans."

Anna-Maria felt her heart swell with sympathy for the young woman before her. "He was a soldier then?"

She nodded, a faint look of pride entering her sad eyes. "A Captain, yes. A Captain in the Cavalry." She paused and smiled, the expression shaky but proud. "Captain James Nicholls."

Anna-Maria froze upon hearing the name. It sounded familiar. Much too familiar to be a coincidence. She was certain there was someone by that name in that very house with them.

"He had the most beautiful blue eyes," her patient was saying, her own eyes faraway. "Kind and gentle, as he was. His hair seemed to be spun from the purest gold, for the way it shimmered in the sun when he would take off his cap."

Now the nurse was sure she had seen him before. Her mind flashed back to when she had seen someone near her patient's room. Could that have been him? Had he known she was there?

"You know," Anna-Maria said, smiling gently. "I have completely forgotten to ask your name."

The young woman hesitated a little before answering. "Grace Westcliff."

"I would very much like to believe that you are telling me the truth," Anna-Maria said, levelling a questioning look at her. "But your hesitance to tell me your name tells me otherwise."

"If I tell you my true name," the young woman replied, "you must promise me that you will not tell another living soul."

"Why would I need to promise something like that?"

"Because I am begging you."

With a sigh, Anna-Maria relented.

And so the young woman introduced herself as one Lady Y/N Hadleigh. She told the nurse everything. From her grandmother's schemes, to her and James's meeting and then further to the dreaded telegram and her engagement to a man she did not love.

"So you see," she said as her story came to an end, "that is why I have asked that of you. My family, as well as my _other_ fiance, are no doubt looking for me. I do not wish to be found, at least for the moment. If I am right as I fear I am, then my family's estate is bordering this one. The Graywalls are our neighbours, our two families have known each other for generations."

"And you fear that this will be the first place they will come looking," Anna-Maria surmised with a heavy sigh.

"Indeed," Y/N replied, nodding gravely.

"What would you do," Anna-Maria asked, changing the topic, "if he were alive? Your James."

Y/N let out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. With bandaged hands she quickly wiped away any stray tears. "For days after I received that horrid message I tried to convince myself that it was all a mistake. That they had somehow gotten it wrong. That there was no way he was gone. I even hid the telegram with my other letters. Every morning I would wake, hoping that it was all a dreadful nightmare. But then I would see them, with the telegram sitting on top and my delusion would be shattered." Looking up from her lap, she met the nurse's eyes. "So I am afraid I cannot do as you ask. For should I do that, should I allow my heart to dream once more of things long gone, I am not sure I will be able to face reality again."

As Anna-Maria continued to listen, a decision was made.

"Oh, what I would give to see him just one more time," Y/N murmured, mostly to herself, her heart in her eyes. "Just one more time."

"What would you do if you had that time?"

Y/N smiled wistfully. "I would tell him that I love him. That I will always love him and that nothing in world could ever make me stop." After a brief pause, she continued. "I would never let him go." Then, in a voice spoken straight from the heart, she said, "I should never have let him go."

As her words trailed into silence, Anna-Maria rose from her position by the bed to stoke the fire. "You are fortunate indeed, my Lady."

"How so?" She asked, confused.

"You have found a love that many of your kind never do. The one that even my kind rarely find. Yes, you may have lost him," she moved to stand by the bed and reached out to smooth her hair away from her face. "But what is most beautiful is that you found him in the first place."

Y/N nodded and smiled as best she could.

"I will leave you to get some rest, for in the morning there is something I must tell you."

But before Anna-Maria closed the door, Y/N elicited one final promise from her. "Promise me you won't tell anyone my name."

The nurse chuckled and nodded. "If anyone from your family's estate should come knocking, I will be sure to keep knowledge of your presence from them."

Y/N sighed and sank back into the pillows. "Thank you."

As Anna-Maria closed the door behind her, she let out a heavy sigh. Before she gave her work to the night nurses, there was a certain Captain who needed to be spoken to.


	34. Love is begun by time, and time qualifies the spark and fire of it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to fill my mouth with your name.
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

"Hannah? Might I speak with you for a moment?"

Nodding, the maid bobbed a curtsy. "Of course, your Ladyship."

Irene smiled and gestured for Hannah to walk beside her. "Is everything alright with Y/N? I have not seen her since she dashed off last night."

"I do believe she retired early," Hannah replied, lying a little too smoothly for her liking. "She was quite overwhelmed." The news of the impending marriage had spread through the house like wildfire and all the staff knew about it.

Irene hummed in thoughtful agreement before speaking again. "When she comes down for breakfast, can you please tell her that I wish to speak with her?"

"I am afraid that might prove to be impossible, your Ladyship."

Irene raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"When I spoke with her this morning, she wished to spend the day alone."

"Did she just?" Irene murmured, clearly thinking.

"Indeed, your Ladyship."

"Tell me Hannah," the Countess said, voice a little louder as she addressed the maid. "Has my daughter ever confided in you something that may have hinted at a choice?"

"Choice, your Ladyship?" Hannah asked, beginning to suspect where this was going.

Sighing, Irene began to explain. "I know you and my daughter are close and that she trusts you. Did she ever mention, even in passing, the bargain she struck with me and his Lordship?"

Hannah's eyes widened a fraction as she realised what the Countess was talking about. She nodded, yes, Y/N had indeed mentioned something of the sort. "Yes, your Ladyship. I do believe she did."

"Excellent," Irene said, clearly relieved. "Now Hannah, what I am about to ask is quite personal, so if Lady Y/N has not said anything, then please say so plainly."

Hannah nodded in understanding. "Of course, your Ladyship."

Irene did not speak right away. Instead she seemed to ponder over how indeed to phrase the question. After a short while, she finally spoke, her tone much softer. "Before the announcement last night, has my daughter ever shown preference, or perhaps favour, towards anyone in particular? I believe you know what I mean by this?"

"I do, your Ladyship," Hannah replied, nodding. After a short pause, she answered the Countess's first question. "The answer to your first question is yes, your Ladyship."

Irene pursed her lips in thought and nodded. "I thought as much," she murmured.

"Your Ladyship?"

"The way she behaved," Irene replied, still softly but loud enough for Hannah to hear. "As though it were all unexpected, as though she had no idea of this. She acted much too surprised."

Hannah was silent as she thought over the Countess's words. Then, when she did speak, the words were whispered. "She didn't choose Lord Anthony at all, did she?"

Irene shook her head and looked Hannah solemnly in the eye. "I do not believe she did. Did she ever hint at having already made a choice?"

Hannah thought for a moment, silent as she searched her memories for even the briefest point in time. Her heart sank as a memory crashed into her.

"Judging by that look in your eyes," Irene said, sighing heavily, "she did, didn't she?"

The maid nodded and pressed her lips into a thin line. The sympathy she had felt for her mistress then had never quite faded. Oh how she wished she had never stumbled upon that dreadful message.

"Who was it?" Irene asked as though dreading the answer.

Hannah took a deep breath and swallowed. "He was a Captain," even now her voice began to tremble. "I believe they met in London."

Irene's eyes widened before she closed them as she bowed her head, nodding slightly. "Yes," she whispered, her tone heavy with emotion. "They most certainly did." She smiled slightly as she remembered seeing the two of them together, as thick as thieves. Then she frowned, lifting her gaze back to Hannah. "You said he _was_ a Captain. Is he not one now? Is that why Lady Y/N said nothing to us?"

Hannah shook her head. "No, your Ladyship."

"Then why-?" Irene cut herself off as the answer came to her. She gasped softly and brought a hand to cover her mouth. "He is-? Did he-?"

Hannah nodded. "Yes," she whispered. "Lady Y/N received a telegram bearing the news."

"My poor darling," Irene whispered, the pain in her voice almost tangible. "She told you this?" She asked Hannah.

"No," the maid admitted. "I stumbled across it entirely by accident. I realised too late what it was."

"Does she know that you know?"

Hannah shook her head. "I do not know. She has said nothing to me that might hint that she does."

"I see," the Countess murmured. "Well, at least now I know for sure."

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand your Ladyship."

"It is quite alright Hannah," Irene replied, smiling and patting her hand. "You may tell Lady Y/N that she may take as long as she needs. In the meantime, I shall be taking tea with Lady Katherine. There is much to be discussed." With those words, she swept towards the manor entrance where a footman supplied the Countess with her coat and muff.

Blinking in mild confusion, Hannah shook her head to clear it. In truth, the whereabouts of her mistress were unknown to her. Although, she did suspect one location in particular. Hurrying to fetch her own coat, she left the house and made her way not to the stables, but to where Y/N had taken to spending hours each day. It did not take her long to walk there. Yet, she stopped short as her keen eyes locked onto a much taller figure standing by the enclosure Y/N had built.

Setting her jaw, the maid continued, intent on giving the intruder a piece of her mind. Oh, she knew very well who it was. A nasty smile contorted her young features. "Come to pay your respects?" She asked, eyes hardening like the ice on the lake.

If Lord Anthony was surprised to see her there, he gave nothing away. He merely turned and gave Hannah a cursory glance. "She built this, didn't she?"

Hannah sighed and folded her arms. "Indeed she did, my Lord. Every bit of it. This is all her work."

"For _him,"_ the older man spat, his eyes narrowing as he glanced at the stone slab at their feet. "Her precious Captain."

Hannah fought to maintain her composure. Her gloved hands had long since balled into fists. "How did you know of this?" She asked, eyes going to where the Captain's name was carved into the marble. "Did she tell you?"

"She didn't have too."

Hannah's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by that?"

In answer, Lord Anthony held up the stolen telegram, drawing a horrified gasp from her maid.

"My Lord that is private!" Hannah exclaimed, paling at seeing something so personal to her mistress having been taken without permission.

"Might I remind you that she is my fiance?" Lord Anthony hissed, "and you are but a maid? What is hers is also mine."

"Then I shall remind you of something too, _My Lord_," Hannah seethed, spitting his title. "That you are not yet married? And before she was your fiance, she was his. She _chose _him," she smiled, delighting in the fury evident in his eyes. "She chose him because she _loves_ him."

"He is dead," Lord Anthony sneered.

"But her love for him is not," Hannah retorted before turning on her heels and storming off.

~ ~ ~

"Oh my Lady," Anna-Maria said by way of greeting, smiling widely. "You are looking well on the way to being fully mended."

Y/N giggled and nodded. "I still feel a little weak, but I am no doubt on the mend."

"That is excellent to hear, my Lady. For there is breakfast to be had," the nurse replied winking and walking to the door and opening it to wheel in a table that bore a laden tray.

Y/N laughed softly and smiled. "I do not think I will be able to manage all that."

"We shall see about that," Anna-Maria said, waggling her eyebrows and making Y/N laugh even more. "You are quite the bonny picture when you smile, my Lady," she said fondly.

Y/N felt a blush heat her cheeks and ducked her head.

"Come now, there is no need for that, my Lady," Anna-Maria admonished gently. "Eat up and after, when a little more of your strength has returned, we shall take a turn about the house."

"We're not going outside are we?" Y/N asked, she had only just gotten warm. She didn't fancy getting cold again so soon.

Anna-Maria laughed and shook her head. "No, my Lady. We are staying inside for the moment."

With a relieved sigh, Y/N began to eat under the watchful eye of her nurse. Anna-Maria, while her patient was eating, made sure to stoke the fire to keep the room comfortably warm.

A short while later, Y/N leaned back against the pillows, a near-contented smile on her face.

"There now, milady, what did I tell you?" Anna-Maria asked, her eyes sparkling.

Y/N smiled sheepishly and nodded. "Alright, I admit defeat."

Winking, the nurse took the tray from the bed and placed it back on the table for the maids to come and collect.

"Now, are we feeling a little stronger after a bit of nourishment?"

Y/N grinned and nodded. "A little, yes."

Turning away from the bed, Anna-Maria retrieved something before turning back to her patient, in her arms was a simple, yet elegant and comfortable winter gown.

Y/N gasped softly. "Where did you get that? It isn't mine."

"It is for me to know," Anna-Maria replied smiling, "and for you to wear. You can't very well go walking through a house full of soldiers in nought but a nightgown."

"I suppose you're right," Y/N sighed and began to move slowly to the edge of the bed. She hissed softly as her bandaged hands touched the bedposts when she clutched them for support.

"Slow and steady milady," Anna-Maria reassured her calmly. "There is no hurry."

Y/N smiled gratefully and moved to stand, and almost collapsed. Her legs were a little too weak to carry her weight on their own.

Slowly but surely Anna-Maria helped her patient ready herself. Almost an hour later, Y/N was attired in the 'borrowed' gown and leaning heavily on her nurse for support. "There we are milady. Ready to face the world I'd say."

Y/N huffed out a laugh and shook her head. "I know that to be far from the truth. But I appreciate the sentiment nonetheless."

"Come along," Anna-Maria guided her gently from the room, allowing the young woman's hand to clutch hers in a death grip.

Y/N was mortified at how long it took her to walk from her borrowed room, down the stairs and to the ground floor. With every step she took her legs threatened to give out beneath her. Without Anna-Maria by her side, she was sure she would have collapsed in a heap right at the beginning.

She barely heard the greetings and words spoken by the nurses and soldiers they passed. Anna-Maria seemed content to speak on her behalf and return their greetings.

"Anywhere in particular you would like to go milady?" Anna-Maria asked softly, making sure no one heard the way she addressed her patient.

Y/N appeared to think for a moment before coming to a decision. A nostalgic smile curved her lips as she nodded. "Yes. I believe there is. The library, I would always make a point of visiting it when we came here."

Anna-Maria nodded and smiled, her eyes twinkling. "The library it is. Although you must be prepared for the presence of others there too."

Y/N nodded in understanding. "Of course." With those words, she gripped the nurse's hand a little tighter as they began to move.

Before long the twin mahogany doors of the Graywall library stood before them.

"Shall I open the doors or would you like too?" Anna-Maria asked Y/N.

Y/N did not even have to think for that one. She knew her strength had not quite returned and she had no desire to embarrass herself in front of complete strangers. "I think it would be best if you did."

Nodding in assent, Anna-Maria reached forward with her free hand and turned the handle pushing gently on the doors so that they swung open silently.

Y/N smiled upon seeing the familiar room and readied herself for the expected presence of a stranger as Anna-Maria had said. Yet, her searching gaze only fell upon one other person.

"Captain?" Anna-Maria said from beside her.

Y/N felt all the blood leave her head and her heart began to race in her chest. A sound that was a hybrid of a sob and a gasp left her trembling lips when the man turned. The weak morning sun glinting gently off his blonde hair. Her vision swam with tears that soon seared their way down her cheeks. Her trembling lips twitched with half-formed words and with a trembling hand she made to cover her mouth before finally reaching out.

When at last she did speak, she said but one word. His name. "James?"

With a heartbreakingly tender smile he nodded. "Yes, my love."


	35. Oh plunge me deep in love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In one kiss, you'll know all I haven't said. 
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

_"James?"_

How many times had he imagined her saying his name? How often had he thought of what it might sound like as it rolled off her tongue? That one word, spoken in a voice more fragile than glass, was heavy with more emotions than he could possibly ever name. And what else could he do but smile at her and reply with as much as affection as she had. "Yes my love."

James barely noticed it when she let go of the nurse's hand, only that one minute she was standing and the next, she was in his arms, cradled against him. Her head over his heart.

"You're alive," she whispered, e/c eyes staring up at him, glossy with unshed tears. "You're alive." Then her hands were everywhere they could reach, skimming and touching. "You're alive."

"Of course I am," he replied hoarsely, burying his face in her shoulder as he clutched her close. The scent and feel of her surrounded him, wrapping him in a loving embrace. "Of course I am." Bending at the waist and being mindful of his healing shoulder, he lifted her and carried her to one of the library's sofas. The one before a rather active fireplace.

Settling her against him, James looked down at her, unable to look away. Finally she was here. They were here. Locked in each other's arms after an eternity apart. Then, her hands were lightly dancing over the plains and contours of his face. He did not notice the rough fabric of the bandages as he became utterly lost in her eyes. Those beautifully enchanting eyes that now sparkled brighter than any star as she beheld him.

And what else could he do but press a tender kiss to her palm as she gently cupped his face? A gesture that drew a choked sob from within her. "You came back," she said softly, eyes following him as he bent to kiss the inside of her wrist. "You're really here."

Meeting her gaze with his, James nodded. "Nothing would keep me away."

Then she giggled and though she was weeping, she was smiling. She smiled through her tears as her hands moved up and her fingers lightly threaded themselves through the soft strands of his hair. "My James," she murmured, her eyes and voice filled with awe and wonder.

He inhaled sharply as she said it again. "Please," he implored her, "say it again."

With as much strength she could muster, she sat up and wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his chest. "My James," she whispered. Tears of joy fell from her eyes and onto the collar of his uniform.

"Y/N," he gasped out her name, with no title to precede it. "My beautiful, precious Y/N."

She nodded against him before lifting her eyes, her hands then moved until they cupped his face once more. Her bandaged thumbs moved to caress the lines of his cheekbones. "Will you kiss me?" She asked, beautiful hope shining from her eyes.

James merely nodded before bending slightly and meeting her lips halfway.

"I love you," she whispered the moment they parted, foreheads kissing as their lips just had. "I love you so much."

"And I you," he replied, voice trembling. "I never stopped."

"Me neither," she said, smiling before tilting her face so that their lips might meet again. A gesture he all too happily reciprocated.

So lost were they in each other that neither noticed the presence of another. Charlie had come looking for James, yet he stopped short when he saw them. Y/N curled against him, head tucked under his chin, his arms encircling her as hers were wrapped around his waist.

Neither heard him as he slowly and quietly left the library, making sure his cane did not accidentally knock into anything.

"Why did you not come to the docks?" James asked quietly, tracing soft patterns on her arms.

"When?" She asked, genuinely confused.

"Two days ago."

"Two days ago I believed you to be dead," Y/N replied, her voice dropping to a trembling whisper. "How was I to know any different?"

James could only see raw honesty in her eyes as she met his gaze. "I wrote to you," he explained gently. "I wrote of all that had happened and not to lose hope. I wrote that I had been injured and was being sent home."

Y/N blinked and shook her head slowly as though in thought. "I received no such letter," she murmured. "The last letter I received from you was when you agreed with my decision. That was a day before I received the telegram telling me that you-" cutting herself off, she swallowed past the lump in her throat and took a deep breath. "That was the last time I heard from you."

"I know for certain that I sent it," James said, "I made sure that I did."

"I am sure you did, my love," Y/N replied and sighed, "but it never came to me." After pausing for a moment, she spoke again. "Had I known, I would have been there in a heartbeat."

"I know," James whispered, kissing her crown and nuzzling her hair. "That is why my heart broke when I did not see you there. My mind, in a desperate attempt to rationalise the situation, had me believe that you had found happiness with another."

Y/N gasped softly and shook her head, her heart aching at the very thought of him looking expectantly for her and then believing that she had left him for another. "No," she said gently, "no, my love. How could I possibly find happiness with someone that is not you?" Reaching up, she cupped his cheek to bring his eyes to hers once more. "How could I possibly love another when you hold my heart?"

"As you hold mine," James whispered, turning to kiss her palm and lean into her touch.

"But there is something you must know," Y/N said, her tone turning grave. Her eyes dropped to her lap.

Alarmed, James asked, "what is it? Has something happened?"

Y/N nodded, still avoiding his gaze. "I'm afraid so."

"Well?"

Closing her eyes for a brief moment, Y/N let out an unsteady breath and set her jaw. Still she did not look up. "I am engaged, to another man."

James forgot how to breathe. Surely he had misheard? "Pardon?" He asked, choking out the word.

"I did not want it," she protested, hating herself for the obvious pain in his eyes. "My parents believe I chose him."

"And did you?"

"You know I did not," she said, taking a firm hold of one of his hands and lacing their fingers together. "I chose you. Remember?"

"Of course I do," James replied, his arm tightening around her. "But why did you never tell your parents?"

Y/N sighed sadly. "I had every intention of doing so. But before I ever got the chance, the telegram arrived and my world shattered. My family does not know of it."

"You would have told them? Even knowing the conditions they set?" James asked, eyes softening with the love and adoration he felt for her.

Y/N nodded. "I would have shouted it from the rooftops of London had I been given the chance."

"But what of him? This other man? Your fiance?"

"I have no fiance but you," she whispered, bringing his lips close to hers. "I will marry none but you." With those words she did the only thing she could, she kissed him. Drawing back, she smiled up at him. "You will be my husband and I will be your wife."

Tucking her against him, James looked down to where their hands were joined. "You would risk your family's ire, for me?"

Y/N nodded against him, bringing up their joined hands to her lips and kissing the back of his.

~ ~ ~

_Where on earth was she_? Hannah stared at her mistress's empty room. She really ought to check the stables.

Nodding in decision, she spun on her heels and marched down the hall, not even pausing to retrieve her coat. Pointedly ignoring the biting cold, Hannah trudged her way to the stables.

The sight that greeted her alarmed her greatly. Sapphire was missing.

Forcing herself to remain calm, Hannah began to pace the length of the stables. The remaining horses picked up on her mood and began to paw at the ground and move restlessly in their stalls.

_Surely she can't have gone that far?_ Hannah paled at the thought that her mistress was out there somewhere in the gown she had worn that evening. She was very reluctant to ask for her in the village, she felt little desire to stir any sort of panic. News traveled fast, especially in the country. No, she would have to do this as discretely as possible. Hannah detested the thought of lying to the family.

Biting her lip in agitation, Hannah struggled in deciding upon a course of action. She knew that the family would soon grow suspicious as to their eldest daughter's longer-than-usual absence.

The maid felt her lip curl at the thought of her mistress's so-called fiance. _Lord Anthony Huntington. _Never had she met a man less worthy of the title. There was no doubt in her mind that he too would soon start looking for her and then cause the panic Hannah was hoping to avoid.

Nodding firmly to herself, Hannah set her jaw and steeled herself for what she was about to do.

Chin up and eyes hard, she left the stables. The moment she stepped inside however, a large hand took hold of her right elbow and hauled her into the shadows.

"She wasn't there, was she?"

Hannah mentally kicked herself, of course he would have been following her.

"Worried for her safety my Lord?" She asked, not caring for the icy tone of her voice. "Or do you simply seek to keep an eye on your claim?"

"You would dare to speak to your betters in such a way?" Lord Anthony hissed.

"Only to those that threaten my mistress's happiness and well being," Hannah retorted. Y/N may be above her in rank and station but she was the closest Hannah had to a sister.

"Why you little-"

Hannah didn't let him finish. "Her Ladyship is beginning to suspect, I hope you know that."

This brought him up short. "Suspect what?"

"I believe you know exactly. That Lady Y/N did not choose you and that she had her heart set on another."

"What does it matter?" Lord Anthony said smugly, "the man she chose is dead. Why should a promise to a dead man matter?"

"Because she will always set him above you," Hannah replied, "because you will never have her love and devotion. Not as he did and still does."

Despite his flippant tone, Hannah could see him bristle at her words.

"And what do I care if she should never love me?" Lord Anthony continued, stepping away from Hannah and rising to his full height. "It is the wealth of her name that concerns me. The wealth that she will bring to this union."

Hannah glared at him and shook her head. "It does not surprise me that you seek her for her inheritance. And yet, your audacity to state such a thing is far below the title and rank you claim to hold."

"How dare you?"

"I dare because I know who you are," Hannah answered, folding her arms. "My mistress may know most of the stories surrounding you. But perhaps it is also time she and the family found out what you really are."

"What would a simple maid like you know of a grand family like mine?"

Hannah smirked. "Plenty, my Lord. Believe you me, when her Ladyship and his Lordship find out the real reason behind your pursuit of their eldest daughter...." her words trailed into silence as she smiled nastily and slipped around him.

She had to find Y/N. She had to find her _now. _


	36. I would not wish any companion in the world but you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was the beautiful dream I had been searching for. The one to wake me up. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

"Are you certain this is wise?"

Y/N sighed and shook her head. "It matters not what I think. It is what is right. What must be done."

"But what if you should fall ill again?" James asked, not bothering to keep the worry from his voice.

She smiled sadly and stroked his cheek, letting her hand linger. "I cannot promise that I won't, but the chances are very low."

Taking her hand and pressing it to his heart, James looked down at her. "Wait a day more," he pleaded.

"I wish that I were able too," Y/N replied, meeting his gaze. "But my family is no doubt searching for me as we speak. It is time I returned and faced my problems head-on. They will not go away if I avoid them."

"No," James whispered, resigned. "No they won't."

"I will return soon," she promised, smiling gently before rising to her tiptoes and sealing her promise with a kiss.

"May I write to you?" James asked as they parted, their foreheads touching.

Y/N nodded and smiled eagerly. "Please do. I have greatly missed your letters, it will be a pleasure to receive them again." With those words, she reluctantly drew back and mounted the waiting Sapphire.

"Stay warm," James said, approaching the horse and looked up at her rider.

Y/N smiled softly and nodded. Reaching out a gloved hand, she brushed his cheek and blushed when he took hold of it, pressing an ardent kiss to her knuckles and then her palm. She never wanted to let go.

"I will see you soon," she whispered, leaning down and meeting his lips halfway.

With those words and with the feeling and taste of his lips on hers, Y/N galloped from the stables, sparing a quick glance over her shoulder to see him framed by the stable entrance.

Turning her attention back to the fore, Y/N decided that a little detour would help her to truly calm herself before arriving back home. She could only hope that Lord Anthony wasn't there, or her grandmother for that matter.

Yet, despite the trepidation she felt upon her return, she could not help but smile. She was happier than she had been in months, the smile barely even slipping. Tightening her grip on the reins, Y/N bent low as she directed Sapphire through the village.

Despite the cold weather, the village pulsed with life and warmth. Few stopped to see who it was that was charging through, most simply moved out of her way and then returned to their previous occupation.

It wasn't long before the outline of the Hadleigh manor came into view.

Setting her jaw and determined to see this through, Y/N continued until they reached the stables. Sapphire was more than happy to be home, having only been to the Graywall estate a handful of times. She was not as familiar with it as her mistress was.

Upon dismounting and settling Sapphire in her stall, Y/N left the stables. Almost instantly, she heard Hannah address her, sounding more than a little surprised. "Milady?"

"Good afternoon Hannah," Y/N replied, smiling.

Hannah could do nothing but stare. Her earlier panic was steadily transforming into confusion. Where had she been?

"Are you quite alright there Hannah?" Y/N asked, genuine concern overshadowing the sparkle in her eyes.

Her mistress seemed different somehow. Hannah couldn't quite place it. Y/N had been smiling when she came in. Hannah had not seen her smile like that for quite some time. Her e/c eyes had sparkled merrily and made Hannah a little suspicious.

"Hannah?"

Blinking, the maid shook her head. "I am, yes milady. Thank you."

Y/N raised an eyebrow and folded her arms. "Come now Hannah. If there is something amiss, you know you can tell me."

"Truly, it is of no matter," Hannah replied. "I was merely wondering where you might have gone off to. Lord Anthony is more than a little worried."

A dark look crossed Y/N's features at the mention of the man. Not that Hannah could blame her really. "I visited the Graywalls, they allowed me to stay with them for a short while as I cleared my head."

Hannah nodded and mentally sighed with relief. "Come, milady, let's get you out of those and into some fresh clothes."

Y/N, grateful that her explanation had been accepted, silently followed the maid to her chambers.

However, the moment Hannah made to remove the gloves, Y/N spoke up, halting the maid. "I'd like to keep them on for the moment."

"Is everything alright milady? With everything considered?"

It took a moment before Y/N responded. "It should be, but I'm afraid it isn't."

"Milady?"

"He's not here, is he?" Y/N asked in a whisper, as though he were lurking right outside her door.

Hannah shook her head, earning a relieved sigh from her mistress. "He left shortly before you came back."

Y/N nodded and hummed in absent agreement before wandering over to the fireplace and extending her hands close to the flames. "Hannah, would you be a dear and retrieve the letters for me?" As she said this, she began to slowly peel the gloves from her hands, hissing quietly as she did so.

"Are you sure milady?" Hannah asked, already halfway to the vanity. "I do not wish you see you distressed."

Turning to face her maid, Y/N smiled softly. "Dear darling Hannah, always looking out for me," she murmured.

Returning the smile, Hannah went to retrieve the bundle. With no small amount of trepidation, she passed them to her waiting mistress. She gasped softly as she caught sight of Y/N's hands. Now ungloved, healing blisters could be seen decorating the tips of her fingers.

"Later," was all Y/N said by way of explanation as she took the letters from Hannah. Not a moment later, she spoke again. "Where is it?" She asked, her voice dropping to a panicked whisper as she began to rifle through the collection. "Oh damn it all! Where is it?"

Hannah was sure she had never seen her mistress in such a state. She appeared frenzied, frantic even as she searched for something that clearly wasn't there. Her hands trembled noticeably as she searched, her shaking fingers only serving to frustrate her more.

"May I be of any assistance milady?" Hannah asked, she knew exactly what was missing. He had all but flaunted it in her face.

Her words seemed to remind Y/N that she was there. Snapping her head up, Y/N peered at her maid before finally speaking. "I know that you know of the telegram I received. It is quite alright," she said as Hannah began to apologise. "I need to know, has it been misplaced? While you were cleaning perhaps? Did it fall and you put it somewhere else?" Her e/c eyes pleaded with her.

Hannah shook her head. "No milady. But I believe I know who may know."

The panic left her, overshadowed by suspicion. Y/N gently laid the letters down on the mantle and approached her fidgeting maid. "Hannah?" She said, making sure to keep her voice gentle. "Who is it?"

Swallowing visibly, Hannah looked down, suddenly finding the patterns on the carpet to be very interesting.

"Hannah?" Y/N asked again, this time prompting her maid to look up as she took hold of her fidgeting hands. "Please tell me."

Nodding, Hannah finally looked up. "Lord Huntington," she replied, voice wavering.

Y/N let go of her maid's hands as she stumbled back, only to support herself on the mantle. Closing her eyes, she forced her erratic heart to calm as blood rushed through her ears. "How?" She asked, forcing the words out from behind clenched teeth. "How did he get it?"

"I do not know milady," Hannah whispered, her mistress was livid, that much she knew. "But he made no attempt at hiding it from me. He appeared almost proud."

"Of course he did," Y/N muttered. Her eyes flew to the stack of letters on the mantle, they narrowed in on one in particular. Reaching up, she gently sorted through them until she came to the one she sought. Creased beyond repair, it was the most precious. Setting the remainder aside, she made to smooth it out as best she could.

"Milady?" Hannah asked, keeping her voice soft.

Y/N said nothing as she tucked the creased letter into her coat pocket. Smoothing her hair as best she could with trembling hands, she made for the door.

"Milady?" Hannah was beginning to worry.

The smile Y/N sent reminded Hannah of a blade. Thin and sharp. "I will return soon, you needn't worry."

As calmly as she could, Y/N made her way down to the entrance hall with every intention of seeking out her so-called fiance. She was furious. How dare he do something like this? He had no right!

"John," she called to one of the footmen, "have you seen Lord Huntington at all today?"

The young man nodded. "Indeed I have milady. I do believe he was making for the stables last I saw."

"Excellent, thank you," Y/N replied smiling at the young man before spinning on her heals and marching out the door, uncaring of the cold weather.

Y/N felt her vision tinge with red as she entered the stables and saw him standing by Sapphire's stall. "Get away from her," she hissed, seeing no point in pretending to be pleasant.

"Ah, my darling fiance," he greeted her, making her cringe. "Back from our little escapade are we?"

Y/N narrowed her eyes and moved to stand between him and Sapphire, her eyes glared up at him. "Do not pretend you care for me," she said, her voice dangerously calm. "At least now that I know what depths you will sink to."

"I do believe that I have no idea of what you speak."

"Right," she murmured, absently reaching to stroke Sapphire's muzzle. "Then allow me to enlighten you, _my Lord._ Without my permission or knowledge you went through my private correspondence and took something that does not belong to you."

"I was merely looking for proof."

"Proof? Of what exactly?"

Lord Anthony smiled nastily. "That you, dear lady, are a liar."

A small giggle bubbled from within her, startling her companion. "A liar?" She repeated, laughing. "That is rich," she said, her laughter melting away. "Coming from you. Here you stand, accusing me of goodness-knows what, when you yourself have committed the real crime."

"He is not abroad is he?"

His question brought her up short. "I beg your pardon?"

"At one point I do believe he may have been," Lord Anthony continued, "but not anymore. He won't be coming back, will he?"

Y/N said nothing. Her jaw was clenched so tight she feared for her teeth.

The Lord smiled as though in victory. "You believed your little tale would be enough to help you escape this union? Nothing will help you, Y/N. Nothing. And certainly not a promise made to a dead Captain."

Her breath hissed past her lips as a stuttered gasp left her. "You had no right," she snarled, forgoing all sense to behave as her station demanded. "No right at all to poke through my private affairs."

"Next time I suggest you think twice before lying to me," Lord Anthony said, moving to stand a hair's breath away from her.

"Now you're threatening me?" Y/N laughed harshly.

"Reminding you," he clarified and bent to kiss her.

That was it for her. Throwing decorum to the four winds, she reeled back and swung with her right arm. Her curled fist landed solidly with his jaw, forcing him to stumble back and allowing her space to move.

"I will never marry you," she hissed. "You are a liar and a thief."

She did not make it far when a large hand landed on her bicep, pulling her against a solid chest. "A fair match," he hissed in return, his breath trailing down her neck. "A match made in heaven, as they say."

"Let go of me," Y/N said, her anger too prominent for the fear to kick in. "_Now._"

"No," he replied, tightening his grip. It was becoming tight enough to bruise. "Not until you promise never to lie to me again."

"You wouldn't know the truth if you saw it," Y/N retorted, twisting in his grip, hoping to ease it even slightly. "You distort it even when it is spoken to you."

"Your grandmother warned me of your sharp tongue," he mused, running the back of his free hand over her cheek, causing her to shy away.

"I am sure she told you many things," Y/N replied, revolted and doubling her efforts. "Her schemes and your lies work well together."

"I will not have you speak of her in such tones."

Y/N laughed. "And how do you plan to stop me?"

When no answer came, she saw her chance. Subtly lifting her right foot, she brought her booted heel down on his foot with no small amount of brute force. Wasting no time, she ran. Now the fear came, and with it, tears.

"I'm coming James," she whispered as she ran, the tears flowing freely despite the cold weather. "I'm coming." Chancing a glance over her shoulder, she saw no one exit the stables.

Tucking her injured hands under her folded arms, she ran, ducking her head as she went. Her chest heaved, her breath coming in harsh gasps by the time she crossed the estate border. She kept running until she saw the looming form of the Graywall manor.

The nurses swarmed her upon her arrival, scolding her for being out in such weather with no gloves or appropriate headwear.

But all Y/N could manage to say was his name. "Where is he?" She gasped out, "where is Captain Nicholls?"

Confused, they directed her to the stables.

Stumbling out of doors, she ran as fast as she could, calling his name as she went. "James? James?"

He appeared by the stable entrance and immediately took her in his arms, cradling her close. "Shh," he soothed, petting her hair and wiping her tears. "I am here my love. I am here."

Clutching at his coat, she buried her face in his chest, her weeping only growing in strength.

"What has happened, my darling?" He asked a short while later, having settled them both in an empty stall. "What has caused you such distress?"

She did not answer right away. But when she did, her voice was small and fragile. Vulnerable. "I don't want to marry him," she whimpered. "He is such a horrid man."

James remained silent, believing it best to let her speak. He merely soothed her with gentle touches and soft kisses to her hair and forehead.

"He stole the telegram," she continued. "The telegram that bore such terrible news. He stole it from me." Directing her gaze up, she looked at him. "He knows about you too. The way he spoke about you-" cutting herself off, she curled into him, fresh tears soaking into his coat.

"You are safe now, my darling," James murmured, curling his arms tighter around her. "I won't ever leave you. Never again."

"But if he should come looking?" She asked, her eyes fearful.

"Then I will stand by you," James promised, tucking her head under his chin and nuzzling her hair. "As I will do, always."

Unknown to both however, a third party was witness. One that would soon inform another of her presence on the estate.


	37. Stolen Information

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The doubters are just dreamers with broken hearts.
> 
> ~ Atticus

Irene looked up as the door to the sitting rooms opened. Lady Katherine followed suit, no doubt curious as to who was interrupting them. The sight of the newcomer drew a warm welcoming smile on the features of the Dowager Countess. Irene, on the other hand, grew wary as Lord Huntington stepped through the door.

Both women, however, gasped when they saw the painful discolouration on the Lord's face. It was a deep purple and looked fairly fresh, as though it had happened not an hour before.

"My Lord," Lady Katherine exclaimed, "what in heaven's name happened?"

In a way of an answer, Lord Anthony turned to Irene and smiled, wincing as he did so. "I apologise for my appearance, your Ladyship. But as I was on my way here with Lady Y/N, a rather unsavoury looking fellow crossed our path. I do believe that he would have caused my dear fiance some harm had I not intervened when I did."

"You protected my daughter?" Irene asked softly, paling at the thought that some harm might have befallen her eldest.

"As best as I was able," Lord Anthony replied, bowing.

"And where is she now?" Irene asked, looking for her daughter. "Is she not with you?"

Lord Anthony shook his head, adopting an expression of regret. "I am afraid not, your Ladyship. She was quite rattled, understandably so. So I encouraged her to return to the estate with one of my men."

Irene simply nodded, having started to worry her bottom lip. "I thank you, Lord Anthony."

Smiling as best as he was able, he shook his head. "There is no need, your Ladyship. I only did my duty in protecting my wife-to-be."

"Nevertheless," Irene replied, moving to stand. "I am grateful. Now, if you both will excuse me," she smiled tightly at her mother-in-law, "I should be getting back, Annabelle will be finished with her lessons soon and I do not believe that Y/N will be in any frame of mind to entertain her."

With those words, she swept from the room.

The moment the sound of the front door closing could be heard, Lady Katherine turned to Lord Anthony. "Now, how about you tell me the truth."

Lord Anthony blinked before smiling thinly. "The truth your Ladyship? Not a commodity that you and I deal in."

"Perhaps not," the Dowager admitted, returning the smile. "But I have use for it now. What really happened?"

"Y/N," was his reply.

"Y/N?" Lady Katherine repeated, not quite sure she had heard correctly. "She did this?"

The Lord nodded.

"Why, pray tell, would she do something like this?" The Dowager demanded, leaning forward, her eyes hardening.

"She lashed out," Lord Anthony explained, "after I made to kiss her."

"And that is the full extent of it?"

He nodded and gingerly touched the bruised skin, hissing as his fingers came into contact with the injured skin. "I know not where she is," he said, "she ran off soon after."

Lady Katherine appeared to think before she gave her reply. "I have it on good authority that she is at the Graywall estate."

"How did you come to this information?"

Lady Katherine smiled and inclined her head. "I have my ways."

"Come now, your Ladyship. We may lie to others but not to each other."

"I have an informant on the estate," Lady Katherine explained, taking a sip of her tea. "I received a note from him only shortly before you arrived."

"And where is this Graywall estate?"

"You will be pleased to know that it borders on the Hadleigh estate. They are neighbours. Have been for generations."

"And why would she go there?" Lord Anthony asked, intrigued, "of all places."

"Two reasons," Lady Katherine replied. "She feels safe there, the family knows her and she knows them."

"You said there were two reasons," Lord Anthony said, moving to sit opposite the Dowager. "What is the second?"

Her smile faded, replaced by a look of disdain. "_He _is there."

"I pray that I have misheard you," Lord Anthony said, voice dropping to a low whisper.

Lady Katherine shook her head in answer.

"It is impossible, he is dead. I saw the telegram."

"Unfortunately," Lady Katherine murmured, "that is not the case. It was never the case."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Lord Anthony demanded.

"It means that he wrote to her, telling her of his injury and his impending return to English soil."

Lord Anthony narrowed his eyes. "Dare I ask how you know such details?"

Her smile returned. "She never received the letter. It was addressed to her, but I received it instead. My informant managed to intercept it and redirect it to me."

"Are you still in possession of it?"

Lady Katherine nodded and rose from her seat. Moving to stand by the fireplace, she reached up and retrieved a small ordinary looking box. Setting it on the table, she opened it and selected the letter from within and passed it to the waiting Lord.

Lord Anthony tried not to appear too eager as he slipped the letter from the opened envelope and unfolded the paper within.

_" My darling, my dearest, Y/N,_

_I write to you to comfort both myself and you. I saw action as I told you I would, and some might consider me fortunate that I was only injured in the charge. I am certainly among that number. For I had made a promise to you and I have every intention of keeping it. _

_It was my shoulder that was hit. A bullet from the German machine guns struck me on the left shoulder, narrowly missing the bone, thus not shattering it. The nurses tell me that it was a stroke of luck that the bullets did not find my heart instead. It is a strange thing indeed, not being able to have full use of my left arm. I can only be thankful that it was not my right side, or indeed my heart. _

_Fear not, my angel, I also bear good news. I am to return home! Home to you, my love. Oh how I long to hear your sweet voice and feel your arms around me in a welcoming embrace. Will you wait for me by the docks? For that is where I shall be in two days. Jamie and Charlie are with me, some luck it was that the three of us were spared. _

_I count the days until I shall see you again. My very soul rejoices at the notion of our reunion. _

_I am to be sent to the Graywall estate. The family, we have been told, has graciously given their home to the army for the duration of the war. Do you know of it? _

_I love you so very much, my darling, my dearest heart. And I will see you soon. _

_Eternally yours,_

_Captain James Nicholls "_

Lord Anthony said nothing as he finished reading the letter. He silently passed it back to the Dowager and stood, walking to stand by the fireplace.

"Anthony?"

"How long had she known I wonder?" He murmured, eyes fixed to the dancing flames, their orange glow reflected in his eyes.

"Not long I'll wager," Lady Katherine replied. "But you must get her back."

"How?" He demanded, looking up to face her. "It is not likely she will return willingly, least of all with me."

"I have thought of that."

"Oh?" Lord Anthony moved to retake his seat.

"You will give her this," Lady Katherine explained, holding up a small bottle. Crystal clear liquid filled it. "A sedative. Any fight she has will be drained away and you will easily be able to carry her. She will be unconscious."

Lord Anthony hummed. "And what if he should be there? That Captain of hers?"

"Make sure he isn't," the Dowager replied. "It will make it easier. But if he is, I am sure you will find a way to manage him, he is injured after all. There is not much he can do to stop you. I shall leave the details up to you."

"Assuming I am successful," Lord Anthony said, steepling his fingers as he thought. "Her family is bound to ask questions. Especially if I should walk in with her asleep in my arms."

"Ensure that she is absent during your explanation. The family must see you as having rescued her, having calmed her down from a rather emotional episode."

Lord Anthony nodded, wordlessly agreeing. After a short while he appeared to remember something. "And what of Hannah? That loyal maid of hers."

"Replace her," Lady Katherine said simply. "Give Y/N an explanation as to the reason for Hannah's absence and produce a replacement. One of our choosing."

"Someone who is loyal to us."

"Indeed," the Dowager agreed. "She will have to be convincing. Y/N is many things, but stupid is not one of them. It is difficult to fool her."

"Are you certain?" Lord Anthony asked, raising an eyebrow. "She believed her beloved Captain to be dead. And yet he isn't."

"That is because for her it was the truth," Lady Katherine explained. "It was the truth according to the ones that sent the telegram."

"You will marry her Anthony," Lady Katherine continued, peering at him over the rim of her teacup. "Only now, your task is a little more challenging."

"She claims that she chose him," Lord Anthony murmured, catching her by surprise. "And that he accepted."

The Dowager hissed under her breath and set her teacup down. "Have you proof?"

The Lord shook his head. "She speaks the truth, I am afraid to say. I saw a letter from him in which he accepted her offer."

"Destroy it," she said, looking him in the eye. "Find it and destroy it. That way she will have no tangible proof and you will have the advantage."

"She already knows that I went through her letters once, how am I to do it again without her knowledge?"

"Do you wish to marry her?" Lady Katherine asked, rounding on him, a rare fire in her eyes.

"You know that I do," he replied.

"Then I suggest you cease in finding excuses and start finding solutions. My granddaughter is clever, too clever for her own good. Astute too, just like her mother. Be careful," Lady Katherine said, her tone firm and unyielding. "Determine your obstacles and remove them, by whatever means necessary."

The fire in her eyes became reflected in his. Lord Anthony nodded and stood. "I will go and bring her back. Kicking and screaming if I must."

"And the Captain?" Lady Katherine asked, raising an eyebrow. "Should he stand in your way?"

Lord Anthony did not hesitate in his answer. "I will kill him. Rid the world of him properly this time."

The Dowager smiled and nodded. "Make sure that you do. It will be better to have a grieving bride than no bride at all."


	38. To defy reality, even for a moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Her hand in his, he became her tomorrows. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

She had been terrified. James had seen it as she had all but collapsed in his arms. Her eyes were frantic and her hands trembled from more than the cold. Having managed to lull her to sleep, James stayed with her, cradling her close in the stall that offered them a measure of privacy.

Looking down at her, he smiled. Her head lay against his right shoulder, her right hand curled into the thick material of his coat. Her chest rose and fell steadily, little puffs of warm air escaping her slightly open mouth as she breathed. Despite her emotional outburst earlier, she looked peaceful as she slept. On occasion she would smile, as though she were dreaming of something pleasant and James selfishly hoped she dreamed of him. Just as he had dreamed of her countless times since their parting all those months ago.

She had run all the way from her home to him. James found himself to be at a loss for words. He knew not how big both estates were but he knew they were of a considerable size. She had been breathing rather heavily when she had stumbled her way towards him. She had been crying too, dried tears decorated her cheeks in frozen streaks while fresh ones had quickly traced their way down from her eyes.

The look of relief in her eyes when she had seen him had almost been painful in its intensity. His heart had reached out to her as surely as his arms had. He had breathed in deeply as she clung to him, her hands clawing for purchase on his shoulders and back. Her hair had been loose, no doubt torn down by the wind as she had run.

Angling his head just so, James pressed a soft kiss to her forehead and smiled as she burrowed into him. Whoever this man was, this man that was her so-called fiance, he clearly terrified her. She had been trembling as he'd lead her to the stall in which they now rested.

"You are safe now," he whispered his promise from earlier. "I will protect you with my life, though heaven forbid it should ever come to that."

As though hearing him in her sleep, her grip on his coat tightened.

"You are my love," he continued, eyes soft and tender as he gazed at her. "You are my life. Wherever you are that is where home is. _You_ are my home. England may be where I was born and where I grew up, but should you ever leave it, it would become a mere country to me." With gentle touches and making sure not to wake her, James smoothed her hair from where it had fallen across her face.

Snuffling in her sleep, she nuzzled impossibly closer, a deep sigh of contentment leaving her.

"My beautiful angel," James murmured, his lips ghosting over her hair. "My Lady." Once a term of propriety and an acknowledgement of a rank within society, it had now become an endearment. A statement of affection.

Outside the stables the air was frigid as the snow continued to fall, further coating the grounds in a fine powdery white.

James had always loved the winter. He adored the cold weather and seeing the weak winter sun glisten off the snow, making it sparkle. He loved the icy winds and the excitement that the season brought. Yet now, as he lay in an empty horse stall on a grand estate with the woman he loved, sleeping in his arms, there was no need to be out amongst the white. The joy that winter once brought him, the sheer carefree nature that took hold of him was now found within her. Y/N.

As he rested his cheek against her hair, he felt her stir and move to look up at him. Blinking sleepily, she smiled softly.

"Hello there," he whispered, softly tracing the line of her jaw. "Did you sleep well?"

She nodded. "How long?"

"A good portion of the day I would say," James replied. "It is late afternoon."

If the time alarmed her, she made no such indication. Simply sighing, she nestled back into his embrace. "I don't want to go back. He will be there, I know he will."

"Then stay."

Y/N laughed softly and bit her lip. "That's a lovely idea," she murmured, e/c eyes going distant. "A beautiful notion. Another reality where you and I would throw our cares to the wind and dance in the snow as it fell. A reality where social conventions played no part in our lives. A reality where there was no war."

A moment of silence passed before Y/N felt James shift beneath her and gently deposit her on a bale of hay. Looking to him in confusion, she saw him stretch out a hand. "James?"

"Dance with me," he said simply. "Dance with me as you would have at the Officer's Ball I wrote to you about. Dance with me as you did at the soiree where the candlelight had fallen in love with you." Pausing, he beckoned with his hand and pleaded with his eyes. "Dance with me as though the world did not exist."

Smiling through fresh tears, Y/N nodded and took his hand, allowing him to pull her up. She tucked herself into his side as he lead them back outside, but not towards the house, rather away from it.

The snow fell gently as he held her close. The snow dusted her h/c hair as she twirled and spun in his arms. Her blistered, ungloved hands held firmly in his, yet she did not flinch or give any indication that she was in pain. Her smile was carefree and her enchanting eyes were free of the terror that had plagued them.

"Stars above," she whispered as he pulled her to him before spinning her out again. "I love you," the words were softly spoken in the sliver of air between them as she spun back. "I love you," she repeated, grinning from ear-to-ear, reaching up to cup his face.

Returning the smile, James wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. "I love you too, my beautiful angel." He then closed the distance between them and kissed her with a passion and ardor that surprised both of them. But was welcomed wholeheartedly.

When at last they broke apart, James bent to touch his forehead to hers.

"Why can't everyday be like this?" She asked softly, her eyes sad and wistful.

"When we are married," James replied, "they will be."

Y/N hummed happily. "And we will be married," she said, looking up at him. "I do not know when, but we shall be."

James gazed fondly back, his lips curving in a small smile. "I want to wake up to you everyday. I want to stand beside you as you grow and change. I love who you are now and I want to love who you will be. That is what I want."

"I want that too," Y/N whispered, her voice growing heavy with emotion. "I want that so very much."

Wordlessly kissing her crown, James tucked her into his side and wrapped an arm securely around her shoulders. Together they walked back to the warmth of the stables, the snow slowly melting from where it had settled on them.

It was, however, the entrance of a third party that startled them and brought them back to reality. Shifting in her position beside James, Y/N narrowed her eyes and peered at the man. The blood froze to ice in her veins as her keen eyes spotted the ring on his finger. She had seen it before on the hands of his henchmen that always followed him around.

Feeling her tense up beside him, James turned to her. "Angel?" He asked softly, "what is it? What's the matter? Do you know this man?"

She nodded, moving her hand to grip his, entwining their fingers closely. "He found me," she choked out, the fear from before entering her eyes. "This is one of his men."

"His men?"

Y/N nodded frantically, casting a look to the newcomer. "It can only mean one thing. It means that he is here."


	39. My drops of tears I'll turn to sparks of fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life.
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

"He is here," those three words, spoken by Y/N, put James on high alert. There was only one man she would speak of in such a manner. Her arms tightened where they were wound around his waist and her voice had dropped to a trembling whisper. Her eyes remained trained on the man before them, as though afraid he would move the moment she blinked.

"Lady Y/N Hadleigh," the man said, addressing her. His eyes narrowed as he seemed to notice James standing beside her. His arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders. "I have been sent to retrieve you on the behalf of your fiance, the esteemed Lord Anthony Huntington. He requests your immediate return."

Y/N shook her head. "Then you will inform him that I shall only return to my family's estate once he has vacated the premises, and not before." Her voice, though still soft, bore no trace of the fear she felt inside.

The man smiled and took a step forward, causing Y/N and James to step back. "He believed you would say something like that."

There was something in the way he spoke that had James subtly move Y/N to stand behind him.

"If he is so desperate for me to return," Y/N countered, stepping around James. "Then why did he not come to fetch me himself?"

James felt his eyes widen a fraction at her words. What was she doing tempting fate like that? "Y/N?" He whispered her name, hoping to draw her attention to him.

"Believe me, my Lady," the man replied, his smile promising all sorts of unpleasant things. "He is here. He merely sent me ahead to search other areas of the estate."

"Then you may run along and tell him that I will be staying for the foreseeable future."

"I am afraid I cannot do that."

"Cannot?" Y/N repeated, reaching for James's hand. "Or will not?"

James readily took her hand and squeezed it gently, a gesture clearly seen by the other man.

"Enough of this," he hissed and lunged towards them.

Quick despite his injury, James pulled Y/N to his side and spun, shielding her body with his own. He let out a quiet hiss of pain as the other man's fist landed on his wounded shoulder.

"James?" She whispered, seeing the pain flash briefly though his eyes.

Shaking his head, he forced a smile. "You must go, my love."

"What?" She whispered harshly as James shielded her once more from the man's attacks.

"Go," he repeated, "I will hold him off for as long as I can."

Y/N shook her head and planted her feet firmly. "Where you go, as do I."

In that brief moment, they made their mistake. Focused solely on the other, they failed to notice their attacker sneak off and around them. The next thing Y/N knew, she had been brutally ripped from his arms.

Immediately she began to struggle. "Let me go," she snarled, her hands becoming claws as she attempted to pry her attacker's arms loose.

"Y/N!" James called her name, panic seeping into his voice. Making to stand, he was immediately held down by another pair of hands. Ones that Y/N recognised with rapidly growing dread.

"James," she whimpered his name in fear as Lord Anthony loomed over him.

"Take her away," the Lord instructed her captor.

"NO!" With renewed strength, she began to fight anew. "Let me go! James!" With one hand she fought to free herself, while the other reached out to him.

Then, with speed that surprised all, James twisted on his knees and knocked the Lord to the ground. In the same movement, he leapt up and launched himself at Y/N's captor who was in the process of hauling a violently struggling Y/N out of the stables.

The henchman, despite his size and the rather difficult burden he carried, made quick work of carrying her across the grounds to where the motorcar was parked. James, however, was hot on his heels.

"Y/N!" He called desperately and saw her reach out to him, hands grabbing at the empty air as she called out to him. "Let her go!"

"Stop right there Captain."

James skidded to a halt a mere few feet from the car in front of which Y/N now stood. Her captor's arm was around her throat, effectively holding her in place.

Footsteps crunched in the snow behind him, signalling the approach of the speaker. The cold touch of metal to the back of his head elicited a horrified gasp from Y/N.

"No," she whimpered softly, shaking her head. "My Lord, please." Her bottom lip trembled as she fought to contain her emotions. "James." His name came out as a choked whisper.

Lord Anthony simply smiled and turned his gaze back to James. "On your knees if you would, Captain."

Y/N frantically shook her head and took a step forward, the arm tightening around her throat. "Don't," she implored, tears burning behind her eyes and spilling down her cheeks. "Please."

"Quiet," Lord Anthony hissed, glaring at her. "You have caused me sufficient enough trouble." As he spoke, he moved as to position the weapon to rest against James's temple.

All the while, James kept silent, his eyes fixed on Y/N. The woman he loved. When her tear-filled eyes met his, he finally spoke. "Y/N. My love. It will be alright."

"Do you promise?" She asked, her voice trembling.

James nodded, smiling as best he could through the pain in his shoulder.

"Enough already," Lord Anthony groaned and cocked the weapon. "Bid farewell to your beloved Captain," he sneered at Y/N. "This time you will need no telegram."

"Please don't do this," she begged him, falling to her knees in the snow. She looked up at the looming Lord. "I beg of you."

A brief moment of silence passed before he spoke, looking down at her. "You beg so prettily my dear," he crooned, reaching down to pet her head with his free hand. Then, not a breath later, he lashed out, striking her across the face.

Gasping out at the sudden pain, Y/N held a hand to her face as she attempted to push herself up from the snow.

Despite the weapon aimed at his head, James lunged forward, reaching for her.

Her captor however, was quicker and pulled her to her feet and away from him.

"You bastard," James hissed, pure venom dripping off every word as he glared at the Lord. Standing, he squared his shoulders. "How dare you strike her?"

Lord Anthony smiled coldly. A split second before he used the butt of the pistol, striking James in the temple.

Shrieking in denial as he collapsed in the snow, Y/N ignored her own pain. "NO! JAMES!" Her flailing arms and clawing hands did little good as she was hauled to the motorcar and tossed in. The door was locked behind her, holding fast despite her attempts to open it. The glass of the window held firm despite her pounding palms and fists. The sound of her screams and cries was muffled by the car itself as it departed.

The moment the car disappeared from sight, a figure burst out of the manor followed closely by a horde of nurses. Charlie, using his cane, knelt beside his friend. "James?" He whispered, "Jim?"

Not a minute passed before he groaned, the blood from the cut dripping onto the snow. "Y/N?" When she didn't answer, James bolted upright and made to run in the direction of the car, only to sway dangerously.

"Whoa there," Charlie chuckled nervously. "Where do you think you're off to in such a state?" The nurses behind him muttered in agreement.

"They took her," James replied, turning to his friend. "They took Y/N," the look in his eyes soon matched his desperate tone. "I have to go, Charlie."

"Not like this," Charlie said, laying a gentle hand on his friend's arm. "You will be of no use to her if you can't even stand."

"Come along, Captain," said Anna-Maria, having rushed out beside Charlie. "Come along."

Casting a longing look in the way she had gone, James sighed. They were right. He needed his strength. But most of all, he needed her.


	40. "What, my dear Lady Disdain! are you yet living?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can cut down all the flowers, but you can't keep Spring from coming.
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

She looked troubled as she slept. Her brow was furrowed in something akin to pain and her hands were clenched in loose fists. Her hair was unbound and lay fanned on the pillows, the strands near tangled, giving her a wild appearance.

Sighing, Anthony moved from his position by the fireplace and moved to her vanity. The yarrow flowers stood tall and proud. Taking the stool that stood before it, Anthony set it down beside the bed and sat, watching her.

There was no denying her beauty, her physical appeal. A blind man could see it. Anthony had seen her smile, and what a beautiful one it was. Though never directed at him, he cherished the memories of them. Her laughter too, a truly happy sound, unburdened and carefree and often accompanied by her dazzling smiles.

Anthony had yet to see her dance, yet her younger sister Annabelle, swore that she did so very well. He did not doubt it. Smiling to himself, he came to a realisation. The Hadleigh Christmas Eve ball was fast approaching, surely there she would spare him a dance or two.

Glancing down at his young wife-to-be, he sighed. Their last encounter was less than desirable, her voice hoarse from screaming and crying. At the memory of her struggles, Anthony lightly touched the skin below his right eye where her nails had broken skin. The cuts were small and the blood had dried quickly. He could only be grateful for the effectiveness of the sedative, as he had not been too fond of the idea of carrying a violently struggling Y/N into her own home.

He would learn to love her, it was very much possible. Reaching out, he gently touched her hair, moving to trace the outline of her jaw. Anthony was all too aware that love rarely played a role in upper-class marriages. Yet that did not stop him from wanting it. He had seen his own parents grow in love and wanted nothing more than for his marriage to be the same.

She was fiery, his Y/N. As much as her defiance rankled him, he would not have been drawn to her without it. She fought him at every turn, standing against him and stubbornly refusing to submit to the will of her betters.

In ways more than one, she reminded him of Amelia. The very same aunt she spoke to on a near daily basis. When she had refused him on numerous occasions, Anthony knew that it was time to turn his attention elsewhere.

Never one to give up easily, Anthony was determined not to let Y/N slip through his fingers as he had with Amelia. The name of his family depended on it. The mere thought brought on the memory of Hannah Osborne, Y/N's loyal maid. The wretched thing knew more than he was comfortable with, he was beyond grateful that she had not yet let it slip to her mistress or her family for that matter.

Movement from the bed brought his attention back to its occupant. Still fast asleep, Y/N turned her head, eyes moving rapidly below the lids.

"I could love you," he murmured to her. "If you would let me."

Groaning in her sleep, Y/N curled one hand tighter. Mumbling something incoherent, she flung her head to the side again. Facing him once more. "James," she whimpered, a single tear escaping her closed eyes.

Anthony fought back a hiss at the mention of the Captain. His hands curled into tight fists as he stood and stalked back to the fireplace. Glaring down at the dancing flames, he began to think. To wonder what their courtship might have been like had she not met the Captain first. Would she have been more receptive to his advances? Would she have chosen him?

His thoughts however were cut off as Y/N shot up in bed, crying out to her Captain. Her eyes flew open and looked wildly around as she took stock of her surroundings. Her eyes, Anthony noticed, were bloodshot and narrowed into snake-like slits the moment they landed on him.

"What are you doing here?" She hissed, venom dripping off every syllable.

"Making sure you get the rest you require," Anthony answered easily.

"Rest?" She repeated, "you drugged me!"

"I had no choice," he replied, sighing and folding his arms over his chest.

A sardonic laugh tumbled from her lips. "Am I supposed to believe that?"

"Believe what you will," he replied. "But remember, this could all have easily been avoided had you not run off."

"So this is all my fault?" She asked, genuine disbelief colouring the question.

"Your impulsive actions had consequences."

"What you did to James," she whispered, emotion leaking into her words. Looking up, she met his gaze from across the room. "You didn't have to do that."

"You are engaged to me," Anthony said, moving towards her. "You and I will marry."

"No," she shook her head and backed away. "I was engaged to James first. I will be _his _wife."

That did it for him. "Why?" He demanded, "why him? Of all the people on this earth, many of whom are your station, why him?"

She gave a soft smile. "I do not know," she whispered, shrugging her shoulders. "All that I know is that my heart chose him long before my head realised it."

White hot jealousy rushed through him. Clenching his hands and letting out a shuddering breath, Anthony spoke. His voice was low, a warning. "You are not to see him again, do you understand?"

"Who are you to dictate whom I can and cannot see?"

"Your fiance."

"And if I do?" She challenged, folding her arms and looking him in the eye.

"Then I shall complete the task I set out should he interfere."

A look of horror entered her eyes for a brief moment before it was replaced by cool indifference. Saying nothing, she reached for the cord beside her bed and pulled. "Your presence is no longer required here."

"If you believe that I will let you roam free for one moment, then you are sorely mistaken."

"It is highly inappropriate for a gentleman to be in the room when a lady is changing."

"Oh yes," he replied, smiling nastily. "But you are no lady."

"And you are no gentleman," she hissed, her anger rising with every passing moment.

The tension between them was cut the moment the doors opened and a maid stepped through.

"Where is Hannah?" Y/N asked the young woman.

"I do not know milady," the maid replied, looking between her and Anthony. "I was merely called in this morning because of an absence in the household staff."

"Is that so?" Y/N murmured. "Well then..." she did not finish the sentence as she stalked from the room. Perhaps her parents would know.

The moment she left, Anthony turned to the maid and smiled. "Well done, Agatha. You nearly had me convinced that you were speaking the truth."

The maid, Agatha, smiled. "I shall keep a sharp eye on her, my Lord."

Anthony nodded, satisfied. "See that you do. She is cleverer than she is given credit for. Do not let her fool you."

"But what of the maid she spoke of?" Agatha asked, curious. "Hannah, I believe."

"Don't you worry your sweet head over that," Anthony replied, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. His touch lingering for a moment. "Lady Katherine will see that she is taken care of."

"No loose ends."

Anthony nodded and sighed in contentment. "Exactly."


	41. My rage is gone, And I am struck with sorrow.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you want to know what it's like to survive hell and still come out shining brighter than the sun, just look into the eyes of a woman who has survived intense damage and refused to allow it to destroy her softness. 
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill (Persephone Rising)

It had been quite some time since she had last been downstairs. Since she last had cause to venture there.

"Hannah, milady?" Asked Clara MacKenzie, the housekeeper. "Did she not tell you?"

Y/N frowned in confusion and shook her head. "Tell me what Clara?"

"That her mother is terribly unwell and may not see Christmas," Clara explained. "I do not believe that she will return before the year is out."

"Her mother?" Y/N repeated, her brows furrowing as her mind worked to understand the situation.

"Yes, milady."

"I wonder why she didn't tell me," Y/N murmured thoughtfully. "It is not like her to leave so suddenly, even for a family emergency."

"Her note said to apologise for not speaking to you in person."

This caught her attention. "Her note? She did not say this to you?"

Clara shook her head. "No, milady. There was a note left on her bed, it explained everything."

"When did you find this note?"

The housekeeper thought for a moment before she replied, "just this morning, as I was waking the maids."

"Did she take anything?"

Clara nodded. "She appeared to have taken everything."

"Everything? But surely she intends to return?" Y/N asked, shocked.

"Her note did not say anything that pertained to that," Clara replied.

"May I see it?" Y/N asked, "the note?"

"Of course, milady," Clara replied, walking to her desk to fetch the small piece of folded paper and handing it to the young woman.

Y/N paced as she read the few lines that Hannah had written, explaining her sudden absence.

_" Ms. MacKenzie,_

_I apologise for such short notice, but I received a letter from my brother, it seems my mother has taken a turn for the worse. I fear she may not last the year. My brother requests I go to her, though I would have gone anyway. _

_I do not know how long my absence shall last, so I have taken all my belongings if I should not return. Once again, I sincerely apologise for the inconvenience this may cause. Especially to Lady Y/N. I certainly hope that they find someone suitable to the post, someone more reliable than I._

_Please tell milady how sorry I am that I am unable to say goodbye personally. She deserves better than a few scribblings on a scrap of paper._

_My warmest regards and heartfelt apology,_

_Hannah "_

Y/N said nothing as she refolded the paper. Her maid's words echoing in her mind as though she had spoken them. Something wasn't quite right. Something was very wrong and it drove Y/N to madness at being unable to pinpoint it. 

"Milady?" Clara asked softly. 

Shaking herself back to the present, Y/N looked to the housekeeper. "Would you mind terribly if I held onto this?"

Clara shook her head. "Of course not, milady."

Murmuring her thanks, she turned to leave the small office when a thought occurred to her. "Do my parents know of this?"

"Not that I am aware of, milady."

Y/N paused a short while before speaking again. "Thank you Clara, truly." She offered the housekeeper a warm smile.

Clara nodded and smiled in return. "You are very welcome milady. I trust the new maid will prove up to the task?"

"I hope so," Y/N replied, "I shall miss Hannah terribly. This new one has quite the standard to live up too."

Clara smirked. "Yes. Indeed she does."

"I shan't keep you any longer," Y/N said, "but I thank you for your help."

"Good day milady," Clara replied, smiling warmly. 

"Good day, Clara," she said before ducking back out into the corridor and making her way up the stairs that lead to the manor's first floor.

So lost was she in her thoughts and in the recent turn of events that she failed to notice her mother coming out of the sitting rooms. "Y/N? Darling?"

Her head snapped towards the sound of her name being called. "Mother," she replied, smiling at the older woman.

"We were so worried," Irene said, coming to embrace her eldest daughter. "After everything that has happened."

Returning the embrace, Y/N was more than a little confused. While much had indeed happened, she hesitated to ask which event her mother was referring too.

Drawing back, Irene cupped her daughter's face and gently stroked her cheeks with the pads of her thumbs.

"Did you know about Hannah?" Y/N asked, feeling it best to ask right away. She needed as many answers as possible.

"No," Irene replied, studying her daughter. "What about her?"

"She left," Y/N said simply. "I now have a new maid, Agatha I believe her name is."

Irene frowned. "Why is this the first I am hearing of it?"

"You really did not know?"

Irene shook head and released her daughter. "I am surprised Clara didn't say anything."

"She found out only this morning," Y/N explained, brandishing the note. "Hannah left this."

"May I?" Irene asked, reaching for the note.

Nodding, Y/N passed it to her mother and waited patiently while she read it. "Well?" She asked once her mother folded the paper and gave it back to her. 

"Has Hannah ever made a mention of her family to you?"

Y/N thought for a moment before shaking her head. "I do not believe so. I do not remember ever asking. Why?"

Irene took a deep breath before replying. "I do not believe that Hannah wrote that note."

"What?! Who then?"

Irene shook her head, "I do not know. But what I do know is that what is stated in that note is not the truth."

Y/N couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What on earth makes you think that?"

"Hannah is a year younger than you, as I am sure you know," Irene proceeded to explain. "She was brought here when she was a mere babe."

Y/N narrowed her eyes. "Mother, what are you saying?"

"What I am saying is that Hannah has no living family. Her father was once employed here as our chauffeur many years ago."

"She is an orphan?" Y/N whispered in shock.

Irene nodded gravely. "Indeed she is. So you see, whosoever wrote that note, did not know that."

Y/N was struck speechless. Her lips moved to form words that never came out.

"Hannah never told you?" Irene asked softly.

Y/N wordlessly shook her head as thoughts flew through her mind.

"Then I suspect," her mother continued, "that whoever wrote this, counted on your ignorance on the matter. Whoever wrote this knows you."

This horrified Y/N further. "I know the person that did this?" She asked, her voice a horrified whisper.

Her mother nodded. "I am afraid so."

"But surely Clara would have suspected something," Y/N murmured, glancing hopefully at her mother.

Irene shook her head. "Clara came into service here two years after you were born. Hannah was already here at the time."

"But who would do something like this?!" Y/N exclaimed, throwing up her hands. "I don't understand-" she cut herself off as a thought came to her and her eyes hardened. "He wouldn't dare," she forced out from behind clenched teeth.

"Who wouldn't dare?" Irene asked, alarmed at the tone her daughter had taken.

Y/N turned to her mother and looked at her with something akin to genuine disbelief. "Can you honestly not think of anyone? Because I certainly can."

"Who do you suspect?" Irene asked cautiously, Anthony's earlier words coming to mind.

"My darling fiance," she spat the words as though they were poison in her mouth.

Irene's eyes widened. While she wasn't overly fond of the man, she didn't believe that he would be capable of something like this. "Y/N darling," she said in a soothing tone. "You must be mistaken. Lord Anthony couldn't possibly have done what you accuse him of."

Y/N stared at her mother in blatant shock. "I know that he could," she retorted, "he has shown himself to be capable of many things. Kidnapping my maid is apparently one of them!" Her voice rose as her anger did. How could her mother not see what kind of man he was?

Irene shook her head and sighed. His warning had proven correct, as had his predictions.

"You don't believe me, do you?" Y/N asked, slowly backing away.

"Darling, much has happened these last few days. Emotionally overwhelming events. Hannah's absence is not helping, I know and we will look into it. But you cannot blame the very person who helped you in the first place."

"Helped me?" Y/N repeated. "Helped me? He threatened me in my own home, in front of Sapphire no less. Then he tried to kiss me, did he tell you that? He accused me of lying to him and then dragged me back here, having drugged me first so I wouldn't put up a fight!" Hysteria had crept in her voice and tears had entered her eyes, tears that now spilled down her cheeks.

Irene stared at her daughter.

"I believed you to be an excellent judge of character, Mother," she whispered, shaking her head. "Father too. But these last few days have shown me just how wrong I was."

"Y/N," Irene said, her voice low as a warning. Her daughter was entering dangerous territory.

Y/N, however, continued as though Irene hadn't spoken. "You would have me marry a man that I do not love, even though we had an agreement to let me choose."

"You did," her mother replied confused, her conversation with Hannah coming to the surface. "You chose Lord Anthony."

"BUT I DIDN'T!"

Irene stared at her daughter in shocked surprise, her eyes wide. Never once had Y/N shouted at either of her parents, and definitely not so passionately either. Y/N was looking right back at her, her chest heaving and her eyes wet.

"I didn't," she repeated in a much softer voice. "You have to believe me."

"If you had spoken to me in much more reasonable tones I might have listened," Irene snapped. "Your behaviour is unbecoming of your station. I raised you better than this."

"Mother?" Y/N whimpered, confused.

"Anthony warned us of this, as did the Doctor that attended you," Irene said.

"Warned you of what?" Y/N asked fearfully, she didn't like where this was going.

"Emotional outbursts," her mother explained, "episodes, I believe he called them."

"Episodes?" Y/N repeated in a shocked whisper. "But mother, I'm not crazy!" Her voice rose in protest. How could everything have gone so wrong so quickly?!

"No one is saying that," Irene replied.

Y/N was hyperventilating. "This can't be happening," she said between her rapid breaths. Shaking her head, she pressed the heels of her palms to her closed eyes. "This can't be happening."

"Calm yourself Y/N," Irene said firmly. "It was advised that you stay indoors for the next few weeks, at least up until Christmas. It is believed that the cold weather could only worsen your condition."

"Condition?" Y/N whispered harshly as she began to pace. Stopping suddenly, she whirled on her mother. "Are you saying that I am under, how should I put this, house arrest?"

"If that is what you would like to call it."

Y/N gawked at her, unable to believe what she was hearing. Forcing her breaths to even out, she tried again. "Mother, please. You must believe me when I say that I did not choose Lord Anthony."

"And why exactly? On the hearsay of your now absent maid?"

Blinking at the comment, Y/N shook her head before speaking. "Because I had already chosen someone. Someone I believe you would approve of."

"Hannah told me," Irene replied, to the continued shock of her daughter. "I confronted her not two days past and she told me that you had already chosen someone." The beginnings of Y/N's hopeful smile quickly faded as her mother continued. "But alas, that choice is no longer valid, as I have been informed that he died, God rest his soul."

"But-" Y/N began to protest, shaking her head. "He-"

"No," Irene held up a hand, silencing her daughter. "Had he been with us, I would have reconsidered your engagement to Lord Anthony."

"He's not-" Y/N tried again, but was cut off by her mother's glare.

"Enough, Y/N," Irene snapped. "My word is final, as is your father's. Your engagement to Lord Anthony will be announced at the Christmas Eve ball. Until then, you are not to leave this house." With those words, Irene turned to leave, only to be stopped by her daughter's passionate declaration. 

"But he's not dead! I saw him."

Irene turned to look at Y/N and sighed heavily. "Denial will not help you, my dear."

Before another word was spoken, Irene swept from the entrance hall, leaving her distraught daughter to her thoughts.

Y/N, for her part, collapsed the moment her mother left. Wracking sobs tore through her, her breath coming harsh and fast. Pushing herself to her feet, she dashed for the door, only to be stopped by a strong pair of arms that hauled her back.

"Oh no you don't. Did you not hear your mother?"

"You bastard!" Y/N shrieked, twisting in his grip. "First James. Then Hannah and now my mother? Will it be my siblings next?"

"Your maid had it coming," Anthony replied, smiling thinly at a shocked Y/N. "Nosy and irritating thing that she was."

"What have you done to her?"

"Me? Nothing, I simply removed yet another hindrance at getting what I want."

"You won't get away with this," Y/N swore, her tear-filled eyes glaring up at him. "I promise you that."

"Promise all you like," Anthony replied, his grip on her tightening. "But soon all will know that you are to be mine and there is nothing that you or your beloved Captain can do about it."

At the mere mention of him, Y/N choked back a sob and wrenched herself free before dashing past him and out into the cold weather.

Managing to snatch her arm a moment before she was completely out the door, Anthony wrestled her close before once more administering the remainder of the sedative. Hanging limp in his arms, Anthony carried her back to her chambers.


	42. Rumours and the Written word

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I want to do with you what spring does with cherry trees. 
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

_" Dearest Anna-Maria, may I call you that?_

_I am not entirely certain that you will remember me. Although a small selfish part of me hopes that you do. It has been a week to the day since I woke up to you caring for me. What a fool I was to go out riding in such weather! _

_I am afraid that that is not the reason I am writing to you now. The last I saw him, he lay unconcious in the snow and I know that you know that I care for him. Please, I must know, how is he? Is he well? I apologise profusely for how long it has taken for me to say anything. I beg his forgiveness and yours. Had I been able to leave the house, I would have, please believe me. _

_My friend, I write to you so as not to arouse suspicion within my 'fiance'. I have not seen the outside of the manor in all of five days. My darling Sapphire languishes in the stables, no doubt wondering where I am. _

_I have no doubt you may well scoff at what I am about to ask of you. If James is with you or nearby, please tell him of this note, for I should loath for him to believe I have forgotten. Will you do this for me? My heart shall not be at peace with my mind until I know that he is well._

_My warmest and most sincere regards,_

_Lady Y/N Hadleigh "_

"When did this arrive?" James asked, eyes straying back to the note.

"In the morning post, Captain," Anna-Maria replied. "Is everything alright?"

James shook his head and moved to stand by one of the library's tall windows. "She writes that she has not left the manor a little under a week," he murmured. "It cannot be because of the weather. It has been rather pleasant, for winter anyway."

Anna-Maria soon found herself agreeing.

"Is he keeping her there?" He asked, not to anyone in particular. His attention flew back to the nurse. "Surely not?!"

"There is only one way to find out."

"How? I know not how far she may be."

Sighing, Anna-Maria lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. These last few days had been hell for him. Desperately wanting to go after her, yet not knowing where she might be. "She is closer than you think, Captain."

"How can you know such a thing?" James demanded, fragile hoping beginning to creep its way forward.

"Because she told me," the nurse explained with a small smile. "During her rather short stay here."

"Where is she?" James asked, a sense of urgency creeping into his voice.

In answer, Anna-Maria produced the envelope that the note had arrived in.

"Why show me this?"

The nurse smiled. "Turn it over, Captain and you will see from where this letter came."

Doing as instructed, James saw her name printed on the back, the script appeared to be hurried, but it was undoubtedly hers. Below her name, he saw the very same address she had given him all those months ago.

"The Hadleigh estate neighbours this one," Anna-Maria said quietly. "Along the western border."

James felt unable to look away from the hurriedly scrawled words. "All this time," he murmured, "all this time and she was so close."

"Indeed," Anna-Maria agreed, a soft fond smile curving her lips.

Tucking the letter into his coat, James made for the door.

"Wait, Captain. Just where do you think you will be going?" Anna-Maria asked, somewhat alarmed.

"I must go to her," he explained. "Now that I know where she is."

"You will do no such thing," the nurse scolded him. "There was a warning in that note. If she is unable to leave her own home, what makes you think you will be able to go in? If your suspicions prove correct and she is being kept there-"

"I cannot do nothing," James whispered harshly, cutting her off. "Not now that I know."

Anna-Maria grinned in response, much to his confusion. Before she spoke again, she held up a much smaller piece of paper.

"What is that?" James asked warily.

"It came along with the note," Anna-Maria explained. "While the note was addressed to me, this one," she brandished the smaller piece of paper. "Bares your name."

Fighting not to appear too eager, James took the paper and unfolded it.

_" My darling James, my love,_

_Please forgive me for not making contact sooner. My mother and Lord Huntington are most adamant that I ought to stay indoors. I have attempted on numerous occasions to leave, but someone is always there waiting for me. I am certain that I will go mad if I cannot go outside! _

_If you are reading this, I pray that you are well. I pray that the injury he caused you was none too great. I cannot erase that image from my mind, it shall haunt me until I see you again. _

_I love you so very much, my heart. Please never forget that. I fear I must go now, I hear someone coming. I shall write again as soon as I am able. _

_All my love,_

_Y/N_

_Post-Script: I shall make an excuse to leave, I shall go to my grandmother's home in the village. Lord Huntington will be with me. Tomorrow morning. My grandmother's home is at the address provided below. I have always enjoyed her gardens, in particular the ones at the back. "_

"I loath being proven right," James whispered, the note trembling in his hands. "How I wish I was wrong, now of all times."

Anna-Maria needed no explanation. "She is being prevented," she murmured, shaking her head.

"It is as I feared," he said, a little louder this time.

"Did she say why?"

James shook his head and sighed. "No. But it seems that her mother is one of the ones enforcing it. I cannot imagine why."

"Her decision was no doubt influenced by that Lord," Anna-Maria said, her lip curling in disgust. "I have seen his kind before. Charming to only a select few, and only showing their true colours to those that stand against them."

"She said she will try again tomorrow morning," James said, fighting to keep from smiling. "She will go to her grandmother's, who lives in the village."

Anna-Maria found his joy to be rather infectious, "well there we are then." Pausing, she looked at him rather pointedly, raising an eyebrow. "I certainly hope that you will not let the young Lady down?"

Making to defend himself, James stopped when he saw her smile. The soft motherly kind. "Of course I will go. How could I not?"

Anna-Maria nodded, satisfied. "See that you do, young man. I heard the way she spoke of you, the ways her eyes softened whenever she spoke your name. Don't you go breaking her heart, you hear me?"

"You speak as though she were your daughter," James remarked kindly.

She sighed and nodded, smiling wistfully. "Perhaps because I wish that she were."

~ ~ ~

Y/N had no way of knowing if the letter had arrived or not. She knew that the risks in sending it outweighed the reward. Yet, she could not find it within herself to remain silent any longer.

The days had all melted into one. Punctuated only by the rising and setting of the sun. This day however, was different. Her movements though slow from the sedative, had a slight spring to them. If Agatha noticed anything amiss, she said nothing.

It was moments like this in which Hannah's absence was felt the most.

With her hand on the door, Y/N turned to her maid. "After I go down, would you be a dear and bring my coat to the front? The light blue one." At the evident question in her maid's eyes, she chuckled. "Lord Anthony and I will be spending the morning with my grandmother, the Dowager Countess."

"Very good milady," Agatha replied, bobbing a curtsy.

Winking, Y/N swept from the room and descended the main stairs, the wool of her cream-coloured winter gown trailing lightly after her. Her entrance to the dining room was heralded by a hearty good morning from her father.

"Hello my darling," Richard said to his eldest daughter, smiling up at her from his place at the dining table. "Sleep well?"

Y/N paused a little before answering, her gaze flicking briefly to where Anthony sat. "A bit restless, but well enough."

Nodding absently, Richard smiled briefly before turning his attention back to the morning newspaper.

Settling herself beside Annabelle, Y/N took a sip of her orange juice before turning to her mother. "Mother, I have a request."

Irene looked to her daughter and motioned for her to continue.

"I was wondering if I might perhaps go into the village today and visit grandmother?"

"Y/N," Irene replied, setting down her cutlery. "You know the-"

"I won't be going alone," Y/N said quickly, knowing exactly what her mother was about to say. "Lord Anthony will be coming with me," pausing, she turned to him. "Won't you?"

If Anthony was surprised, he hid it well behind a charming smile and a dignified nod. "Of course, I would be happy too. It is time the townsfolk became accustomed to seeing us together."

Grinding her teeth, Y/N forced a smile. "See mother?"

Irene paused a moment before relenting. "Oh very well. Although Y/N, you do surprise me."

"She is my grandmother," Y/N replied smoothly. "Surely I need no specific reason to visit a member of my family?"

Richard was delighted and beamed at her. "A wonderful idea, my dear. I am sure mother will be delighted."

The remainder of breakfast passed in a civil, friendly fashion. Annabelle chatted endlessly about her new horse, a darling white mare whom she had named Eirlys.

It was not however, until Y/N and Anthony sat beside each other in the family motorcar that the tension began to rise. "What are you playing at?" Anthony demanded.

Y/N blinked as though confused. "What are you talking about, my Lord?"

Sighing with blatant irritation, Anthony spoke again. "What is the true reason behind this visit?"

At this, Y/N laughed. "Were you not there when I explained myself to my mother?"

"Did I not warn you not to lie to me?"

She nodded and leaned her head back against the seat. "Then it is a good thing I am not." With those words, she lapsed into silence. Her e/c eyes watched the landscape as it moved past them and she smiled. If all went according to plan, she would see him soon.

Anthony watched her for the duration of their short journey. A nostalgic smile played at the corners of her mouth and her eyes seemed to drink in everything they saw. Her gloved hands lay together in her lap, still and laced together.

The subtle jolt of the car coming to a halt brought them both from their thoughts. "It appears we have arrived," he told her.

Rousing herself, Y/N painted on a small smile and took the hand he extended before stepping out of the car. Taking a deep breath of the cold air, she lifted her chin before reluctantly accepting his arm to lead her to her grandmother's residence.

Needless to say, the Dowager was most surprised to see her eldest granddaughter be shown into the sitting rooms, on the arm of Lord Anthony no less. "Y/N, my dear. What an unexpected pleasure."

"Good morning grandmother," Y/N replied softly and returned the older woman's embrace.

"What brings you here at this hour?"

A genuine laugh bubbled out of Y/N. "It is only three hours before midday grandmother," she said, giggling. "It is not that early."

"Nevertheless," Lady Katherine said, "it had been quite sometime since you have visited me in the mornings."

"I know," Y/N admitted. "But this way we have the whole day ahead of us and besides, mornings are a beautiful time."

Lady Katherine eyed her granddaughter for a moment before speaking again. "I see you brought your fiance with you."

"Yes, indeed I did," Y/N replied, fighting the urge to cringe as she spoke. "We decided it was time that the people started to see us together."

"What an excellent idea," Lady Katherine agreed, smiling. "Has it been publicly announced yet?"

Pausing in her answer as tea was brought in, Y/N waited until the maid had left. "Not yet. Mother wishes for it to happen at the Christmas Eve ball."

"How charming," the Dowager murmured. She looked to Anthony. "Tell me, my Lord, I trust your stay at the Hadleigh estate has been pleasant?"

Anthony nodded, glancing briefly at Y/N, who was studiously blowing on her tea. "They have been most gracious hosts, your Ladyship."

"I am relieved to hear it," Lady Katherine replied, delicately stirring a lump of sugar in her tea.

A brief silence fell over the trio, lightly broken by the setting down of a teacup on a china saucer.

Y/N coughed politely before speaking. "I do not wish to appear rude grandmother, but I appear to need the powder room."

"It is quite alright my dear," Lady Katherine replied. "It is down the hall and the third door to the right."

"Many thanks," Y/N murmured before politely excusing herself and following her grandmother's directions, until she didn't. Glancing quickly over her shoulder, she changed direction and made for the nearest back entrance.

Nabbing a shawl hanging from a peg in the wall, Y/N slipped as silently as she could out into the white of her grandmother's back gardens. Casting one final glance back at the house, she made for the gate that was set into the back wall.

To her great relief, the padlock had yet to be secured, therefore leaving the gate unlocked. Giddy, she pulled the gate open as quietly as she could. Stepping over the threshold, she closed the tall gate behind her and looked out onto the street.

"My Lady?"

Turning to her left, she saw him. Standing on the opposite side of the street. "James," she breathed his name in blessed relief before throwing decorum to the wind and running to him.

With open arms he caught her. "Oh my darling," he whispered, burying his face in her shoulder. "Oh my love, I have missed you."

"I missed you too," she replied, her arms clutching him close. Then, drawing back, she cupped his face, frowning at the bruise on his temple. "Does it still hurt?" She asked softly.

James shook his head and took her hands in his. "No more than our separation, my love."

"It haunted me," she whimpered softly, "that image of you lying in the snow." Tears welled up in her eyes and threatened to spill over.

"Hush my darling," James murmured, pulling her into an embrace and kissing her crown. "I am well. There is no need to worry."

"I will always worry," she said softly before shifting her gaze to him. A tender smile curved her lips. "I do not believe that you have kissed me yet."

"How foolish of me," James murmured in reply, his warm breath fanning over her lips. "How utterly disgraceful."

Delicious warmth spread through her as their lips finally met. Looping her arms around his neck, Y/N pulled him closer, smiling against his lips when she felt his arms encircle her waist. Drawing her closer to him.

All thoughts of impropriety flew from her mind as their kisses grew in intensity. Longing and passion was poured into every movement of their lips and tender love in the way they held each other.

When at last they parted and each was panting lightly, their foreheads remained against the other.

"The way I feel when I'm with you," James said softly, tangling their fingers together. "It is what I firmly believe paradise to be."

Blushing, Y/N ducked her head and smiled shyly. "You make me unbelievably happy," James continued, gently lifting her chin to meet her eyes.

"I feel the same," she replied before turning her head and softly kissing his palm. Nuzzling it, she hummed contentedly. "There is no one for me but you." Then, taking him by the hand, she led him towards the village square.

James, for his part, was more than a little confused. "Where are we going?"

Y/N giggled softly. "There is someone I would love for you to meet."

"Are you not worried what people will say?" James protested quietly, looking pointedly at their joined hands.

Y/N shook her head and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "Not in the least," she replied, "now come. It is not far, just on the other side of the square." Despite her words, Y/N felt the stares and curious glances of the villagers as they passed them by. She was sure they would be whispering in no time.

Soon they came to a house that looked much like the others, only that the bottom half appeared to be outfitted as a shop of sorts. The door stood open despite the cold weather and warm air flowed out to greet them as they approached.

"Mrs.Clifton?" Y/N called as they entered.

James took this opportunity to take stock. Evergreens and bright red holly berries decorated every conceivable surface.

"Lady Y/N? What a surprise this is." His attention was drawn to the speaker. She was woman who appeared to be in her late thirties and sporting a head of dark blonde hair that was fashioned into a braid.

Y/N smiled widely. "Mrs.Clifton, I bid you good morning."

"What brings you here on this fine wintry morning milady?" Mrs.Clifton asked.

"Well," Y/N began, a soft blush creeping its way over her features. "There is someone I would like you to meet. This is Captain Nicholls."

The surprise in the older woman's eyes made Y/N smile wider.

"He is the one I told you of," she continued, "when you gave me the poppy and rosemary seeds."

"Oh," Mrs.Clifton said softly as her eyes swept over him.

James briefly let go of Y/N's hand and took hold of Mrs.Clifton's, "Captain James Nicholls, at your service ma'am." He pressed a polite kiss to the back of her hand before stepping back beside Y/N.

Mrs.Clifton smiled at him. "You are a fortunate man, Captain."

"Indeed I am," he agreed, glancing down at Y/N, a tender look in his blue eyes. "I am very lucky indeed."

"It is I who am the lucky one," Y/N spoke up. "For we are to be married."

Mrs.Clifton gasped and smiled widely. "Oh milady. How wonderful! My congratulations to you both." Her words made Y/N's smile reappear. "Has a date been decided upon?"

Y/N shook her head. "Not as yet. Our engagement will be announced at our annual Christmas Eve ball."

"How perfect," the older woman gushed, pressing her hands together. "It has been an age since we have had a wedding here."

"I will be sure to ask for your assistance with the flowers," Y/N promised, leaning into James as he wrapped an arm around her waist.

"It would be an honour to help you both," Mrs.Clifton replied, her eyes not missing the soft kiss that James pressed into Y/N's hair.

"It was an honour to meet you," he said, smiling at her.

"And you, Captain," Mrs.Clifton replied, smiling fondly at the pair and sighing happily as she watched them leave.

The moment they stepped back out into the cold, Y/N huddled close to him.

"Will they be missing you?" James asked softly as they crossed the village square.

Y/N sighed and nodded. "Without a doubt."

And oh, how right she was.


	43. Hidden for all to see

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your heart is house shaped, and some have knocked to enter, some have broken in but only a few have ever called it home. 
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill (House Shaped Heart)

"How nice of you to rejoin us," Lady Katherine commented dryly as Y/N reentered the sitting rooms.

The younger woman smiled briefly. "I apologise for the delay. I stepped out for a breath of fresh air, I ought to have told you, I apologise."

Her grandmother raised an eyebrow at her words. "It was evidently more than a breath my dear. You have been gone for nigh on an hour."

Schooling her features, Y/N reached forward and took up her cup and brought it to her lips. Oh yes, it had certainly been more than a breath...

_"Here we are then," James stated, his blue eyes seeming to appraise the gate. _

_Y/N nodded. "Yes indeed. I had better go, let they come looking."_

_"Before you go, I have a question."_

_She smiled and nodded. "What is it my love?" _

_"Back there, you said that you had spoken to Mrs.Clifton of me and she gave you seeds?"_

_Y/N's smile became sad and she sighed. "Rosemary and poppy," she said softly. "She noticed that I appeared to be mourning someone even though I did not wear black. She gave me a poppy first. They are said to symbolise remembrance," she explained to a confused James. "Rosemary is too. I told her about you and she gave me the seeds so that I might plant a garden to remember you by."_

_James knew not what to say, but at seeing the tears well up in her eyes, he pulled her close and kissed her forehead. _

_"And do you know what else she said?" Y/N asked, voice muffled against his coat. "That she was sure that I did not need flowers in order to remember you," as she spoke she lifted her head, eyes meeting his. _

_"You planted a garden for me?" James whispered, his heart in his eyes. _

_Y/N nodded. "I would plant a thousand more if I-" any words she might have said were silenced as James leaned down and claimed her lips in a soft kiss. The kiss only grew as neither wanted to let go. "I have to go," she murmured against his lips as they broke apart. _

_"One more," James whispered before kissing her again. _ _Smiling into the kiss, Y/N nodded. _

_"They will come looking," she tried to reason with him, only to make it a few steps before being pulled back, her resistance melting in his embrace. _

_"Last one," he breathed and pulled her close the moment she stepped away. _

_"Last one," she agreed, laughing softly. _

"Y/N?!" 

The sound of her name snapped her back to the present. "Yes?"

"Your tea," her grandmother replied with an air of exasperation. "You are going to spill it if you aren't careful."

Looking down, Y/N saw that the older woman spoke true and righted her cup. "That was close," she muttered before setting it on the table before.

"What has you so distracted today?" Anthony asked from beside her.

"A great many things," Y/N replied. "But none that would interest you, I'm afraid. So I shan't bore you with the details."

"I do believe we ought to get going," he said, addressing both herself and the Dowager. "Isn't that right my dear?"

Y/N nodded absently and took his offered hand when she stood. Shrugging on her coat, she embraced her grandmother.

Surprised, Lady Katherine returned the gesture before stepping back. "It was a pleasant surprise my dear," she said. "I do hope that we might do this again sometime, and perhaps discuss your upcoming nuptials."

Groaning on the inside, Y/N smiled and nodded. "Of course."

"Come darling."

Y/N fought back a hiss at Anthony's utterance of the endearment.

"It was a pleasure to see you again, your Ladyship," he said to the Dowager before bowing and politely kissing her hand.

Lady Katherine watched with a small smile as the couple walked along the short path and as Anthony gave Y/N a hand to step up into the motorcar.

"Just where were you?" Anthony rounded on Y/N the moment the doors closed behind them and the driver climbed up the front. "Where were you for an hour?"

"Did you not hear me?" Y/N shot back, politeness be damned. "The atmosphere in that room was becoming too much for me. Too cloying."

"Do you really expect me to believe that you were out in the garden for an hour?"

Y/N rolled her eyes and settled against the seat. "Believe what you will. No matter what I say you will question it."

"Perhaps I have reason too."

She said nothing in reply. Looking out the window, she lifted the lapels of her coat and tucked her hands further into her pockets.

Anthony watched her from the corner of his eye. Her eyes were distant, her mind evidently too was faraway. He did not for one second believe the story she had spouted to him or to her grandmother. She had been up to something and he was determined to find out what.

Yes. That was it, he would send one of his men to investigate and see just how truthful her little tale really was.

Her politeness towards her grandmother had confused him to no end. Had it all been for show? Did she really not know that the two of them knew each other? He dreaded to think of what it would have been like had he not been there. Would she even have gone?

The questions ran on an endless loop through his mind and afforded him no peace. Perhaps, once they had returned to the manor, he would speak with Agatha. Surely she would have some answers for him.

His contemplation came to an abrupt halt when the car pulled to a stop before the manor's main entrance. Before he could utter a word, Y/N was opening the door and leaping from the vehicle, sprinting in the direction of the stables.

Cursing under his breath, Anthony followed her and saw her practically throw herself at the black Friesian, her arms tight around the horse's neck. Her face buried in the black main as she was raised on her tiptoes.

"Come along," he called to her, gaining her attention. "It will not do to smell of the stables."

Y/N glared at him and stayed right where she was. "Thanks to you I have not seen my darling girl for nigh on a week. The least you could do is give us some measure of privacy."

As though sensing the imminent threat as he took a step towards them, Sapphire moved subtly to stand in front of her mistress. Her ears were laid back in a clear show of hostility. Y/N for her part, looked plenty pleased and more than a little proud.


	44. If money go before, all ways do lie open.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wore a smile like a loaded gun.
> 
> ~ Atticus

She had to be quick. It wouldn't be long before the room's occupant returned. She had to be quick if she were to find anything of merit. Something to show him as answers to the questions he would no doubt have for her.

The room was immaculate, it would be a challenge, that much she knew. She had not been there long enough to grasp where everything was.

She had been about her mission since the young Lady had left with her fiance that morning. It had been the perfect opportunity, and one that she took without hesitation. No one so much as glanced her way when she made her way to the room and enter it. She was her maid after all. It was not strange to be seen in her rooms.

He had made no mention of where she might find it. Yet something told her that he knew. That he had been through his Lady's possessions before.

Agatha let out a rather unladylike growl of frustration as she once again came to a dead end. She had searched everywhere. She had even dared to venture to the vanity table and poke through the drawers. She had found letters yes, but not the one they were in search of. A very specific one, which, when destroyed, would prove to be in their favour.

Panic surged through her when footsteps could be heard approaching the room. Determined not to appear suspicious, Agatha sought all too eagerly for a hiding place. Her eyes swept over the room and landed, with some relief, on the double doors of the Lady's rather extensive wardrobe. Seeing no other option, she slipped inside and waited with baited breath.

A short while, the door to the bedchamber was opened and through the crack she had left, Agatha saw her mistress sweep into the room. Lady Y/N promptly divested herself of her coat and laid it neatly on her bed before all but collapsing at her vanity.

A weary sigh came from the young noble and when she spoke, her voice was equally as tired. "I do not know how much more of this I can take."

For a brief moment, Agatha allowed herself to feel a little sympathetic towards the young woman. Her usually bright eyes were dull and devoid of their spark and no smile adorned her youthful features. It was twisted rather distastefully into a grimace.

"How I wish Hannah were here," she said to the seemingly empty room. Rising from the vanity stool, she made her way to the fireplace and simply stood before it, obscuring the flames from Agatha's view. Placing her hands on the mantle, she bent forward and let her head hang between her shoulders. Elegant fingers drummed against the marble surface, creating an odd sort of rhythm. One that set Agatha's teeth on edge, one that she soon came to realise was a mirror of the Lady's own feelings. She was anxious, dare she say nervous?

For as long as Agatha had known her, and it wasn't very long, Lady Y/N had always appeared calm and in control of whatever situation she found herself in. The rhythm of her drumming fingers slowly drew to a halt, as though her mind had come to a decision. A rather loud slap to the marble startled Agatha, so much so that she stumbled back, catching herself on Lady Y/N's collection of coats.

One that was within her rather tight grip slid free of its hanger and Agatha was forced to catch it before it landed in a heap at her feet. The thick material gathered in her arms, Agatha waited for any signs that Lady Y/N might have heard the tiny commotion within her wardrobe.

When no such sound came, Agatha fought back a sigh of relief. Moving ever so carefully, she maneuvered the garment to slide back onto its hanger. In the process of such a task, a soft, strange sound greeted her ears. Something that wasn't material. 

Curious, she left one hand holding the hanger while the other one searched. Nothing made a repeat of the sound as she swept her free hand over the coat. Dipping her hand into the coat, she was greeted with the expected silk lining. Its softness was seductive and Agatha almost forgot her task. As her hand continued its search, her fingers caught on the undeniable seam of a pocket.

Shrugging in the semi-darkness, Agatha dipped her hand in. Oh, there definitely something in there. Something that was beginning to feel awfully familiar. The sound repeated itself, the sound of crinkling paper.

Excitement ran through her like a bolt of adrenaline. Keeping calm and keeping hold of her believed-to-be prize, she carefully rehung the coat.

So caught up was she in her sudden find that she almost failed to notice the bedroom door opening and closing, signalling the departure of its occupant.

Waiting a moment before stepping out of the wardrobe, Agatha sighed and ran a trembling hand over her face before looking down a the envelope she held. In the light of day she could see her mistress's name written clearly on the front, followed closely by her address.

Curiosity and excitement went hand-in-hand as she pulled the letter from the envelope and unfolded it. Her eager eyes scanned the neat script, line by line she read. It wasn't until the last paragraph that she found what she had been looking for.

Carefully tucking the letter back, she slipped it into her apron pocket and left the room.

Straightening her cap and apron, she began to make her way towards the servant's corridor when a hand shot out from an adjacent room and pulled her in, firmly closing the door behind her.

"Well?"

"Good afternoon to you too, my Lord," she shot back, eyes meeting his.

"Did you manage to find what I sent you in for?"

She nodded and patted her apron pocket. "It took some time but I managed to acquire it without her noticing." Smugness entered her voice and bled into her smile.

He extended a hand, palm up. "Hand it over."

"You could always ask nicely," she sneered, "I risked my position for this. Imagine if she had caught me."

"But she didn't," he whispered, stepping closer so they were toe-to-toe. "Did she?"

Agatha shook her head. "No. I highly doubt she knew I was even there."

"Lets keep it that way shall we? Now, about the letter..."

Huffing playfully, Agatha fished it from her apron and handed it to him. "I do believe that this is the one you are looking for?"

Taking the letter from her, Anthony did a quick scan of its contents before nodding tightly. "Indeed," he murmured.

"What do you intend to do with it?"

"That, sweet girl, is for me to know and for you to find out," he replied, winking.

"Will you destroy it?"

Anthony hummed thoughtfully. "I did consider that, I will admit. Lady Katherine suggested I get rid of it. Take away Y/N's leverage."

"I take it by your tone that you are going to keep it then?"

Anthony nodded. "I believe I will. I have no doubt that she will soon note its absence and when she does...."

"You are going to give it back?" Agatha asked, confused.

Laughing softly, Anthony shook his head before gently tracing the line of her jaw. "Oh no. There will be none of that. I will keep it as a manner of," he paused as he searched for the right word and smiled when he found it. "Persuasion."

"Blackmail?"

"There is no need to make it sound so vulgar," Anthony tutted. "But, in essence, yes. That is exactly what it is."

"Do you believe she will give in?"

"To be entirely honest," he sighed, shrugging. "I do not know. She confuses me. There is no way of telling what she will do next."

"Then you must be sure to find a pattern," Agatha said, sidling a step closer. "Your future depends on it."

_"Our _future," Anthony corrected her. "Or have you forgotten?"

Winking, Agatha shook her head. "Of course I haven't. We need that money. Money that can only come from a family like hers." As she spoke, she stepped closer still and reached up to wrap her arms around his neck. "Money that will free us from this life of pretense."

Anthony smiled and nodded, wrapping his arms around her waist. "But there is still much to be done before that can happen I'm afraid."

"Really?" She whispered, her lips an inch from his. "Something like this?" Her question was swiftly followed by the meeting of their lips.

Groaning into the kiss, Anthony pulled away. "Yes," he breathed, leaning down again. "Exactly like that." This time it did not stop at a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened......


	45. Though those who are betrayed do feel the treason sharply...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Give me your hand out of the depths sown by your sorrows. 
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

"Where is he?" Anna-Maria muttered under her breath as she left the drawing room. Seeing a fellow nurse pass by, she perked up. "Louisa?"

The nurse, a young woman with fire red hair and a temper to match, turned at the sound of her name. "Yes?"

"You haven't seen Captain Nicholls by any chance have you?" Anna-Maria asked, subtly shaking her head as the slight blush that rose to the young woman's cheeks.

"I believe he was last seen in the library," Louisa replied, "he was busy sketching away last I heard."

Humming thoughtfully, Anna-Maria nodded her thanks before heading towards the suggested room.

She found him as Louisa had described. Sitting on the carpet before the roaring fire, James had rested his sketchbook against his right leg that was propped up. The other was stretched out before him. Anna-Maria watched him closely and smiled fondly. The faint sounds of a pencil crossing the paper harmonized beautifully with the crackling that came from the fireplace. His head was bent slightly towards the page and was canted to the side, as though to get a different angle on what he was drawing.

She did not want to disturb him. It was so rare to find moments of peace such as these.

"Captain?" She said softly.

Looking up, James smiled upon seeing who it was. "Miss Gregson."

"Have I not asked you to call me Anna-Maria?" The nurse asked, her smile widening a fraction.

His blue eyes softened and he sighed, setting the sketchbook to the side. "Indeed you have." After a short pause, he spoke again. "What can I do for you?"

"I have it under good authority that the Hadleighs will be throwing a rather extravagant ball for Christmas Eve."

"Yes," James replied nodding, his smile becoming softer than before. "Lady Y/N has extended an invitation to me, though I am not sure as to whether her parents are aware."

"That was very kind of her," Anna-Maria said, "and will you accept?"

"Of course. She intends to announce our engagement that night."

Anna-Maria gasped softly. "My congratulations to you both."

"Thank you," James murmured, almost a little shyly.

"Will you take a turn with me about the house Captain?" Anna-Maria asked, "there is something I must discuss with you."

"Of course," James replied, nodding before pushing himself to his feet. "Allow though to first deposit my sketchbook in my chamber. I do not wish to carry it if I am not planning to use it."

"Naturally."

Nodding in thanks, James left the library and ascended the stairs to the second level of the house. Turning down the right hand corridor, he mentally counted the doors until he came to the one that had been given to him. All officers had received a room to themselves.

He stopped short, however when his eyes narrowed in on the fact that his door was open. Not left open all the way like the nurses did when they cleaned the rooms. A tiny sliver of space was left, enough to peak through.

It was the sounds of shuffling that floated out to him and snapped him from the shocked trance he had fallen into. Shaking his head, James reached for the door with his free hand and pushed it open the rest of the way.

Her letters had been taken from the hiding place and taken from the strap of black leather he had used to hold them in a bundle. Some had been taken from their respective envelopes, while others remained within them. One of them, perhaps the most precious of them all was held in the hands of the intruder.

James could do nothing but stare. When he spoke, the words came out choked and disbelieving. "What are you doing?"

"I should think it rather obvious," the intruder replied, false bravado coating every word.

"Those are private," James continued, swallowing hard. The acute sense of betrayal stabbed through him and remained lodged in his heart. "They belong to me."

"This," they brandished the letter, "will never come to pass. Do you really believe that her parents will allow her to marry below her?"

"It has happened," James replied, his voice a little stronger. "It is to be announced at the ball her family is hosting in two weeks time."

"I see."

"Do you?" James demanded, his usually calm voice taking on a hard edge. "Because I do not. I do not understand why you would do this." His blue eyes stung with impending tears and he blinked to keep them at bay. "Why?" He asked, almost begging. "Jamie, why?"

The Major could not meet his friend's pleading gaze. The guilt ate away at him, with the same intensity as before.

"If you cannot answer me that," James continued in a softer voice, "then tell me, was it you? Was it you that prevented the letter detailing my homecoming from being delivered to Y/N?" He asked as though hoping the answer would be 'no.'

"It was delivered," Jamie said quietly, still not meeting James's eye. "But not to her."

Swallowing hard, James took a deep breath before asking, "who received it instead?"

"The Dowager Countess Hadleigh," Jamie replied. "Her grandmother."

Closing his eyes, James allowed one tear to slip through. "_I am certain she received your letter_. That is what you said. But you knew she wouldn't come. You had me believe that she had left me."

Jamie's silence was all the confirmation he needed.

"I have but one question for you," James asked. "Why?"

"Her grandmother came to me and told me that she was as good as engaged to Lord Anthony Huntington. She knew that I was the only one you would listen too in any matter."

"And you said yes? Why?"

"Because," Jamie replied, finally looking up to meet his friend's eyes. Betrayal swam in those blue pools, poisoning them. "Because she offered me a way out."

"A way out?" James asked, confused. "Of what?"

"Your shadow," the Major sneered, taking James by surprise.

"My shadow?" James repeated.

"Yes. Everyone loves you, looks up to you. Respects you. Despite your less than noble familial background."

"I'm afraid I don't quite understand. The men respect me as much as they do you."

Jamie shook his head and laughed, it was a hollow sound. "Oh no Jim. I have seen the way they look at you when you are otherwise occupied. You are too gentle, too kind to be in a war. And yet, the men look to you."

James could not believe what he was hearing. "I did not know," he whispered.

"Of course you didn't," Jamie replied icily. "You were always occupied with your sketches and horses and _her_ to notice anything."

"So you take from me the woman I love?" James asked, aghast. "Because of some petty jealousy? What of our friendship? Or was that all a lie too?" His voice trembled and his jaw was clenched tight. "I thought higher of you Jamie."

"She is but a small price to pay," the Major replied, smiling thinly.

"Return the letter you took," James said quietly, a firm edge to the words.

"Oh no, I don't think so. For you see, this," he held up the letter where Y/N's elegant script told James the happiest news. "Is the proof you need to convince her family that she chose you."

Before James could react, Jamie tossed the letter into the fireplace, who watched as James rushed past him, falling to his knees by the hearth and thrusting his hands into the flames.

Tears of pain and betrayal clouded James's vision as he desperately sought to retrieve the letter. The flames bit at his hands and he clenched his jaw against the pain. The letter was all but destroyed. Save for one little piece. The piece that now rested in his blistering hands.

James barely noticed it when Jamie left, his wheelchair left behind as yet another piece of his facade. Instead, his stinging eyes were focused down at the charred scrap of paper he held.

_"You are my choice. You are my heart."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?


	46. Snowflakes and stolen moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some nights I wonder if the stars watch us the same way we watch them. Other nights I think of you and I'm sure of it. 
> 
> ~ Beau Taplin (Stargazing)

Christmas, oh how she loved it. Every year since she could remember, she had insisted on helping with the decoration of the house and the towering tree. This year was no different, despite all that happened and would happen, she was determined to enjoy the season.

The combined smells of pine and cinnamon floated through the house, from room to room.

"Come along Annabelle," she called over her shoulder. "It is time for the tree."

At the tree's mere mention, her younger sister hurried to catch up with her as they carried boxes of ornaments down from the rooms set aside for storage. "Do you think they will allow us to put the angel on top this time?" She asked hopefully, for usually it was a star that sat atop the tree's crown.

Slightly adjusting her hold on the box she carried, Y/N looked down at her and shrugged. "I do not know, perhaps."

"I hope they do," Annabelle whispered to herself as they descended the stairs, gaining a smile from her older sister.

The tree was near to brushing the ceiling and both girls had to crane their necks in order to look all the way up. "That has got to be the biggest one yet," Y/N remarked to no one in particular. "How on earth was it brought in?"

"With no small amount of careful planning," came Irene's voice by her elbow.

Y/N sent a beaming smile her mother's way. "It is beautiful, did you pick it out?"

Irene shook her head, "only in part, your father helped."

Y/N returned her rapt attention to the tree. Walking forward as though in a trance, she set the box down and approached the tree. Turning back to her mother, she asked eagerly, "was it covered in snow?"

Irene laughed softly and nodded at her daughter's enthusiasm. It was something she had counted on, a constant in a time of upheaval and change.

"I would have loved to have seen it," Y/N breathed, turning back to the tree.

"Maybe next year you will accompany us?"

Y/N nodded eagerly. "I would love that mother, thank you."

"I shall let you and Annabelle get along," Irene said with a wink. "But remember, no-"

"Climbing the balustrades to hang ornaments," Y/N finished her mother's sentence with a grin.

"I do not want any accidents," Irene continued, "I hope the last time was a lesson well learnt?"

Y/N and Annabelle nodded. "Yes," they said in unison and looked to be restraining full-fledged grins.

Nodding and smiling in approval, Irene swept from the room.

It was truly a lively atmosphere, the servants had become well accustomed to the assistance offered by the siblings over the years. Jokes were told and humorous stories were exchanged and for one afternoon, stations were forgotten and they simply became friends decorating a tree.

From the sidelines Richard watched as his daughters assisted in the tree's decoration. Every year they did this, the boys too.

"I did not think you would allow the servants to behave as they are around your daughters," came a voice to his left.

Looking to the side, Richard saw Lord Anthony stand beside him. "It is a custom my children have developed over the years," he explained, before turning back to watch them. "And who am I to rob them of the joy that Christmas brings?" A small chuckle passed his lips as he watched Annabelle being lifted by one of the footmen so that she could place an ornament in the desired spot. "In a time of war, we must all seek joy where we can."

Anthony said nothing, his gaze drawn to his fiance. His fiance who was currently gesturing rather animatedly as to where a selection of ornaments would look best. A smile lit her face when the maid she had been speaking with lifted one from the box that would match the one Y/N held. Her hair had been pinned up and away from her neck and the sleeves of her lilac gown were rolled up past her elbows.

"She enjoys Christmas then?" He asked softly, "Y/N."

"Oh yes," Richard replied. "It is her favourite time of year."

"I see," he murmured. He needed to speak with her rather urgently and yet she seemed set on avoiding him, leaving the room as he entered it. The last week had been insufferable.

Turning on his heel, he left and made his way to his guest chamber. Had he stayed a moment longer, he would have seen a maid enter and whisper in Y/N's ear, causing a look of alarm to cross her features. He would have seen her leave and follow the maid.

Not bothering to alter her appearance, Y/N hurried after the maid as she led her downstairs and towards the manor's back entrance. As she reached the door, she turned to the maid, "will you keep this between us?" She asked softly, not wishing to draw any unwanted attention. "Please?"

The maid nodded. "Of course milady. Your affairs are your own."

Nodding in grateful thanks and waiting until she had disappeared back up the stairs, Y/N turned back to the door and turned the handle, stepping out into the cold. The slight breeze instantly bit at the exposed skin of her forearms and neck.

Her eyes swept the courtyard. "James?" She whispered, not daring to call his name any louder. Stepping away from the house and rolling her sleeves back down, she began to look for him. Movement out of the corner of her eye caught her attention. By the gate she saw him, huddling like a pauper against the cold weather. It seemed even his thick army issue coat could not keep out the chill.

Hurrying towards him, she offered a small smile. Her smile fell when his gaze met hers. Her heart ached and went out to him at the look in his eyes. They were welling with tears and before she could think twice about it, she wrapped her arms around him and held him close to her heart. His arms did the same, wrapping securely around her as he buried his face in her shoulder. "What is it my darling?" She asked softly, one hand reaching up to stroke his hair. "What has happened?"

He did not answer right away and Y/N became content to simply hold him. Something within her shattered when she felt something wet fall on her shoulder. He was weeping, she realised and tightened her hold. "Please tell me," she implored. "I cannot help if I do not know."

Unwilling to let go of her, his reply was muffled in her shoulder, yet she could make it out all the same. "It was Jamie."

"What was Jamie my love?" She asked, "has something happened to him? I know you two were close."

She felt James shake his head before finally pulling away to look down at her. Reaching up, she gently swiped the tears away and offered a reassuring smile.

"He took the letter I wrote to you," James explained softly, his blue eyes welling with emotions she could not even begin to comprehend. "The letter detailing my arrival home."

Y/N gasped softly, her e/c eyes widening.

"He prevented its delivery to you by sending it to another."

She dreaded the answer, yet she needed her suspicions confirmed. "Who?"

The painful combination of heartbreak, betrayal and apology swam in his eyes when he answered her. "Your grandmother."

Tears of her own blurred her vision and she clenched her jaw. "She knew?" She whispered, unable to speak any louder. "All that time and she knew?"

James nodded. "I am so very sorry," he whispered.

"Sorry?" She repeated, confused. Reaching up she cupped his face with both hands. "You have nothing to be sorry for my love. Nothing at all. Your friend has betrayed your trust in the worst way possible, it is he that should be sorry." Then, unable to do much else, she raised herself on her tiptoes and kissed him, pouring all her warmth and love into him.

James responded eagerly, wrapping his arms around her waist to draw her closer and felt her smile into the kiss. He had been right to come to her, as risky as it had been. She had a right to know. Her quiet patience as she had held him and her gentle pleas to help had been what his heart needed. To be close to her.

Breaking the kiss, Y/N rested her forehead against his. "I am truly sorry for what he did," she murmured. "No true friend would act as he had." Reaching behind her to take his hands, she was alarmed to feel the telltale roughness of bandages around his wrists. Drawing them around, she looked from them to James, a question in her e/c eyes.

"After I discovered his betrayal," James explained, his expression pained and his voice trembling. "He took the letter from you regarding your decision and threw it into the fire, meaning to burn it."

"No," she whispered horrified.

James nodded and smiled sadly. "I could not allow that, I tried to salvage what I could. Only a small scrap remained of the happiest letter I had ever received."

"May I?' She asked quietly. When James nodded, she gently began to peel the army issue gloves from his hands. "Oh James," she gasped softly as the bandages were revealed. With gentle hands, she cupped his injured ones and brought them to her lips. Her tears soaked into the fabric as she tenderly held them close.

Her gentle touch soothed the near constant irritation in his blistered skin and cooled the heat that had not quite left. Not managing any words in the face of her tender ministrations, James settled for a smile.

Looking back to him, Y/N was taken aback by the way he looked at her. As though she were everything right with the world.

"I wish I could invite you in out of this cold," she murmured wistfully, tucking herself into his side, cradling his hands close as his arms circled her.

"That is not yet possible, my love," he replied gently, kissing her snow-dusted crown.

"Will you still come to the ball?" Y/N asked, her gaze turning hopeful as she looked up at him.

In answer, James leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. "Yes," he whispered, his warm breath fanning over her lips.

Y/N hummed happily before claiming his lips once more.

Gently breaking the kiss after a few moments, James looked down at her, regret shining in his eyes. "You should be getting back before they notice your absence."

Y/N sighed as the real world caught up with them. "I do not wish too. Not in the face of this news. I do not wish for you to bare this alone."

"Your mere presence has soothed my troubled mind," James replied, smiling softly down at her. "You have helped in more ways than one my love."

"I will see you soon anyway," she murmured. "The ball is next week and then the whole world shall know."

"I live in joy thinking of that moment," James said softly and kissed her forehead before stepping out of her arms. "I love you my darling, never forget that."

Biting her lip, Y/N nodded and smiled. "I love you too," she whispered and gave his hand a gentle squeeze before reluctantly letting him go. She did not step back into the house until he had faded from her sight.

She sighed blissfully as the warmth of the house embraced her as she made her way back to where Annabelle was with the tree.

Agatha watched her mistress with slightly narrowed eyes. She had seen everything, perhaps it was time Y/N learnt about the missing note.


	47. O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think she was a tender flower you could trample upon? She is wildfire. And she is coming to devour you whole.
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill

Her thoughts would not afford her even a moment's peace. The night passed in a restless fashion, sleep avoided her, even as the sun rose.

Sitting up in bed with the sheets curled around her legs, Y/N tried one more time. Picking up the book beside her, she took a deep breath and attempted to read. Yet the words, ones she had read many times over, failed to capture her interest. Huffing with irritation, she resolved to wait at least until Agatha came.

She knew not what to make of her new maid, she was soft spoken and hard working. Agatha had been in service to her for almost a month now and yet, Y/N still felt unable to feel completely comfortable with the woman. She didn't know why, Agatha was friendly enough but not quite as warm as Hannah had been.

The mere thought of her absent former maid saddened Y/N. Her parents had very clearly not done anything to resolve the issue of her sudden disappearance. Sighing, she rested her head against the headboard and looked out to the snowy landscape beyond the window. More snow had evidently fallen through the night. As the rising sun painted soft orange streaks in the clouds, she rolled over to where the cord hung by her bed. Her hand, however, hovered and delayed in pulling it. It was still rather early.

Sighing, she let her hand drop and moved the covers aside to stand. Wrapping her dressing gown around herself, she walked to sit by the window seat. She did not know how much time had passed when a soft, almost uncertain knock shook her from her thoughts.

"Enter," she said softly, she worried for a brief moment that the person had not heard her and made to speak louder when the door opened to reveal Agatha. Y/N smiled at the maid. "Good morning Agatha."

The maid responded with a small curtsy. "Good morning milady. Would you like to ready yourself for the day or shall I return a little later?"

Y/N blinked a few times before answering. "My goodness, is it that time already?" Shifting from her position by the window, she stood and nodded. "I suppose I am yes."

Unable to repress a smile, Agatha went to the wardrobe. "Anything in particular today milady?"

Y/N thought for a moment before replying. "The light green cashmere skirt with the white silk blouse I think, yes, the one with the billowing sleeves and 'V' shaped neckline."

Moments later Agatha emerged, carrying the desired items.

"And your hair milady?" She asked after helping her mistress into the chosen outfit.

Sitting at her vanity, Y/N met her maid's eyes through the mirror and smiled. "A simple braid will do for today, but with my green silk scarf threaded through it."

As Agatha brushed and plaited her hair, incorporating the suggested scarf, Y/N fought the urge to open the drawer that held the letters. So she busied herself with selecting her earrings for the day. Simple golden hoops that were neither too large or too small and complimented the scarf beautifully.

"There we are milady," Agatha announced, stepping back for Y/N to get up and gain a better view of her hair. "All done."

"Thank you," Y/N replied, smiling widely as she caught sight of the threaded through scarf. "It is beautiful."

"Will that be all milady?"

Y/N nodded, "for the moment. I will be taking breakfast with the family, but I shall call for you should I need anything."

Bobbing a curtsy, Agatha left, closing the door softly behind her.

"No," Y/N muttered to herself as her mind once again began to plague her. "They are expecting you, you can always check later." With those words, she forced herself to leave the room, casting one last glance at the drawer.

"Good morning my dear," Irene spoke up as she entered the dining room. "You look lovely today."

Blushing at the compliment, Y/N smiled at her mother. "Good morning mother." Upon greeting her father and sister, she busied herself with filling her plate and taking her place.

"Green becomes you," said a voice across from her.

Biting the inside of her cheek, Y/N forced a smile for the man she had been actively trying to ignore the moment she entered. "Thank you my Lord," she replied softly.

"You remind me of one of the gypsies that passed through last Summer," Annabelle piped up, making Richard laugh.

"I quite liked the gypsies," her sister replied, grinning. "So thank you."

Breakfast was an all 'round quiet affair, broken only by the odd comment here and there. The girls were excited to continue with the decorating, in particular Annabelle, who having a hard time sitting still.

Y/N however, was faraway. Her thoughts kept flying back to the conversation with James the afternoon prior. A feeling of unease crept through her, one that only aided her distracted mind.

She knew it was rude, but she could see no other way. She had to know.

"Y/N?" Her mother asked, startled by her impending departure. "What is it?"

"I am so sorry," she apologised, clasping her hands in front of her, as though in prayer. "But there is something I must know, and my mind will not give me peace until I do." With those words she dashed from the room and made for the stairs.

Hurrying to her room, she entered and forgot to close the door behind her.

She went straight for the drawers. One in particular and drew out her bundle of letters. Slipping the ribbon off, she desperately searched through the them, reading each in turn. Her fear only grew as she could not find it. Placing the letters on the vanity, she began to pace. Where was it? Where could it be?

Stopping to lean against one of the bed posts, she bit her lip and narrowed her eyes in thought. She remembered reading it, and Hannah had been there. Her eyes lit up with memory. Breathing a sigh of relief, she moved to her wardrobe and began to rifle through her collection of coats.

Which one had she been wearing that day? Unable to remember, she sought through the pockets of every one. Each time she was greeted with disappointment.

Coming to the last one, she prayed that this was the one. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she readied herself. Opening her eyes, she lifted the coat of its hanger and searched. Once, twice, three times. The pockets were empty.

Panic rushed through her. Where on earth was it? She was sure she had put it in the coat pocket that day. Rushing from the wardrobe, she went back to the letters and rifled through them, laying them on her bed as she finished reading them.

"Any chance this is the one you are looking for?"

Y/N's body froze, only her head moving up. Her e/c eyes glared at the speaker and white-hot anger burned through any fear as she saw what he held mockingly out to her. "How-"

"Do I have it?" Anthony finished her question, fully stepping into the room and closing the door behind him.

Y/N said nothing, her jaw clenching and unclenching as her hands curled into fists.

Smirking at her silence, Anthony crossed the room and stood before the fire. "I must say, it did take you a while to notice its absence."

"Give it back," she hissed, her vision tinging red.

"No," he replied, "I don't think I will. I will lose my leverage if I do."

"You mean to blackmail me?" She gasped, horrified.

"After a fashion."

"What more could you possibly want?" Y/N demanded, her eyes trained on the letter. "I'll be marrying you after all. Hasn't that been your aim all along?"

"You are not wrong my dear," Anthony replied, holding the letter dangerously close to the flames and Y/N's heart stuttered in fear. "But there is one, just one more thing."

"What?" She asked, inching a few steps closer.

"I would like for you to make the announcement at the ball."

Y/N felt all the blood drain from her face as she stared at him in blatant shock. "What?" She asked again, her voice weaker this time.

"You will be the one to announce our engagement to the world," Anthony repeated, his eyes taking in her trembling form. "Do that and your precious letter will be saved, for you to keep as a memory of times past."

Y/N felt herself choke on the words she wanted to hurl his way. Instead, she met his gaze with her tear-filled one. "Why are you doing this?" She whimpered, all the fight leaving her. "Why are you so cruel to me?"

Any other man might have taken pity on her. Any other man might have answered her.

Stumbling to the nearest chair, she collapsed into it and looked up at him. The man her parents wanted her to marry. "You have taken everything from me. My freedom, my choice, the man I love-"

"You will not speak of him in my presence," Anthony hissed, striking her across the face. "I know that you were with him yesterday. Do not think you are able to fool me."

That was it. Standing up despite her trembling legs, Y/N glared at him. "I am glad that you know," she spat, "for soon the whole world shall. Yes, I will make the announcement of my engagement at the ball, but it will not be to you." She smiled viciously at the rage in his eyes as he comprehended her words. "You will be exposed for the liar you are and my grandmother along with you."

"We shall soon see who they believe the liar to be when you have no proof of your claims," Anthony replied, his expression livid.

"I have all the proof I need."

Anthony raised an eyebrow, "do you?" With those words, he dropped the letter into the dancing flames below and caught Y/N as she made to retrieve it.

"You bastard!" She screamed, struggling violently to reach the fire. "You monster!" Her hand clawed for freedom, yet his arms held her tightly. Her eyes followed the page as the flames swallowed it, taking the word with it.

Only when the flakes of ash fell to the bottom of the hearth, did Anthony let her go. Stumbling towards the fire, she fell to her knees before it and would have buried her hands in the ash, had he not pulled her away. Her weeping filled the room as tears streamed down her face.

"Cease in your noises," he hissed in her ear. "Lest you wish for your family to discover us?"

Spinning around to face him, she delivered a blow of her own, her nails scratching at his eye, drawing blood from the skin beneath it. "It is better if they did," she shot back, stumbling away from his grasping hand as one covered the injured skin. "It is time they learnt the truth about you."

"You ungrateful wench," he snarled, lunging towards her.

Sidestepping his advance, she leapt to her window and made to open it. Her hands trembled as she did so, from rage and fear, from horror and despair. Silently cursing herself, she glanced over her shoulder and gasped when she saw how close he was.

At last the catch gave way and the window swung open, letting in a gust of wintry air. Clenching her teeth against the cold, Y/N braced herself and moved so that her legs hung over the edge.

"Don't you dare," Anthony growled from behind her and before he could make a grab for her, she leapt.

The snow, fortunately, was thick enough to cushion her fall. Shooting upright, she stumbled out of the bank of snow and looked up to her window. Her heart raced when she did not see Anthony lean out the window.

Not taking any chances, she began to fight her way through the snow, in the direction of the stables where Sapphire was.

"Not so fast milady," the words accompanied a rather firm grip on her arm.

Y/N turned slowly to face the speaker. "Agatha?" She choked out the name of her maid.

The woman in question smiled. "The very same." Leaning a little to the side, she called out in a louder voice. "She is here my love!"

_'My love?' _Y/N furrowed her brow in confusion.

"There you are," Anthony replied, coming around the corner.

"You two?" Y/N hissed, renewing her earlier struggle for freedom. Agatha's grip was unusually strong for such a slight build. Directing her glare to Anthony, she spoke again, "and you would dare to accuse me of being unfaithful. You hypocrite!"

"Now now," Agatha spoke up, earning Y/N's venomous glare. "There is no need for that. His infidelity to you is really one to me."

"What are you on about?" Y/N hissed, e/c eyes narrowing.

"His marriage to you is purely for the world," Agatha explained to a disbelieving Y/N. "The wealth you will bring will serve us well."

Y/N felt her jaw drop in horror for the situation she now found herself in. However, before she could shoot anything back, a blinding pain struck her temple before it all went black.

"What now?" Agatha asked, looking down at the unconscious form of her mistress.

"Go and inform her Ladyship, the Dowager of these developments," Anthony replied before looking down at Y/N. "I will handle her."


	48. This was the most unkindest cut of all;

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She wasn't sad anymore, she was numb, and numb, she knew, was somehow worse. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

Agatha ran. Disregarding the cold weather, she ran. Adrenaline pumped through her, propelling her onwards. She knew the way well, the sense of urgency pulling her towards the Dowager's residence.

Choosing to take the back streets, Agatha traced her way to the well-known back gate that led into the Countess's back gardens. Finding the gate to be unlocked, she pushed it open and secured it behind her before making for the house.

To say that Mr.Owens was surprised to see her was an understatement in itself. Her wild appearance not helping her case in the slightest.

"I must speak with her Ladyship," Agatha explained, panting as she did so. She had not run for quite some time, she hadn't had too.

"I'm afraid that may prove to be impossible," Mr.Owens replied, sounding just a little too pleased at the notion. He had never liked Agatha, nor that Lord she was always in the company of. He could not understand why his mistress would keep company such as those two. Their history alone was enough for anyone in full possession of their senses to avoid them.

"It is urgent," Agatha insisted. "She will want to hear what I have to say."

"She is entertaining a Major Stewart at present," the butler explained. "You will have to wait, it would seem."

"Major Stewart?" Agatha repeated, surprised. "Jamie Stewart?"

Mr.Owens nodded. "The very same."

Agatha broke out into a smile. This was perfect. Disregarding the indignant butler as she pushed past him, Agatha found her way to the drawing rooms. Voices filtered out to her through the closed doors. Suppressing a smile, she opened the doors and stepped in, making sure to close them in the butler's face.

Spinning around to face them, she gave them no time to question her presence or her unannounced arrival. The smile had fallen from her face, replaced by an all together more serious expression, one that seemed to be mirrored on the Major's own face.

"Agatha?" Lady Katherine said, surprised at her sudden appearance.

"I apologise for the intrusion your Ladyship," Agatha said, bobbing a quick curtsy. "But something has happened that I believe you ought to know about."

"If the news you bare is similar to that of Jamie's then I suggest you sit down, dear girl and take a breath before saying anything further."

Doing as directed, Agatha sat beside the Major and took a series of breaths to calm herself. When she spoke, her voice was soft, thought it held an undeniable edge to it. "A most unfortunate development has occurred since last we spoke."

Leaning forward, Lady Katherine motioned for her to continue, her eyes briefly looking to the Major.

"Anthony burnt the letter-" Agatha began, only to be interrupted by a smiling Lady Katherine.

"But surely that is good news?"

"It should have been," Agatha agreed before continuing. "But in a show of defiance in the face of the letter's destruction, Lady Y/N told him that she would announce her engagement to the Captain at the ball, not to Anthony."

"Jamie said much the same," Lady Katherine murmured. "Jamie found her letter to James, regarding her decision. James told him much the same. That the announcement would be made at the ball."

"We cannot let that happen," Agatha protested. "Not after everything."

"It will be more difficult than we thought," the Dowager replied. "The entire village is buzzing with talk of seeing her and the Captain together. It would be just like her to tell anyone they came across that she would be marrying him instead of Anthony."

"Her defiance knows no bounds," Agatha muttered to herself.

"Indeed," Jamie murmured in agreement. "Her influence is spreading to James it would seem."

"How are we to stop this?" Agatha demanded. Her impatience showing rather clearly. "Y/N now knows of my involvement and will not hesitate to act should she see me again."

"Then she shall not see you," the Dowager replied, a small smile working its way to her thin lips.

Both Agatha and Jamie looked to her in confusion.

"You will not be there," Lady Katherine explained. "In order to gain Y/N's compliance we must utilise those she trusts."

"Her family?" Agatha asked, the wheels in her mind turning. "Anthony tells me that her brothers will be arriving in time for the ball. Y/N and her sister know nothing about it. Anthony overheard Lady Irene and Lord Richard discussing it not three days passed."

"No," Lady Katherine said, shaking her head. "It would be too predictable and besides, they know of the fractured relations between Y/N and myself. Irene would never side with us, nor would my son for that matter."

"Then who?" Jamie asked, intrigued.

"There is one person that she trusts above all else, only one person she trusts aside from her family. This person knows Y/N well, having grown up in the same house and being only a year younger. She was in service to Y/N for a number of years and became unwaveringly loyal to her."

Agatha's eyes widened a fraction as realisation dawned. "Hannah Osborne?"

The Dowager nodded. "Indeed."

"But what motive would she have for doing as we ask? If her loyalty is what you claim it is, we have little to no chance. She will sway the first chance she gets. And where is she anyway?"

"She is here," Lady Katherine replied, reaching to ring the bell that sat on the table beside her. "And she will not sway towards her mistress, I can promise you that."

In answer to the ring, Mr.Owens opened the door. "You rang milady?"

"Indeed, Mr Owens. Would you be so kind as to retrieve our guest from her room?"

Nodding, the butler left, closing the door behind him.

"How can you be sure?" Agatha asked, leaning forward to brace her forearms on her knees.

"Soon you will see," the Dowager replied, winking and settling back in the sofa just as the doors reopened to admit two people.

Mr.Owens was the first to enter. Stepping to the side, he ushered a young woman into the room, smiling gently at her and nodding when she turned slightly to glance at him.

"Miss Osborne," Lady Katherine spoke up, addressing the young woman.

At the sound of that voice, the young woman flinched and curled her hands at her sides.

Agatha and Jamie peered at the newcomer. Neither had met Hannah before, but something about her told them that she had not always been so meek and quiet. Merely by her appearance it was suggested that those two qualities had taken quite some time for her to learn.

"Step forward please Hannah," the Dowager said, motioning her forward.

As she stepped into a patch of sunlight, Agatha and Jamie could clearly see the signs of exhaustion on the young woman's face. Her hair and clothes were neat and orderly, her nails scrubbed clean. She looked as any perfectly respectable house maid ought too. Save, that is, for the hunted look in her eyes. A look that was accentuated by the bruise-like shadows under her eyes.

"You remember your time in service to Lady Y/N Hadleigh do you not?" Lady Katherine asked, smiling slightly as Hannah appeared to wince at the mention of her former mistress's name.

Nevertheless, she nodded.

"You will be returning," Lady Katherine informed her. "The Christmas Eve ball is fast approaching and she is need of someone she knows well. Someone like you. I am sure she will be overjoyed at your return."

Hannah said nothing. Her back stung with the memory of what happened every she mentioned her former mistress, or spoke with any form of defiance. The name of Lady Y/N Hadleigh had become one associated with pain and torment, therefore resulting in Hannah avoiding it all together.

Hearing it now been spoken caused her to flinch in reflex.

"You have a very important task ahead of you, dear Hannah," Lady Katherine was saying.

Still, Hannah said nothing.

"Your dear former mistress has taken it upon herself to defy the wishes of those that desire only the best for her," the Dowager explained. "When you return, you must persuade her to change her mind. She will listen to you. She always has. She wishes to announce her engagement to a man that is below her in every way, someone that will bring her only shame and disgrace. You must sway her towards the better man, the one who will provide her with the wealth and security that her station demands. One that will lift her in the eyes of society. Can you do that?"

Silence fell as Hannah remained quiet. After a short while, she gave a small nod, grimacing slightly as she did so.

"What have you offered her for her compliance?" Jamie asked, keeping his attention on Hannah while speaking with the Countess. "Money?"

Lady Katherine smiled and shook her head. "Oh no dear Major. I have offered her something far more precious. Her life."

~ ~ ~

When Y/N woke, it was with a splitting headache. Squinting, she tried to see where she was. 

"You are finally awake, what a relief," said a voice from beside her.

Despite her state of disorientation, Y/N flung herself away from the speaker, only to come in contact with felt like a wall. It was certainly hard enough. Shaking her head, she blinked to clear her vision and found herself in what appeared to be a vaguely familiar room.

"Where am I?" She asked, wincing at her dry throat.

"Somewhere where we shall not be disturbed," Anthony informed her, moving to stand. "It seems that you and I are long overdue for a little chat darling."

"Do not call me that," she hissed, pushing against the wall to help her stand. Swaying as she did so. Leaning back against the wall, she took further stock of her surrounds. It was becoming a little more familiar to her.

"You seem to think you still have a choice," Anthony said, crossing his arms and looking down at her. "But as far as your parents and tangible proof are concerned, you do not."

"What are you going to do?" Y/N asked wearily. She was growing tired of this. "Force me at gunpoint?"

"Do not be absurd," Anthony scoffed. "Violence will get us nowhere."

"Says the man who has struck me twice already," Y/N shot back. "You are a hypocrite Anthony. A hypocrite and a liar." When she received no response, she sighed and pushed away from the wall and made for the door a short distance away. With her hand on the handle, she turned to look a him over her shoulder, "even if you were the last man on this earth, I would not marry you."

Anthony's strange silence ended as she opened the door. "If you go through with this, your Captain will not live to see the next day," the threat was softly delivered.

Y/N's grip tightened on the door handle, her knuckles turning white. "Are you telling me that you would let him live even if I agreed?" She asked, hating how her voice trembled. "Your rival?"

"Of course," Anthony replied. "I am a man of my word. He will be very welcome to attend our wedding, if he so wishes."

A ragged gasp tore from her before she bit her lip and turned to fully face him. "Is there no limit to the pain you wish to inflict upon me?"

"This would not have happened had you simply agreed."

Y/N shook her head. "No," she said, meeting his eye. "This would not have happened had his letter of his survival not been kept from me."

Anthony paled, making her smile grimly.

"Of course you knew," she whispered, "it does not surprise me that my grandmother would share that with you."

"It makes no difference."

"Of course it does," Y/N replied, "it makes all the difference in the world."

"By the time your parents are made aware of its existence," Anthony said, moving to stand directly before her. "We shall be happily married."

"I would not count on that," Y/N replied, lifting her chin and turning once more for the door. She stopped with one foot over the threshold. She spared a glance for him. "In threatening his life, you threaten mine too. For do not believe for one moment that I will be willing to live in a world where you called on death to take him from me."


	49. Dance with me for the world does not exist tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My love, you have too many smiles left in you to be so sad. 
> 
> ~ Atticus

The day began as all the others had. The sun rose over the Graywall manor, rousing all those within its walls.

James smiled to himself as he readied himself for the day ahead. It was a special day. An exciting day. A day he had long since longed for. Gazing out the window, he sighed, it looked to be a beautiful day and he was impatient for the sun to set, even so soon after its rising.

A light knock on the door revealed Charlie. Over the weeks since they had first arrived, his dependence on the cane grew less with each passing day.

"Good morning Charlie," James greeted him, smiling as he fixed his tie in place.

Charlie chuckled and crossed the threshold. "You seem very chipper this morning, might it be because of a certain ball?" He asked, raising an eyebrow and grinning.

"Do not act like you aren't looking forward to this as much as I," James replied, turned to properly face his friend.

"I said no such thing," Charlie said, raising his hands in mock surrender. "We both have different reasons for looking forward to this evening's event." Pausing, Charlie approached his friend and lay a gentle hand on his forearm. "For what its worth, I am happy for you," he said, smiling slightly. "For you both."

"Thank you," James murmured and patted the hand that lay atop his arm.

"Have you got the ring?"

The Captain nodded and went to the bed's right-hand nightstand. Opening the top drawer, he drew out a small box. The once rich blue velvet had worn down over the years since his uncle had given it to him.

_"I know not when you'll find her," his uncle said, pressing the box into his nephew's hand. "Or who she'll be. So remember only one thing, James. When you look into her eyes, can you see your future there? Answer that question and you will soon know if she is the one."_

James smiled faintly at the memory. _'Oh yes,' _he thought to himself, _'I most certainly can. A future without her is no future at all.' _Looking down at the box, he carefully pried it open to reveal the ring that lay inside. It was simple enough yet finely made. Crafted with undeniable skill. He hoped that she would not look down upon it for its simplicity, knowing that she was accustomed to much grander and much more beautiful pieces of jewellery than this.

"Your uncle gave that to you didn't he?" Charlie's soft question brought him from his thoughts.

James nodded. "Yes," he replied, "it was my mother's. My uncle managed to gain possession of it before the burial."

Charlie watched his friend closely. It was not often that James spoke of his family, and when he did, his voice was always carefully controlled, some might even say detached. But Charlie knew better. It was deeply traumatic for James and a topic he did not broach often.

"I remember seeing my mother wear it," James was saying, still looking down at the ring. "It was one of her most precious possessions, made that way because it was my father who had given it to her."

"He gave it to the woman he loved," Charlie said softly. "And now you will do the same."

When James looked to him, it was with tears in his eyes, ones he blinked away as he nodded, laughing softly. "It will gladden my heart to see her wear it. I do believe that she would have liked her. Y/N."

Charlie chuckled. "Of course she would have, your Y/N is quite the charming one. Different too, from others of her station. I do believe that your father would have liked her too, am I right?"

James nodded and smiled widely, closing the box and returning it to the drawer. "Yes. I do believe he would have. I recall he and mother talking of having a daughter. Y/N would have been that to him. To them both."

"They will be with you tonight," Charlie assured him. "You can be sure of that."

~ ~ ~

Y/N was beyond excited. Flitting about the room, she was only faintly aware of Hannah's smirk and soft laughter. It had been a mere few days since her dear Hannah's return and Y/N had been overjoyed, barely restraining herself from flinging her arms around her. It was so good to have her back and especially now.

In Y/N's mind, the sun could not set quick enough. Every so often she would look out the window to see the sun's progress. Now being one of those times.

"No matter how many times you do that milady," Hannah spoke up, a smile in her voice. "The sun will not move any faster than it usually does. Night will come soon enough."

"I know," Y/N sighed and flopped down on the window seat.

"Rumour has it that you have sent to London for a dress to be made, specially for tonight."

Y/N nodded and leaned back against the window frame. "Indeed I have. It should be arriving today after lunch." Turning to look at her maid, she grinned. "It is a special occasion after all. It is not every day that a girl like me gets engaged to the man she chooses."

Hannah sighed and twisted her hands within her apron. Must she really do this? Y/N looked so happy, blissfully looking out the window and smiling softly as though lost in a pleasant daydream. Her mistress's happiness had always been a priority of hers and to try and dissuade her now? The very notion of it tasted like acid in her mouth and burned her throat the longer she kept silent.

"Milady?"

"Yes?" Y/N blinked back to the present and glanced over at Hannah. Hannah who seemed rather nervous about something. "Hannah is anything the matter?"

The maid began to shake her head before stopping and hesitantly nodding. "I'm afraid so, milady."

Concern washed over her features as she left the window to stand before her maid. "What is it?" She asked gently. "Please tell me so that I know how to make it right."

At her mistress's words Hannah broke down. She collapsed before a startled Y/N and wept.

Joining her maid, Y/N knelt on the carpet and urged Hannah to look up at her. "Whatever is the matter?" She asked, reaching out to swipe the tears away.

Her mistress's gentle ministrations only served to heighten her guilt and made her shy away. She did not deserve Y/N's kindness, not after what she had agreed to do.

Alarmed at Hannah's reaction, Y/N persisted in her questions. "Hannah please," she implored her, reaching for her even as she back away. "I cannot help if I do not know."

"I do not deserve this," came the choked reply. "Any of it."

"Deserve what?" Asked a thoroughly confused Y/N. "Hannah you are confusing me."

"All of this," Hannah said, still not looking at her. "Your relief at my return. Your warmth. Your kindness and generosity."

Y/N let out a confused laugh and tried to approach her once more, only to have her retreat. "Of course you do. You were sorely missed. I care not where you truly were, only that you have returned to me, for I have missed you so."

"I was at your grandmother's," Hannah admitted in a small voice.

"I'm sorry?" Y/N wasn't sure she'd heard right.

"Lord Anthony brought me there after he had administered a sedative to my usual morning tea," Hannah explained, her voice hoarse and her eyes red. "Her Ladyship saw fit to draw any means of defiance from me the moment I woke, that and," she paused and finally met Y/N's wide eyes. "Any loyalty to you."

Y/N was struck silent with the horror of it all. She remained where she was, unable to move.

"Milady?" Hannah asked nervously. She had never seen her mistress like this before.

Her title seemed to snap her out of whatever trance she had fallen into. When she looked to Hannah, there were tears in her e/c eyes. "She tortured you?" She choked out, voice trembling.

"Not her directly," Hannah murmured, "but yes. She oversaw it."

Y/N's vision tinted red. Standing up, she walked to where Hannah was huddled and pulled her to her feet before enveloping her in a crushing embrace. "She will pay for that," she vowed, her breath ruffling the cap Hannah wore. Drawing back, she smiled at her maid. "Then I am all the more glad for your return. You have managed to escape her clutches and I could not be more proud."

Hannah avoided her mistress's gaze and shook her head. "I did not escape milady."

"Then how are you here?" Y/N asked, eyes narrowed.

"They brought me here," Hannah explained. "They allowed my return."

"I see," Y/N said slowly. "I assume they had a reason?"

Hannah nodded. "They wished for me to change your mind regarding the announcement at tonight's ball."

"Of course they did," Y/N muttered to herself. Then, looking back to her maid, she asked, "and will you? Try to change my mind?"

Hannah's hesitance made Y/N frown. An eternity of silence passed before she spoke, her voice small and vulnerable. "I cannot."

Y/N's relief was palpable and her frown melted into smile. Taking both of Hannah's hand in hers, Y/N urged her maid to look at her. "You cannot possibly know what joy and utter relief I feel upon hearing those words."

Hannah smiled shyly.

Y/N's smile widened, "there we are," she said happily. "I would like you to be there tonight Hannah, when I make the announcement."

"Oh milady," Hannah gasped. "I would be honoured."

Y/N winked. "It is settled then. I cannot wait to show you the gown I will be wearing. I do believe it is the most beautiful ever to be created."

Hannah chuckled at her excitement. A great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It had been the right choice.

The remainder of the day passed them by in a leisurely fashion. Hannah had soon been called away to help with the remaining preparations, leaving Y/N to stealthily hide her gown away the moment it arrived. The gloves she had ordered alongside had been neatly folded on top.

It was near sunset when Y/N flew back to her room from the library. A smiling Hannah was waiting.

"Would you like me to arrange your hair first milady? Or is the mystery gown to be first?" She asked with a hint of teasing.

Y/N shook her head and sat down by the vanity. "Hair and face first if you don't mind Hannah."

Nodding, the maid approached the table and began to brush through her mistress's hair. "Any style in particular that you fancy milady?"

Y/N thought for a moment before nodding and explaining it to Hannah. In what felt like no time at all, her hair had been swept up into an elegant updo and her face had been painted with simplicity that also spoke of elegance.

Delighted with the results, Y/N leapt up from the seat and sparing a hug for Hannah, knelt by the foot of her bed to retrieve the box in which the gown and gloves were housed. Carefully lifting the lid and setting aside the snow-white gloves, she drew the delicate tissue away to reveal the gown itself.

"Oh milady," Hannah gasped, coming to stand beside her. "It is gorgeous."

Y/N beamed. "Isn't it just? It is exactly as I had imagined it."

"But the colours milady?" Hannah asked, "they are not the ones you usually wear for tonight's ball."

Y/N shook her head and smiled gleefully. "Oh no. That they are not. But you shall soon see why."

Helping her mistress into the gown, Hannah mulled over what her mistress could possibly have meant. Silently passing over the white gloves, she stood aside so that Y/N might see into the mirror.

"Oh yes," she breathed, clearly ecstatic, "this is perfect."

"You look very fine milady," Hannah spoke up, earning a smile from Y/N.

"Thank you," she replied, "truly." With those words, she swept from the room, the train of her gown flowing out behind her.

~ ~ ~

The manor was awash in light. Lamps had lit the way for carriages and motorcars. Golden light showcased every angle and grand sweep of the grand home before them. Neither had ever been to the Hadleigh manor before. Both had been surprised that Jamie was not in attendance and James soon found his mood souring at the thought of the Major but swiftly dismissed such thoughts. Y/N was waiting for him.

Dressed in their dress uniform, James and Charlie soon melted in with the crowd of other military personnel also dressed in their dress uniform.

The interior was resplendent with tastefully placed Christmas decorations and the scent of fresh pine wafted through.

Then he saw her. She was standing beside her parents with her sister Annabelle standing right alongside. James found himself at a loss for words. The image of her arrayed in those colours would never leave him. She smiled warmly at all those that approached her, her gloved hand gracefully extended and her head inclined as her lips moved in gracious welcomes.

James could not hear what she said, but he clearly heard her gasp from he stood a short distance away.

"Who are they?" Charlie whispered to him, attention fixed on the three young men that stood before her.

In truth, James did not know but he could begin to suspect. Y/N's eyes were welling up with happy tears while Annabelle was clinging to one of them as though to a lifeline. Y/N soon followed suit. Reaching towards them, she flung her arms around the trio and held them close. James smiled to himself, oh yes, now he believed he knew who they were. "They are her brothers," he explained to Charlie.

"Oh."

Unaware of a watchful presence close by, both Officers approached the family.

Y/N saw him the moment her brothers left with Annabelle. She would have liked nothing better than to go with them but her parents insisted she stay. She was glad she had. Her heart leapt within her as they came closer and she fought the urge to look directly at him.

Her mother and father's greetings sounded muted in her ears and only became clearer when her name was mentioned. Charlie was before James and she extended her hand to him as she done to many others. "It is good to see you again Lt.Waverly. It has been much too long."

Charlie smiled and nodded, "indeed it has milady."

When her eyes finally found him, she saw him already gazing at her. A small smile playing at his lips. Once again she extended her hand and returned his smile. "The same to you Captain Nicholls. I am relieved to see you well."

Taking her offered hand, James raised it to his lips and pressed a tender kiss to her silk covered knuckles. "I thank you My Lady," he said softly, gently squeezing her hand, his heart stuttering when she returned the gesture with a soft pressure from her own hand.

Y/N met her gaze with his. Blue meeting e/c.

All too aware of the throng surrounding them, James reluctantly let her hand drop. "May we cross paths throughout the evening, My Lady."

Y/N simply nodded, her breath catching at his use of her title.

The moment he and Charlie faded into the crowd, Irene turned to her daughter. Any words she had meant to say were silenced by a cold look from Y/N. A look that said, "do you believe me now?"

As the last of the guests were greeted, Anthony approached his fiance, offering her his arm. "Rather inappropriate colours don't you think my dear?"

Y/N shook her head and reluctantly took his arm. "No, I do not think so," she replied icily. "They fit rather well."

The moment they entered the ballroom the amassed crowd erupted into applause. The music then began to play, signalling the first of many dances.

Classical music swept through the air, guiding the dancers across the polished marble. Y/N and Anthony were among them.

James watched silently from the sidelines as Charlie chatted on beside him. His gaze was drawn to her as she danced with the man her parents wished for her to marry. His eyes followed her every movement and as graceful as they were, there was a restrained air to them. As though she were holding herself back.

Y/N felt his eyes on her throughout the first dance and the next two. She felt his gaze searing into her back and wanted nothing more than to turn and look for him. As the third dance ended, she extracted herself from Anthony's arms and fanned herself. "I do believe that I am in need of a breath of fresh air," she told him and held up a hand when he made to speak. "We have danced three times, my Lord. I do believe it is within my rights to have a bit of a break before we embark on the next. And do not worry, the night is still young."

Anthony watched her through narrowed eyes as she wove her way through the crowd, smiling and waving at people as she passed them by. She accepted a glass of champagne from the tray of a passing waiter before Anthony grew bored and turned his attention elsewhere.

Breathing a sigh of relief as the cold air hit her heated skin, Y/N drained the remnants of her glass before setting it on the stone railing of the balcony. A shiver passed over her and she cursed herself for not asking Hannah to bring a shawl.

Movement from the left caught her eye and made her smile. There he was, having emerged from the warmth of the ballroom and looking as handsome as ever. "James," she breathed his name into the cool night air. It was all the encouragement he needed.

Taking her by the hand, he led her away from the lights of the ballroom before pulling her into an embrace. "Y/N."

Curling her arms around him, she buried her face in the crook of his neck. "My darling," she whispered, "oh I have missed you so."

"Oh my love," he whispered desperately, clutching her closer.

They simply stood as such, simply holding each other as the snow started to fall around them. It was only when Y/N shivered that James drew back and unbuttoned his jacket to drape over her shoulders. "You look utterly resplendent in those colours angel," he complimented her and smiled when a soft blush heated her cheeks.

Y/N smiled shyly up at him and hugged his jacket closer. "I wanted to match you," she admitted softly, biting her lip and look at him through her lashes.

"That you have my love," he murmured, his lips brushing her own. "That you most certainly have." Then he closed the distance between them and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her waist to draw her closer.

Moaning into the kiss, Y/N wound her arms around his neck and rose to her tiptoes, curving her body into his. When they finally parted for air, Y/N touched her forehead to his and sighed happily.

Holding her with one arm, James reached into his pocket with his free hand. "Y/N. My darling. There is something I would like to give you."

"But I have nothing to give you," she protested softly.

"I already have the greatest gift you could ever give me," James replied, blue eyes fond. "Your love surpasses all else."

Y/N felt tears begin to gather behind her eyes at his words. Her attention was soon drawn to a small box he held. "James?"

"I should have given this to you a long time ago," he whispered into the air between them as he opened the box, eliciting a soft gasp from her. "It was my mother's."

"It is beautiful," she breathed, reaching out to gently trace the shape of it and the cut of the diamond.

"Allow me to give you this ring," James said, taking the ring from its casing. "If it is still your choice to bind yourself to one such as I."

Letting the tears flow, Y/N nodded. "It is," she whispered, unable to speak any louder. She watched in breathless silence as James carefully pulled the glove from her left hand and slid the ring on her hand before lifting it to his lips and ardently kissing where it now sat.

The moment the glove slid back into place, Y/N crashed her lips to his, clinging to him as though to became one.

Breaking apart, they smiled at each other, breathless and panting.

"I will make the announcement soon," Y/N murmured, lacing their fingers together. "But first, I would very much like a dance, Captain."

"Why of course," James replied, bowing as best as he was able and winked, making her giggle. "Shall we return?"

Nodding, Y/N allowed him to lead back inside to the enveloping warmth of the ballroom where the musicians were readying themselves for the next dance. Their arrival awoke curious whispers as James led her to where a number of other couples were gathering.

When the music began, Y/N entrusted herself to his guidance and let him lead. Her gown unfurled around her as James spun her and their feet glided soundlessly over the polished marble.

Their audience was held captive. All but two.

Anthony was seething. He could clearly see Lady Katherine directly opposite from him. She was faring no better, her eyes were hard as ice as they followed the graceful movements of her granddaughter and the Captain.

They danced well together. Matched in every aspect, on clear display for all to see. The lights caught on the crystals on her gown, making it glimmer with every move she made.

Anthony watched in helpless fury as the dance continued. As she was lifted and spun, dipped and twirled. He could not wait any longer, at the conclusion of the piece, the announcement would be made.

Y/N felt her world shrink to only him. Her attention was solely on James, and his on her. She made her decision then, after this dance, she would make the announcement.

Soon the sound of applause and envious sighs drew them back to their surroundings and she beamed up at him. "Thank you for the dance Captain," she whispered and leaned in, "come with me. It is time."

Before he could so much as make the decision to move, she was gone, melting into the crowd, right along with the Captain.

Lady Katherine stalked over to him. "Where is she?" She hissed.

"I do not know." Anthony shot back.

"Find her before it is too late."

Nodding Anthony wove his way through the crowd and halted when the entire ballroom grew silent. Breathing heavily, he looked in the direction where the crowd's attention seemed to be.

There she stood. Looking as regal as any Queen in her blue evening gown and her chin lifted high while her eyes swept over the gathered guests. "Dear Lord and Ladies, I apologise for this untimely interruption," her voice rang loud and clear. "But there is an announcement that must be made."

Curious whispers rippled through the crowd and Anthony began to once more make his way towards her.

"You have no doubt heard the rumours regarding my impending engagement."

He began to move with a vengeance. He was almost there.

"These rumours are true," Y/N continued. "Indeed. I am to be married."

The twin staircases were right there.

Looking to the side, she smiled and held out a white gloved hand. "I am overjoyed to announce my engagement to a most honourable man. One who has served his country with bravery and courage."

That's it, with the last person jostled to the side, Anthony began to take the stairs two at a time.

"I give you Captain James Nicholls," her announcement was met with cheers and applause. Her smile grew as he emerged from the side and took her hand, kissing the back of it.

Anthony froze and glared venomously up at them both. Y/N merely smiled down at him before leading James down the adjacent staircase and into the celebrating crowd who readily gave their congratulations.

He followed them with his eyes and soon saw them head for the entrance to the ballroom that lead to the expansive grounds beyond. And so he followed.

Y/N let her laughter ring loud and clear as James spun her. The sky had cleared, leaving the stars twinkling brightly. Bracing her hands on his shoulders as he lowered her, she rose to her tiptoes and kissed him, smiling as she did so.

"We did it my love," she whispered into the air between them once they had parted. "Now everyone knows."

James nodded. He could hardly believe it. "Indeed my darling. Indeed." As his lips captured hers, he spun her once more, her midnight skirts flaring out.

Y/N clung tightly to him, even as he set her down and as they caught their breath. "We will be married," she said softly, cupping his face with both hands.

"Husband and wife," James agreed, smiling tenderly down at her.

"I would like to say that this is sweet but that would be a lie." The words were followed by the unmistakable sounds of a pistol being cocked.

James instantly drew Y/N behind him as Anthony stepped into the light.

"I warned you of what would happen should you follow through with your plan," Anthony continued, aiming his pistol right at James.

Y/N stepped out from behind him and positioned herself to stand between James and Anthony. "And I also told you of what would happen, did I not?"

"Your threats mean little to me," Anthony spat and refocused his aim. "If I cannot have you, then he certainly can't either."

Before either she or James could say a word more, the pistol was fired.

James caught her as she fell, dark red blooming across the blue of her gown. Immediately, he went about staunching the bleeding. Y/N coughed weakly, her eyes focused on James. "Darling?" She rasped, "James?"

"No," James vehemently shook his head. "No. You will be okay. You have to be."

"It hurts," Y/N whimpered, tears falling steadily down her cheeks.

"I'm going to get you help," James told her, one hand covering her wound as he bent to kiss their foreheads together. "It can be fixed," his voice trembled as he spoke, eyes welling with tears.

"I love you," she whispered, her breathing laboured. "I love you so much. Do not ever forget that."

"No, don't you talk like that," James implored her. "You will be okay. You're strong."

"James-"

"HELP, SOMEBODY!" James cried out, cradling Y/N closer to him.

"James-," she tried again, reaching up with a trembling hand. "James look at me, please."

With great effort he did so, immediately burying his face her shoulder, his own shaking as the tears finally came. Gentle, yet trembling fingers combed through his hair.

"I don't want to go," she whispered, drawing a whimper from him. The sound broke her heart.

Drawing back, James saw her smiling bravely up at him. "No," he begged, "you have to stay." Nodding slowly, she felt her eyelids grow heavy. "No. No, stay awake," he beseeched her as her eyes dropped closed, "please." Leaning down, he kissed her, his tears dropping onto her face. "_Please, _look at me," he held her head gently, "please, I'm right here-" his voice broke on the last word as he clutched her closer to him, burying his face in her hair.

So caught up was he that he did not notice the approach of Hannah and Charlie who stopped short at the sight before them.

"We have to get her inside," the maid whispered, "if there is any hope for her, we must act quickly."


	50. A new dawn over fresh snow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because she is a broken pretty thing, and he is the little boy who grew up mending treating, loving broken things. 
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill (Beautiful Broken Things)

Irene was beyond confused. The ringing echo of a gunshot had rattled through her. Y/N's absence wasn't helping either. Her announcement had shocked both her and Richard. She had disappeared soon after with her newly announced fiance and then only a short while later a gunshot was heard.

"Mother?" Thomas appeared at her side, his brothers and Annabelle in tow. "Please tell me you heard that too."

Irene nodded and reached for Annabelle who came readily to her arms and clung to her. "I did," she whispered before gathering the boys close. "I cannot see Y/N anywhere, I need you to go and find her, make sure she's okay."

Andrew furrowed his brow in confusion. "But why wouldn't she be?"

"I am sure she is," Irene replied, "but it makes me uneasy that she isn't here."

"We'll find her, mother," Robert assured her, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Irene, darling there you are," Richard said with no small amount of relief. "Where are the boys off to in such a hurry?"

"I sent them off to find Y/N," Irene replied, smoothing Annabelle's hair as she leaned her head on her mother's shoulder.

"Good idea," Richard murmured, wrapping an arm around his wife and kissing her forehead. "I only hope she's alright."

"Me too," she replied. "My instincts are telling me otherwise I'm afraid."

"I believe I saw your parents and sister here somewhere, perhaps they have seen her."

Murmuring her agreement, Irene followed her husband back into the whispering crowd.

Their sister was nowhere to be found and all three of them were beginning to worry. Upon leaving their mother, Robert had suggested they look outside first. Y/N had an affinity for slipping out of events such as these.

From the light that shone from the manor, the brothers searched the grounds closest to the house. If Y/N had indeed gone outside, she wouldn't have gone far. It wasn't long before they discovered a trail of footprints in the snow.

"Thomas. Robert look!" Andrew called to his brothers and gestured to what he had found. Eagerly, they began to follow them, hoping to possibly find their sister at the end of the trail.

The trail did end, but there was no one there. Nothing out of the ordinary save for some disturbed snow and a dark spot of what the brothers could only assume to be blood. Paling, they looked to each other. Someone had been injured when that gunshot sounded.

"I suggest we keep looking," Thomas suggested quietly. "She is most likely with Sapphire, you know how she gets."

Sparing one last glance at the dark blood in the snow, the brothers headed quickly in the direction of the stables.

The trio skidded to a halt as they heard their paternal grandmother's voice float out to them from one of the slightly open windows. Nodding in silent agreement, the brothers neared the window as closely as they dared.

"Look me in the eye and tell me you had nothing to do with this."

"Unfortunately that would be a lie," came Lord Anthony's reply.

"Have you thought of the consequences of this?" Lady Katherine demanded. "Your rash actions could well have ruined everything."

With wide eyes, the brothers pressed closer.

"You heard her as well as I," Anthony replied with an edge to his voice.

"That may be the case," their grandmother said, "but how has this fixed anything? What do you think Irene and Richard will do when they find out, as they are bound too very soon?"

Their interest piqued to a whole new level, the brothers looked to each other. They were speaking of Y/N, that much was certain. Something had evidently happened to her, something grievous.

"Were there any witnesses?" Lady Katherine asked after a short pause.

"Only the Captain," Anthony replied.

All three felt sick with horror at what their imaginations were saying to them. Edging away from the window, they only spoke again once they were well away.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Robert whispered to his brothers.

"That depends," Andrew replied, running a trembling hand through his hair. "It is evident that Grandmama doesn't want mother or father to find out about something. And it clearly involves Y/N and the man she's engaged too."

Thomas hummed in agreement and nodded. "I suggest we go back inside and ask the servants," he said, "if something has indeed happened to her as we fear it has, then they will have undoubtedly heard of it."

With murmured agreements from his brothers, they set off back to the house.

Shielding her as best they could, Hannah and Charlie helped James carry an unconscious Y/N back into the house. Hannah had led them to the manor's back entrance and only once the coast was clear did she motion for them to come in.

James held her as tightly as he dared. The blood from the wound had steadily stained the entire bodice of her gown and had seeped into his uniform. He could not care less for it. It was the last thing on his mind as he carried her through the corridors of her home. Her head rested against his shoulder, her arms had been curled into her lap.

"Quickly," Hannah whispered as they climbed the last flight of stairs in the servant's corridor, "her chamber isn't far."

Needing no further encouragement, James followed her, Charlie following close behind.

The minute they entered the room, Hannah flew to the bed and turned down the covers.

"I am not needed here," Charlie spoke up from the doorway. "I shall go to the village and fetch the doctor."

"I shall go with you," Hannah replied, watching as James gently lay Y/N down on the bed and keeping a hold of her hand before sitting beside her."You will stay with her, won't you Captain?"

James simply nodded, unable to form the words. The minute the doors of her chamber closed, he bent forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. "Come back to me my love," he whispered against them, his warm breath flowing across her still features. "Come back-" his voice breaking on the last word, he buried his face in her shoulder.

He could feel her struggle to breathe. They were small, shallow breaths, But they were music to his ears for they told him she still lived. Her pulse had weakened in the short time since it had all happened.

James did not know how long he stayed there, curled next to her. With each passing second, he prayed for her survival. Somewhere in that time, he had peeled off the glove that concealed the ring he had given her that evening. It was this hand he held close to his heart, fingers entwined with his own.

It was only when the doors opened again to reveal Hannah, Charlie and a middle-aged gentleman, that James looked up from her.

"Captain," Hannah spoke softly, "this is Doctor Harrow. I have explained as much as I could to him. He will need to examine her before any action can be taken."

James swallowed hard before speaking. "She is dying, Doctor," he whispered, looking down to where she lay.

The kindly man shook his head and lay a gentle hand on his shoulder. "Not if I can help it, young man. I know Lady Y/N, have done for quite some. She's a strong lass."

James reluctantly stood to the side as Dr.Harrow approached her and with deft, experienced movements, cut away a portion of her ruined gown to reveal the wound beneath. "If I am right," he said to the trio behind him without turning around, "then I would say we need to act quickly, she has lost a lot of blood. But fortunately for her, it did not pierce her heart."

"Why do I sense that you have more to say?" James asked softly.

Dr.Harrow sighed and turned to face them. "Indeed I do. There is no exit wound. Therefore the bullet is still within her. I will have to operate and it will have to be now. Hannah," he turned to the maid, "I will need plenty of clean towels and bowls of hot water. Big ones."

Nodding in understanding, Hannah dashed from the room.

"Gentlemen," Dr.Harrow turned to James and Charlie. "As you have both witnessed the horrors of war, you are no strangers to such injuries. Should you however wish to leave, please do so."

James immediately shook his head. "I will stay," he said firmly. "I will stay beside her until it is done."

The Doctor nodded. "Very well. But I must warn you, Captain. This will not be pleasant and you must prepare yourself should the worst happen."

James said nothing in reply. Moving to the other side of the bed, he sidled up to her and took hold of her left, ungloved hand. "I am here my love," he whispered, his lips brushing her ear. "I am here with you."

Charlie, having silently agreed to stay, moved to sit by the one of the chairs at the fireplace.

Moments later, Hannah returned with a retinue of three additional maids. Each was carrying what the Doctor had requested and upon dismissal from Hannah, silently filed from the room.

Dr.Harrow immediately got to work. Tasking Hannah with cleaning the wound and the surrounding skin, he unrolled his instruments and dropped the required ones into the steaming water. Tying a white apron around his upper body and waist, the Doctor returned to his patient and gently lifted her so as to place a wadding of towels beneath her.

The wound was just below her ribs and sluggishly oozed blood onto the the towels beneath.

"Hannah, pass me the smallest blade," Dr.Harrow instructed and reached behind him so that Hannah might pass him the instrument. "It is also the sharpest one, so be careful."

Upon receiving the blade, he made a small incision on either side of the wound. "Now the forceps-"

The doors burst open as Hannah was passing the instrument over.

Irene rushed to the foot of her daughter's bed while Richard remained by the doorway, his face ashen.

"How did this happen?" Irene demanded, seeking an answer from anyone in the room. "How could this possibly have happened?" Her bottom lip quivered as her eyes welled with tears.

It was James who answered her, his voice soft yet firm. "Lord Huntington followed your daughter and I out into the gardens after the announcement. He threatened her but she stood firm," he spared a glance down, a tender look in his blue eyes.

"Anthony did this?" Irene asked in a choked whisper. "Are you telling me that it was _he _that shot my daughter?"

James nodded.

Irene raised a trembling hand to her mouth, her eyes wide. Richard swept into the room and pulled her to him as the tears came. He held her as she wept, murmuring soft reassurances and petting her hair.

"Come my darling," he whispered to her, "let us leave Dr.Harrow to his work. There is nothing more we can do for her now but pray for her survival."

Irene appeared to cling to her husband as he led her from the room.

"The forceps if you please, Hannah."

Shaking herself, Hannah passed over the instrument and watched with morbid fascination as he inserted them into her mistress.

James soon found himself clutching tighter at her hand, his heart in his throat.

After a painful few moments of searching, Dr.Harrow finally began to withdraw the forceps.

"Have you got it?" James asked in a voice that was barely above a whisper, desperation leaking into his voice. "Did you find the bullet?"

Fully drawing the bloody forceps out of her side, Dr.Harrow held them up for James and Hannah to see. There, gripped firmly by the bloodied metal, was the telltale shape of a bullet.

"Will she make it?" Hannah asked once the bullet had been deposited in a smaller bowl.

"It all depends on her now," Dr.Harrow murmured as he retrieved a needle and thread. "If she makes it to dawn without incident, then yes. She will survive."

Allowing himself a small relieved smile, James touched his forehead to hers and let out a trembling sigh. "Do you hear that my love?" He whispered to her. "Please, fight my darling. I am begging you."

Having stitched up the wound and wrapped it securely with a bandage, Dr.Harrow divested himself of his apron and went about cleaning his instruments.

"I will change her out of the gown," Hannah said softly to James, who merely nodded. "You may return to her after," she lay a gentle hand on his arm. "I promise. It shan't take long."

Reluctantly leaving her side, James followed Charlie and the Doctor from the room and waited beside her closed doors while Charlie walked the Doctor back out.

"Are you the one Y/N is going to marry?" Said a voice next to him.

Looking down, James saw a young girl standing next to him, regarding him with wide eyes. Nodding, he crouched down to her level. "Indeed I am."

"I'm glad," she stated simply, eliciting a chuckle from James. "I've seen Y/N smile with you. She never did that with Lord Anthony."

"You are Annabelle, are you not?" He asked gently, getting a nod from her.

"Yes I am," the young girl replied. "And your name is James, isn't it? I heard Y/N say it sometimes to herself when she thought she was alone, she always sounded sad though."

He nodded. "Yes, that is my name. I hope to make your sister smile more, I do not like to see her upset."

Annabelle shook her head. "I don't either." Then after a brief pause, she grinned. "I think she loves you."

"I hope so," James replied, laughing.

"Do you love her?"

"Yes," he said, voice dropping as it became heavy with emotion. "Yes I do. Very much."

"Will she die?" Annabelle asked suddenly, sounding as though she was about to start crying. "Mama and Papa said she was hurt."

James quickly shook his head. "No little one. She is not," he smiled as much for her comfort as for his own. "Your sister is very strong."

"That she is," said another voice from behind Annabelle.

Rising to his feet, James came face-to-face with none other than Y/N's brother Robert, who was closely flanked by Thomas and Andrew.

"Captain Nicholls I believe?" Robert said, holding out a hand.

"Yes, sir," James replied, shaking the young Lord's hand.

"We heard what you said to Annabelle," Andrew spoke up, "and what she said to you."

"And we believe that Y/N could not have chosen a finer man," Thomas finished his brother's statement.

James made to reply when Hannah appeared. "Captain, you may return if you wish."

"Can I see her?" Annabelle asked, looking beseechingly up at him.

"Of course you may," James replied, opening the door a little wider and nodded to her brothers who filed in after their younger sister.

"Is she sleeping?" Annabelle asked once James had closed the door behind him.

"Yes," he replied in a soft voice. "She is healing now."

Robert looked down at his sister and carefully took her hand. "Come back to us sister." Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, he gently lay it atop her other one. Quietly motioning for his siblings to follow him, Robert left the room, nodding once to James before closing the door behind him.

"I have no doubt everyone knows," James remarked to her, pulling up a chair to her bedside and promptly sitting down. Taking her hand, he laced their fingers together before tenderly kissing each of her knuckles.

"I will wait for you," he vowed, their joined hands pressed to his heart. "However long it takes for you to wake, know that I am here, waiting for you."

James did not know how much later it was, all he knew was that he was suddenly woken from where he had dozed off in the chair. He was woken by the sounds of someone choking and gasping for air.

His eyes flew open and he looked to her.

Y/N's eyes were wide as she coughed, the sounds harsh and hacking.

"Darling?" James flew to her side and cupped her face. "Darling what is it?"

"I can't breathe," she gasped out before she coughed again, this time dark red blood trickled from her lips. "James-"

His eyes widened in horror. "No, no. This can't be happening. I can't lose you," his grip tightened minutely on her face. "Not now. Not ever. Please, tell me where it hurts."

With trembling hands, she pointed to her side.

Understanding her message, James quickly but gently moved the blankets aside and swore under his breath. Fresh blood had soaked through the bandages. Without an ounce of hesitation, he reached for the cord that hung beside her bed and pulled, again and again.

"James," she whimpered, "James."

"I am right here my love," he assured her, his own voice shaking as he took her in his arms, holding her close. "You are going to be alright. Help is coming."

She gave no response but a rather painful sounding cough that only brought up more blood.

Despite the blood, James held her close, her head resting over heart, her blood staining his shirt.

At long last, a frazzled Hannah burst into the room and gasped at the sight before her. "What happened?" She asked.

"I do not know," James replied, a trembling hand smoothing back her hair. "I woke to sounds of her coughing and gasping for air."

"There was a snowstorm earlier," Hannah murmured, "it prevented Dr.Harrow from leaving. Lady Irene invited him to stay."

"Will you get him please?" James asked, "Hannah, _please."_

Nodding quickly, Hannah turned from the room and dashed down the hallway.

"Shhh," James murmured to a trembling Y/N. "Hannah has gone to fetch the Doctor. You will be alright," his words were followed by a soft kiss to her forehead, a single tear tracing its way down his cheek.

It was discovered, upon the Doctor's arrival, that blood had entered her lungs and once drained, the opening would have to be cauterized.

"You must hold her still Captain," Dr.Harrow said to James. "Even if she is unconscious now, the pain from the hot metal will wake her."

Nodding in understanding, James held her to him, her side exposed for the Doctor to mend.

She did wake. The moment the hot metal touched her flesh, her eyes shot open. Immediately curling into James, she whimpered, her hands clawing and clutching for purchase.

"I have you," James whispered reassuringly to her. "I have you my love." He continued to hold her as the Doctor restitched her wound and bound it with fresh bandages.

"It was just as well I had decided to take Lady Irene up on her offer," Dr.Harrow commented as he stood by the threshold, "or young Y/N may not have lived to see the dawn."

Once the Doctor had left and once Hannah had once more dressed her mistress in a clean nightgown, James took her in his arms and cradled her as close as he dared. "That was much too close," he murmured, rocking her gently.

"Can we sit by the window?" Y/N asked sleepily. "It looks really pretty when the sun rises."

Smiling indulgently, James nodded and carried her with him to the window seat. Leaning against the wall, with Y/N tucked against him, James soon fell asleep.

He did not know what woke him. But when he opened his eyes, he saw the morning sun sparkle on the fresh snow that had fallen through the night. Looking down, his heart leapt for joy. Y/N was snuggled against him, despite her injury. Her chest rose and fell steadily as her eyes remained closed.

"Oh yes," James whispered, tracing her cheek with the back of his hand. "It is very beautiful indeed."


	51. As the web unravels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perhaps in a different time I would have named us hope.  
Perhaps in a different universe we would not meet so battleworn.  
And I would call us forgiveness, and not remember us as war. 
> 
> ~ Nikita Gill (I Named Us Grief)

It was out of consideration that she had waited. She did not wish to cause a scene before her guests.

Never had Irene regretted her decision more than she did now. Lord Anthony had been nowhere to be found. How could she have been so blind? She did not think Anthony had it in him. Was it possible that the Captain was mistaken?

Irene's harried thoughts came to a screeching halt as her sister Amelia flew down the stairs and came to a stop before her. "Is it true?" She whispered, looking around as though to make sure no one was listening in.

Irene sighed heavily and nodded. "I'm afraid it is," she replied, her eyes betraying her inner turmoil as she met her sister's searching gaze.

Not thinking twice, Amelia stepped forward and wrapped her older sister in her arms. "I am so very sorry," she whispered, tears of her own welling up.

With a gasp, Irene clutched at her sister and buried her face in her loose hair. Amelia simply held her, murmuring soothing words and tracing calming patterns on her back through her gown. It did not take long for Amelia to feel her shoulder dampen under her sister's tears.

The sisters stood there for a good while as one comforted the other.

"Who is responsible?" Amelia asked softly once Irene's tears had subsided. "Is it known?"

Irene nodded and pulled back, wiping her tears away with Amelia's offered handkerchief.

"Well?" Amelia pressed.

Irene's voice, when she spoke sounded the most broken and vulnerable Amelia had ever heard it. The betrayal was strong and weakened her usually stalwart sister. "Lord Anthony Huntington. The man Richard and I believed she would marry."

Amelia reeled back, her eyes wide. Her voice dropped to a shocked whisper. "You would have had her marry _him? _Irene, I thought you knew better."

Never had the Countess looked so worn as she did now. "Richard and I believed that she had willingly chosen him. It appears we were wrong."

Amelia did not speak right away. Memories flashed before her eyes, memories she would rather forget. Forcing herself to remain calm, she spoke. "Irene, my dear sister, surely you remember when he tried time and again to court me? Remember the letters I wrote?"

Irene nodded, the guilt flooding her eyes and shame blooming in her cheeks.

"Then, in heaven's name, why?" Amelia demanded gently. "Why did you turn a blind eye?"

"Because I trusted Y/N's judgement," came the whispered reply.

"She didn't choose him though did she?" Amelia asked, folding her arms.

Irene shook her head and met her sister's piercing eyes. "No," she replied, voice barely above a whisper. "She did not." Fresh tears flooded her eyes as her hand flew to her mouth to stifle a gasp. "She tried to tell me so many times," she whimpered, eyes widening. "But something in me refused to listen and now her life is at risk-" her words were cut off by a sob as the tears flooded down her cheeks.

Despite her disappointment in her sister, Amelia could not stand to see her in such despair. Reaching out, she once more enveloped her in her arms and gathered her close. "Who is it?" She asked, smoothing her sister's hair. "Who was it really?"

Irene's words came out muffled and trembling. "Captain James Nicholls."

Amelia could not stop the smile from curving her lips. A real smile, a happy smile. "I knew it," she whispered. "I knew it."

Irene drew back to look at her. "You did?" She asked, confused. "How?"

"Come now sister," Amelia laughed, wiping the tears away. "You saw them in London did you not?"

"Already then?" Irene asked, her voice soft with disbelief.

Amelia nodded. "It was blindly obvious, even if they did not know it themselves."

Irene smiled faintly at the memory and felt guilt well up like bile in her throat. "I have been so blind," she whispered, shaking her head.

"Am I right in assuming that he is still here?" Amelia asked.

Irene nodded. "As far as I am aware. He was with her last night when the Doctor came."

"Then he ought to still be there with her now," Amelia said, eyes twinkling as she took her sister's hand.

"Where are we going?" Irene hissed as Amelia pulled her up the stairs and towards Y/N's chamber.

"This is your home," Amelia replied cheekily. "You should know."

Rolling her eyes, Irene followed her sister and made a conscious effort to quieten her steps as Amelia gently twisted the handle, thus slowly opening the door. The sight of the empty bed alarmed the sisters. Irene opened her mouth to say something when Amelia animatedly gestured for her to remain silent and pointed towards where the window seat was.

Y/N, it seemed, was still fast asleep, curled contentedly in the arms of her beloved Captain. Her head was resting on his shoulder, her back to the door. The h/c strands of her hair glowed softly in the morning light that streamed in through the window.

Amelia watched with a small smile as James tenderly smoothed her hair and kissed her crown before resting his cheek atop her head. His arms were curled protectively around her, holding her close to him without being restricting.

Looking to her sister, Amelia saw her expression mirrored, only her eyes shone with tears, this time happy ones.

Quietly pulling her sister from the room and carefully closing the door behind her, Amelia broke into a full fledged grin. "Well," she said, sighing happily. "I do believe that she is in good hands."

Irene nodded and blinked the tears away. "He loves her," she whispered, looking fondly at the closed door. "He really loves her."

Amelia nodded, "he sure does. Now, don't you think it is time you had a word with a certain someone?"

Irene sighed and ran a hand over her tired eyes. "It most certainly is." Dropping her hand, she looked to her sister. "The only trouble is, no one has seen him or heard of him since last night."

Amelia's eyes widened. "Please tell me that you don't mean that."

Irene shook her head. "Unfortunately I do."

"Well," Amelia said, setting her jaw. "I do believe that there is one other person you could talk to. One who no doubt pushed him Y/N's way."

Irene groaned at her sister's words. "I was really hoping to avoid her today."

Amelia bit back a snort at her sister's antics. Sobering up, she said, "she is our best chance. She was no doubt in league with him and will know where he's run off too."

Irene shot her sister a look. "Or she will deny everything and claim innocence."

"No doubt," Amelia replied, folding her arms. "But you won't know that until you ask."

"Richard will not like it," Irene muttered, "for years he's tried to mend the fences."

"I am very sure that he will support you when he finds out the true reason," Amelia assured her. "It is Y/N we are talking about here. Not one of the maids or one of the village girls."

Irene hummed in agreement before taking a deep breath and nodded assertively. "Then let us not waste any time."

"My thoughts exactly," Amelia replied, quickly following her elder sister through to the family library where the Dowager undoubtedly was.

Richard looked up at his wife's and sister-in-law's entrance, his conversation with his mother soon forgotten at the look in Irene's eyes. "Irene?" He said her name cautiously, "Amelia? What is it?"

Amelia remained silent.

Irene did not. Her voice was unnervingly calm and was at odds with the accusing look in her eyes. "Where is he?" She asked, looking directly at her mother-in-law.

"Who?" Lady Katherine asked, seemingly unfazed.

"You know very well who," Irene replied, her calm voice unwavering. "The man who shot my daughter." She paused and looked to her husband briefly before looking back to Lady Katherine. "The very same man you thrust at her and would have us believe that she chose."

No response came from the Dowager. The silence condemned her as surely as her denial would have.

"So I ask you again," Irene continued, "where is he?"

"How should I know?" Lady Katherine demanded, glaring up at her daughter-in-law. "For all I know, he most likely ran off the first chance he got."

Irene snorted, drawing a look of surprise from Richard. "But that is not all you know is it? You know where he is, I know you do."

"I hate to disappoint you my dear-"

Amelia finally broke her silence, effectively cutting off the Dowager with a mirthless smile. "Oh I'm sure you do," she hissed, incensed on her sister's behalf.

Evidently biting back a retort, Lady Katherine turned back to Irene. "But I do not know at all where he is."

Irene narrowed her eyes at the older woman. "How am I to believe any of the poison you call words?"

"Believe what you will," Lady Katherine replied, shrugging.

In the short silence that followed, Richard approached his wife and lay a gentle hand on her arm. "How is she?" He whispered, "Y/N. How is she?"

His words calmed Irene for a spell. "She is well," she replied softly, smiling in brief memory. "She is with him, with the Captain, her real fiance," she raised her voice so that the words might reach the Dowager.

"He was in her chamber?" Richard asked, shocked. "Alone with her?"

"Richard please," Irene reproached him, "she is recovering from a rather serious injury and he was simply holding her as she slept. Nothing untoward had happened, I am certain of it."

"I still don't like it," he muttered, earning an eye roll from the sisters.

"Am I to suffer any more of your interrogation or am I free to go?" Lady Katherine asked, having the audacity to sound bored.

"No," Irene replied, "you will stay with us until Anthony is found. As unwelcome as your presence is, it is necessary for you to stay here." With those words and with Amelia hot on her heels, she swept from the room in a swirl of dove-grey wool.

"Will you allow your wife to speak to me like that?" Lady Katherine demanded, looking to her son.

"Mother please," Richard replied, "you know very well that your behaviour towards Y/N has not been gracious of late. Yes, you are my mother. But she is my daughter and her life is threatened by someone that you know well, I do believe that Irene has every right to speak to you like that. She is a mother after all. You should know, you are one too."

Lady Katherine sat in shocked silence as Richard left the room. How could everything have fallen apart so quickly?

~ ~ ~

Anthony had not run so fast as he did then. He was well out of breath by the time he arrived and knocked at the door, fighting to regain some measure of his composure. After his conversation with the Dowager the night before, he knew he had to make himself scarce. The sight of Y/N and her blood staining her gown haunted his every step, her shallow and laboured breathing echoed mercilessly in his ears.

Shaking his head, he knocked again, despite knowing the door to be unlocked. When none came to admit him after the third attempt, he growled with impatience and opened the door himself.

"Agatha?" He called, "Agatha, you here?"

When no answer came, he frowned and began to search, yet he found no sign of her. Surely she knew to wait for him? Perhaps she had merely stepped out for some air and would return soon.

Yes, Anthony decided that that was what had happened.

Making his way to the kitchen, he decided that he would wait there for her return. Together they would leave this place, reigniting the old cycle of running from place to place, seeking to build a life for themselves through the fortunes of others.

He stopped short at the kitchen threshold. There, on the kitchen table lay the unmistakable shape of a note. Narrowing his eyes, Anthony approached the table and prayed that the note would not say what he feared it would.

Upon seeing it addressed to him in Agatha's familiar hand, he felt all the blood leave his face and he was forced to sit lest he collapse right there on the tiled floor.

_" Anthony, my love,_

_I shall be brief in what I feel I must say. I know that I risked a little too much in going to the ball last night, but I did. I was worried for you, so I went. Now I wish I had not. I saw everything. I heard everything. And while I hold no love or fondness for Lady Y/N, nor for the Captain she claims to love, I prayed my eyes were deceiving me when I saw you raise the pistol to them. The gunshot condemned you, and me alongside. I cannot condone such actions, no matter how much I might care for you. Yes, sometimes a little violence is needed. But never to that extent. I would very much like to believe and hope that you had your reasons for acting as rashly as you did. You shattered our future with that gunshot, our shared dreams are now lying in tatters with no one to repair them. _

_You have branded and condemned us both. I must take the chance that is now offered to me and seek my freedom. This is the last you will hear from me. _

_Agatha "_

The note trembled as he held it. Surely not?! She cannot have abandoned him. He must have read it wrong. His eyes scanned the page for any possible mistake, any possible loophole to tell him he was wrong. No such thing appeared.

"You coward," he hissed, the words echoing in the empty kitchen. "You ungrateful whore. You would leave me now?!" As he spoke the page crumbled together in his fist. Slamming his hand down, he snarled and flipped the table onto its side, the sound almost deafening.

Livid and vibrating with fury, he stalked from the kitchen. Making for the main entrance, he reached for the pistol that still hung from his belt and checked it to make sure he had one more shot.

"I am man of my word," he murmured, reaching for the door handle and wrenching the door open. "Your precious Captain is living on borrowed time."


	52. She whispered three words...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go, we will go together, over the waters of time. No one else will travel through the shadows with me, only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon. 
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda (sonnet Ixxxi)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for any typos, it was written at near 3 in the morning and I was crying......a lot 💕😔

The sight she woke to was one she had imagined countless times, only she wished it were under better circumstances. As her eyes slowly opened, the first thing she saw was him. The smile he only ever reserved for her curved his lips, it was a soft expression and filled with such love that she felt as though her heart would burst.

"Good afternoon darling," he said softly, fully aware of her having only just woken.

"Afternoon?" She asked, confused.

He laughed softly at her question, the sound tugging at her heartstrings, prompting her to smile. "You slept through the morning my love," he replied.

Realisation dawned as her attention drifted to her window where, despite the cloud strewn sky, the sun shone as strongly as it was able during the winter months. "I have never slept that long before," she murmured.

"It is perfectly understandable," James said, his lips ghosting over her forehead and pressing gentle kisses to her hairline. "Your body is recovering."

"Not the way I was planning on spending Christmas," Y/N sighed, smiling grimly.

"No my darling," James replied, slightly shifting his hold on her. "I cannot imagine it would have been."

"Despite everything," she said, turning her head up to meet his eyes. "I still managed, by some twist of fate, to get my heart's dearest wish to come true." Reaching up, she gently palmed his cheek and smiled when he nuzzled in. "You. With you here, I have all that I need."

"I am the lucky one," he whispered against the sleep-warmed skin of her wrist. "To have had the great fortune to meet you, to love you."

Y/N struggled to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat, the sting of impending tears only growing. "Merry Christmas my love," she said, her voice trembling with emotion.

"Indeed," James murmured in reply. "Merry Christmas angel."

Lifting her head a fraction, she met his lips halfway. Then, what began as a soft morning kiss soon transformed into one of desperation as they clung to each other.

"I almost lost you," James whispered once they parted, resting his forehead against hers. "I almost-"

"Shhh," she soothed, reaching up to swipe away a stray tear. "I will not be going anywhere," she assured him, smiling softly. "I will remain with you until I draw my last breath and even then, if I have passed on before you, my spirit will be with you. I promise."

"I pray that does not happen," James replied, "I pray I will not have to endure a reality where you are not beside me. Last night showed me what agony that would be. Your last breath will be mine too."

The tears spilled down her cheeks at his words. "Together forever," she whispered, taking his hand and firmly lacing their fingers together. "You are mine, James. As I am yours."

Neither knew how long they remained like that, only that they did not wish to part.

"James?"

"Yes my darling?"

Squirming until she lay in a better position, she continued. "Would you please ring for Hannah? There is a book of mine in the library that I would very much like to share with you. I haven't quite finished it, but nevertheless, I believe you'll soon take a liking to it."

"Oh my dear," he replied, chuckling. "If you tell me the name and the exact location of the book, I am sure I can fetch it for you."

"You don't have to do that," she said, unable to stop the gentle blush that rose to colour her cheeks. "Besides, Hannah knows exactly where it is."

"I will too once you tell me."

Laughing, Y/N playfully swatted his chest. "You are incorrigible."

"I will continue to be so if it makes you laugh as you just did," James said, smirking. "For it is a sound I would be content to listen too for the rest of my life."

"You charmer," Y/N muttered and despite herself, she grinned.

"For when I bring it back," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I shall carry you to bed and hold you in my arms while I read it to you."

"You make a compelling argument," she replied in much the same tone and finally relinquished the title and location of the book.

Before he left however, he made sure to settle her by the fire, brushing a light kiss along her hairline. "I will return soon," he promised.

"I shall eagerly await your arrival," Y/N replied, smiling up at him, a tender look entering her eyes as she watched him cross the room and gently close the door behind him. She then turned her attention to the flames before her.

James had made sure to wrap a multitude of blankets around her, having been ever so careful with her injured side. It touched her deeply and had a sigh of contentment blow past her lips. He had settled her in a winged-back chair, thus providing her with a headrest, should she decide to lean slightly to either side.

A gentle knock on the door roused her from the light sleep she had fallen into. "James?"

"Not the last time I checked," came Hannah's cheeky reply.

"Hannah," Y/N gasped happily. "Do come in."

Slipping into the warmed room, the maid crossed over to her and knelt before her. "You gave us quite a scare last night milady. Your Captain more so than the rest of us. He refused to leave your side."

"Truly?" Y/N whispered, feeling her eyes well up.

"Truly," Hannah replied, reaching out to take one of her mistress's hands and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Even when the doctor took the bullet out, he was there. Whispering words of encouragement and strength."

Y/N's eyes shone with tears as the firelight caught them. "Do my parents know? What about the boys? And Annabelle?"

Chuckling, Hannah nodded in time to each of her questions. "There is no need to worry milady. They have all been made aware. Even your aunt and maternal grandparents."

This relieved her.

"Speaking of which," Hannah murmured. "Where is he? That Captain of yours?"

Y/N laughed and wiped her eyes. "He went down to the library to fetch a book I had left there and very much wanted to show him."

"Why did he go?" Hannah exclaimed, "I could easily have done it."

"I know my dear," Y/N patted her hand and giggled. "I even told him so, but he was most insistent."

"I am guessing it did not take much to convince you?" Hannah asked, her eyes twinkling and one eyebrow raised.

"He offered to read to me," Y/N explained, smiling faintly.

"And there it is," Hannah said, grinning. "The both of you are incurable romantics, did you know that?"

"You say that as if it were a bad thing," Y/N gasped in mock offense, only making Hannah's grin widen.

"How long since he left?" The maid asked, sobering up.

Y/N thought for a moment. "I am not too sure. I fell asleep a short while after he left."

"Well, in that case," Hannah announced, rising from her kneeling position. "I shall go and see what is keeping him."

"He most likely got distracted, our library is rather extensive."

Hannah huffed. "He can get distracted later, you are more important."

Y/N giggled and ducked her head. "Off you go then," she said, looking up. "And mind you be nice to him," she added, smiling widely.

With a promise assuring her and James's swift return, Hannah departed, leaving Y/N alone with her thoughts once more. It did not take long for them to turn down a rather unpleasant road. The very thought of Anthony made her skin crawl and made her glad of his absence.

Shaking her head, she turned again to look at the dancing flames and settled her head against one of the chair's padded wings. In her lap, she began to absently toy with the ring James had given her. His mother's, if she recalled correctly. With that thought, she lifted the hand that bore it and let the fire dance through the faceted stone and along the polished metal of the band.

She longed to ask James more of his family but was unsure as to how. It was a delicate matter and one that ought to be approached with care. Sighing, she dropped her hand and curled it with the other in the warm nest of her lap.

Looking up at the clock ticking away on the mantle, Y/N saw that it was three hours past midday. "Still early," she murmured to herself. Indeed, a good portion of the day was still left. A happy hum vibrated through her as she let the clock's ticking soothe her in harmony with the fire's gentle crackling.

This peace was short lived however.

No soft knocking preceded her entrance this time. Bursting through the door, Hannah immediately went to her mistress.

Alarmed by her maid's sudden appearance, Y/N spoke. "Hannah, my goodness! You startled me."

"I apologise but-"

"Shhhh," Y/N soothed, reaching out a hand to her obviously distraught maid. "What is it Hannah? What has you so upset? And where is James? I thought you went to retrieve him."

"I did milady," Hannah said, only slightly calmer. "But-,but he-"

Y/N fought to keep calm as fear threatened to overcome her. "What about him Hannah? Was he not there?"

At this, Hannah shook her head. "I believe he was, but before I came."

"Hannah please," Y/N begged her, "tell me what happened and why he is not with you now."

Hannah gave no verbal answer. With a trembling hand, she reached out, offering a folded piece of paper to her mistress.

Without thinking, Y/N snatched it from her and unfolded it after seeing her name scrawled on the front in an unfamiliar hand.

_" Y/N, my dear, _

_If you are reading this, then I will have paid your lovely home a visit. I admit, I was most surprised to learn of your survival from your grandmother. Yet, it was not you I came to see. It is long overdue, I believe, for your precious James and I to finally meet, properly. _

_Your beloved was rather uncooperative, thus forcing me to use more forceful measures. For I believe that such a conversation between he and I should not be here. But rather elsewhere. I do hope you will join us, his life may well depend on it. _

_We will be at the cliffs. I believe you know the place well enough. You have two hours. _

_Anthony "_

No words came to her as a horrified gasp choked its way from her throat. Her breathing quickly became rapid, her blood rushing in her ears.

"Milady?"

"No, no no no," she muttered, shaking her head and pushing herself to stand, the blankets falling around her. "No, no no."

"Milady where are you going?" Hannah asked, alarmed as her mistress stumbled her way to the bed.

"I have to go," Y/N replied, looking to Hannah with a wild desperate look in her e/c eyes. "He has James, I have no choice."

"You are in no fit state to travel!" Hannah protested, "your wound is still healing."

Y/N appeared not to hear her as she tore a coat from its hanger, her shaking hands visible to Hannah who stood at the other end of the room. "I have to go," she muttered.

"Milady please," Hannah exclaimed, finally crossing the room in an attempt to bar Y/N access to the door. "Let me go."

"No," she vehemently shook her head and pushed Hannah to the side, strong despite her weakened state. Upon opening the door, she stumbled out into the corridor with Hannah following close behind.

Hannah continued in her valiant efforts even as they reached the stables.

"Hannah please," the fight had left Y/N's voice, begging taking its place. "I have to go. Goodness knows what he will do. Tell my parents and brothers if you must, but let me go. James needs me."

With those words, Y/N went straight for Sapphire. "Hey there girl," she greeted the Friesian. "No time for saddle and tack I'm afraid." Wincing at her actions pulled at her side, Y/N reached up and grabbed a handful of Sapphire's mane and swung herself up. A sharp pain lanced through her side, eliciting a whimper from her. Gritting her teeth and bending low she whispered, "take me to the cliffs my beautiful girl. Run as fast as you can, I implore you."

Hannah watched in despair as her injured and clearly desperate mistress rode from the stables, clad in nothing but her nightgown and a coat. Spinning on her heels, she made for the house.

The wind tore at her loose hair as she rode, bent low over Sapphire's neck. The pain in her side throbbed and try as she might, she could not ignore it. So, as Sapphire crossed over the estate boundary, Y/N looked down. A dark red patch was blooming steadily, already beginning to soak through the thick wool of her coat.

Releasing a stuttering breath, Y/N swallowed hard and forced herself to focus ahead. The blood could only mean one thing.

Time ceased to have meaning for her as Sapphire ran, the landscape blurring around her.

Her thoughts, as clouded with pain as they were, went straight to James. She had been a fool to think they were safe. She had been a fool to think that Anthony would give up after all his previous efforts to secure her hand.

Crying out at a particularly sharp bolt of pain, she let one hand drift to her side, her face pressed into Sapphire's mane. She soon felt her hand become slick with blood as she attempted to apply pressure.

A soft nicker from Sapphire and the distinct sound of waves had Y/N raise her head. They had arrived.

Her eyes immediately locked onto James's form, he was standing much too close to the edge of the cliff. Anthony stood before him, but was facing her, having been made aware of her arrival.

Sliding from Sapphire's back and landing on unsteady legs, Y/N swayed for a moment before righting herself. The nearer she came to them, the more she realised that James was looking at her too. Though his eyes had now strayed to where she was clutching her bleeding side.

"You came," Anthony had the audacity to sound surprised.

Leaving red footprints behind as the blood began to trail down her leg, Y/N swayed to a stop a short distance from them. "Let him go," she said, not bothering to hide her pleading tone. "Anthony please."

"Only under one condition."

Her gaze darted briefly to James before looking to Anthony. "And what might that be?" She forced out, the edges of her vision were beginning to swim.

"Renounce him," came the reply.

"What?" She whispered, "what?"

"Renounce your engagement to this man," Anthony replied, gesturing to James with a clearly loaded pistol. "Tell the world you made a mistake. That you really mean to choose me."

"You wish me to lie?" She choked out.

"It is up to you how you see it," Anthony replied, shrugging.

Y/N shook her head. "I cannot do that," she declared as loudly as she could, barely making it above a whisper. "I can't."

"Can't or won't?"

Taking a deep trembling breath, Y/N lifted her hand away from her side so both were raised towards him. "It is over Anthony, everyone knows. Everyone heard the announcement."

"Then make a new one," he snarled, reaching behind him, dragging James to the fore.

Y/N gasped softly when she saw a thin trail of blood marre his hairline, his hands, she noticed were bound. Still, she shook her head. Her hands trembled where she held them aloft. One bloodied, the other not.

"Anthony please, stop this," she implored him, stepping even closer. "There is no need for all this. It is all over."

"Did you really believe that after that stunt you pulled at the ball that I would simply leave you be?"

"You shot me," she hissed, wincing as she did so. "Is that not enough?"

"I am a man of my word," Anthony said and to Y/N's horror, placed the cocked pistol against James's temple. "I gave you due warning."

"No, wait," she stepped even closer. "Please, don't do this. I beg of you."

"Then renounce him."

Tears clouded her vision. "That would be a lie," she whispered. "A lie that would tear my soul in two and shatter my heart. I love him, Anthony. I always will. To renounce him now, or ever, would be a betrayal. To him and to myself. He completes me, Anthony. To renounce him would break me." By the time she finished speaking, she was looking to James. "He is my soul. My heart. My very being."

"As you are, my darling," James replied, speaking for the first time since her arrival.

At the sound of his voice, she whimpered and reached out to him. But her trembling legs would not allow her to go one step further. The pain was becoming too much.

"Oh my," Anthony tutted above her. "Your foolishness never does cease to surprise me."

"My foolishness?" She gasped out, glaring up at him. "The only fool here, is you. For believing that after all you have done that you still have a chance."

James hated it. The moment she had dismounted from Sapphire, he had wanted nothing more than to go to her, but Anthony's bruising grip on his wrists had prevented him. And now, seeing her there, trying to breathe through the evident pain of her reopened wound as her blood slowly stained the snow. "Y/N, my darling, look at me."

And look at him she did. She tried to smile, but only managed a grimace.

"Hold on," he urged her, "please my darling. Hold on." Then, he looked to Anthony. "Let me go to her. Can you not see she is in pain?"

The man smiled coldly. "I can hear it too."

"She is dying," James hissed, "she is losing blood. If you have any humanity, you will let me go to her."

"I will ensure that she gets the help she needs once she agrees to my condition."

James spared a look of horror for the man before diverting his attention back to her. "Y/N. My love, can you hear me?" When she nodded, he continued, "you must do as he asks."

Her eyes widened. "What?" She whimpered and shook her head. "James, no. I can't."

"Please, my love," he beseeched her. A vicious pain lanced through his heart. "Your life is more important."

Y/N stubbornly shook her head. "It will be meaningless," she replied, choking out the words between gasps. "It would be a living hell without you there. Please James, do not ask this of me."

Her pleading tore at his very being, punching through his aching heart.

"Don't," she continued, trying valiantly to stand. "Do not ask me to leave you. Do not ask me to lie."

Her eyes, those beautiful enchanting orbs of e/c, were now windows into her very being. They begged him, putting her fragile heart on display for all to see. The pain in them was crippling.

"I am not asking you to lie," he said to her, smiling as best he could. "I am asking you to live."

"I cannot live without you," she whimpered, a sound that pierced his heart a sure as any blade. "Do not ask me to live without you."

"Oh Y/N," he sighed, his own voice threatening to break under the weight of his emotions. "My dear, sweet, beautiful Y/N. Nor am I able to live without you. So please, do this for me, I beg you. Your life means more to me than my own."

Tears were steadily streaming down her face. "It would be a mere existence," she protested, reaching for him with her violently shaking hands. "My soul would cry in agony and my heart would bleed everyday. It would be torment. Hell itself. Do not condemn me there," she begged, finally curling her hands around his bound ones.

The pain in her voice came not from the injury, but from her heart. Her core.

"I love you Y/N," he said to her, wearing his heart on his sleeve. "I always will."

"And I you," she sobbed, clutching at his hands.

"Come now," interrupted Anthony. "Have you changed your mind?"

Y/N refused to look away from James, whose blue eyes mirrored her pain and her breaking heart. Her lips trembled. "I can't," she whispered, "I won't. I cannot give up that which makes me whole."

"So be it," Anthony sighed in frustration and rested the weapon's barrel against James's temple. "You leave me no choice Y/N."

Y/N braced herself, even as the pain in her side grew worse, she tried to smile bravely.

The pistol fired. But it was not Anthony's. It was another.

Above them, Anthony grunted and swore in pain, dropping his own weapon in favour of clutching his shoulder.

"Get away from my sister."

Y/N would have wept for joy at the sound of her elder brother's voice. Had she not pitched forward.

Desperately tearing his hands free of his bonds, James scrambled to catch her before she could collapse into the snow.

"You impertinent pup," Anthony snarled, making to lunge for Robert.

"Oh no you don't," Thomas and Andrew swept in, tripping him up before he took two steps.

"Your brothers are here," James whispered to Y/N as he cradled her close, shielding her from the cold as much as he could. "All three of them."

She nodded weakly.

"No no, Y/N stay awake," he pleaded, "please. Fight as you did the first time my heart."

She coughed weakly and tried to smile.

"You foolish woman," he muttered as tears stung his eyes. "You foolish brilliant woman. What were you thinking, coming out here in your condition?"

"Of you," she gasped out. "Only of you."

Pulling her closer, James leaned down and pressed a desperate kiss to her lips. His tears mixing with her own. "Don't you dare leave me," he gasped against her lips. "You promised you wouldn't."

"I know," she said softly. "I know."

The world and the arrival of Hannah and Y/N's parents meant little to him as he held Y/N close. Her hair gathered his tears and whispered entreaties. It was only when the familiar voice of Dr.Harrow addressed him, did he finally tear his gaze away from hers.

"Come along Captain," he said kindly.

"I will not leave her."

"I am not asking you too," Dr.Harrow explained. "I am asking you to bring her. The motorcar is waiting. It will take us back to the house where I may still have a chance of helping her."

Nodding stiffly, James stood, mindful of who he carried.

The instant they saw her, Irene and Richard flew to her, only to be warded off by Dr.Harrow. "Time is of the essence," he told them as James settled himself and a barely breathing Y/N in the warm vehicle. "Meet us back at the house. Your daughter is in a fragile condition, I must do what I can to save her life."

Once the car began to move forward, Y/N opened her eyes and whispered three words to her beloved Captain. "James, my love."

Those three words were followed by a whisper of denial that preceded a cry of a soul being torn in two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK GOODNESS IT ISN'T THE LAST CHAPTER......that's all I can really say. I didn't plan for that, I swear to you all.


	53. Amor vincit omnia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so at last, you sleep, in the circle of my arms that push back the shadows so that you can rest.
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

He couldn't move, even if he wanted too. The pain in his shoulder was too great. The boy, Robert, was unfortunately a decent shot. Robert who now stood beside his two younger brothers, Thomas and Andrew. Their faces were deceptively blank as they stood there, watching him like hawks.

The atmosphere was tense and the silence was heavy, he dared not speak with them, all previous attempts had ended rather violently or with withering glares.

The doors to the sitting rooms opened to reveal Irene in the most frazzled state the boys had ever seen their mother in. Her eyes were red and slightly swollen from weeping, yet they hardened the moment they landed on Anthony.

The boys were sure that their mother would have stalked right across the room to slap the Lord, had their father not been following closely behind. Who in turn, was followed by the Dowager Countess.

The group said nothing until Lady Katherine was seated opposite Anthony, her hands resting elegantly atop her cane.

"Your ladyship," he bit out from behind clenched teeth as the pain spiked.

"Anthony," Lady Katherine replied with a small nod.

"Might I be allowed some medical assistance?" He ventured, gesturing towards his shoulder.

"No," Irene said without hesitation.

"No?" Anthony repeated, narrowing his eyes at her.

"No," Irene replied, smiling without warmth. "You can and will wait. Your actions do not merit mercy from anyone. Dr.Harrow is occupied at present."

"Helping my dear fiance no doubt."

"Do not call her that," Andrew hissed, "especially not after what you have done."

"My son speaks true," Irene said, folding her arms. "She is not promised to you. Not anymore."

Anthony laughed then. Though the sound lacked humour. "So you would allow her to disgrace herself?" He sneered. "And bring shame to the family name?"

"The only one that brings shame upon a family," Richard spoke up from his place beside his wife. "Is you. The title you bear blinded us to the man you truly are. Y/N saw it and tried to tell us." His voice grew softer at the mention of his daughter, prompting Irene to take his hand. "Time and again, she tried, yet we refused to see. And now we pay the price."

Anthony's eyes widened at Richard's words. Surely she was not-? He chanced a glance at Lady Katherine, who averted her gaze to the carpet beneath her feet. Even Y/N's brothers, as composed as they seemed, appeared to be fighting much stronger emotions.

"Is she-?" He could not finish the sentence. This was never part of the plan. Y/N was never meant to get hurt, much less to a degree such as this.

"Do not pretend that you care for her welfare," Irene hissed. "For it is because of you that-, that she-" she cut herself off as she brought a hand to her mouth to stifle a quiet sob.

In an instant, Richard enveloped his wife and brought her close. Uncaring of their audience, he pressed gentle reassuring kisses along her hairline and forehead.

"This was not meant to happen," Anthony muttered to himself. "Not to her."

"Then to who?" Thomas demanded, having heard the mutterings. "Who was it meant to happen too if not for her?"

Anthony looked up and met the young man's furious gaze. His eyes were so similar to Y/N's. "To anyone that prevented my path to her. Isn't that right, your Ladyship?" He asked, looking directly at the Dowager.

"Mother?" Richard whispered. "You had a part in this?"

Without missing a beat, Lady Katherine shook her head and looked to her son. "No my boy, I did not."

"First Agatha and now you?" Anthony hissed, his lips curling in a snarl. "You would abandon me too?"

"Mother, what does he speak of? Who is Agatha?" Richard asked, arms curling tighter around Irene.

"I do not know," she replied smoothly and looked Anthony in the eye. "I am as shocked and appalled by his actions as you are. I may have directed him towards our Y/N, but I had no knowledge of his true plans."

Anthony was livid. How was she able to look him in the eye and say such things? "Then what of the letter?" He spat. "The letter that was meant for Y/N, yet was delivered to you?"

Five pairs of eyes flew between them as confusion settled over the family.

"Letter?" Robert asked, breaking the silence. "What letter?"

"Tell them, _your Ladyship_," Anthony said, spitting her title as though it were poison. "Tell them what it said. Tell them why it is you who have it and not Y/N?" When Lady Katherine did not answer, Anthony smirked. It was a cruel expression. "It appears I shall have to tell them, pity." Licking his dry lips, Anthony focused once more on the remaining family members. "The letter in which her beloved Captain detailed his arrival home."

"Mother, is this true?"

The Dowager finally looked up and met the eyes of her son. Richard's eyes pleaded with her, begged for her honesty. "Yes," she admitted softly.

"Why?" Richard choked out. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I believed it to be the best course of action," Lady Katherine replied. "For her future and the future of the family."

"You knew he was alive before Y/N did?" Irene asked, her voice slightly hoarse. "You allowed Y/N to suffer while you knew the truth? And you claim that you did this for family?"

"Her suffering was never my intention," Lady Katherine said softly. "I merely wished for her to have a better future."

Her statement was followed by a hollow laugh from Anthony. "Such lies you speak, your Ladyship," he whispered. "For what were the words you spoke to me? Oh yes, you said, _'it will be better to have a grieving bride than no bride at all.' _"

A horrified silence descended upon the room before Richard finally spoke. His voice was strained, "I cannot believe this, yet my heart tells me it is the truth."

"Richard please-" Lady Katherine reached towards her son, only to be rebuffed by him. "My son-"

"No," he whispered, rare tears welling in his eyes as he stepped back. "You have lost the right to call me that. No mother of mine would willingly do what you have done." With those words and Irene by his side, he swept from the room. Only the brothers remained.

In vain, she turned to them. But the look in their eyes silenced any words she may have said.

"Our sister suffered because of you," Robert said, looking between Anthony and the Dowager. "Because of you both. It is my sincerest regret that I was not there to better protect her."

"It is _our _sincerest regret," Andrew spoke up and he and Thomas moved to stand alongside their brother. "When she needed us, we weren't there."

"May these events haunt you," Thomas said softly, "may the blood you have spilled stain your hands for all eternity."

The moment the brothers left, two policemen took their place. Uncaring of Anthony's wound, they hauled him to his feet and pulled him from the room.

When no one came to drag her from the room, Lady Katherine turned her attention to the fire. Thomas's words echoed in her mind, and ringing true as she gazed at the dancing flames.

Y/N's words from months before came to the forefront of her memory and her voice seemed to speak from the fire. _"You have no one to blame but yourself for our fractured relations."_

Those fractures had now spread through the family, separating her from them entirely.

~ ~ ~

She was so still. Even after Dr.Harrow had left.

The bed looked much too big for her as she lay there, her hands folded neatly atop the floral sheet that covered her.

James stood where he had when the doctor tended to her as best he could. The tears had long since dried on his cheeks, the warmth of the fire helping there. He could not look away, not that he even wanted too.

He felt his bottom lip begin to quiver, causing him to clench his jaw even tighter. A ragged gasp tore from him as he continued to watch her. "Wake up," he whispered desperately, "wake up my love." His words fell on ears that could not hear him, no matter how many times he begged her. "Please."

Slowly he approached the bed and took up the book that Hannah had left there. The very same book Y/N had sent him to the library for. His hands trembled as he held it, one hand reverently tracing the title of the book.

"I said I would read to you, did I not?" He said softly, looking back to her. He did not pull up a chair, no. He settled himself so very gently on the bed beside her. "It must certainly be a favourite of yours," he commented, smiling. "It appears you have read it more than once."

Heartbreaking silence answered him.

"Well then," James continued, softly clearing his throat. "I suppose we shall begin then. Chapter One: The Rose Garden....."

The day aged around them as James continued to read, his soft voice permeating the air as he brought the story to life. The story of a young woman who set out to travel the world to prove her independence to her family. Though she did not account for the dangers she would inevitably face or the love she would find along the way.

Hannah came in, only to leave again as she took in a scene that threatened to break her heart. Her eyes had been welling with tears as she stepped back into the corridor. Pressing the back of her hand to her mouth, she fought a sob. It was all so terribly unfair. The two people most deserving of happiness had been deprived of it in the cruelest way possible.

Slowly making her way to the servant's stairwell, she took a deep trembling breath before setting her jaw and descending.

The moment she set foot on the floor, the housekeeper, Mrs.Clara MacKenzie, swooped down on her. She had evidently been intending to ask Hannah something when she took in the maid's appearance. The young woman had been crying and that could only mean one thing. "Oh my dear girl," Clara murmured, drawing Hannah close.

That did it for her. The tears she had been valiantly holding back, came streaming down her cheeks, her breaths became harsh gasps for air.

Clara knew not what to say. Rumours had been floating around the lower level ever since Lady Y/N had been brought in. Rumours that Clara had fervently hoped to be false. A tear of her own escaped as she held Hannah. The maid clung to her as though to a lifeline, her sobs muffled in Clara's high-collared black gown.

"He was reading to her," Hannah whimpered, drawing back a little as she began to wipe at her cheeks. "As though she could hear him."

Clara briefly closed her eyes before reopening them. Reaching out, she gently cupped Hannah's face and wiped away any stray tears. "Perhaps it is his way of saying goodbye. One last attempt at the life they would have shared."

Hannah nodded before once more burying her face in Clara's shoulder, her tears soaking into the fabric.

Meanwhile, above in Y/N's room, James continued to read. He was only barely aware of the sun beginning to sink towards the horizon. He paused however, when it became a little too dark for him to read. The light from the fire was not quite bright enough. Setting the book on the bed beside him, he spared a glance at her. "I will continue once I have lit some candles," he said softly. "It is too dim for me to read."

And so he flitted around the room, stopping at intervals to light candles and lamps. Soon the room was bathed in a golden glow and provided more than enough light. Satisfied, James returned to the table by her bed and made to return the box of matches when he looked to her. The firelight set off her profile beautifully and danced among the loose h/c strand of her hair. She was so beautiful, even now.

Swallowing hard, James stood up and bent to press a gentle kiss to her forehead.

He wasn't sure if it was his imagination or his own denial.

Her skin was warm beneath his touch. Not the warmth that came from the fire. But the natural warmth of a living human being.

Drawing back, James gazed down at her. With a trembling hand he reached out and placed it gently on her own folded ones. Tears welled in his eyes at what he felt. For beneath his hands, hers rose and fell as her body did.

A sob broke free as he fell to his knees by her bedside. "You came back," he whispered, his vision of her distorted by tears. Reaching out with one hand, he tenderly traced the lines of her cheek. "You came back."


	54. All roses bloom in Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My love feeds on your love, beloved, and as long as you live, it will be in your arms without leaving mine. 
> 
> ~ Pablo Neruda

"Are you quite certain of this milady?" Mr.Owens asked, having just retrieved the Dowager's collection of luggage cases from the attic. "Do you not wish to wait until Lady Y/N has woken?"

Lady Katherine shook her head minutely, not pausing in her current occupation of readying herself for the day. "I do not wish to crowd her. And besides," she met his gaze in the mirror of her vanity. "Until she opens her eyes, her fate is still very much uncertain."

"If that is what you wish milady, I shall fetch the maids to begin the packing immediately."

Nodding her thanks, Lady Katherine turned back to her reflection and sighed. She had written to her sister, the Lady Ingrid Haverley. Her younger sister resided in Scotland with her husband, Lord Thomas Haverley on a rather secluded estate.

Her sister had swiftly written back, stating in a beautifully written letter that she would be delighted to have her sister stay for as long as she needed.

It suited her just fine. Scotland was a world away and she had not seen her sister for some time.

Sighing, she stood and left the room as the maids entered it.

Her mind afforded her no peace. For it was at war with her heart. Ever since the decision had been reached, her conscience became restless. It warred with what morals she had left.

She had been to see her of course. Not that Y/N would know, she had still been very much unconscious. Lady Katherine had stolen into the room the moment the Captain had left it. The rare times he would do so.

_"This was never my intention," she whispered to Y/N's sleeping form. "No one, least of all you, was meant to come to any harm." _

It was lacking in ways of the apology that Y/N deserved. But the words lodged themselves in her throat, refusing to come out. Her granddaughter had looked well, despite the injury that had very nearly taken her life. 

She had left as quickly as she had come, determined that not even her son should be made aware of her presence.

That had been a week ago. Very nearly two and still no word had come from the house regarding the inevitable news of Y/N's fragile health.

Standing by the windows in the drawing room, Lady Katherine surveyed the gardens beyond. This had been her home for over half a century. The village and the estate and not so recently, the house she currently resided in.

"Would you care for some tea your Ladyship?"

Lady Katherine found her thoughts interrupted by the soft voice of Mr.Owens. She smiled distractedly and shook her head. "No thank you, Owens. I am quite alright. How is the packing coming along?"

"We are almost finished your Ladyship," the butler informed her. "It shouldn't be too much longer now."

"Very good," she murmured, her eyes going distant.

Taking the murmured words as a dismissal, Mr.Owens bowed and left the Dowager to her thoughts.

She was taking only the essentials with her, enough for her to manage on her own. Her train was due to leave that night, midnight to be precise.

~ ~ ~

The weight on her heart had not yet lifted, it had seen fit to stay, even after it was announced that her daughter remained within the realm of the living. For two weeks now, Y/N's eyes had remained closed. While the colour had returned to her cheeks, and her breathing had become stronger, she had shown no signs of waking.

Dr.Harrow had come earlier that day, his news that her wound was healing ought to have relieved Irene.

Now, as she sat beside her prone daughter's bed, she sighed and took one of her hands. "What is keeping you like this?" She whispered, searching Y/N's features as though the answer lay hidden there. "What is keeping you from us?"

No answer came, not that Irene expected one.

"Still no change?" Came Captain Nicholls's soft voice from the door.

Irene looked away from her daughter and smiled sadly at the young man. "I'm afraid not."

Sighing, James nodded and closed the door behind him, fully stepping into the room. Approaching the bed, he stood beside Irene's seated form.

"I want to thank you," Irene said softly, looking back to Y/N.

"Whatever for, your Ladyship?" James asked, looking to her in confusion.

"For everything," Irene replied, finally looking up at him. "For being with her when the rest of us were not."

"I would gladly do so again, your Ladyship," he said softly. "If I could take her place, I would do so in a heartbeat."

"I know you would," Irene murmured, "but I do not believe that Y/N would have allowed that."

James chuckled and looked at Y/N, a tender look in his soft blue eyes.

"Of all those she could have chosen," Irene said thoughtfully, "I am relieved it is you."

James said nothing, he merely nodded and hummed absentmindedly.

"I am grateful, as is her father, for all the care you have taken with her since this misfortune befell her."

"I could hardly do otherwise," James replied, smiling kindly at the Countess.

"I shall leave you alone with her," Irene said, making to stand. "For I know with you, she is safe." Upon standing up, she leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Y/N's forehead. "I pray you wake soon my darling," she whispered, her breath fanning delicately over her daughter's sleeping features. "We miss you terribly."

James watched the exchange with a faint smile.

"I will return soon," Irene said to him, "for unfortunately, the household will not run itself."

"I understand," James replied, "and should she wake during your absence, I shall send word."

Satisfied, Irene nodded and spared one final smile for her daughter before sweeping from the room.

The moment the door closed behind the Countess, James circled the bed and carefully made his way to her side. Being ever so careful, James moved to lie on his side and face her. Reaching out, he gently laid his right hand atop her folded ones, making sure to softly entwine their fingers together.

As he had done many times before, he simply watched her. He had long since finished the book she had suggested. Despite all that had happened, she looked peaceful and less like a marble likeness upon a tomb.

"Your mother was here," he whispered, "your father the day before and your siblings in the morning." He knew not what had become of her grandmother or Lord Anthony, her parents had made no mention of either of them.

Shifting slightly, he brushed a light kiss across her shoulder before laying his head on the pillow beside hers. His eyes soon began to droop, no matter how hard he fought to keep them open. The last he saw before he ultimately gave in, was her face.

As the Captain slept beside his beloved, the sun began to approach the horizon and sink below the waves. Y/N's chambers were soon bathed in the flickering golden light of the fire that crackled merrily in the hearth.

The clock on the mantle chimed every hour, the sound echoing in the otherwise silent room.

As slight as the touch was, it stirred him to wake. The gentle pressure on his hand had his eyes flutter open. Blinking awake, his gaze went to their joined hands. Was it a trick of the light when he saw them move? 

"I had hoped it was you."

That voice, of heavens that beautiful voice. Tearing his eyes away from their hands, he looked to her and gasped softly when he saw her looking back at him. His mouth opened as though to speak, yet no sound came out, no sound save for one that was crossed between a whimper and a sigh of relief.

"Why do you weep my love?" She asked, voice rough from two weeks of disuse.

James had not realised his tears. Letting out a shuddering breath, he buried his face in her shoulder. "You are awake," he said, voice trembling and muffled. "You came back."

Y/N laughed softly and felt her own eyes sting with tears. "I never left, my darling," she whispered, turning to brush a kiss over his crown. "I am sorry it took me so long."

"Please," he gasped softly, drawing back to look at her, his trembling hands tenderly cupping her face. "Please do not apologise. You are here, here with me. Nothing else matters but you."

"And our future," she replied, nuzzling into his touch.

"Aye," he whispered, his breath fanning her lips before he leaned in and pressed a tender, yet ardent kiss to her lips.


	55. Epilogue: New Horizons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day I met you I began to forget a life without you.
> 
> ~ Atticus

_~ 1 year later ~_

The sprawling gardens of Beresford Park proved to be an endless source of wonder for her. The estate was of a similar size to the one owned by her family. It was Summer now and she was more than thankful for the towering trees with their spreading branches.

The grass was soft beneath her feet, now bare after a two day excursion to London. The swishing fabric of her gown hid them and prevented any of the maids and footmen from being scandalised by their Lady's bare feet. Hannah had laughed and all but encouraged her to do so, taking her shoes and promptly departing with them.

Trailing her hands lightly across the towering Jasmine hedge, Y/N looked down at her left hand and smiled. The late afternoon sun filtered through the leaves above her and glinted softly off the golden band that encircled her ring finger. Her eyes became distant with memory...

_The last day of Spring and perfect, in her opinion. Despite numerous scoldings from Hannah, she had been unable to sit still, even as she arranged her hair. Pearls and small white flowers had been threaded through the Grecian style updo. _

_The gown itself was a marvel. A vision of lace and white silk with capped sleeves and a flowing train. _

_Helping her mistress into the gown and fastening it at the back, Hannah stepped back just as the doors to the chamber opened to reveal Irene and Annabelle. _

_"Oh my darling," Irene gasped, approaching her daughter and taking her hands. "You look absolutely stunning," she said, her voice wobbling dangerously near the end. Already tears had begun to gather on her lashes. _

_Y/N laughed softly. "Thank you mamma." _

_"You look like a Princess," Annabelle piped up from beside her mother. _

_Both Irene and Y/N chuckled while Y/N crouched down before her younger sister. "Thank you," she whispered, winking. Extending her arms and opening them wide, she took Annabelle in her arms. _

_Annabelle clung to her sister. "I'm going to miss you," she whimpered. _

_"Oh shh," Y/N soothed her gently. "You will see me again. I am not going away forever."_

_"But you won't live here anymore," the young girl protested. _

_"No," Y/N agreed, shaking her head. "But that doesn't mean I won't visit. And I am more than sure that you will come and visit me."_

_Annabelle nodded eagerly and smiled through her tears. _

_"There we are," Y/N murmured, swiping the tears away. "That's better isn't it?"_

_"Come my love," Irene said to Annabelle, holding out a hand. "Your brothers are waiting for us."_

_Taking her mother's hand, Annabelle stepped back as Y/N stood up. _

_Briefly letting go, Irene surged forward and embraced her daughter. "I am so very proud of you," she whispered. "You came through, despite all that has happened. I am so very, very happy for you."_

_Returning the embrace, Y/N fought tears of her own and swallowed thickly. "I love you mamma."_

_"I love you too angel," Irene replied softly and kissed Y/N's cheek before stepping back retaking Annabelle's hand. "We will see you soon."_

_The moment Irene and Annabelle had left, Hannah stepped forward, the veil draped over her arm and set about securing it among Y/N's h/c tresses. "There we are milady," she said at last, stepping back to admire her work. _

_Reaching out a hand, Y/N took Hannah's in hers. Squeezing it gently, she smiled at her maid. "Thank you for everything, Hannah," she said. "We have been through so much together and now a bright new future is ahead of us."_

_"Indeed milady," Hannah replied softly. "Indeed."_

_"I trust you will not mind staying on as my maid?" Y/N asked, smirking. _

_"Who will pull the two of you out trouble if not me?" Hannah remarked, grinning. _

_Giggling, Y/N let her hand go and smoothed the invisible creases in her gown. _

_"Here we are milady," Hannah said, passing a bouquet of pale pink peonies and fine ferns to Y/N. _

_"This is it," Y/N breathed, taking the bouquet. "This is really happening."_

_"Indeed it is milady," Hannah whispered. "The two of you deserve all the happiness in the world."_

_"Thank you," Y/N replied and took a deep breath. "Shall we?"_

_The look in her father's eyes when she descended the stairs was one Y/N was sure she would never forget. She was sure that his hands had trembled as he had lifted the veil over her face. _

_"Ready to go my darling?"_

_Y/N nodded and hooked her arm through his. "Let's."_

_"You look absolutely radiant," Richard said the moment the car doors closed behind them. "My beautiful girl."_

_With her free hand, Y/N took hold of her father's and smiled from behind the veil. "I am sure to be crying before we even reach the church," she said, smiling bravely._

_"I hope you know just how very proud I am of you," Richard said to her, squeezing her hand. "You have chosen well. Your Captain has proven himself more times than I care to count. I could not wish a better man for you."_

_Y/N let out a sound that was halfway between a sob and a laugh. Her e/c eyes shone with happiness as she looked to her father. "Thank you," she whispered._

_Their arrival into the village was greeted with resounding cheers as the villagers crowded the streets, waving at the approaching motorcar. _

_Looking out the window, Y/N waved back and smiled at the well-wishers. The entire village had been transformed. Flags of white hung across the streets and flower garlands wound themselves around the lamp and sign posts. _

_At last they arrived at the church and Richard stepped out first. _

_Taking her father's offered hand, Y/N stepped out and looked to the stone building before her. Within it, James waited for her. _

_Smiling giddily, Y/N nodded to her father and together they entered the church, a small company of flower girls preceding them, shedding rose petals before them. _

_She did not see the crowd, she saw only him. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw James standing there before the alter. He was so beautiful and looked so smart in his suit of black and white. _

_"No words can describe what a vision you are," he whispered to her as they stood beside each other. The priest before them. _

_Y/N opened her mouth to reply when the vows started. _

_The priest turned to James first. "Repeat after me: I, Lord James Nicholls, take thee, Lady Y/N Hadleigh..."_

_Smiling tenderly at her and taking both her hands in his, James repeated the words, "I, Lord James Nicholls, take thee, Lady Y/N Hadleigh..."_

_Y/N smiled through her tears, her hands squeezing his. _

_"To be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold," James repeated after the priest, his eyes never leaving hers. "From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death us do part. I will love and honour you all the days of my life."_

_The priest then turned to her. "I, Lady Y/N Hadleigh, take thee, Lord James Nicholls..."_

_Swallowing past her tears, Y/N repeated the words, her voice trembling. "I, Lady Y/N Hadleigh, take thee, Lord James Nicholls to be my lawfully wedded husband. To have and to hold. From this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death us do part." Pausing, she took a shuddering breath and continued, her voice stronger. "I will love and honour you all the days of my life."_

_"Have you the rings?" The priest asked, looking to James, who nodded and gestured to Charlie to bring them forward. _

_As the priest blessed the rings, Y/N looked to James and saw that his blue eyes bore tears that now clung to his lashes. He only looked away as he took a ring and held her left hand. "With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship and all my worldly goods, I thee endow." With immeasurable tenderness, he slid the gold band onto her waiting finger. _

_With trembling hands, Y/N did the same, her voice shaking terribly as she spoke, echoing James and gently sliding the ring onto his finger. _

_Immediately, James laced their hands together, the rings glimmering softly. _

_"And now, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce you husband and wife."_

_Letting go of her hand, James slowly lifted her veil and laid it softly over the back of her hair. Y/N's tear-filled eyes greeted him, along with a blinding smile. Before a word more could be spoken and before all those gathered, he kissed her. _

_Y/N flung her arms around his neck and curved her body against his as she returned the kiss, only vaguely aware of the applause that soon faded into the background...._

Blinking back to the present, Y/N bit her lip, smiling. That had been a year ago. Looking up, she saw the sun beginning to sink towards the horizon and sighed. She really ought to get back to the house.

"There you are my love," her husband's voice called to her.

Hitching up her skirts, Y/N ran towards James's approaching form.

Laughing, James opened his arms to her and held her tight the moment she entered them, her own arms winding around his neck. Spinning her around once before setting her down, he pressed a tender kiss to her lips. "Have you not yet ventured to every corner?" He asked teasingly.

Giggling, Y/N tucked herself into his side. Her arms coming to circle his waist.

"Your feet are bare," James commented in mock horror.

"I know they are," she replied, grinning up at him. "But don't worry, Hannah is the only one that saw."

At this James laughed. "Well of course. Am I right to assume that she had a part to play in this?"

Smiling widely, Y/N nodded.

"Well, I for one am glad," James said, reaching down to smooth an errant curl. "I am glad for her presence here with us. I want to make you feel as comfortable as I am able in your new home."

Y/N's smile softened and she leaned into the touch. "Home is where you are," she whispered.

"My darling," James breathed into her hair, brushing kisses along her crown and hairline. "My precious angel. My love. My life."

"I recall you telling me," she said softly, "a few months after the wedding, that you were the only one left of your family."

"Indeed," he replied, resting his cheek atop her head and curling her closer. "But now no longer, for I have you."

"Allow me to correct you there," Y/N said, resting her head against his chest and above his heart.

"How so?" James asked, confused. Drawing back a fraction to look down at her, their eyes meeting.

"There is another," she replied, a twinkle in her e/c eyes. "One that will be joining us very soon."

"How soon?" James narrowed his eyes at his wife. "And who are they? Why did they not come forward earlier?"

This earned a soft laugh from the woman in his arms. "In but a few months," she replied and reached up to cup his face with both hands. "As to who they are, I should think it was obvious."

"What are you not telling me?"

Sighing and with a smile that was easiest the most happy James had ever seen, Y/N took one of his hands and laid it against her stomach. His eyes widened as realisation slammed into him. Tears stung his eyes.

"You see now?" She asked softly.

With a strangled gasp, James pulled her close and buried his face in her shoulder. "A child?" He asked, voice soft and trembling as he held her.

Y/N nodded and held him close. "Yes, my love. A child."

As his arms let go, he fell to his knees before her and circled her waist, pressing a tender kiss to her stomach before laying his head gently against it.

With tears in her eyes, Y/N reached down and rested her own trembling hands atop his golden head. When he looked up, she was greeted with a smile that would make angels weep.

"You have blessed me in more ways that one," he whispered, tears tracking silently down his cheeks, only to be gently swiped away by Y/N.

"The same can be said for you," she replied, a loving smile on her lips. "You came back to me, against all the odds. The world's cards were stacked against us, but here we are."

Standing, James cupped her face with both hands and touched their foreheads together. "Indeed we are." With those words he claimed her lips in a kiss that spoke of promises of a future spent by each other's side.

Panting lightly as they parted, Y/N smiled up at him. "I am glad it was you that my heart chose."

Humming in contentment, James nuzzled her cheek before bending and lifting her at the waist, eliciting a shout of laughter from her.

"Do you intend to carry me back to the house, _My Lord?" _Y/N asked, fluttering her eyelashes.

"Oh indeed I do," James replied, grinning. "_My Lady."_

The lights of the manor glowed to life as the sun set, guiding the couple back, the moon rising behind them in a perfect Summer's night.


End file.
